HALF A DAY IN NEW YORK

This past Wednesday I ended up traveling to the previously unexplored part of the Lower East Side – I went 3 more blocks east on Grand Street past . Funny vignettes from that day:

Observed a bunch of old dudes speaking Yiddish – they were Americans, and not Chassidim at all (which was kind of refreshing).

Tourists are loosing a lot of money traveling on tour buses when for a bargain price of $2.50 they can board NYC bus and see the exact same things. Plus, they get an opportunity to observe real Nyers in their real and unending craziness.

According to Starbucks my name is Camero – yea, go figure.

If you go to the farmer's market in April, the only fruit available are apples – they look like they were harvested back in October, but still cost 2-3 more than in the store.

Pleasant discovery - drug stores begin to sell flippies in April as "seasonal goods"!

And, last but least, according to the Rite Aid on Grand Street, my blood pressure returned to the pre-Obama levels – set course of self-therapy that includes ignoring morons in general, an liberals morons in particular, as much as possible is working.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 11

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! Happy Rosh Chodesh! Ladies, again - LIGHT housework and presents from your husbands! The weather is still crazy and much colder - no word on Ohio prosecutor filing new charges against Phil. The crazy upstairs is alive and kicking. George still prefers his amazon box to my bed, unless he wants to be petted - in which case it has to be done on my bed. Sniffles dropped Survival Cracker box from the top of the book case, then fluffed his tail 6 times its usual size and ran around the place like crazy. Last night Baby Bro re-arranged the canned goods in the pantry - because my neurotic arrangement of them was irritating his neurosis. Argentina's President will not be invited to Iron Lady's funeral, which "political snub" will further diplomatic antagonism between 2 countries - who needs good diplomatic relations with Argentina anyway? Back in 2010 Taylor Swift claimed that black eyeliner is one "beauty tool" she can't live without - and yet she appeared on the latest issue of Wonderland magazine without it! Kelly Clarkson, on the other hand, appeared with a bunch of black dots on her face - 18th century fashion taken to idiotic extreme. Ellen Pompeo showed up in pants strongly resembling pajamas - and here I thought only guys rolled out of bed and went straight to their destination. Karlie Kloss (some kind of Victoria's Secret supermodel) got an "it" hairdo which VS fans do not appreciate - somehow I never envisioned Victoria's fans concerned with hairdos. Basically, there are so many fashion-related news - stop the presses! Charlie Sheen appeared on Leno and talked about doing an episode of his show with Lindsay Lohan - all I can say is, I can't figure out who has more class, Charlie or Lindsay. PETA is trying to scare kids off milk by claiming on their billboards that drinking milk increases zits - why don't you starve yourselves and leave the kids alone, you jackals?!! In California police arrested 5 men who were rubbing banks "Hollywood style" - big whoop; if they robbed the bank Obama-style, that would have been a height of skill! Kim Kardashian is sticking to all black outfits for the third trimester - I guess her stylist was dispatched to Jewish Brooklyn for style tips. "Justin Bieber is only half as popular as he seems on Twitter" - there is still hope for the younger generation. And last, but not least in the fashion news - "Kate Middleton Helped Make Emerald the Color of 2013". Wow, did not know that the duchess and I have similar taste - at least in colors. Coffee this morning in my Disney Mini Bean Bag Plush with Mickey and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 10

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy Rosh Chodesh! Ladies, please, please don't forget - VERY light housework and a gift from your hubby! Weather went completely bananas - thanks, Phil! George abandoned my bed for now in favor of his amazon box. Sniffles, on the other hand, came to snuggle this morning and even laid down next to the pillow, not on it! Of course, five minutes later he decided to nibble on my phone charging cord again, effin democratic infiltrator! Today is National Siblings Day - hello, beloved sibs! Here is a shout to you from your wonderful and neurotic older sister! This weekend Kissimmee, FL, is holding a Quidditch World Cup competition! Surprisingly, England will not participate - only Canada, Mexico, France, and, of course, us. Interesting mix, to say the least - but, hey, go USA!! Granddaughter of Charlie Chaplin is in the Game of Thrones - should I order the premium channels with HBO? Nah, pass. A "celebrity chef" penned up a book telling parents how to make sure your kids eat healthy. One of the first rules - don't loose patience too quickly. Dude, you are only feeding one kid! Did you try to feed a healthy breakfast to 3 kindergardeners while trying to make sure nobody is horrifically late?! Or try to feed dinner to couple of overtired kids with a hungry, ergo unreasonable male in the background? Patience, my coccyx! Playboy Bunny House is on sale for a mere 11 mil - I wonder who is going to buy it. "Assistant White House chef faces furlough" - poor schmuck! He assisted parteigenosse Michelle in her let's move garbage, and she is going to furlough him, but not cancel her vacas or White House concerts. Bieber is trending at #6 right now because of his haircut - at least he stayed dressed this time around. And last, but not least: according to Hollywood Life, Kate and Will are closer than ever because of the coming baby - DUH!!! Coffee this morning in my clear funky glass from Target - and, yes, it was cold!

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 9

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather continues to amaze - for now in a good way. The crazy upstairs is at it again. A post-Passover (or is it post-Easter) miracle occurred in our building - they are installing CCTV! Sniffles is closely following the noises from the hall. George is still enjoying his amazon box. Both of them are still hunting. Sniffles also meets me when I go out ofthe shower - and I can't figure out if it's his love for me or the newly rediscovered heating pipe. Also, somebody finally convinced our building manager that if he wears a shirt that looks clean and ironed, fits him, and is actually buttoned over his beer gut, that does not look like he is not working hard. Christina Hendricks was born a blonde, but dyed her hair red at the age of 10 because of "her obsession with Anne of Green Gables" - awww, how sweet! Kanye West is trending at # 6 because he is being sued for allegedly "sampling" the songs of the "late songwriter David Pryor" - interesting. What does sampling mean anyway? Not that I wouldn't put anything past Kanye, mind you. Joel Osteen is trending at # 7 because somebody decided to play an "elaborate internet hoax" and claim that he is leaving the church - people, yesterday was the 8th, not the 1st of April! Plus, the bigger joke would be to claim that a group of about 5 thousand muslims made a pilgrimage to the WTC site and loudly proclaimed "The bastard sons of the hyenas who did this perverted our faith! Our hearts go out for the victims and their families!" Yea, that would be a nice hoax! Osteen leaving the church - pfffft! Beyonce's and Jay-Z's Cuban trip was fully licensed, you haters! Of course it was - they are the court musicians at the Court of Obama! A dude in Texas decided to move the wedding up a few months without telling his bride because he did not want to delay the nuptials any longer - that's love, guys! According to Hollywood Life, Kim Kardashian is lying about her July due date and may actually have a baby earlier - sign of relief! Could you imagine her and Kate giving birth in the same month?!! Bieber and Selena are both "hooking up" with other people, and "it may be time to say goodbye to Jelena" - so say it already, for pete's sake! And Kate Middleton agreed to become a godmother to a new cruise ship for the Princess Cruises called Royal Princess - another hint that she is having a daughter? Coffee this morning in my Get a Grip mug - the first picture that is staring at me tells me that paradise is a state of mind - amen to that!

TRIP TO TARGET

Tonight I finally made it to my all time favorite non-food store – Target. Here are some interesting vignettes from my trip:

1. If you start mentally adding the value of items already in your shopping cart, you will end up leaving the store with 5 bags instead of 10.

2. I am totally justified in never, never, ever picking up the item from the top of the pile, as observed and smelled 3 barbarians trying (and not buying) a whole bunch of air fresheners.

3. Was hoping against hope to get some snazzy flippies – and, as always, was disappointed. Not only are all of their flip-flops expensive, but they either are completely flat or too high. Also, they were having a silly sale ridiculously called “ladies love flip-flops”, where they discounted every pair of those by 99 cents – give me a break, Target!

4. And, finally, a sign of old age – you are beating yourself up for not getting a set of kitchen towels you admired for about half a year (and now they are gone). Kitchen towels, for pete's sake!

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 25

Good (almost) morning, peeps! Happy Monday! Happy Erev Pesach! Snow on Erev Pesach - Phil, be very happy that I am not allowed to own Smith and Wesson! Sniffles worked as a mashgiach yesterday, making sure everything was done according to the strictest rules; George joined him later. Also, this morning I was entertained in the laundromat by a fight between American-born and imported barbarians - I delight, I am telling you, sheer delight! I will dispense with my usual news report today as, honestly, have no time to check everything. But it had come to my attention that people are using wrong ingredients for this holiday - people, be very careful and please keep track! Coffee this morning in disposable cup from local DD.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! I actually did not feel like getting out of bed this morning because I was cold - but Phil's latest excuse is that if we relied on the predictions of a groundhog, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Where is that Ohio DA again? George kept coming to snuggle last night, and this morning Sniffles jumped on my desk; I picked him up in order to put him down, and he hugged me instead, so we spent about 3 minutes snuggling as well. There are plenty of worthy news this morning, but I will be brief (for obvious reasons): Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, TMZ had learned - gosh, what a surprise! Fergie covers her baby bump "in kooky patterns" - yea, good luck to this kid. Kim Kardashian's pregnancy might be ruining her hair - that one I did not hear yet. Bieber thanked his fans via twitter after Kids Choice Award, and Selena Gomez was seen hugging his friend during the ceremony - listen, moron journalists, they broke up! So, let them hug and kiss whatever moron or moronette they want! Kate, meanwhile, was out and about, proudly showing off her bump, so, the people in the know decided to compare her style to that of Diana and Fergie - um, cretins, that's like 30 years apart, and styles changed! She also seems to still favor hills - good luck to her! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 22

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat Hagadol! Hopefully, we are still alive - and will remain so till Monday night! The weather is effin cold - well, now there are rumors that Phil is apologizing and saying that he was wrong. Not only this, one prosecutor in Ohio indicted him for fraud. No more personal grooming from George. Sniffles decided to explore plastic bags - hurray for Baby Bro who performed a Heimlich maneuver on him! Yoko Ono is also campaigning against gun violence by showing the world John's bloody glasses - lady, the modern medicine presents a whole array of medications for your craziness. "Christina Aguilera debuts fresh-faced make-over"; her weigh loss is also currently trending at #6 and #9 - maybe I am old, but she still looks butt-ugly to me, and the weight-loss was probably from her grey matter. There is also a list of 10 ugliest cars of all time - the dude who compiled the list obviously never visited step-mama country, otherwise his list would look quite differently. Then there is a list of 10 most overpaid jobs in the US - the coward who printed it only listed jobs in private sector, omitting politicians and government employees. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg claims that she is very good at push ups - good going Ruth! Now, how about actually reading the Constitution? "China's glamours first lady an instant hit" - definitely looks way above ours; but, then, our feline companions in the litter box look classier than parteigenosse Michelle. Lindsay Lohan will shoot an episode of Charlie Sheen's Anger Management before going to rehab - oh, the unending mine of crazy comments! Justin Bieber is snowboarding in the Swiss Alps - speaking of which: this morning Baby Bro and I had one of our light philosophical discussions, during which he pointed out that even manure has following. To which I said "just like Bieber"; and he replied "which example do you think would be more offensive?" And latest on Kate: she was camping with the Boy Scouts and cooking sausages over the open fire; it was snowing, but she bundled up in $500 boots, $50 jeans, and "shapeless green jacket". Coffee this morning in my huge Winnie the Pooh mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 21

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is once again, well, not spring-y, and there were rumors flying yesterday that Phil committed suicide. The crazy upstairs is still quiet - hurray for meds! (Or did someone sneak in and break her vacuum cleaner again?) Last night George decided to snuggle in with me, which resulted in 2 nice scratches on my arm - Baby Bro claims that it was his attempt at mutual grooming, a sign of love in the cat world. Sniffles is still avoiding the top of the fridge for now and is looking for alternative spots to warm up and meditate. Our Pathetic Excuse of a President arrived in Israel yesterday and began his tour in a limo that broke down in the middle of the road - my sources claim that Israeli TV is having a field day; well, couldn't happen to a nicer person. And Dennis Rodman, our recent ambassador of peace to North Korea, appeared on Leno Tuesday night wearing light blue training pants, t-shirt, and ladies black jacket with pink flowers and pink faux fur trim - don't blame me, I am just a messenger. Kardashian Baby is currently trending at #5 - his daddy Kanye decided on a name North, so the future kid, which, buy some reports is a girl, would be named North West. At #6 - Seth MacFarlane splits with his girlfriend. Was his hosting of the Oscars that bad that she decided to call it quits? A cop in Michigan got a shock of his life when he opened the trunk of a car and the deer jumped out of it; the driver said he thought the deer was dead, and he was taking it home to feed his family. Good going, deer! Bradley Cooper, "the sexiest man alive", was photographed with pink curlers in his hair - please insert your own pithy comment here. Drake Bell (whoever the dickens he is) "dissed" Bieber on Twitter; Bieber did not respond, but his fans did, proving once again that our concerns for the future generations are well-founded. In the Kate news: "The mama-to-be was spotted browsing the Séraphine maternity brand Wednesday evening at Peter Jones department store in London." According to the sources, she liked a plain, but elegant black dress which retails for only 55 bucks - capitalism rocks! Also, people are "excited to hear she may soon start showing more" - which line I will shove down the throat of the next person who would dare to tell me that I don't have a life. No coffee this morning as roommate forgot to buy milk - DD in the not too distant future.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy First Day of Spring! I think Phil got scared a bit, and the weather improved - well, at least it's sunny. The crazy upstairs is quiet again for the second day - I think the medication is working. Georgie is slumbering in the cat house - gorgeous ginger sphinx. Sniffles got me a bit worried yesterday as he appeared to be under the weather - upon which he decided to prove me wrong by running around the apartment for the next 2 hours like a demented stag, and this morning created an almighty stir in the kitchen by dropping the hot water urn from the top of the fridge (no urns, cats, humans, or fridge magnets were hurt). My personal fave: the "assault weapons" ban failed - eat that, Feinstein! This morning the public was offered to see Lindsay Lohan's mugshot #6 - thanks, but no thanks. The lawsuit against Dr. Oz is trending at #3 right now: the good doctor is being sued by "a New Jersey man who claims that an insomnia cure promoted on The Dr. Oz Show resulted in third-degree burns on his feet" - and here I thought all the fatsos finally organized and sued his butt off for calling us the biggest threat to US national security. At #5: "The state Department of Natural Resources will shot down one of Wisconsin's nude beaches on weekdays to reduce illicit activities taking place on the sandbar and in nearby woods" - duh!! What do you expect next to a nude beach - evangelical choir practices? And at #1: "Ashley Judd Wows in Teal Dress at Olympus Has Fallen Premier" - earth-shattering indeed to deserve the first spot! The new Pope likes informality: so when he made his first call to Vatican, the receptionist thought it was a prank and answered something to the tune of "yes, and I am Napoleon"; I sort of feel sorry for the dude (the receptionist, not the Pope). Interesting news from Greece (no, not the austerity or banking collapse): one of their islands brews some kind of special coffee that promotes longevity. I don't care about any kind of methods, special or otherwise: cook the brew and pass it around - it might even protect us from Obamacare. Tina Fey decided to make fun of Sarah Palin once again - what's wrong, Tina? EW did not mention you for the last month or two? 30 Rock ended? What exactly prompted this need to once again revive your career by making fun of somebody smarter and better than you? And this just in: "Justin Bieber vs. Selena Gomez: Fans Takes Sides After 'Letterman' Diss"! And once again: they deserved each other and their idiotic fans. We, on the other hand, do not deserve such huge bunch of moronic teenagers. The latest from Kardashians: "Whoa! Look How Big Kid Kardashian's Baby Bump Has Got This Week!" Once more, spare me! Kate Middleton's uncle Gary gave an interview to the Hello magazine, claiming, among other things, that when he first met William, he thought that Will and Kate would make a great couple - I guess the local Jewish chevra can persuade him to moonlight as a shadchan. His happily pregnant niece, meanwhile, took a short trip on the tube together with her grandma-in-law. Kate was also given a pin that says "Baby on Board", which, apparently, preggos are encouraged to wear on the tube so that the decent peeps will know for sure that the dudess is pregnant and not fat, and would give up their seat - nice thought, that. Wondering if it really works in London - a city overrun by barbarians as much as our fair city of New York. Coffee this morning in my huge Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 19

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is extra rainy and blah-y - Phil, you got till tomorrow (official first day of spring)! Both Feline Companions found new territory to explore and enjoy - Baby Bro's pants. Sniffles came to make nice this morning, while I was cooking breakfast, and decided to demonstrate his love by plopping on the floor and playing with my leg with his unsheathedclaws - thanks, kitty, I love you tons too! On the plus side - no new injuries upon awakening. Last month Scholastic commissioned new covers for special re-release of Harry Potter books in trade size pb - for whom, the movie fans? True Potter-maniacs do not need any illustrations - old idiotic ugly ones or new idiotic ugly ones. On the same topic: this November (just in time for my birthday) Princess Cruises is threatening to launch an HP themed cruise - friends and family, you got plenty of time to organize and collect. Of course, the hope is that whatever Muggle-hating curses afflicted the Carnival ships would not be used on the Princess ones - or we will have to call Arthur Weasley to the rescue. Currently trending at #6 - Keyshia slams Beyonce. Someone named Keyshia Cole (no ruddy idea who that is) apparently "slammed" Beyonce's new song on Twitter - geniuses in entertainment industry providing extra entertainment by using mind-boggling modern technology to have public cat fights. Lindsay Lohan "avoids jail again", but is sentenced to 90 days of locked rehab - this was hot last night, but not trending this morning. Bananas, passion fruit tea, hummus, dates, chinese food, and cherries are supposed to make you fall asleep easier - or you can substitute all this with a nice glass of chardonnay. New Pope "officially begins his papacy", tours the packed streets in the open jeep, tells people that church's mission is to defend the poor and disadvantaged - all this sounds eerie familiar somehow. Selena Gomez appeared on Letterman in "post-breakup" outfit and "made jab at Bieber" - Selena, with all due respect, you and your former beau deserved each other on so many levels! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 18

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is wintry once again - Punxsutawney Phil, you better hide from my wrath! Sniffles came to snuggle this morning, got bored, and decided to chew on the blanket - continuing from where he left off last time. This morning both of them were laying in wait by the time I got out of the bathroom - an interesting pyramid of fluff and expectant yellow eyes. It took me a little while to figure out that they wanted to be fed. Speaking of which, oh Beloved Pets - why do I have fresh scratches on my left shoulder? Signs of love? "Daniel Radcliffe's image as Harry Potter is fading" - well, fans have short attention spans. Plus, to me he never looked like Harry - sue me! The rumors about Emma Watson starring in 50 Shades of Grey made another round (I guess people have nothing better to do) - which interesting fact is currently trending at #6. She squashed those pesky rumors once again - but not to preserve her "wholesome image", because her latest movie, The Bling Ring, is anything but wholesome. In the History Channel's miniseries The Bible the Devil bears a striking resemblance to Comrade Hussein - too much honor (to Hussein, not the Devil). In the news of fashion: Khloe Kardashian had a "wardrobe snafu" - her dress ripped right before the opening of the X-Factor. Jessica Biel, Jennifer Hudson, and J. Lo all wore the same "nude" dress - not at the same time, though. Ladies, please fire your wardrobe designers, assistants, or whoever - that dress looks like somebody stole granny's lace tablecloth and draped it over your unmentionables. Kim Kardashian also wore lace - black maternity dress, which produced mixed reactions in me as well. David Hasselhoff is currently trending at #10 - he was protesting the removal of the last of the Berlin wall (some enterprising souls actually want to build apartments there). Dude, you are a moron! People have short memories, and whenever that wall will be in the museum, or remain where it stands - they will still hate Americans, won't remember how precious freedom is, or who Ronald Reagan was. So, chill and let the builders build. On the Kate front: her hill got stuck in the grate during the St. Patrick's Day parade - said news currently trending at # 9, I kid you not! Also, she claimed she has no idea whom she is having, but is hoping for a boy - while Will would like a girl. Well, that's unusual, in my experience - usually during the first pregnancy the mother wants a girl, and the father wants a boy - and only after the baby's arrival do they change their minds. Also, "The pregnant Duchess is craving 'chocolate, biscuits and cake'", and the proud parents to be call their baby "Our Little Grape" -aw! That one I never heard before. And, finally, in the Bieber news - he is loving Paris, toured the Eiffel Tower with a bunch of "friends", and "had his arm around this cute girl" - I guess his "bad stretch" is over. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug - hello, LA, the capital of fruits and nuts!

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 17

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! The weather seems to be OK for mid-March - debating the flippies, though. The crazy upstairs is up and about again - and her vacuum was making extra scary noises today. Today is St. Patrick's day - the very thought of which makes some of my learned brothers and sisters very unhappy. Relax, people - live and let live! If a bunch of people wants to wear, eat, and drink green, get roaring drunk and have some fun - let them enjoy themselves! And speaking of St. Patrick - if he was able to drive the snakes out of Ireland, could he accomplish the same here and drive out dirty politicians, Obamas, Democrats, liberals, muslims, envirowacos, illegals, barbarians, 98% of the members of the press, union bosses, university professors, and the rest of that unholy cabal? Please?!! Miley Cyrus is currently trending at #4 because she got a new tat - "anatomical heart". Next time I paint my nails deep green would I make the same waves - because tats really do not appeal to me. Then there is a dude in Alaska that collects icebergs - but the only reason he does it is to use the melded ice for his premium vodka! That's what I call dedication to your craft. The last on Bieber is his tangle with Lohan - I wonder who would come out the winner. Kate was criticized by some kind of posh designer for having too much clothes (which is not good for the environment) - um, moron woman - reality check! If people don't buy clothes, you are out of business, you huge dodo! Interdependently of this, the Duchess was spotted shopping for maternity wear and was observed schlepping a pair of jean in the store - aw! Coffee this morning in my Disney Dalmatian Spots mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 15

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather seems to be improving and warming up. The crazy upstairs acquitted herself handsomely today. The battle between my psychotic pets remains at the status quo at the moment. Chelsea Clinton is in the news because she and her hubby are moving to a nicer diggs: from a "measly" 4 mil apartment to a bigger one for 10.5 million. I guess it's nice to be the kids of slimeballs, traitors, and felons. Mila Kunis just started investing in stocks, which for her is a new trend - should I follow her example? And the decision to close White House tours is called "furor" by some enterprising journalist - dude, it's our house! We should be able to see it any time we darn well please! Another example of journalistic integrity: "Sen. Feinstein took a tea party partisan to task" - the said partisan also happens to be a senator, and more knowledgeable on the topic of Constitution, to boot. Padma Lakshmi is trending at #4 right now - because she "slammed" the boyfriend rumors and claimed to be single and free. Gee, so am I - Padma, you are in a good company. Britney Spears, on the other hand, is trending at #1 because it looks like she found a new boyfriend - singleton discrimination! In the news of fashion: Chloe Sevigny was wearing a "violin" dress, which got mixed reception, and Selena Gomez wore "red-hot" cut-out dress - in the same news, I need a new pair of flip-flops. In the Kate News: some people are sure that she is having a daughter that would be named Elizabeth Diana Carole. Also, Kate is currently trending at #5, because it looks like the demand for her nose sharply rose among American women - I think FDA should demand anti-psychotic medications to be added to all diet foods and supplements. And on the Bieber front: after his rant denying any drug use and accusing people of trying to portray him as another Lohan, he and Lohan "clashed", claiming to be completely different people, to which I agree - they belong in different psycho wards. Coffee this morning in my big Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 14

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is once again cold and yucky - but, thank Gd, it's not pouring rain. So, I think my flippies would rest today. George, after wrestling back the control of the cat house, decided to organize my desk by ruffling, scratching, and nibbling my papers. He is also playing my secretary by answering the phone - he nibbles on the base and then head-butts the receiver. Sniffles is still lording over the food bowl - George, your work is not done yet. Congratulations to Catholics everywhere - they finally have a new Pope! Still don't understand why the rest of the world was so bloody involved in it. The new Pope is the first "hispanic" - I guess Vatican decided to follow our august example and become pc trend-setters. He is also a first Jesuit to become a Pope - well, counter-reformation is not much of an issue anymore, although I keep thinking about the fate of a certain French writer whose books I enjoyed as a teenager. Big Bang Theory is trending at #1 right now - it looks like the cast was celebrating their success. Well, good luck to them. Amanda Bynes is trending at # 6 because she showed off her new cheek piercing - um, why is this news? Because she was not involved in a car crash, but merely self-mutilation? At #8 - Medieval knight was found underneath car park in Edinburgh - what is it with this island and burial places under garages? Hopefully, next they will unearth some more courage and national pride, throw out the muslims, and put the English flag over Heathrow once more - yea, a girl can dream. Our graceful and classy first lady is dancing all over the place, moving her feet, shaking her money-maker - you get the picture (don't curse me, I am just the messenger). All this to promote her exercise part of the Let's Move initiate - oh, parteigenosse Michelle! How did we manage to eat, move, breathe, live before your kind and gentle tutelage? Kate Middleton is preparing for the arrival of her baby by having yoga instructor visiting her once a week and ordering parenting books on Amazon - I wonder if she got What to Expect When You Are Expecting? And surprising twist in the Bieber news - Olivia Wilde is afraid that after Bieber's fans "dissed" him, her fans would do the same to her. Ah, the trials and tribulations of being an overpaid celebrity! Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 13

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is very nice for a NY March day - broke out the flippies yesterday. Georgie is lounging on my bed again. Earlier he made himself comfortable in the recycling box (as is his costume), and Sniffles decided to ambush him - old coot acquitted himself handsomely, and the young hooligan was forced to retreat. Yesterday's outing to Stop and Shop ended up without incident, and all the purchases safely reached my apartment. And here is what's trending at #1 right now: Miley Cyrus is "very, very much apart" from the love of her life (even though she got engaged to him earlier this year) - it looks like he did not like her new "wilder" look and also has been spotted with January Jones. Interesting way to cope, but than, I am not a dude. And at #8 - Elin Nordegren is rebounding with an older dude who is even richer than her ex - good for you, Elin! At #10 - Lamar and Khloe found "puppy love" - as in they got a new puppy. Well, as Kardashian news go, that's fine - because, again, nobody used 4-letter words and everyone remained dressed. And the Catholic faithful are waiting in vain for the second day - no new Pope yet. I feel for them, but fail to understand why is everyone else so interested in this. Supermodel and former Victoria's Secret "Angel" Karolina Kurkhova admitted that her belly button was always photo-shopped - Lord, give me patience! Belly button?!!! And then idiots wonder why girls have problems with their bodies, and guys have "slightly" unrealistic expectations. In the same vein: sushi is not as "healthy" as you think - which, once again, makes me repeat my favorite mantra: Enjoy food, because life is too effin short! Mark Kelly's monumental hypocrisy actually made headlines in the "regular news" - wow! And Lady Gaga is stepping out in style after her hip surgery: she got herself a costume-made wheelchair, which "features tufted calf leather, a removable leather canopy, and gold-plated wheels and hardware" - hum, interesting. New rumors about Kate: British papers claim that she is "at war" with Harry's new girlfriend Cressida Bonas, and that the rivalry is pretty long-standing and comes from the times when Kate was "competing" with Cressida's older sister for William's attention - historical fictions have nothing on real life, let me tell you! Also from the royal family - Prince Charles feels old while thinking about his future grand-kid - you are old, you bloody ass! And the British "boy band" One Direction (never heard of them before) sent their support to Bieber via Twitter, because they are amongst the few people in the world who understand his hardships - aw...where is the spittoon when one needs it?! Coffee this morning in my huge Pooh mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 12

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is rainy blah, but at least it's not cold. Happy Rosh Chodesh Nissan! Ladies, I would love to once again remind you that it's our holiday, so no hard work, but I know it would fall on death ears as we have (excluding Shabat itself) 10 days till Shabat HaGadol. So, please make sure your husbands give you extra special gifts today! To paraphrase Sheldon Cooper - DST, thou art a heartless bastard! Can't fall asleep at night, can't wake up in the morning, damn it! Speaking of mornings - today I awoke to the sight of George in the cat house (good for you, kittie!), and Sniffles on top of the entertainment center (for the first time), disdainfully looking down at me with his hutzbaniak yellow eyes. The crazy upstairs is at it again - I guess meds did not work. Guess what's trading at #1 right now? "Kourtney Kardashain cries." - yep, you read it right. She cried after Scott Disick (whoever that is) called her fat. At least he did not call her the biggest threat to our national security, a la Dr. Oz and parteigenosse Michelle. Speaking of which - still did not get a response from her re: my belated birthday bash and Bond performing there with Hayle. Ellen DeGeneres is trending at #8 right now because her show was renewed for another 3 years - yippee? Cardinals in Rome are preparing to elect another Pope - another yippee? Olivia Wilde "decided" to do a risque scene in her new movie - she was convinced that her character should go skinny-dipping. Oh, give me a break - artistic decision, my coccyx! Another important part of Hollywood history: Keither Sutherland used to be roommates with Robert Downey Jr., and Lindsay Lohan used to share a pad with Raven Simone - the tidbits of history so much more important to posess in your knowledge as opposed to the names of at least 4 signers of the Declaration of Independence. And Breaking News from Iran: "Image of Ahmadinejad consoling Chavez’s mother angers Iranian clerics"! "Ahmadinejad in photo scandal"! "Ahmadinejad in hot water over "sinful" photo"! - insert your own jokes and pithy comments here at your leisure. In Kate news: she and hubby are renovating a more private house in preparations for the baby's arrival. The twist? That's the same estate where Charles "conducted his affair" with Camilla! Honestly, in Will's place, I would get nauseated just thinking about it, not renovate it for the future kid! And, finally, in Bieber news: his manager claims that "there's nothing wrong with him"; Jada Pinkett Smith claims that media is bullying him; and, finally - drum roll please! - his mom wants to be the next "Bachelorette" - which, I think, explains a lot. Coffee this morning in my personalized mug from Hershey Park.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 11

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! Second day of @#$& DST! The weather is cloudy, but warm enough for flippies. The crazy upstairs is quiet again - did she start medicating? George officially welcomed me back! Last night he came up for his usual session of cuddling and blanket molestation; and now he is laying in my bed, hugging my book, and washing his paws. It also looks like he reclaimed the cat house! Sniffles is in his usual late morning routine - running around like nuts with the tale fluffed to 5 times its usual size. Interesting developments from the White House (as usual) - due to their "dog ate my homework" sequester excuse, Comrade Hussein cancelled the White House tours (even though they are stuffed by volunteers) - and, most importantly, not minding the fact that White House belongs to us and he and his lady fair are only renting it. Sara Palin offered to have bake sales around the country in order to keep the tours going, and added that she makes a "mean baked Alaska" - forget them, Sara, I want one! And, I am sure that the mere mention of the words "baked goodies" would twist parteigenosse Michelle's ugly new wig. Incidentally, she just announced plans for her upcoming birthday bash - so far Beyonce (no surprise) and Adele (barf) are going to sing at her special celebration. Hey, Michelle! I heard you love the little people so much - I didn't yet get a chance to celebrate my "special" birthday - because I knew I was about to loose my job. So, how about you through me a bash also? I would love Bond to perform - with Hayle, not the new girl, mind you! Currently trending at #8 - former Detroit mayor convicted on a bunch of charges, including corruption and fraud - which, unfortunately, would not help Detroit, but, hopefully, would teach people not to elect Democratic mayors - yea, I know, I can dream. Queen Bess, in "historic move", signed some kind of pro-homosexual piece of legislation - which once again shows that, by the time you are 86, it's way past time to quietly retire from public life. On the other hand, I see her dilemma - her son would be a bigger embarrassment at any age. As per her granddaughter-in-law - it looks, after all, that she did not reveal that she is having a girl, and she was blasted again by some kind of comedian for not having a "single opinion" -ah, leave the poor preggo alone, for effs sake! A new study also suggests that even mummies have clogged arteries, way before burger joints and smokes - people, rejoice! There are 4 more asteroids on the way to Earth - could one of them hit DC this time around?!! And, surprisingly, the first advantage of being single - you are more hire-worthy; well, news to me. Elle Macpherson if "off the market again" - she has just gotten engaged! And, finally, Justin Bieber "cancels Portugal show due to "unforeseen circumstances"! Coffee this morning in my green funky mug from Yves Rocher.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 10

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! The weather finally looks to be appropriate for a spring day - maybe I will resurrect my flippies. The crazy upstairs was quiet yesterday and today - did she finally learn to respect the sanctity of weekends? George seems to be slowly warming up to me after my long absence - and even came for his usual snuggle on Friday night. It also looks like he finally acquitted himself in battle - as Sniffles is sporting some kind or injury around his eye. Congratulations on the beginning of Daylight Savings Time! My complete sentiments on this atrocity are too long for fb post and filled with non-printable words. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news, currently trending at #6 - she has a choice between house arrest or going to trial and possibly ending up in jail. And at #8 - Lil' Kim sues her lawyer for 1 mil over "bad licencing agreement" - interesting world we live in. Abigail Breslin is "all grown up" (even though she is only 16); she showed up at the premier of her new movie sporting platinum hair and bare belly - um, nice. Also, some crazy dude tattooed "Netlfix" on his forearm and got himself a free subscription for a year - I wonder if he saved or lost money on this transaction. There is also a new list of 25 tips for better health. Among them: eat with your non-dominant hand, have your coffee right before your 20 minute power nap, switch salt and pepper in their shakers, sleep in your exercise clothing, order first from your group in a restaurant, switch latte for tea, have monochromatic table setting, and drink water first thing in the morning - um, don't forget your meds before writing an article and don't forget to live in general? British researches suggested that, according to their latest findings, Stonehendge was not just used for astronomy or druid worship - before that it was a communal burial ground. Gee, took you all this time? To me it always looked like humongous burial ground - but, then, I am not a professional historian or archaeologist. In the news of fashion: Carrie Underwood turns 30, so, time to discuss her "style evolution" - yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah...You want is summarized? She looks older, just as plastic-y, wears much more expensive ensembles, and also wears obscene amount of jewelry - the end. On the baby front: Holly Madison named her newborn Rainbow Aurora (I guess astronomy is not her strong suit). Aside from Kate, 15 more celebs are supposed to give birth this year - oh, boy. Speaking of Kate - during one of her latest "meet and greet" she was speaking with a bunch of cute kids, one of whom stuck his finger up his nose. And, finally "Justin Bieber Eager to Move On After 'Rough' Week", according to ABC - waiting for his better week with baited breath. Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug - speaking of which: Oh good and noble homosexuals of San Francisco! Could you please recall back "Botoxy the Clown" and send us someone new to entertain the public?

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 8

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! There is snow outside my window - it would have been yippee about a month ago; but now - not so much. George decided that after my long absence asking me for food does not make sense; for water - maybe, for food - nah. Sniffles felt lazy again this morning and did not come to snuggle, walk on my hair, or breathe in my ear. The crazy upstairs is very much alive and, to compensate, did 2 extra loud rounds yesterday. Today is International Women's Day, which a lot of people from my step-mama country still love to celebrate - because over there it was ladies's holiday with half-wilted flowers, husbands pretending to be good before getting roaring drunk, a pale semblance of what a Mother's Day is here, and so forth. As always, my policy is live and let live - there is nothing wrong in celebrating love :) But to me - just a reminder of the garbage my family escaped. On the side note - the lore has it that old commies, who, of course, counted Jew-faces amongst them in great numbers, declared the 8th of March International Women's Day during one of their earlier congresses because that year it corresponded with Purim - and, in their minds, the women's special attributes demonstrated by Esther. So, today's commies and socialists - chew on that one! And, yesterday, I assume in honor of White History Month, two nice, clean-cut African-American youths flicked matches at me on the deserted subway stairs and called me a bitch - repeatedly. As I did not even glance at them before, never mind anything else, I assumed it was their version of hug a white person (even though, strictly speaking, I am not white). And, now, in the most important news: Paris Jackson (daughter of the late Michael) became a cheerleader. In honor of that, the public was informed that Sandra Bullock, Hale Berry, and Rachael Ray were cheerleaders also - so, she is in good company, because Hale Berry capitalizes on the fact that she is "black" even though she was deserted by her black father and raised by her white mother, and Rachael Ray is constantly kissing up to parteigenosse Michelle. So, yes, waiting with baited breath for the great achievements of Paris. As mentioned before, Jennifer Aniston is getting married soon - so, in honor of that, we can review her "many past loves". Tabloids' version of bachelorette party? In sadder news (trending at #1) - Demi Moore filed for her divorce from Ashton Kutcher, and, because she feels "really hurt by him", she is demanding that he pay her alimony and settle her lawyers' fees. Demi, please - the bastard cheated on you, so, instead of showing the world how that hurt you, just devise a nice revenge. Although, wait, for these people money is almost as important as prestige and hordes of adoring fans - I take my words back! Take the bastard for all he's got! Joy Behar is leaving The View - the new perch from which she would preach her hatred towards America and American patriots is yet unclear. All quiet on the Kate front. And, lastly - the rumor was circulated yesterday that Bieber "collapsed" during his show. CNN faithfuls reported that he felt "woozy", was treated backstage, came out to finish the show, was taken to a hospital as a precaution, and released this morning - collective sigh of relieve! Come to think of it, I would like to ask our Canadian brothers: is it not enough to constantly unleash horrendous weather storms on us? Did you have to unleash Bieber on the world as well?! Coffee this morning in my big Disney Pooh and Friends mug.