MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 4

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather started on the cold side, but it's sunny and hopefully will warm up. George came to cuddle, but promptly left. Sniffles came to cuddle, woke me up, walked on my hair, plopped himself down on my pillow, licked my arm, and proceeded to purr - whoever thinks that cats are not good pets is seriously delusional! The crazy upstairs is once again quiet for the second day in a row, but the neighbour on the right decided to take up the mantel - there is some kind of serious thuds coming from her apartment. As mentioned yesterday, March is White History/Stop Blaming Whites Month. So, in honor of it, I decided to start putting on my wall one "whitie" achievement a day - yesterday was the printing press; I will see what I can put on today. Also, I think I should start posting some musical numbers - because even animals and psychiatric patients respond positively to classical music written by dead white males - but not so well to rap and/or African tribal drums. Rejoice, people, rejoice!!! Pregnant Kate Middleton is trending at 1!!!!! Over the weekend she, her hubs, and her bil traveled to Switzerland to attend the wedding of a "close friend of both princes" - nice. Also, for the extremely devoted, apparently there is a "The Royal Bump Blog, day by day" - wow! On a side note, I remember reading that after her wedding Kate would never be called Kate, but Princess Katherine - I guess nobody got the memo, because to the millions of her enthusiasts she is still Kate Middleton. Also, I never watch Downton Abbey and never go the fever - but it looks like some cast members are leaving - so, fans, tighten your seat belts! We don't know how their characters would exit the show! And Mazal Tov to Jamie Lynn Spears! Her "boyfriend of three years" proposed to her - let's hope her marriage would be happier than her older sister's. Forbes just published it's annual list of billionaires - they uncovered the "record" of 1426! They also have "first ever billionaires from Angola, Guernsey, Nepal, Swaziland and Vietnam" - I shudder to think how anyone can become a billionaire in Angola or Vietnam. And just in time for the billionaire list, Lamborghini came up a new supercar for a mere 4 mil - well played, Lamborghini, well played! Keith Olbermann is thinking of going back to his old job at ESPN - another reason to hate sports. Bieber is suspiciously silent again - another kidnap attempt or royal hangover from the birthday party? Coffee this morning in my strange looking green mug from Yves Rocher.

THE HEIRLOOM SWEATER

UPDATED

At the end of her first pregnancy my sister decided to slowly start getting baby clothes here and there – only exceptionally cute stuff, mind you. But since she decided not to find out whom she was having, all the deliciousness had to be neutral colors – or blue. Her reasoning? Baby girl in blue is cute; baby boy in pink – not so much. And so it happened that one of her purchases was a beautifully knit powder blue sweater from Osh Kosh.

Of course we know that in the end she had Golden Delicious, who, I might add, wore all those neutral and blue outfits (as well as the multitude of the pink ones) with panache. And, yes, the blue Osh Kosh sweater was put on her couple of days after she came home from the hospital for her first visit to the pediatrician – it was January in New York, and it was pretty nippy! The staff decided that Eh was a boy, and then asked if she inherited the blue sweater from her older brother – silly, silly people!

After the blue creation from Osh Kosh warmed Eh enough times, it was pressed into diligent and faithful service to MMM. And then, after she grew out of it, that piece of clothing was adorning the family Mickey Mouse, as well as other assorted dolls. And, finally, about 2 months ago, we put it on the news baby (who is also a girl)! It was still bright blue, beautiful, and warm. The only member of the family not to wear the heirloom piece of clothing? Yep, you guessed it – that would be Neffie Pooh! Even though, as a boy, he was sort of the most entitled to it, he was born in the early summer – and by the time it was cold enough for him to wear any kind of sweater, that particular one was too small for him.

And, that, my friends, is a cute story of the heirloom blue sweater beautifully knitted by Osh Kosh.

Update: Just saw another doll wearing The Sweater! The tradition continues!

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! The weather is a bit bla-y again, but not bad. Baby Bro resumed the grooming of George - the cat did not look so spiffy in a while! Sniffles decided to cuddle in the morning (did not even step on my hair), but after a bit of breathing in my ear tried to scratch me, and then proceeded to eat my blanket - yea, that cat is a riot! March is White History Month and also Stop Blaming Whites Month - wow! Trying to plow through all the whitie's achievements is going to be a daunting task! And, yes, they achieved all that during almost constant warfare - unlike African tribes, who only achieved cannibalism and slavery through theirs. Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe are both in the news due to their new projected roles: Radcliffe is going to play Igor in a new reboot of Frankenstein, and Watson is going to play Cinderella in another reboot of the fairy tale. My take: I don't care what they do, but as long as they keep their clothes on (for the sake of the youngsters who still watch those idiotic movies), and don't get into politics, they can play whatever or whoever they want. And - Mazal Tov - the wedding bells are definitely in the air for Jennifer Aniston! The upcoming wedding details "are slowly emerging" - well, whatever they will do, hopefully, she wan't get such raw deal in her second marriage as she did in her first. And it looks like USA has a new member of the diplomatic core - Dennis Rodman! It looks like he just returned from North Korea and brought a message to Hussein from Kim Jong Un! Kim wants Barry to call him! Gosh, could we please just send Rodman, Obamas, and all the defenders of communism and socialism straight to Kim - without any phone calls?!! I am sure he (Kim) can find all of them some useful occupation. Warning! There are untold dangers in microwavable popcorn - less, I am sure, than listening to any and all advice coming from all those studies, but what do I know. And guess what's trending right now at #10? Our dear Mayor Bloomberg was booed during St. Patti's parade at the Rockaways - and the dude looks mighty surprised, at that! And Rihanna explained her "controversial" gun tattoo in her recent interview to the British Elle - she got is shortly after her dear boyfriend beat her up, but in the end she does not feel like a victim! She feels strong and empowered! Yea, nothing says strong and empowered like going back to the dude who beat you up and made you get a "controversial" tat. Another preggo celeb is in the news - this time it's Kristen Bell. All she did to get in the news was to flash her pretty big baby bump - sheesh, the populace is so easily excitable! All the other famous preggers are mum for now. Ditto Bieber - I think he is getting over the hangover from his Birthday party. Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 1

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! Happy 1st of March! The weather outside is a bit bla, but not that bad. The crazy upstairs is quiet again - I think I really should call the police. The dreaded meteor recently missed DC - every time I gaze at the ugly mug of the beloved leader, I feel like saying "major, major bummer!" Prince William is trending at #3 right now: he rescued a couple from a Welsh mountain - good for him! However, there were no news on his wife's pregnancy. Right underneath the Prince, at #4, is Tiger Woods, because somebody got a shot of his bare feet - no joke, people! Then there is the list of unusual wedding dresses, like SJP's black one, or Liz Taylor's yellow. There was also some kind of bio-degradable dress made out of something horrible-sounding, and which you can dissolve in water after ceremony - I guess no heirloom keepsake for your daughter. There was also a dress that lights up when bride's heart starts palpitating, and, most importantly - there is a yearly contest for the wedding dresses made out of toilet paper! Last year's winner only took ten rolls - who said romance is dead?!! Happy Birthday to Bieber - who is turning 19 today! Wow! Of course, in honor of his birthday he stepped out in an outfit that somebody supposedly dared him to wear - yea, yea, yea. Americans' usage of coupons dropped last year, because they can't find coupons for the products they want - and here I thought it was because they simply had less money to spend on anything. Interesting prediction: if an American model graces the cover of SI swimsuit issue, we are going to have a bull market this year - wow, even for SI we need an American in order to have a good economic year; needless to say, we need an American in the White House as well. And, finally, a new study shows that pessimists live longer and healthier lives - another bummer. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather seem to be rocking for the last day of February. George and Sniffles decided to make themselves nests in the plastic bags last night. The crazy upstairs was quite for 2 days in a row - should I call the police in concern? Today the current Pope is making his final speech as the Pope. Kanye West is in the news again: it looks like he produced "a lengthy rant onstage in London", once again attacking Taylor Swift, and this time adding his friend Jay-Z to the mix for collaborating with Justin Timberlake. He also "slammed corporations who use art to make money". I wonder if the people he was ranting at demanded their money returned. I also wonder since when are the noises that Kanye, Jay-Z, and Beyonce produce are considered art? And, finally, I wonder if he would relinquish all his personal gains that the evil corporations helped him acquire. The researches in Finland and the UK found out that having a boy can shave off about 8.5 months off mother's life (no effect on the father) - nice! Not only husbands, but now sons also?!! And speaking of husbands - Marc Anthony, not to be outdone by his ex-wife, took his kids to Disneyland while accompanied by "a much younger girlfriend". SJP is under fire again for her fashion faux pa - this time she put on socks with sandals - "a trend that did not yet translate from the runaway to the streets". As long as she is not making dinners in support of Hussein, I don't care what she put on, frankly speaking. Speaking of Hussein: a new car was supposed to be "a staple" for American middle class families - but not anymore, for which we can all thank him and his many policies. Carmen Electra put on her Baywatch swimsuit once more to be photographed for In Touch magazine - which makes me wonder about how many men got in touch with their younger selves. And a couple decided to have a Shrek-themed wedding because the story "represents true love", and they even used grin paint - and here I thought that we have crazily overboard weddings right here in Brooklyn! Russia and Egypt are among the 10 places you can now afford to travel to (as opposed to few years ago) - thanks, but no thanks! I can find all the adventures and entertainment I want right here, in the US - without risking life and limb. Not one, but hairdos made the news! Ellen DeGeneres claimed that she wanted to go wild, and part her hair on a different side, and Jennifer Lawrence got brunette right after Oscars for her role in the latest Hunger Games movie - wow, stop the presses! All quiet on Kardashian front. Coffee this morning in my green mug from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 27

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is pretty sucky, but not terrible - hoping spring will come soon. Fresh air acted like an upper on Sniffles this morning - the crazy cat got extra crazy and was running around the apartment at the triple of his usual speed. This is what's currently trending at # 2 - a man in Indiana was arrested after calling 911 for nine times and trying to order a cheeseburger; well, I guess serious hunger does constitute an emergency situation. According to parteigenosse Michelle, her dear husband is not getting gray hair because of the stress of his job (yea, no kidding, what stress?) - he is getting it because he is a father of 2 teenage daughters. Aw...how could I put in printable words all I can say on the matter? Also, I assume that this is a hint that they are just like any other parents in America - it's just that their darlings are protected by armed security 24/7, and we have to fight for our right to protect our kids. And speaking of weapons: the head of Family Tree Entertainment sent a following proposal to NYPD: offer tickets to Beyonce's concert (instead of money) in exchange for firearms. Well, considering the demographics of the NYC's toughest criminals and the members of the street gangs, they might just go for it; then again - I think the entertainment mogul is putting too much faith into Beyonce's appeal, even to young black and hispanic thugs. Guess what Lindsey Lohan, Jason Alexander, Lance Armstrong, and Jenny McCarthy have in common? They all refused to be on DWTS - wow! And here is an attention-grabbing headline "Hathaway's dress crisis" - I kid you not! What was the crisis? Well, she wanted to wear a dress from Valentino, her "long-time friend", to the Oscars, but changed her mind at the last minute and hopes that nobody was offended - crisis indeed! Way worse than our national debt, folks! A physicist in Australia asked his girlfriend to marry him by publishing a scientific paper - who said nerdy?! That's hot, man! Also in Australia - another dude brewed beer for about 1 G a bottle by using the water from the iceberg - interesting folk lives there Down Under. Kim K. is back in the news - she started her mommy blog and wrote about fabulous maternity jeans; well, at least everyone remains dressed in this story - and Kim can actually write! Ditto for Prince Harry - no more nude photos of him, of his sister-in-law. And it's quite on Bieber's front as well - no gas masks or testicular kidnappings. Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug - hello to the crazy district of Nancy Pelosi.

HAPPY PURIM!

For a number of years now I have been guilty of not getting into proper Purim spirit. Sure, there were reasons aplenty: our family is not together anymore, no money, no job, munchkins are not here, friends turned out to be radishes (non-translatable Russian jargon), Hussein is the President, our community is rotting and stinking from the head, our people are not using their gray matter and behaving like water buffaloes (especially during the Holidays) – well, the list is long, painful, and emotionally exhausting.

Add to this the fact that our enemies like to keep our wounds fresh; they love to make sure that each day of celebration is market by somebody's sorrow – and a very recent one, at that. I would never forget the Seder where one of the guests remarked right before the Shvach Hamatcho “remember the parents of Shalhevet Pass who are just getting up from Shiva”. And when it comes to Purim, we have the massacre at Merkaz Harav, which occurred on Rosh Chodesh Adar, and the murders of the Fogel family, may Hashem avenge their blood, which happened shortly before Purim. Yes, all this definitely adds to a lovely celebration and merriment.

But this year, about a week before Purim, it suddenly dawned on me: we celebrate despite all that! Because in every generation, heck, almost every decade, we have a new Haman who rises and thinks it would be a great idea to get rid of this one “people scattered and separate among the peoples throughout all the” nations. Safety is only a temporary illusion; we are constantly in danger (sometimes more, sometimes less) because we are still in galut – mainly due to our ignorance and sinat chinam. On Purim we remember that an evil bastard wanted to exterminate us all, with the full cooperation of the governing body (who did not even care about the loss of revenue to the treasury); only through the hidden miracles from the Almighty were we saved, and the wheels of fortune turned in our favor. We celebrate the simple fact of remaining alive despite the unbelievable odds! And we also remember once more that “united we stand, divided we fall” - a simple phrase, repeated so many times by so many different people in so many different circumstances – but not loosing its validity none-the-less. We eat, drink, enjoy life, and give gifts to each other; it really is the most joyous day of the year.

And so, this Purim, that's what I did – tried to celebrate it in the proper spirit. I am still jobless, money-less, and lonely; our community is still, well, by far not perfect; our people still behave like water buffaloes and still propagate idiocy and sinat chinam; our enemies are more powerful than ever and are coming at us from all sides; and the wounds from loosing our brothers and sisters to unending hatred are very fresh – but I smiled, sang, and danced regardless. Granted, I was costume-less (due to poor planning last fall), but as half of my wardrobe and accessories are “strange” and “funny” anyway (or the results of manic shopping choices), they did it instead of a real costume.

Also, went to my by now usual Purim meal in Riverdale. The food was great (I even ate and enjoyed turkey!!!), the company pretty good, and I had a great excuse to escape Brooklyn. Finally tally on the emptied bottles – 8!!! Americans can't drink properly, man!

I hope your Purim also rocked, peeps – because, hey, we are still alive and kicking! Am Yisrael Chai! Le'Chaim!

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 26

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is still warm and relatively nice for February. The crazy upstairs did not disappoint and produced double amount of noise - probably to make up for yesterday's silence. Ladies and Gentlemen - rejoice! The long wait is over and the new cast of DWTS is announced! Kim Kardashian is all over the net today - the famous preggo did attend the Oscars and twitted her pictures. Yay, hurray - what would the world come to without seeing her face and figure every day?!! Parteigenosse Michelle, that inspiring figure from humble beginnings and the champion of the poor, wore a very modest dress for her guest appearance at the Oscars - it costs less than 9 Gs, folks! And speaking of that nice, sparkly dress - Iranian TV somehow photo-shopped it to cover her famous arms and over stuff. Also, she recently announced during one of her very rare TV appearances that she misses cooking for her family and even walks to the kitchen sometimes - aw...Oh, for effs sake! Nobody is stopping you - go and cook; incidentally, maybe you will save a bit on the chef's fee, especially considering the insanely obscene amount of money that is spent on your family every blessed day! Oh, yea, and the amount of time spent on cooking would equal the amount of time you don't tell the rest of us how to live, breath, eat, feed our kids, etc. And Snooki is back in the news as well - she sold her "tacky" SUV for more money than the new car would cost - gee, what a huge surprise! It looks like Prince Harry kept his clothes on during his latest vaca, and there are no news from his sister-in-law. But Bieber is back!!! It looks like during his recent trip to the mall he decided to hide behind a gas mask to avoid the paparazzi - novel, that. Coffee this morning in my sad/smiley faces mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 25

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! Happy Shushan Purim! The weather rocks - for the end of February :) Sniffles got up around 5 am, fluffed his tail, ran all over the house (scraping his claws off the floor), overturned my trash can under the desk, chased George, overturned their food bowl, made a mess of the plastic bags in the kitchen, and is now sleeping in the cat house. The crazy upstairs is quiet so far. The biggest news, dominating everyone's mind this morning, are, of course: the plight of our troops in Afghanistan, the dismal state of our economy, Iran's and North Korea's nuclear capabilities, our horrendous national debt, and the President who openly hates our country and is hell bent on legalizing the millions of barbarians who invaded our borders and denying us our 2nd Amendment rights. Just kidding, peeps! The biggest news are the Oscars - aka a bunch of rich, spoiled, America-hating brats patting each other on the back for imagined artistic achievements. First, of course, there is a huge debate of who was best or worst dressed - and the opinions of the experts do not necessarily match. Then there is Kristen Stewart (currently trending at # 10) - who attended the Oscars without R-Patz, but with crutches; I guess she is the first person in known history to use crutches, and that's why everyone is talking about it. In related news - it looks like Jennifer Lawrence stumbled and blamed it on her dress - duh! And, of course, the biggest "wow" from last night was parteigenosse Michelle showing up to announce the winner of the best picture award - aw..where is that dratted spittoon again?!! Also, it looks like Republicans found some balls - they launched "a snarky new Oscar-themed ad" against the Dems - good for you, people! Then there is a list of America's 10 richest cities, with DC on the third place - wonder why this is; our fair city of New York in only on the 5th. But, but, but - we serve the world's most expensive omelette - for a mere thousand bucks a serving! Why so much - it has 1G worth on caviar in it - and the restaurant serves it for "fun, not to make money" - nice!! Also, there is a list of 8 vaccines that every guy needs - the shots against stupidity or mommy issues, unfortunately, are not on the list. Celeb preggos are mum, and so is Bieber - I guess recovering from the attempt at his testicles. Coffee this morning in my Disney Dalmatian Spots mug. Oh, yea, and Baby Bro drunk my coffee with his morning cig - hurray for my cooking skills!

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 22

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather is beginning to improve slightly - it's warmer, and the winds died down, thank Gd! Got effin scared last night when I heard someone walking around the apartment when I knew that baby bro was asleep. Turned out it was George - blessed kitty made that much noise! And, mind you, I don't read horror stories or suspense - ever, not just at night. The crazy upstairs did not disappoint and started her routine as I was typing this update. There is a casino in NYC (strictly speaking, next to JFK), which is threatening the business in Atlantic City and at Mohigan Sun, because NYers can just hop on the subway and be where they want to be - go, Queens!! This just in - young adults eat more fast food than older people, blacks eat more of it than whites, and young black adults are the biggest consumers of whoppers and fried chicken - I am sure the researches and statisticians that participated in this study were racists. Japanese women are making money by putting ads on their thighs and posting pictures online - interesting, that. Star Wars fans can take lightsaber lessons and get special tips from Darth Vader himself - ah, the beauty of the free market. J.Lo.'s twins are turning 5, and she is throwing a rainbow-themed b-day party for them, completed with homemade cupcakes frosted with pink and blue - aw, happy birthday kids! With mommy and daddy like yours - good luck! "Rural communities of Dull, Scotland, and Boring, Oregon, formed an international partnership last year to build cultural and commercial connections" to attract tourists, despite their luck-luster names - personally, I would be hesitant to visit liberal-infested Oregon and muslim-infested Britain, but that's just me. Also, our fair city of New York escaped being among America's worst cities to find love - how, I have no idea. Some posh psychologist listed 10 biggest wedding fears and how to conquer them - surprisingly, the fear of "he will never get over his mommy issues and take it out on me" was not on the list; got to give that woman a call and tell her to brush up. Just as I was complaining about Windsors - Harry is in the news again, but all he is doing is having a romantic getaway with his new girlfriend - no orgies and everyone stayed dressed (so far); BORING! Also, thanks to a tip from a concerned citizen, I found out that there was a plot to kidnap Bieber and chop off his testicles! Thankfully, the perpetrators were stopped by the Canadian border - whew! The national treasure was saved! Coffee this morning in my striped glass from Target.

SALAD NICOISE A LA MOSCOW

Few years ago my friends served me salad which they officially call Ivanovs' salad (Ivanovs being our mutual friends). Upon gazing at the ingredients I was compelled to ask why they dubbed this particular dish thusly, and they explained that they were never served this salad before they came to Ivanovs for a meal. This little story made me laugh, because everyone in Moscow (from whence both Ivanovs and yours truly originally hail) made this salad (providing, of course, that the ingredients were available); my friends, on the other hand, came from Leningrad and Kiev, where, I guess, this culinary offering was not in vogue.

That, as Sir Percy would say, was just the title. Fast-forward to today; I decided to make myself a salad to break my fast, and for whatever reasons, decided to make “Ivanonvs'” salad – or, as we called it, radish salad, the ingredients for which are radishes, cucumbers, scallions, hard-boiled eggs, and mayo. And that's how fun started.

First, I realized that I was too lazy to go back for scallions when I was in the story, so I had to substitute it with an onion. Second, I saw a beautiful package of mushrooms in my shopping bag – well, it's winter, and we need extra vitamin D, so mushrooms followed. Steps 3 and 4 were uneventful: a bunch of radishes and 4 cucumbers. Then I realized that I was very low on eggs, and only had 3 instead of 5 I usually put. In order to compensate for the lack of protein, I decided to add 3 little cans of tuna which were hanging around since summer and munchkins' visit. And as I was opening tuna, making sure that Sniffles does not get into it (for his own protection), I remembered that a few kosher establishments served something vaguely similar (minus the radishes) and called it nicoise salad. Of course, kosher establishments usually use loose interpretations of the original recipe, but who cares. So, I topped my creation with a jar of black olives, and on top of the generous helping of the mayonnaise added the horse radish sauce.

The results, my friends, were surprisingly good, and I decided to share with you the recipe of this particular cooking experiment.   

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 21

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! It's effin cold again - hate it, but still prefer that to the triple H we will have in a few months. Crazy upstairs is surprisingly quite - vacuum broke down again? Sniffles is sleeping in the cat house - at least this time his back is not hanging off like yesterday. Got wine for Purim - and for the fridge as well! Britain would not return Koh-i-Noor diamond to India - which pressing problem is a major concern for both British and (especially) Indian citizens, I am sure. Kim K. is back! She will show her baby bump in a very tasteful picture spread in a magazine - considering how much class she and her boyfriend Kanye have together, I envision great things for this kid. Michelle O.'s official 2013 portrait is out - it shows her much-talked-about-bangs, but hides her "trademark" arms - it also hides her trademark hatred for USA and her trademark love of food. Speaking of royals - the House of Windsor is really not exiting for the past few months - nobody runs around naked, nobody cheats on their spouse, and that envirowaco mutton-head Prince Charles did not advise anyone to abandon modern technology in some time as well - Bess, did you finally manage to control your family and make them boring? Of course, now Kate's sister is in the news due to a new boyfriend - I guess because it's so rare for an attractive young woman to date and to have a boyfriend. And speaking of boyfriends - Rihanna is celebrating her 25th birthday with her bf Chris Brown in Hawaii; I assume that psychiatric help is available in resort areas. And Bieber is seriously beginning to worry me (and, I am sure, millions of giddy teens) with his continued absence. No coffee today due to fast.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is again NY February - at least it's sunny. Sniffles is laying on top of my chair and gently breathing in my ear. Scholastic ordered new illustrations for Harry Potter - the old expression of not gilding the lily comes to mind, and, in my opinion, both old and new illustrations stink. There are 7 bad habits that are good for you! Of course, the idiots only listed 5, but here they are: procrastination, coffee drinking, chocolate eating, napping, and alcohol consumption - yes!!! Going back to bed, then waking up, having another coffee, and chasing it with a nice chardonnay and nice piece of Godiva - oh, heck, procrastinated last month and did not get my freebies! Guess what is trending at # 1 right now? The speculation on whatever or not Victoria Beckham is preggers again - heck, what is it with the water and the air lately?! Celebs expecting right and left - and most of them are due this summer! USPS will launch a new clothing line in 2014 titled "Rain Heat & Snow" - good job, guys! While you are busy designing, could you please make sure to lose a piece of mail only once? Thanks! There is also a case of raising the salary for our dear comrade Hussein, because he is underpaid and maybe needs incentives - and no, this is not a line from The Onion. And the Academy decided not to call the event of the year 85th Academy Awards, but instead just call it the Oscars (to get rid of "musty" alternative title) - this is also not a line from The Onion. "Higgs Boson Particle May Spell Doom For the Universe" - I beg to differ; it's human stupidity that spells doom for the universe. In the fashion news: "ugly" 90's trend of wearing coveralls is coming back - well, at least people are still dressed. And on the hairdo front: parteigenosse Michelle claims that her bangs was her way of dealing with mid-life crisis - where is the spittoon when you need one, I ask you! No peep from either Windsors or Bieber today - bummer! Coffee this morning in my HP mug.

המן הרשע | קינדרלעך haman harasha kinderlach

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 19

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! It's overcast outside of my window, but much warmer than yesterday. Just saw somewhere that, according to some big shot's opinion people can't achieve anything after 46 - but history proofs him wrong. Interesting, that. Sniffles is running around with his tile 5 times the usual size. The crazy upstairs did not disappoint for the past few mornings - her vacuum was heard loud and clear. J.K. Rowling is trending at #6 right now - because she beat both the Queen and her granddaughter-in-law as the most inspiring woman. I understand how she is way more inspiring than Kate, but Bess - people's lack of historical knowledge is glaring. Kardashians are back in the news with a vengeance: Khloe was fired from the X-factor, and Kourtney had a "violent outburst" during their show - classy and profound, I know; but all I can think of - still prefer to hear about them as opposed to parteigenosse Michelle. And this is trending at #2: some kind of award-winning author (of whom, frankly, I never heard before) criticized Kate as "machine-made doll with plastic smile" who lacks Diana's personality and "human frailty" - wow, being mentally stable is a crime? Woman, honestly, get a life! And guess what is trending at #9? Never mind, you can't! It's - drum roll please - Britney Spears' grocery list! Yea, it looks like she goes to the supermarket in her sweats and buys stuff that ordinary moms buy too - WOW! Jeez Louise, speechless!!!! And yet another celebrity announced her pregnancy - this time it's Fergie; can't find her due date - but it it's this summer, people, we will have bigger problems than global warming. Michael Phelps is dating another model - apparently, he is a quick operator: just broke up and already has "another squeeze" - again, why is young philandering male such big news? And in the world of fashion: peekaboo dresses are very much in, and Ashley Olsen was accused of stealing a coat from Chewbacca - in her defense, I have seen the pictures, and the accusation is over the top. Surprisingly, no one's hairdo got in the news - and bloody Bieber is still in hiding. Coffee this morning in my Do a Kahlua mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 18

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather continues to be NY February. In honor of President's day, our dear Hussein is golfing in Florida with Tiger Woods, and his lady fair is skiing in Aspen - well, they work so hard on destroying our country; poor dears deserve a little break from all their hard work (on taxpayer's dime, of course). Rihanna's bloody knee is now trending at #1 - I kid you not! It turns out that an angry fan in London threw a bottle at her because she seemed to have reunited with Kris Brown - the question, of course, begs as to who needs therapy most in this particular case. And Katy Perry's ring is trending at #6 - well, she got this heart-shaped ruby ring from her boyfriend, and now "the rumor mill is crazy" wondering if they are engaged; I am sure the majority of the country has other things to be crazy about, but what do I know. Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra are "faced off" by wearing the same mini dress - I will leave the discussion on their "hotness" to the guys, because to me they both look slightly plastic. Then there is a long advice on how to deal with "shrunken 2013 paycheck" - well, I think it was Doug Powers who outlined the solution a while back. He said that if the Founding Fathers came to DC today, they would hang the President, his Cabinet, some of the Supreme Court judges, and most of the Congress for treason right there on the National Mall. Maker's Mark "drew a storm of complains" when the company announced the plan to dilute their whiskey - no joke, that! Of course, the complains stopped that evil plan - if only the evil plans of our elected official would be that easily stopped. All the famous preggos are absent again - hiding from the cold? Ditto Bieber - same thing? Coffee this morning in my FL mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 17

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! The weather is, once again, NY February, darn it! Also have to come to grips with the fact that until the weather improves, I will be hit with a different strain of rhinovirus every other week. Memo to professional chefs: it's easy to cook when you have a bunch of expensive dishes; but to fry 3 onions in an omelette pan designed for 2 eggs - that's cooking, baby! This is the beginning of an article that's trending at #2 right now: " Beyoncé's new documentary about Beyoncé co-directed by Beyoncé..." - well, at least she is not visiting Hussein in the situation room. Kevin Federline owns IRS 57Gs - big effin deal! Every other member of the Congress, and most of Obama's cabinet owe way more than that! Why is IRS even bothering with small potatoes? "More than 75 percent of sponges and dishrags may carry disease-causing bacteria" - memo to you, envirowacos! What's why we, disgusting humans, like to clean with paper towels! Chimps have better short term memory than humans - well, judging by the last elections, they have better long term memory as well. And Rihanna debuted a new clothing line that was dubbed "Sassy chic or Friday Night at K-Mart?" - the clothes are not to my taste either, but I am sure the critics did not really visit K-Mart at Friday night or any other time. And earthquake "rattled Rome" - also over the Pope's resignation? No new celebrity pregnancies announced - whew? Coffee this morning in my musical notes mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 15

First, a little introduction: one of my very dear friends has a great coffee mug collection. So, every morning she posts her mug choice on facebook, together with few sentences about her day plans, family news, or something else to that extant. After being unemployed for a number of months, I decided to enter into a friendly competition with her – because between my own shopping, and my Beloved Sibling never claiming some of her stuff after getting married, and yours truly somehow ending up with family stuff after our parents split up...To make the long story short, I got my own decent mug collection.

It started with my mug choices, to which I decided to add the weather report as seen from my window, to which I decided to add occasional pet news, to which I eventually decided to add some pithy comments about “current events” - because, let's face it – the celebrity obsession is, well, idiotic. Low and behold, I got a little “following” - my friends kept telling me that my silly updates made them smile, made their days, offered them something to look forward to. So, I started doing it almost religiously.

And then I thought “why not post them on my blog?”. Of course, being a neurotic Jewess with OCD, I usually have set rules on what goes where and then. But, heck, it's my blog! And while I am trying to simultaneously write about ten “serious” pieces to post here ( and am not able to finish one), my decision to post my morning updates here solidified. Below is the one I wrote on Friday, February 15:

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather, once again, is nice for a February day. Actually tempted to go and check out post-valentine sales. George decided to snack on some napkins yesterday because they came from a burger joint - I guess they smelled like chicken wings and burgers to him. Megyn Kelly is pregnant - which happy occasion is trending at #2. Good luck, Megyn, from the bottom of my heart - because this time it won't just be pictures of baby bumps in cute maternity clothes; it will be a full-blown attack from the self-proclaimed defenders of human rights in general, and female rights in particular. Meteor struck Russia, reportedly injuring more than 500 hundred people - basically, doing only a fraction of the damage that the Russian government does to its citizens on a daily basis. Malia Obama might be dating - I am sure the guy loves his veggies and quinoa; also wondering how much additional security that particular young love would entail. There is also a list of 5 careers to avoid - they forgot to mention any job at the "frum" company, especially if you are a woman. Some celebrities have "strange hobbies": Nicholas Cage collects dinosaur bones, William Shatner likes archery, Mila Kunis is heavy into WarCraft, and Tom Hanks collects old typewriters - I honestly don't give a flying banana on what they spend their money, as long as they keep their (mostly uneducated) traps shot and don't involve themselves in anti-American activities, politics, and envirowacoism. Speaking of which, Jolie and Pitt are about to release their first wine next month - the previous statement applies. "Kris Humphries' lawyer reportedly sacked the star as his client" - because according to the lawyer, there were no legal grounds for the annulment of his marriage to Kim K.; and, in case you were wondering, this is your latest in Kardashain news. Kate, on the other hand, seems to be hiding again from the public - can't say I blame her. Bieber is, once again, absent - is he quietly searching for a new girlfriend? Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.

VETERAN'S DAY

In a strange fit of galactic irony, this year we had 2 Veterans' Days – one calendar one, which fell on Sunday, necessitating the second one on Monday – so that government employees were not deprived of one of their days off, and the good people of the United States of America were not deprived of their proper shopping experience.

Of course, if you cared to take a look at the general situation in the country, Veterans had absolutely nothing to celebrate: the re-election of Comrade Barack Hussein Obama, or Barry Soetoro, or whatever the hell his real name is, almost certainly guaranteed the complete gutting and demoralization of our current military; continued senseless slaughter of our troops in Afghanistan; and, last, but not least, the severe cuts in benefits to all the vets.

So, all I could say in my head on those two days was : I am sorry.

I am sorry for the election results.

I am sorry for the deplorable state of the country you risk your life and limb to defend.

I am sorry for the unending assault on you from the general media.

I am sorry I can't even send you care packages for Thanksgiving because I am unemployed and broke.

But please know this: there are a lot of us for whom your dedication to the United States and the Constitution is beyond appreciated. You are in our thoughts and prayers constantly – and that is never said as a tired cliché.

This grateful American, who survived communist hell, salutes you!

HALF-BORING EVENING

One fine June Sunday yours truly was suffering from the typical New York June humidity and psyching herself (unsuccessfully) to do something more productive than suffer from humidity, drink cold tea, or play Farmville. So, while my computer was traveling from one farm to another, my eyes wandered to a pile of papers on my desk that I had a vague recollection I had to do something about. I quickly skimmed through them to make sure my gas would not be turned off for being a dodo bird and forgetting to pay the bill, and here it was: the Bar Mitzva invitation I had specifically stuck in this pile in order not to forget my promised attendance.

And hence I was presented with the usual dilemma: should I keep my word and attend (once I promised I would), or forget about the whole thing, make sure all my crops were harvested, and catch the latest episode of The Glades. After about five minutes of serious deliberations I remembered why I promised to attend to begin with: aside from the fact that the mother of the Bar Mitzva boy was a nice person (even if for whatever reason she annoyed me in high school), and I was supposed to represent the clan as Beloved Sibling is currently residing in The Holy Land; the main pro argument, though, was the proximity of the celebration hall (which is within walking distance from my humble abode). So, I reasoned, if somebody would royally annoy me, I could just slip away and walk home.

Thus decided, I duly applied the war paint to my face (with the end result resembling a fat and curly Morticia Adams), put on my Shabat clothes ( they were light, 100% cotton, and NOT black) – I don't care what the current fashion dictates – the need to breath outweighs almost everything else; and finished the ensemble with my 3 buck shiny flip-flops (which matched the flowers on my skirt perfectly). After that I dug out my Vera Bradley evening bag, which, while being cute, does not really match any outfit I have – but is roomy enough to pack a paperback; the said paperback was duly packed, and I trotted off the celebration hall.

Due to years coming on time to various celebrations and then feeling like an idiot for doing so, I ended up timing my arrival perfectly – it was pretty late, and everyone was taking their places by the tables. As expected, I was seated with a bunch of former classmates – but this particular bunch was not from “oh, joy” category, so, it was not so bad. Of course, aside from somewhat flamboyant mother of the Bar Mitzvah boy, I was the only one not in black. The general conversation went over my head, as usual, but, to be fair, “girls” tried to occasionally include me in it – and I did end up catching up on a lot of mundane news and even managed to have a half-decent conversation with the “girl” seated next to me. The food was also pretty edible, plus I was saved the necessity of standing in front of the stove during such wonderful day. Dancing I decided to skip, because a) it was pretty boring, and b) I value the health of my feet too much for that. Of course, to cap off a pretty normal, if somewhat mundane, evening, in the end I had to run into a friend's husband who wanted to know, in the best “Flatbush” tradition, “what I was doing there” - the said question always reminding me that not really belonging to this glorious community is not a figment of my loner's imagination – I really don't belong.

So, basically, the evening was not as painful as those things usually are for me, the paperback was not really needed, I got fed, and even caught up with all schoolmates without too much effort on my part. But it also made me realize, once again, that people lost (or never had) the art of truly celebrating, because something is always missing in those events – something that makes it not worth my while to get dressed and put the war paint on. Ah, well, maybe it's just me.

SHANA TOVAH!

As is traditional on this blog for the past couple of years, I would like to wish all my brothers and sisters a Shana Tova somewhere around Rosh Chodesh Kislev – well, definitely before we celebrate Chanukah.

So, to all the members of our tribes, regardless of your religious affiliation, or the acknowledgment of belonging to our tribes, or even the realization that you actually do belong – I wish all of you a good, sweet, healthy, happy, prosperous, and blessed year.

I don't know if all of us prayed well enough these past High Holidays, or, if, using a non-kosher reference, we have been “very naughty” these past couple of years, but so far this year is shaping to be, well, challenging. To be truthful, we are in grave peril. Every single anti-Semitic force on Earth that ever existed is rearing its ugly head once again, but, most horrifying of all, our own so-caller leaders, both religious and secular, are, to paraphrase Caroline Glick, are like dogs. They are petty, cowardly, concerned with idiocy, and completely unable to lead. Aside from incompetent and ignorant leaders, we have way too many non-leaders in our midst that either forgot what being a Jew truly means – or, worse, are simply not happy to be one. I know that by this time it sounds like a well-worn platitude, but we really need to try our best to be the best Jews we could be – and pray; pray hard and from the heart.

On the light note: yours truly did her usual by making sure to come to services early on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, but slept through the ones on Succot.

And – drum roll please – here comes the fashion report:

Beau Brummel can rest peacefully – the good matrons of South Brooklyn and their daughters continue to favor black in all its ugly, ehr, elegant permutations. And, sadly, this year, neither the flowers nor the feathers of small birds were in vogue as hair ornaments – so, goth couture all around. Yours truly, being her usual stubborn Jewish self, broke the mold with green, yellow, and pink (not all at the same time, though). There were other iconoclasts in the congregation (about half a minyan worth), who showed up dressed in violet, peach, blue, and – gasp – light gray/lavender leather. What can I tell you – it was an interesting fashion show.

And last, but not least, as always, my friends shared their delicious holiday meals. And, sadly, but not unexpectedly, I got to listen to a ton of idiocy coming out of the mouths of other guests. Here, in no particular order, is a partial list of the more salient points.

The reason the eat fish on Rosh Hashona is because fish is the only one member of animal world who procreates completely without touching – since when did we acquire such Muslim or Catholic aversion to sex?

The judgment on Rosh Hashona happens before Musaf, so, a special Chassidish Rav takes 4 hours to say the morning Shemona Esre – how?

I am Russian,my roots are there, and I should be proud of this heritage – with all due respect and admiration, go to the warm basement.

Another time a guest gave the host exact instructions as how to make kiddish for his (guest's) progeny and how to serve them grape juicy – no comment.

Of course, the best was when another guest at my friend's house pointed at me and asked our hostess “who is this?”; then proceeded to discuss and debate diets and healthy foods with another couple present at the meal. And if that was not fun enough, the discussion proceeded with the visiting husband extolling the virtues of Moscow, mocking my beloved country, deriding me for my patriotism, and reacting with snide bewilderment to my profound hate for the step-mama country.

Basically, Holidays were great, but tainted with the ignorance that, unfortunately, is very prevalent in our circles, and is, in my humble opinion, one of the root causes of most of our problems.

So, here is to a, hopefully, good and sweet year filled with true Achavat Chinam and working Jewish brains.

Александр Городницкий - Галилей - profound and timeless

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

Once again, I did not get a chance to acknowledge all the recent Holidays, so, here are my belated “Happy Holidays” and some random remarks.

As long as I celebrated Purim, I always loved that day – precisely for what it represents and what we are celebrating. Of course, in our illustrious neighbourhood, people usually tend to forget the forest for the trees – and the rush to outperform each other in the Misheloach Manot department usually overshadows everything else. Plus, this was the first Purim without munchkins – so, the celebratory spirit was slightly on the thin side. Also, due to slight monetary constrains, I decided to honour the spirit of the holiday by spending whatever money I could on the gifts for the poor and giving only one Misheloach Manot – to my mom. This year, I sort of wanted to get a costume, but by the time I figured out whom I wanted to be (a witch, of course), it was a bit late in the game. On the plus side, a good acquaintance from Riverdale invited me for the festive meal, and, as The Bronx community is much more chilled than ours, I ended up having a smashing time – even surrounded by liberals. Of course, Americans can not drink properly – as was demonstrated again by that particular feast. By the time I was ready to leave, the hostess observed that only 6 bottles of wine were consumed! Later that evening, while summarizing the whole thing on facebook, she came to the realization that the whole 10 bottles were empty – after 30 guests (at which point she thought that that was a sufficient alcohol consumption)! My American born and raised Jewish brothers and sisters – you have absolutely no knowledge of what true drinking entails!

Which brings me to Pesach, during which the absence of munchkins was present as well, but, all in all, I had a nice Holiday and enjoyed the overpriced poor bread – otherwise known as matza. Also remembered why and what we celebrate.

Which brings me to Shavuot, during which the absence of munchkins was felt too. Also, that is usually the time we start turning on the air conditioning – and this time there was no exceptions (sigh). I love Shavuot, but the three H weather is not usually conducive to deep thoughts and introspections. None the less, it was a time of great celebration.

On Purim I made the requisite visits to schul – and this time did not manage to avoid The Head Yenta. On Pesach and Shavuot the will was there – but the body was not willing, so, ended up missing Birkat Cohanim, for a change.

On the side note: people always claim that they get cold just by looking at my flip flops in October (and beyond); by the same token, I get hot just by looking at our esteemed matrons and maidens, dressed all (or mostly) in black garments, usually constructed from non-breathable materials.

And now – a little note from my grouchy side. I love my friends; I enjoy their company and I am always very grateful to all of them for their hospitality and delicious meals. But (a tiny fly in the ointment) there is usually at least one guest at every meal whose extreme intellectual abilities, wide and varied educational background, and solid political views give me indigestion and make my head pound and my blood boil. Having attained certain maturity, I came to the conclusion that arguing with idiots is a total waste of breath, time, and energy – but sometimes I simply can't listen to all the nonsense uttered and not roll my eyes.

This particular Holiday season was, unfortunately, not an exception. Below is a short list of brilliant things I have heard this time around (hopefully, I will write rebuttals to at least some of those):

As I learned American history in Russia, I am not qualified to offer my opinion on that particular subject.

We need affirmative actions today because we used to have slavery.

The high rate of anti-Semitism amongst the blacks is very surprising.

99.9% of Americans believe that Obama is a great orator.

Israel needs to be soft on Arabs since it is fighting the war of public opinion.

Obama is willing to give federal support to the Jewish schools; Romney would only give it to the Protestant ones.

Christians taught Muslims blood libels; our esteemed cousins could not possible arrive at those on their own.

England had no right to exist as a country.

Secular anti-Semites are baffled by our community: here is a collection of smart, educated, worldly people, so the presence of religious believes in not clear.

We (the current wave or Russian Jewish immigrants) are here due to the tireless efforts of Mikhail Gorbachev.

We needed the internet asifa.

There is no American exceptionalism.

I am sure there was much more, but my brain blessedly blocked it from my memory.

Aside from that (and the absence of munchkins), I had a wonderful and pretty meaningful Holiday season.

LAST SEASON (CONTINUATION)

Previously, on Barb's World the following took place:

(Part 2)

Aside from becoming a part of the unemployment statistics, a few other things happened to me in that time gap of non-blogging, the most notable of which was my 2010 Birthday.

Drum roll please! Here comes a huge confession! OK, enough with the drum roll – I turned 40 in 2010.

Here is a little known fact about me: I was, of course, named in the Jewish tradition – after a relative; only usually the relatives we are named after are at least one generation removed – unless that name is a “special” case. Well, my name was. I was named after my father's younger sister - who died from hunger in infancy during WWII.

Now, when I was young(er), “old people”, especially women, always claimed that at a certain point birthdays cease being fun or something to look forward to – or to celebrate. I can definitely attest to this fact...Not that I don't enjoy birthdays once they come, but I definitely stopped looking forward to them. And on this one I kept thinking about a particular novel by Lisa Kleypas. Amanda from Suddenly You had a bit in common with your humble servant; not only this, but I was tempted to do something on the par with the crazy thing she did for her thirtieth birthday (which, in Victorian times, equaled 40 in ours, I guess)...alas, things that happen in novels we read to escape the real life rarely, if ever, happen in real life; that is why we read those books.

Not only was I not especially looking forward to that Birthday, but by the time it came, I was slightly approaching comatose state – due mostly to the happenings described in the previous chapter. I did not even get myself a customary “Happy Birthday To Me” present. Never the less, my family, as always, tried to make it as special as possible. My mom sort of took care of it on Shabat, and my sister and brother-in-law took me out for a fantastic meal at La Marais (which happens to be a smashing stake house). We were later joined by a dear friend of the family and his wife; my mom graciously baby set the munchkins (as traveling to Manhattan is not a lot of fun for her), and I got to break out my new evening bag from Vera Bradley (purchased, of course, on e-bay). My dad and Baby Bro, being stoic men, offered me heart-felt congratulations, and gave sweet, from the heart, gifts. All in all, it was a good birthday, even if without much bang (which, frankly, I did not want at all).

Now, when you reach a certain age, you are (hopefully), at that level of maturity when you feel you learned something from life – and where (sometimes) you feel the need to start dispensing unsolicited advice to young whipper-snappers.

I don't feel like dispensing any kind of advise – solicited or otherwise – but here are some things (in no particular order), which I think I realized with approaching years.

Your parents are always right. You still feel the need to make your own mistakes and listen only to your experiences and your gut, but something in them – love, intuition, prophetic knowledge, greater wisdom (who the heck knows) – will always see the best path for you.

Loving family is paramount to happiness – plain and simple.

Energy level does decrease; it creeps up pretty stealthily, and you don't notice it right away - but all of a sudden you feel more like staying at home in your pjs then getting dressed and doing something fun outside. On top of that comes realization that you can't sustain yourself on 4 hours of sleep anymore, the way you did in college and long after.

Body very slowly, but very surely, also begins to go south. The more you look in the mirror, the more lines you see on your face (and somehow breakouts still happen!). Every time you get a haircut, you notice more gray hairs. Joints begin to creak. All the small injuries that you forgot about in your twenties and thirties all of the sudden start reminding about themselves oh so quietly. And one day you realize that your vision may not be 20/20 anymore.

You begin to realize that when “old people” were talking about good health as a greatest of blessings, they weren't talking nonsense.

Friends are really important. Good acquaintances are nice and needed as well, but real friends – people who would be there for you no matter what – you really, really need them. And once you get one true, fantastic friend – fight tooth and nail in order to preserve that friendship.

I don't think anyone reached my age and did not experience at least one major disaster in their lives; for me those were my parents' break up, my mother's cancer, and 9/11 – and some less major, but not less painful things. Also, through no fault of my own, I lost some important components in my life – and even though I never loose hope of regaining those intangible components, in my darker moments I become afraid that I never will.

Men are not the enemy. They are annoying, exasperating, selfish, obtuse...believe me, the list of adjectives is long. But Mr. Darcy does exist – even today; you just have to wade through a lot of Whickams, Collinses, and even Bingleys before you find him. The results are not guaranteed – but without mutual love and respect there is no happy marriage.

Being a woman is a blessing and a curse. It is (and probably always will be) a man's world – despite the suffragettes, feminists, and the natural progression of the Western Civilization. We feel more – and much deeper; care more; take on way more responsibilities; and are way more vulnerable – both emotionally and physically. But we do have the ability and the power to bring love, kindness, and caring into the world – under any circumstances.

Children are the biggest blessing in life there is. Long time ago, in my salad days, I attended a lecture about different levels of happiness that a human being can attain in this world. Being able to imitate The Almighty – creating something – is one of the highest levels; but no other attempt at creation even begins to approach the creation of a child! And nothing on this Earth equals a moment when a child smiles at you, looks at you with an unreserved love, and hugs you with his or her tiny, pudgy arms. And every time you listen to them, you get to remember and partially re-experience the exuberance only they have for exploring the world – and the innocence with which they see it.

I am sure there are many more things I have learned – just can't remember them now. The important thing in life is to take whatever you have learned so far and build up on it towards the general fulfillment and happiness. But, in the best Jewish tradition, I can't just look forward – I have to constantly look behind and analyze everything again and again.

Everyone who knows me personally can vouch for the fact that I am a confirmed non-conformist – pun not intended. But very few, if any, know that that does not steam from my need to defy authority – I just want to lead my life according to my own logic, and not the norm accepted by the mediocrity at large. All the seemingly crazy things I do come from that – and sometimes from the desire to observe Burke's famous uttering.

Long time ago, in college, at one of the psych classes taught by the prof that I hated and everyone else loved, we had a discussion about compromises as opposed to staying true to one's conscience. My naive self claimed that by not compromising your principles you get to sleep at night – to which the esteemed educator responded that at that particular course a person usually ends up sleeping on the bench. And everyone in that particular group agreed!

Irony of ironies – I tried to lead my life opposite to that cynical remarks; but sometimes I think that if not for my family, Gd bless them, few times in my life I would have ended sleeping on the park bench. So, the introspection and the soul searching go on.

Back to the origin of my name. A few years ago, couple of well-meaning relatives who enjoy dabbling in Kabalah, told my mom that I should change my name or add to it – because my poor aunt, who never really had a chance at life, is jealous of me – and that explains the present (not completely satisfactory) state of my life.

Now, being a stubborn mule (see above), I categorically refused to play with my name – and not only because I personally believe that our parents don't just name us – it does come to them in a certain prophetic way. You see, knowing my father's family, I am firmly convinced that she is not jealous; but sometimes I am afraid that I don't really give that much luster to the name.

So, here I am – armed with my Jewish stiff neck and (hopefully) some acquired knowledge and wisdom, I am hopefull that I will yet make her proud of me. Happy UnBirthday!

Emma Shapplin - Spente le Stelle

TO MY BELOVED NIECE, ON HER BIRTHDAY

My Dearest Eh,

Because of the circumstances beyond my control, this is the first of your birthdays (and hopefully last) that we are spending apart. But being apart from you only made me think once again of all the things that make me love you so much.

We met when you were about fifteen minutes old. The delivery room only allows so many extras inside, so, while you were born, I ended up in a little visitors lounge trying to calm down your grandfather - who was making valiant attempts at making huge holes in the cheep floors of that lounge.

Your mommy didn't want to know in advance if she was having a little boy or a little girl, so, while you were swimming inside of her, you were just “Baby” - that is, till the first sonogram; at which point my dear sister declared that “Baby” looked like a little alien – and the moniker stuck. So, you were “Alien”, and then, being a real American, your mommy shortened it to “Alie”; she also claimed that the sound of your heartbeat was her favorite techno music. Meanwhile, your aunt (I), who always enjoyed escaping into her daydreams, for some reason kept imagining that Alie would be a little girl, and that both of us would become wonderful friends.

So, after that tiny scare that you gave us upon your arrival, your Aba came into that room and told us “It's a girl”; you can't begin to imagine the joy and relief those simple words brought to us. We all crowded into your mommy's room to meet the newest member of our family. My sister looked exhausted – and transformed by happiness. In her arms she cradled a tiny bundle; my first words were “ Oh, my Gd! That's Alie?” You looked red and wrinkled – in the best traditions of all newborn. You were sucking your whole fist, and your smart, beautiful eyes kept looking at all the people around you. And all the people in the room were forever transformed.

We ended up spending a lot of time together. I was your first official babysitter – the most neurotic one you ever had (so far). I made sure you were always very clean – and did your laundry with almost fanatical precision. I made sure to circulate all your outfits – and took at least one picture in each one. I had the precise inventory of all your toys in my head. I cleaned and emptied your stroller after every excursion outside. Sometimes I took you to Dr. Sima – and believe me, all those shots hurt me as much as they did you. You officially became a New Yorker when you took your first subway ride – and your dear aunt discovered the exact percentage of jerks riding that subway. Also thanks to me, you had your first brush with jury duty (but that is a separate story).

Even after I got an “official” job, I made sure to spend as much time with your as possible. You were an ideal baby – good tempered and extremely friendly; you used to smile at anything remotely resembling a human shape. You were not an exceptionally fussy eater (although you refused to drink formula under any circumstances).

It was you who first called me “Papi”.

After you got a bit bigger, we began to explore the city. Your MacLaren Techno saw more subway cars than any tourist. We went everywhere – The Met, Central Park, FAO Schwartz, Times Square, Toys R Us in Times Square, Upper West Side, Upper East Side, Central Park Zoo, Prospect Park Zoo, Columbus Circle, Borders, Banes and Noble - needless to say, the list is pretty extensive. Most notable among them was Dylan's Candy Shoppe – in whose subbasement you took your first unaided steps!! Those steps were duly witnessed by your mommy, your Papi, largish number of tourists, and half the floor of Dylan's overpriced, but fantastic merchandise.

It was on those trips when your presence literally saved me. You see, after surviving 9/11 and the year following it, Lower Manhattan was something that brought tears and an overwhelming desire to avoid it as much as possible. But when I started roaming with you, all of the sudden it was OK to go to Battery Park City. That park became our favorite destination. Your company in WFC, by the Famous Bull statue, in Whitehall – it just leached away pain. I saw you running in Winter Garden, dressed in your snappy pink outfit from Gymboree and waiving a piece of pastry – and the horrific picture of that place lying in ruins...it did not bother me as much. Gd willing, when you get older, I hope you will understand just how incredibly special that was; how incredibly special you are, my Eh.

Because, you see, that is not all. When you were born, we didn't just get a beloved daughter, granddaughter, and niece – you were the first member of your mommy's family to be born on American soil; to be born free. Your ancestors survived it all – virulent anti-Semitism, Muslim and Christian persecutions, Communists, Nazis, Holocaust...When you started attending Jewish school – it was beyond triumph for our family. And when you excelled in your studies, especially Judaic Studies – we were beyond happy tears. That is how special you and your younger siblings are, Eh, – we triumphed over all that hatred and repeated attempts to wipe us out – and we were blessed by the Almighty with you!

You are beautiful inside and out. You clearly inherited your mommy's musical and artistic talents – with Gd help, you will grow to nurture these talents. You are smart and kind – and you clearly inherited our family's “love” for homework. You are a great older sister – although you don't always appreciate your siblings:).

May The Heavenly Father continue to protect you, your siblings, and your parents; and may He always bestow His blessings on us all!

Happy Birthday!

I love your curly, fluffy head,

Your Papi.

LAST SEASON

Previously, on Barb's World the following took place:

(Part 1)

I lost my job. I would love to say that my old company was a victim of current economic climate, and that would not be a lie – just not a complete truth. Our Upper Management, in the best traditions of Idiot Bosses, basically drove the company into the ground.

True, the work for architects was not lying on the ground (no pun intended), but we were an old, established firm with good reputation for doing what we were doing. Unfortunately, as it turned out, the majority of Upper Echelon were not architects, and as such did not, according to my Big Boss, understand the unique financial pitfalls facing architects. So, they were spending money hand over fist, claiming that the turbulence on Wall Street will not touch them in Columbus, Ohio – and I am not joking or making this one up. After embarking on this particularly brilliant course, they lost a huge project with a major client – namely, Ohio State University. Now, the prudent course would have been to cut your losses, collect whatever money you could, and try to move on, mentally cursing the cantankerous client (I was not privy to the details, and as such can not really offer an opinion on who was the real wronged party in this situation – not that it really matters). Apparently, prudence (never mind logic) were not in the vocabulary of our Big Cheeses. So, they decided to sue the above-mentioned major client, and, in the course of pretty lengthy law suit, they also managed to stage periodic coup d'etats, during one of which our corporation lost a CEO (and ended up without one for about nine months).

Now, imagine for a minute that you are a hospital, or a major laboratory. You need to do serious renovations on one or more of your buildings, or build a brand new building. You put out official advertisements and are going through a bunch of colorful proposals submitted by major firms specializing in this kind of thing. A particular proposal catches your interest, and you decide to further investigate the company and determine if they are as good as they look on paper. Low and behold, simple Google search will produce a multiple hits, the first of which will state that the firm is currently in the middle of the law suit with a former major client, and the second hit will tell you the they currently have no CEO, and did not have one for quite a while (the order might be reversed, and you see the CEO business first, and the law suit thing second). After imagining this particular scenario, would you honestly tell me that you would hire this company (despite their long history of solid work)? Yea, it was clear for simple folks like you and me, and my co-workers, but not clear for the Upper Echelons of Stupidity, who kept excitedly announcing that we were short-listed for a project, and then dejectedly add a week or so later that the other firm got the job.

Obviously, such state of affairs could not go on indefinitely, as much fun as it was to observe. So, one fine morning yours truly was called into a meeting with Big Boss and his Right Hand. During this memorable powwow I was informed that I would be getting a pink slip in a few weeks – on Erev Rosh Hashana, of all days. Understandably, these tidings did not cheer me up; but, as this job was beginning to get to me, and I could not find anything else (this time thanks to the current regime), I pacified myself with the idea of couple of months' worth of stay-cation. Ha, if only that would be the case!

To make a very long and pretty painful story shorter – I ended up working a few months beyond the original plan at the reduced hours; in the process, we had to deal for a month without the internet connection; move to the smaller office for a month and a half; clean our office out of 30+years worth of accumulated garbage (thank the Good Lord I was not an architect, so I did not have to do much); put up with short tempers and temper tantrums of our remaining bosses, share desks, a phone (singular), and computers, etc, etc, etc. Towards the end, our most popular refrain was “when are getting fired already?” On top of all other delights, on the last week of December we were hit with a respectable-sized snow storm, so we were closed on Monday and Tuesday.

Thursday morning started slow ( as usual); in the afternoon, the three remaining architects departed to job sites (and holiday parties), so the marketing coordinator and yours truly were left to guard our pathetic domain (with no clear plan of workday in site). We were in the middle of schmoozing and exchanging opinions on the burning topics of pop culture when I noticed a new e-mail popping up. It was from our Chief Council (who at that point was almost officially running the firm) with ccs to everyone of importance still left in the company. In it I was informed that my last day of employment, as anticipated, would be December 31; I was further commanded to co-ordinate the transfer of all projects and files I was responsible for, and was threatened with denial of severance payment in the event of non-cooperation.

Now, try to visualize this tableau for a second: it is 3:30 pm on December 30^th; office is deserted aside from the two of us; and on December 31 we are officially closed; everyone knew that we would eventually get our pink slips, but nobody was aware of the time table...and now this luminary of jurisprudence was threatening me with the loss of severance payment that was promised to me only by the grace and persistence of our Big Boss and consisted of (are you ready?) of exactly one weekly paycheck. Of course I was tempted to use coarse language and tell her to go boil her head – and cc to everyone of importance still left in the company. But, as I lamented many times before, it is hard to live with my parents' upbringing; plus, “Miss Dickinson is a conscientious nurse”, and she likes to leave her desk tidy. Never the less, I got a bit of bile out of my system by pointing out to her (and to everyone of importance still left in the company) that I am a literal person and not a mind-reader, and would have appreciated at least a day, and not 2 hours of warning, especially in the face of snowstorm and the end of the year – with which I deliberately congratulated her (because she decided not to overburden her correspondence with such niceties).

Next week, I came into office for 4 more hours due to the above-mentioned reasons. The Right Hand, who, all in all, was a pretty decent dude, profusely apologized for the stupidity of the higher ups in Ohio and tried to get some kind of monetary compensation for those dratted 4 hours. I accepted his apology simply because it was not his fault; the compensation never materialized (which I am sure was not his fault either). I brought them donuts (because a cake would have been silly for 4 people); we hugged and promised to try and keep in touch (the usual promise that nobody usually intends to keep); and thusly that four-and-a half-year chapter of my life was closed; and I officially became a part of statistic.  

HAPPY (ALMOST) EVERYTHING

Hello, Dear Readers!

Yes, I know, it has been quite a while since a new post graced those pages (or whatever phrase you want to use). I got a rather lengthy explanation for a very lengthy absence which, hopefully, will follow shortly, but for now I would like to continue the not such a great tradition of this blog and wish everyone a very, very belated, but most definitely sincere Shana Tova (hey, the year is only half over). I also hope that everyone had a fantastic and meaningful Yom Kipur, and that He was merciful and inscribed and sealed all of us in the Book of Life. Furthermore, I hope that Succot rocked for everyone, and that Tu'BeShevat was more than fruit munching (and I really hope nobody tried to eat boxer this year).

Jokes aside, it is my fervent hope and wish that all my Jewish brothers and sisters have a fantastic year filled with health, happiness, wonderful livelihood, protection from our enemies, and, most importantly, the realization that our petty, idiotic differences do not matter, that we are strong and prosperous only when we are united in love for each other.

SHANA TOVA!

As it was self-evidenced by the lack of entries, my blogging was lagging behind again for the last couple of months. So, I would like to take this opportunity of blessed five seconds of peace and quiet to wish everyone Shana Tova (hey, it is only Kislev).

To all my brothers and sisters, regardless of their self-proclaimed affiliation (or the lack of thereof) and to all righteous people in this world I wish, from the bottom of my heart, a year of goodness, happiness, health, prosperity, love, friendship, and the continued protection and blessings from our Heavenly Father! And as always my biggest wish is that the meaning of Arba Minim would be a guiding light for all the Jews.

On the lighter note, here are my holiday highlights:

As always, managed to visit a record number of friends neglected throughout the year; if the memory serves me right, had only one verbal altercation.

The requisite naps in schul – check.

Over-stuffing on good food – check.

Over-imbibing of alcoholic beverages – on the slim side.

Short fashion report: Beau Brummell reigns almost supreme, with the few pathetic attempts to undermine him with flowery patterns, light blues, browns, and peach. The hair ornaments made out of the feathers of small birds apparently went out of fashion this year with nothing to substitute for (at least in our congregation).

Our family’s “off the boat” anniversary, which falls on Mostzei Yom Kippur in Hebrew calendar and on September 22 in Gregorian, this year corresponded with Erev Succot; we did not really celebrate much, but yours truly got one of the best complements from her host of the night: “I think you love this country more than a lot of Americans”.

The first night of Succot was, of course, marked by torrential rains and everyone’s amusing stories of horror; I just had fun in the company of varying medical professionals complete with “Shabbos Goy” – a very nice Italian cardiologist who loves Jews and Jewish holidays.

And finally, on this Succot, there was a market absence of discussions by my guy friends as to what kind of serial killer would I represent.

Shana Tova U’Metuka!

More memories - two different movies, one theme

YES, I AM THAT KNOWLEGEBLE

Recently, MBS started a very serious discussion with her Grandmother about her shoes – well, she is a girl, after all. The said conversation concluded, of course, with a request to acquire a very specific kind of footwear for Golden Delicious – but that is just the title.

After painstakingly describing the necessary shoes in all the glorious details, MBS suggested to her Yummy to inquire of Papi as to where the said shoes could be acquired!

Now, yours truly has a basic map of city’s libraries and bookstores committed to memory; I can give you subway directions better than half of the MTA employees; I know where to acquire a great cup of coffee or a kosher meal (or at least a snack) in your wanderings around Manhattan; but fashion plate I am empathically not! Nobody who knows me well would ever ask me about the best place for any kind of fashion acquisition – nobody who is an adult, that is.

In the unshakable logical perception of my niece, if Papi knows where the huge, three story candy shop is, or how to get to a shiny chocolate store, or how to visit Mickey by going on choo choo train, then Papi is the best go to person when you need a specific pair of shoes (at least I think so). I love you, my big Curly Gnome!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, USA!

Happy Birthday to my magnificent country! I love you with all of my slightly battered soul, your warts and all!

Today, you are in peril more than ever, and I pray with all my heart for continued Divine Protection against all of your enemies, foreign and domestic.

Here is to your wonderful people; to Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness; to unalienable rights from our Creator; and, most importantly, to the train that will go over the bridge even if there is only 50% chance of the bridge not collapsing! Here is to hope!

Part 2 of American humor

In honor of Independence Day - some american humor

ONCE AGAIN, ON THE WRONG UPBRINGING

Today, a minor rudeness of a fellow human being got yours truly on a slightly philosophical bend (after the initial cool off period), and I remembered something I told one of my close friends a little while ago.

I told her that with each passing year (and hopefully, the maturing maturity), I appreciate my parents more and more, with all their human frailties. Here are the people with true Jewish hearts and souls and the real Ba’aley Chesed. They helped everyone they could (with time and money); have been constantly taken advantage of by more people I care to remember (in countless ways); continued to help everyone they could; always had an open house and a table full of guests (regardless of the financial situation at any given moment); and always remained polite to everyone – with the exceptions of: attacks on their children, Jews, the Holy Land, and USA (or the defense of Mother Russia and its unique culture).

And now, when I am quickly approaching a certain age, I understand, both consciously and subconsciously, that the greater world and humanity at large do not operate the way my parents do. But, the saddest part of all, it is still very hard to accept.

TRACES OF IRONY

Since I work for a private company, my employers were hit pretty hard recently (just like the rest of the private sector). So, as a result of some implemented economizing techniques (some sensible, some not), we are now subleasing part of our office to some kind of small outfit that looks like it is involved in real estate investment (more I do not know and do not really care). One interesting feature about these people is impressive noise level they seem to generate (mainly, of course, due to the owner and his peculiar way of communicating).

Anyway, that, as Sir Percy would say, was just the title. At a certain point a new guy joined their ranks and increased the noise level by about 300%. Aside from the volume, the contents of this gentleman’s s speeches (and the multiply repetitions) were, forgive the cliché, the good equivalent of nails on blackboard. One day I was chatting with a co-worker about this interesting development. He told me that it was the amount of sheer bull s--- in the dude’s soliloquies that annoyed him the most. “Who buys this BS?” – He wondered. At this point I had to keep myself very hard from displaying my own incredulity. You bought the idea of Barak Hussein Obama as American President, sir! That was probably the biggest load of BS unloaded on American populace in the entire history of this country; and yet you are wondering as to who would buy the bovine fecal matter produced by that poor schmuck?

I belong to I pretty large circle of friends and close acquaintances who are all presently observant Jews and all had their childhoods enriched by the tender love or Russian communists. By my calculations, I am the oldest member who also spent the longest time in the loving embrace of those benevolent individuals. But this too is just the title.

Recently, some members of our circle seem to have felt the echo of the old regime right here, in the United States. Interestingly enough, they did not feel it coming from the left of the political aisle, which is famous for crashing any and all dissent, be it political or scientific. Who is furthermore famous for depraving everyone else of the freedom of speech while screeching about protecting it; who lately displayed disgusting misogyny in viciously attacking prominent conservative women, and, the irony of ironies, that movement is comprised of basically atheists and agnostics who preach that religion is “opium for the masses” and a root of all evil. Nope, the feeling of step-mama regime did not come from there; it came from “rigid political right” with Governor Brewer putting a nice (please forgive another cliché) acing on the cake of bitter memories. To quote one of my favorite movies: “Funny? Very not funny!”