WORK FUNNIES

Next person to tell me that we are on our last bottle of water will be waterboarded using this remaining bottle!!

May 26, 2010

SCENES FROM SOUTH BROOKLYN, EPISODE 1

My non-existent hat goes off to the true dedication for elegance; why else would a young matron come to do laundry in pantyhose and and 4 inch wedge sandals?

June 11, 2010

MY TIMELESS FASHION ADVICE FOR MEN

Gentlemen, once you start going bold, accept realty and just shave your head - as gross as comb-overs are, there is nothing like a wig to really make you look pitiful.

SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES, NUMBER WHATEVER

 Attempted to give the clothing industry a chance to redeem itself; my olive branch was met with disdain and hauteur.

June 17, 2010

WORK FUNNIES

I love working with creative people! For a few months we have been looking for office camera, and nobody knew where it was; today, yours truly opens the storage and is promptly assaulted by a flashlight; after remembering all the choice words in step-mama language, I replace the flashlight - and, lo and behold, here is the effin camera!! Good thing I was not efficient enough to trash the recharger...

June 21, 2010

MAZAL TOV, MINI BELOVED SIBLING!

This is post number eight hundred on this blog - honestly, wow!  

As per established tradition, I dedicate this entry to something - or, rather, someone - special; in this case, my wonderful niece, my Beloved Sibling's oldest, to whom, if the memory serves me right, I have been referring as Mini Beloved Sibling. The following is the speech that I gave at her Bat Mitzvah; granted, three years passes since, but who is counting?  Also, after delivering the said speech I was advised to become a motivational speaker - laughs galore.

Good Evening, Everyone

My apologies – as any self-respecting American, I will speak in English.

Mazal Tov to my dear niece, to my sister, my brother in law, and all our extended families!

I was your first official babysitter, sweetheart, – but I will refrain from the usual stories that loving aunts so enjoy to impart. Well, maybe one – when you were all of eight months old, we had to go to the Court House, where not one, but two judges pronounced you smarter than 90% of the jurors they got.

Now, to get a little more serious, I want to talk about the special time of your birth.  You were born on Chanukah.  If you look at our holidays, Chanukah is considered a minor one – well, nice American gentiles think that it’s a major Jewish holiday, because it happens in the winter…well, it’s a minor holiday when we remember the miracle of the oil and gain about 5-10 pounds by eating latkas and sufganiout.  We also periodically forget what precisely we are celebrating, because it’s not just the miracle of the oil - it’s a miracle of defeating our enemies against all odds; the miracle of our spiritual survival; the victory in the bloody civil war that our ancestors fought against other Jews who refused to be Jews

If you look at the more modern history, nothing reminds of Chanukah more than the Communist regimes.  They were also going to build a glorious new world - only, unlike Hellenists, whose culture became the foundation for the magnificence that is Western civilization, Communists destroyed culture; and, tragically, a lot of the Communists were Jews.  Jews that disavowed religion as the opium for the masses  - and were actively trying to erase any and all religious observance, beginning, of course, with Judaism. 

This, my beautiful girl, was the country where your mother, your aunt, and your uncles were born.  Being a religious Jew was an almost impossible task; there was no Torah education; teaching Hebrew was punishable by jail; same went for being a Zionist.

But our family managed to leave, to find freedom, and to re-discover our heritage.  You were the first member of our family to be born on free soil – and you were born on Chanukah, the holiday on which we celebrate our spiritual survival. 

You, my dear niece, your brother, your sisters – you are the biggest blessings; you are also our victory dance! Here, tonight, in the Holy Land, we celebrate your bat mitzvah!  Believe me, nothing else says “we won” like this evening!

I want to thank The Heavenly Father for all the blessings that He bestowed on our family, and for His constant protection. 

I wish you health and much happiness, my beloved niece!  May you continue to be sweet, loving, talented, and wonderful; may you grow up to be a great bat Yisrael, and may The Heavenly Father bless you!

SIMPLE BRILLIANCE

 A brilliant phrase just uttered by a co-worker: "Race - Bureaucrat; religion probably too"! (speaking of the very hard-working employee of the New York City Department of Design and Construction).

July 15, 2010

CLINTON'S WEDDING

 "Clinton wedding will feature vegan menu" - figures, since it's mainly human beings that they consume without remorse

July 30, 2010

FAMILY FUN

 Checked freezer to see what can be had for brunch; examination revealed ice, assorted ice creams, low fat pan cakes, something called "pirogi", assorted frozen veggies, a big bottle of rum and an even bigger bottle of some kind of extra killer vodka - and due to the current state of different affairs am not actually averse to getting plastered so early in the day - just not on the day off.....

August 1, 2010

SHORTLY ABOUT GLOBALISM

Globalism: miss USA is a Muslim from Lebanon, miss Canada is Russian, and miss Norway is black; funnily enough, miss South Africa still looks white and English.

August 23, 2010

YOUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AT WORK

 You name the category: I send a fax to my esteemed Representative in Congress (for whom, of course, I did not vote), concerning my opposition to his support of illegals. I get a personalized letter thanking me for my support of his support of green house gas emission legislature - which I adamantly protest as well, but did not fax him about. Good thing I did not shred it straight away!

August 24, 2010

SHORT SARCASM

 The beauty of logic: saw an old acquaintance in the laundromat yesterday; she informed me that she is afraid to bring her sheets there because of fear of bedbugs. Can just imagine bedbugs running around in the bowels of something or other "Idiot, that's a shirt, you can't go in there!" "You are a moron, too! That's a towel, not a blanket!"

November 11, 2010