ODE TO NEW YORK

ODE TO NEW YORK

Somebody close to me pointed out that some of my blog entries were pretty bitter. Upon reflection, I decided to consed to bitterness, but I stand 100% behind what I said and how I said it. Upon further reflection, I realized that some of the bitterness is the result of discussing things that are, well, disgusting. So, for a break, I will write about something I actually enjoy.

I love New York! Love the absolute craziness of living here; this city truly is the capital of the world! Not only could you get any kind of ethnic cuisine here, the pretty sure bet is that your food is actually prepared and served by an actual representative of the cuisine country! Love the fact that I can get a cup of coffee pretty much the whole night, while in Seattle, the supposed capital of swanky coffee, I couldn't get any after 9:00 pm. Love our bridges, where pedestrians could walk next to the trucks, and you could see the whole two states! Love our museums: not only what you could see in them, but the sheer variety of the museums themselves.

Adore the average New Yorker's definition of what constitutes a lawn and what constitutes a park! And speaking of parks, where else could you find the equivalent of our Central Park? Not in the quality of grass, fountains and trees; that you could find anywhere: better or worse, that is debatable. But where else could you find a park where you could get a portrait, a caricature, a face paint, a massage, and a crazy girl yelling next to a sign that reads: "Pay me to shut up"? And that is just within the first twenty steps away from the entrance! Then you get lawns for quite recreation, lawns on which you can't go, lawns for people with dogs, lawns for people without dogs, etc, etc... And then you get a little zoo, where for a very nominal fee the rich and famous living on Upper East Side and their slightly or not so slightly spoiled kids can smell the farm animals and get in line to feed them! And right across from that you get exhibit D, where a whole bunch of tourists nearly overturns a bench in their boundless excitement to see a Mama duck with her cute little ducklings. We have the whole two botanical gardens! The bigger one is in the Bronx, and is dubbed "New York Botanical Garden"; the smaller one is in Brooklyn and for some reason is called the "Brooklyn Botanical Garden"; why was the Bronx elevated, and my own poor borough stiffed is a mystery to everyone who ever tried to delve into that question.

Then, there is the subway!!!!!!!!!!! Where else do you get the state of the art subway cars with computer displays explaining the route and telling time running on the almost state of the art tracks full of trash and delicately smelling of public restroom? Of course, there are also platforms with the state of the art graffiti that the mean MTA is trying periodically to paint over. And the entertainment abundant both on the platforms and in the cars! Solo performers and bands of all imaginable and un-imaginable music (the best being the guy that plays on overturned trash cans), a guy that tangos with an inflatable doll, a guy with a whole chorus of dancing dolls, vendors and peddlers of various wares, dancers and jugglers, singers and preachers of the hellfire and brimstone variety!! I personally do not understand any visitor who came to experience New York and refuses to ride on the subway; after all, we, the natives, manage to accomplish so much while riding: reading, writing, drawing, homework, business transactions of all sorts, beautifying ourselves and consuming our daily meals. And by that I mean breakfast, lunch, and dinner complete with sushi, soup, and entries; coffee and pastry, or chips, are for wussies!

We also boast some of the best drivers in the world! Where else could you observe such truly Olympic competition for parking spots? And where else could you see a driver of an SUV maneuver on a narrow street between about six double-parked vehicles, a city bus, and at least fifteen jay-walkers, and still manage to reach the next intersection scant seconds before the light actually turns red?

Let us also not forget our noble pedestrians, especially in the Midtown Manhattan! They have to navigate between the tourists, vendors, rubber-neckers, people full of their own dignity, people offering every brochure under the sun, people with dogs, dog's poop, and all this while trying to break the speed barrier of the crowd, which usually goes against you, no matter your direction! Honorable mention to the above mentioned jay-walkers: after all, crossing the street at the actual intersection and on the green light is so dull and puts a stain on the honor of New Your and its inhabitants!

Where else could you find so many vendors selling "designer" bags and watches for the same amount of money they usually sell umbrellas during an unexpected rain? In what other city could you find dog spas, doll hospitals, and a store that sells church paraphernalia right on top of another store that sells lingerie? Where else could you see a dignified looking businessman going to a meeting in a bicycle-operated cab, because it is impossible to get a regular cab or ride in one due to a hopeless gridlock?

We are the shopping capital of the world, with the full compliment of designer stores, which happily exist a few blocks or a short subway ride away from all kind of bargain hunters' stores, like "All for 99 cents", etc. The tourists can be easily identified by the healthy array of Macy's bags (when all the decent locals know that Macy's has no sale at the time), plus a whole bunch of bags from FAO Shwarts, Disney Store, and the American Girl Experience. What normal New Yorker ever shops in Disney store?

We are home to world-famous Empire State Building, Chrysler Building, Times Square, Grand Central Station, and the Statue of Liberty. No normal, decent, self-respecting New Yorker would ever be caught touring these places; they are to be seen (or rather not seen) only in the course of a working day. So, here is another identifying mark of tourists: green Styrofoam crowns from the statue of liberty (never mind the ever-present camera). And speaking of cameras, I applaud the perseverance with which an average tourist is usually trying to immortalize our fair city. Of course, the best usually happens in Times Square; the Fifth Avenue running a close second. Imagine the courage of standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue,(during lunch hour, no less!), being constantly pushed and shoved by locals( who are always trying to cram three hours worth of errands into their lunch hour), and trying to snap the best shot of the significant other against some world-famous backdrop, like the doors to Saks. Tourists also have lively appreciation for the aspects of our beautiful city which we, jaded locals, just fail to see. A few months ago I saw a woman photographing sprinkler valves across the street from the Central Library. Speak of everyday beauty!

Our real estate prices are usually astronomical, especially if you consider the actual size of the space you are paying for. We also manage to live in some very interesting buildings and locales; some of the hippest apartments and restaurants are located in the converted storage spaces and warehouses, and some of the coolest neighbourhoods are abandoned industrial storage facilities!

And last, but not least, we are proud to host the second largest in the country (Los Angeles holds the winning spot) population of the certifiable nuts!

G-d bless my fair city and its quirky inhabitants! May He protect us from United Nations, The New York Times, Al Sharpton, Katha Pollitt, our own Department of Education, terrorists, and all other enemies, foreign, and especially domestic. May He always grant us Mayors ala Rudi and may our cops only be busy with jay-walkers and crazy drivers! May the students at Columbia, NYU and CUNY be blessed with normal professors! May we always have tourists to irritate us and spend money in our overpriced stores! May we always be the business capital of the world, so we could all have jobs and money to shop in our over-priced stores! May we soon rebuild the World Trade Center to ten times more its former glory! May American flags always fly over the Brooklyn Bridge, and may they be illuminated by myriad of fireworks every Fourth of July! Amen