MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 29

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather seems to be improving, although they threaten with rains on Sunday, and Phil was observed standing in the unemployment line. Sniffles continues to look for a new place to meditate, while George is still enjoying the liberated cat house. The crazy upstairs woke up again. Emma Watson's wax figure was recently unveiled at the Wax Museum - I wonder if they raised their prices because of it. QVC is running a special on the rip-offs of what Jackie Kennedy used to wear - well, as long as they are not running a special on what Michelle Obama used to wear...Lindsay Lohan tattoo is trending at # 5 right now, because we can finally know the secret of her double-triangle tat that was unveiled back in January in the court room - oh, saints preserve us! Sara Jessica Parker showed up at the Target's opening in Toronto in a blouse "reminiscent" of Carrie Bradshaw - because Gd forbid we forget who she is otherwise. A bear broke into a house in CA, "sampled some chinese food", stole a box of dog food for his friend outside, made a mess, and left - even as home invaders, four legged creatures are better than the two-legged ones. There are also rumors that Bieber adopted a monkey - poor animal (monkey, not Bieber). Kim Kardashain hid her bangs before appearing on Leno - um, why? No news on the Kate front. And, again, no coffee.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! I hope everyone had a great beginning of this wonderful holiday! The weather is still a bit schwach, but shows the signs of improving - at least we hope so. George and Sniffles both enjoy the cessation of strange banging, schlepping, moving around, and cleaning. Rob Kardashian is currently trending at #3 because he stole the memory card from the camera - he did not want the world to see him without his shirt as he gained weight. According to the TMZ report, he is not the only Kardashian dealing with weight issues - his sister Kim recently claimed that she did not gain as much baby weight as some reports claim, and his half-sister Kendall Jenner was recently called too skinny (which is currently trending at # 6) - boy, do these people have problems! Beyonce is trending at #4 because she twitter her support for homosexual marriage, along with other entertainment "royalty" - sheesh, what a surprise! If she twitted her support for the NRA, that would be news - but celebrities toeing the progressive party line are just boring. Kirsten Dunst claimed that kissing Brad Pitt was "disgusting" - agree with her on that one, although I suspect that Angelina and a gaggle of Pitt fans would vehemently disagree. Interesting tidbit from Disney animators: Arielle was drawn to resemble Alyssa Milano, and Alladin was supposed to look like Michael J. Fox, but then they decided to make him more "masculine" and added Tom Cruise's features - no wonder I never liked Alladin! Caroline Manzo, the "star" of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (no idea who she is, frankly, as I don't watch any kind of housewives), anyway, she said that Lindsay Lohan just needs a hug and a dose of tough love, and Bieber's mom should put him away from from social media and take him for a little RandR in his room. Speaking of Bieber - it looks like he took his shirt off in the Polish airport on Monday, and yesterday he visited his ex Selena Gomez before flying back to resume his tour. In short - modern medicine has plenty of remedies for whatever is ailing these two! In the news of hairdos: Sofia Vergara went back to her natural look, which is blond - don't really have an opinion one way or the other. And on the Kate front: HuffPo run a story about the designer who produced a dress in which Kate was seen with Will then they announced their engagement. Anyway, the designer was moaning and groaning, claiming that the popularity of that dress nearly "paralyzed her operation" - lady, if a celebrity is wearing your dress to a major occasion, be prepared to produce some more, for effs sake, and don't bitch and moan about it! No coffee today as no coffee maker for Pesach use.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 25

Good (almost) morning, peeps! Happy Monday! Happy Erev Pesach! Snow on Erev Pesach - Phil, be very happy that I am not allowed to own Smith and Wesson! Sniffles worked as a mashgiach yesterday, making sure everything was done according to the strictest rules; George joined him later. Also, this morning I was entertained in the laundromat by a fight between American-born and imported barbarians - I delight, I am telling you, sheer delight! I will dispense with my usual news report today as, honestly, have no time to check everything. But it had come to my attention that people are using wrong ingredients for this holiday - people, be very careful and please keep track! Coffee this morning in disposable cup from local DD.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! I actually did not feel like getting out of bed this morning because I was cold - but Phil's latest excuse is that if we relied on the predictions of a groundhog, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Where is that Ohio DA again? George kept coming to snuggle last night, and this morning Sniffles jumped on my desk; I picked him up in order to put him down, and he hugged me instead, so we spent about 3 minutes snuggling as well. There are plenty of worthy news this morning, but I will be brief (for obvious reasons): Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, TMZ had learned - gosh, what a surprise! Fergie covers her baby bump "in kooky patterns" - yea, good luck to this kid. Kim Kardashian's pregnancy might be ruining her hair - that one I did not hear yet. Bieber thanked his fans via twitter after Kids Choice Award, and Selena Gomez was seen hugging his friend during the ceremony - listen, moron journalists, they broke up! So, let them hug and kiss whatever moron or moronette they want! Kate, meanwhile, was out and about, proudly showing off her bump, so, the people in the know decided to compare her style to that of Diana and Fergie - um, cretins, that's like 30 years apart, and styles changed! She also seems to still favor hills - good luck to her! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 22

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat Hagadol! Hopefully, we are still alive - and will remain so till Monday night! The weather is effin cold - well, now there are rumors that Phil is apologizing and saying that he was wrong. Not only this, one prosecutor in Ohio indicted him for fraud. No more personal grooming from George. Sniffles decided to explore plastic bags - hurray for Baby Bro who performed a Heimlich maneuver on him! Yoko Ono is also campaigning against gun violence by showing the world John's bloody glasses - lady, the modern medicine presents a whole array of medications for your craziness. "Christina Aguilera debuts fresh-faced make-over"; her weigh loss is also currently trending at #6 and #9 - maybe I am old, but she still looks butt-ugly to me, and the weight-loss was probably from her grey matter. There is also a list of 10 ugliest cars of all time - the dude who compiled the list obviously never visited step-mama country, otherwise his list would look quite differently. Then there is a list of 10 most overpaid jobs in the US - the coward who printed it only listed jobs in private sector, omitting politicians and government employees. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg claims that she is very good at push ups - good going Ruth! Now, how about actually reading the Constitution? "China's glamours first lady an instant hit" - definitely looks way above ours; but, then, our feline companions in the litter box look classier than parteigenosse Michelle. Lindsay Lohan will shoot an episode of Charlie Sheen's Anger Management before going to rehab - oh, the unending mine of crazy comments! Justin Bieber is snowboarding in the Swiss Alps - speaking of which: this morning Baby Bro and I had one of our light philosophical discussions, during which he pointed out that even manure has following. To which I said "just like Bieber"; and he replied "which example do you think would be more offensive?" And latest on Kate: she was camping with the Boy Scouts and cooking sausages over the open fire; it was snowing, but she bundled up in $500 boots, $50 jeans, and "shapeless green jacket". Coffee this morning in my huge Winnie the Pooh mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 21

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is once again, well, not spring-y, and there were rumors flying yesterday that Phil committed suicide. The crazy upstairs is still quiet - hurray for meds! (Or did someone sneak in and break her vacuum cleaner again?) Last night George decided to snuggle in with me, which resulted in 2 nice scratches on my arm - Baby Bro claims that it was his attempt at mutual grooming, a sign of love in the cat world. Sniffles is still avoiding the top of the fridge for now and is looking for alternative spots to warm up and meditate. Our Pathetic Excuse of a President arrived in Israel yesterday and began his tour in a limo that broke down in the middle of the road - my sources claim that Israeli TV is having a field day; well, couldn't happen to a nicer person. And Dennis Rodman, our recent ambassador of peace to North Korea, appeared on Leno Tuesday night wearing light blue training pants, t-shirt, and ladies black jacket with pink flowers and pink faux fur trim - don't blame me, I am just a messenger. Kardashian Baby is currently trending at #5 - his daddy Kanye decided on a name North, so the future kid, which, buy some reports is a girl, would be named North West. At #6 - Seth MacFarlane splits with his girlfriend. Was his hosting of the Oscars that bad that she decided to call it quits? A cop in Michigan got a shock of his life when he opened the trunk of a car and the deer jumped out of it; the driver said he thought the deer was dead, and he was taking it home to feed his family. Good going, deer! Bradley Cooper, "the sexiest man alive", was photographed with pink curlers in his hair - please insert your own pithy comment here. Drake Bell (whoever the dickens he is) "dissed" Bieber on Twitter; Bieber did not respond, but his fans did, proving once again that our concerns for the future generations are well-founded. In the Kate news: "The mama-to-be was spotted browsing the Séraphine maternity brand Wednesday evening at Peter Jones department store in London." According to the sources, she liked a plain, but elegant black dress which retails for only 55 bucks - capitalism rocks! Also, people are "excited to hear she may soon start showing more" - which line I will shove down the throat of the next person who would dare to tell me that I don't have a life. No coffee this morning as roommate forgot to buy milk - DD in the not too distant future.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy First Day of Spring! I think Phil got scared a bit, and the weather improved - well, at least it's sunny. The crazy upstairs is quiet again for the second day - I think the medication is working. Georgie is slumbering in the cat house - gorgeous ginger sphinx. Sniffles got me a bit worried yesterday as he appeared to be under the weather - upon which he decided to prove me wrong by running around the apartment for the next 2 hours like a demented stag, and this morning created an almighty stir in the kitchen by dropping the hot water urn from the top of the fridge (no urns, cats, humans, or fridge magnets were hurt). My personal fave: the "assault weapons" ban failed - eat that, Feinstein! This morning the public was offered to see Lindsay Lohan's mugshot #6 - thanks, but no thanks. The lawsuit against Dr. Oz is trending at #3 right now: the good doctor is being sued by "a New Jersey man who claims that an insomnia cure promoted on The Dr. Oz Show resulted in third-degree burns on his feet" - and here I thought all the fatsos finally organized and sued his butt off for calling us the biggest threat to US national security. At #5: "The state Department of Natural Resources will shot down one of Wisconsin's nude beaches on weekdays to reduce illicit activities taking place on the sandbar and in nearby woods" - duh!! What do you expect next to a nude beach - evangelical choir practices? And at #1: "Ashley Judd Wows in Teal Dress at Olympus Has Fallen Premier" - earth-shattering indeed to deserve the first spot! The new Pope likes informality: so when he made his first call to Vatican, the receptionist thought it was a prank and answered something to the tune of "yes, and I am Napoleon"; I sort of feel sorry for the dude (the receptionist, not the Pope). Interesting news from Greece (no, not the austerity or banking collapse): one of their islands brews some kind of special coffee that promotes longevity. I don't care about any kind of methods, special or otherwise: cook the brew and pass it around - it might even protect us from Obamacare. Tina Fey decided to make fun of Sarah Palin once again - what's wrong, Tina? EW did not mention you for the last month or two? 30 Rock ended? What exactly prompted this need to once again revive your career by making fun of somebody smarter and better than you? And this just in: "Justin Bieber vs. Selena Gomez: Fans Takes Sides After 'Letterman' Diss"! And once again: they deserved each other and their idiotic fans. We, on the other hand, do not deserve such huge bunch of moronic teenagers. The latest from Kardashians: "Whoa! Look How Big Kid Kardashian's Baby Bump Has Got This Week!" Once more, spare me! Kate Middleton's uncle Gary gave an interview to the Hello magazine, claiming, among other things, that when he first met William, he thought that Will and Kate would make a great couple - I guess the local Jewish chevra can persuade him to moonlight as a shadchan. His happily pregnant niece, meanwhile, took a short trip on the tube together with her grandma-in-law. Kate was also given a pin that says "Baby on Board", which, apparently, preggos are encouraged to wear on the tube so that the decent peeps will know for sure that the dudess is pregnant and not fat, and would give up their seat - nice thought, that. Wondering if it really works in London - a city overrun by barbarians as much as our fair city of New York. Coffee this morning in my huge Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 19

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is extra rainy and blah-y - Phil, you got till tomorrow (official first day of spring)! Both Feline Companions found new territory to explore and enjoy - Baby Bro's pants. Sniffles came to make nice this morning, while I was cooking breakfast, and decided to demonstrate his love by plopping on the floor and playing with my leg with his unsheathedclaws - thanks, kitty, I love you tons too! On the plus side - no new injuries upon awakening. Last month Scholastic commissioned new covers for special re-release of Harry Potter books in trade size pb - for whom, the movie fans? True Potter-maniacs do not need any illustrations - old idiotic ugly ones or new idiotic ugly ones. On the same topic: this November (just in time for my birthday) Princess Cruises is threatening to launch an HP themed cruise - friends and family, you got plenty of time to organize and collect. Of course, the hope is that whatever Muggle-hating curses afflicted the Carnival ships would not be used on the Princess ones - or we will have to call Arthur Weasley to the rescue. Currently trending at #6 - Keyshia slams Beyonce. Someone named Keyshia Cole (no ruddy idea who that is) apparently "slammed" Beyonce's new song on Twitter - geniuses in entertainment industry providing extra entertainment by using mind-boggling modern technology to have public cat fights. Lindsay Lohan "avoids jail again", but is sentenced to 90 days of locked rehab - this was hot last night, but not trending this morning. Bananas, passion fruit tea, hummus, dates, chinese food, and cherries are supposed to make you fall asleep easier - or you can substitute all this with a nice glass of chardonnay. New Pope "officially begins his papacy", tours the packed streets in the open jeep, tells people that church's mission is to defend the poor and disadvantaged - all this sounds eerie familiar somehow. Selena Gomez appeared on Letterman in "post-breakup" outfit and "made jab at Bieber" - Selena, with all due respect, you and your former beau deserved each other on so many levels! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 18

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is wintry once again - Punxsutawney Phil, you better hide from my wrath! Sniffles came to snuggle this morning, got bored, and decided to chew on the blanket - continuing from where he left off last time. This morning both of them were laying in wait by the time I got out of the bathroom - an interesting pyramid of fluff and expectant yellow eyes. It took me a little while to figure out that they wanted to be fed. Speaking of which, oh Beloved Pets - why do I have fresh scratches on my left shoulder? Signs of love? "Daniel Radcliffe's image as Harry Potter is fading" - well, fans have short attention spans. Plus, to me he never looked like Harry - sue me! The rumors about Emma Watson starring in 50 Shades of Grey made another round (I guess people have nothing better to do) - which interesting fact is currently trending at #6. She squashed those pesky rumors once again - but not to preserve her "wholesome image", because her latest movie, The Bling Ring, is anything but wholesome. In the History Channel's miniseries The Bible the Devil bears a striking resemblance to Comrade Hussein - too much honor (to Hussein, not the Devil). In the news of fashion: Khloe Kardashian had a "wardrobe snafu" - her dress ripped right before the opening of the X-Factor. Jessica Biel, Jennifer Hudson, and J. Lo all wore the same "nude" dress - not at the same time, though. Ladies, please fire your wardrobe designers, assistants, or whoever - that dress looks like somebody stole granny's lace tablecloth and draped it over your unmentionables. Kim Kardashian also wore lace - black maternity dress, which produced mixed reactions in me as well. David Hasselhoff is currently trending at #10 - he was protesting the removal of the last of the Berlin wall (some enterprising souls actually want to build apartments there). Dude, you are a moron! People have short memories, and whenever that wall will be in the museum, or remain where it stands - they will still hate Americans, won't remember how precious freedom is, or who Ronald Reagan was. So, chill and let the builders build. On the Kate front: her hill got stuck in the grate during the St. Patrick's Day parade - said news currently trending at # 9, I kid you not! Also, she claimed she has no idea whom she is having, but is hoping for a boy - while Will would like a girl. Well, that's unusual, in my experience - usually during the first pregnancy the mother wants a girl, and the father wants a boy - and only after the baby's arrival do they change their minds. Also, "The pregnant Duchess is craving 'chocolate, biscuits and cake'", and the proud parents to be call their baby "Our Little Grape" -aw! That one I never heard before. And, finally, in the Bieber news - he is loving Paris, toured the Eiffel Tower with a bunch of "friends", and "had his arm around this cute girl" - I guess his "bad stretch" is over. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug - hello, LA, the capital of fruits and nuts!

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 17

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! The weather seems to be OK for mid-March - debating the flippies, though. The crazy upstairs is up and about again - and her vacuum was making extra scary noises today. Today is St. Patrick's day - the very thought of which makes some of my learned brothers and sisters very unhappy. Relax, people - live and let live! If a bunch of people wants to wear, eat, and drink green, get roaring drunk and have some fun - let them enjoy themselves! And speaking of St. Patrick - if he was able to drive the snakes out of Ireland, could he accomplish the same here and drive out dirty politicians, Obamas, Democrats, liberals, muslims, envirowacos, illegals, barbarians, 98% of the members of the press, union bosses, university professors, and the rest of that unholy cabal? Please?!! Miley Cyrus is currently trending at #4 because she got a new tat - "anatomical heart". Next time I paint my nails deep green would I make the same waves - because tats really do not appeal to me. Then there is a dude in Alaska that collects icebergs - but the only reason he does it is to use the melded ice for his premium vodka! That's what I call dedication to your craft. The last on Bieber is his tangle with Lohan - I wonder who would come out the winner. Kate was criticized by some kind of posh designer for having too much clothes (which is not good for the environment) - um, moron woman - reality check! If people don't buy clothes, you are out of business, you huge dodo! Interdependently of this, the Duchess was spotted shopping for maternity wear and was observed schlepping a pair of jean in the store - aw! Coffee this morning in my Disney Dalmatian Spots mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 15

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather seems to be improving and warming up. The crazy upstairs acquitted herself handsomely today. The battle between my psychotic pets remains at the status quo at the moment. Chelsea Clinton is in the news because she and her hubby are moving to a nicer diggs: from a "measly" 4 mil apartment to a bigger one for 10.5 million. I guess it's nice to be the kids of slimeballs, traitors, and felons. Mila Kunis just started investing in stocks, which for her is a new trend - should I follow her example? And the decision to close White House tours is called "furor" by some enterprising journalist - dude, it's our house! We should be able to see it any time we darn well please! Another example of journalistic integrity: "Sen. Feinstein took a tea party partisan to task" - the said partisan also happens to be a senator, and more knowledgeable on the topic of Constitution, to boot. Padma Lakshmi is trending at #4 right now - because she "slammed" the boyfriend rumors and claimed to be single and free. Gee, so am I - Padma, you are in a good company. Britney Spears, on the other hand, is trending at #1 because it looks like she found a new boyfriend - singleton discrimination! In the news of fashion: Chloe Sevigny was wearing a "violin" dress, which got mixed reception, and Selena Gomez wore "red-hot" cut-out dress - in the same news, I need a new pair of flip-flops. In the Kate News: some people are sure that she is having a daughter that would be named Elizabeth Diana Carole. Also, Kate is currently trending at #5, because it looks like the demand for her nose sharply rose among American women - I think FDA should demand anti-psychotic medications to be added to all diet foods and supplements. And on the Bieber front: after his rant denying any drug use and accusing people of trying to portray him as another Lohan, he and Lohan "clashed", claiming to be completely different people, to which I agree - they belong in different psycho wards. Coffee this morning in my big Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 14

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is once again cold and yucky - but, thank Gd, it's not pouring rain. So, I think my flippies would rest today. George, after wrestling back the control of the cat house, decided to organize my desk by ruffling, scratching, and nibbling my papers. He is also playing my secretary by answering the phone - he nibbles on the base and then head-butts the receiver. Sniffles is still lording over the food bowl - George, your work is not done yet. Congratulations to Catholics everywhere - they finally have a new Pope! Still don't understand why the rest of the world was so bloody involved in it. The new Pope is the first "hispanic" - I guess Vatican decided to follow our august example and become pc trend-setters. He is also a first Jesuit to become a Pope - well, counter-reformation is not much of an issue anymore, although I keep thinking about the fate of a certain French writer whose books I enjoyed as a teenager. Big Bang Theory is trending at #1 right now - it looks like the cast was celebrating their success. Well, good luck to them. Amanda Bynes is trending at # 6 because she showed off her new cheek piercing - um, why is this news? Because she was not involved in a car crash, but merely self-mutilation? At #8 - Medieval knight was found underneath car park in Edinburgh - what is it with this island and burial places under garages? Hopefully, next they will unearth some more courage and national pride, throw out the muslims, and put the English flag over Heathrow once more - yea, a girl can dream. Our graceful and classy first lady is dancing all over the place, moving her feet, shaking her money-maker - you get the picture (don't curse me, I am just the messenger). All this to promote her exercise part of the Let's Move initiate - oh, parteigenosse Michelle! How did we manage to eat, move, breathe, live before your kind and gentle tutelage? Kate Middleton is preparing for the arrival of her baby by having yoga instructor visiting her once a week and ordering parenting books on Amazon - I wonder if she got What to Expect When You Are Expecting? And surprising twist in the Bieber news - Olivia Wilde is afraid that after Bieber's fans "dissed" him, her fans would do the same to her. Ah, the trials and tribulations of being an overpaid celebrity! Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 13

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is very nice for a NY March day - broke out the flippies yesterday. Georgie is lounging on my bed again. Earlier he made himself comfortable in the recycling box (as is his costume), and Sniffles decided to ambush him - old coot acquitted himself handsomely, and the young hooligan was forced to retreat. Yesterday's outing to Stop and Shop ended up without incident, and all the purchases safely reached my apartment. And here is what's trending at #1 right now: Miley Cyrus is "very, very much apart" from the love of her life (even though she got engaged to him earlier this year) - it looks like he did not like her new "wilder" look and also has been spotted with January Jones. Interesting way to cope, but than, I am not a dude. And at #8 - Elin Nordegren is rebounding with an older dude who is even richer than her ex - good for you, Elin! At #10 - Lamar and Khloe found "puppy love" - as in they got a new puppy. Well, as Kardashian news go, that's fine - because, again, nobody used 4-letter words and everyone remained dressed. And the Catholic faithful are waiting in vain for the second day - no new Pope yet. I feel for them, but fail to understand why is everyone else so interested in this. Supermodel and former Victoria's Secret "Angel" Karolina Kurkhova admitted that her belly button was always photo-shopped - Lord, give me patience! Belly button?!!! And then idiots wonder why girls have problems with their bodies, and guys have "slightly" unrealistic expectations. In the same vein: sushi is not as "healthy" as you think - which, once again, makes me repeat my favorite mantra: Enjoy food, because life is too effin short! Mark Kelly's monumental hypocrisy actually made headlines in the "regular news" - wow! And Lady Gaga is stepping out in style after her hip surgery: she got herself a costume-made wheelchair, which "features tufted calf leather, a removable leather canopy, and gold-plated wheels and hardware" - hum, interesting. New rumors about Kate: British papers claim that she is "at war" with Harry's new girlfriend Cressida Bonas, and that the rivalry is pretty long-standing and comes from the times when Kate was "competing" with Cressida's older sister for William's attention - historical fictions have nothing on real life, let me tell you! Also from the royal family - Prince Charles feels old while thinking about his future grand-kid - you are old, you bloody ass! And the British "boy band" One Direction (never heard of them before) sent their support to Bieber via Twitter, because they are amongst the few people in the world who understand his hardships - aw...where is the spittoon when one needs it?! Coffee this morning in my huge Pooh mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 12

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is rainy blah, but at least it's not cold. Happy Rosh Chodesh Nissan! Ladies, I would love to once again remind you that it's our holiday, so no hard work, but I know it would fall on death ears as we have (excluding Shabat itself) 10 days till Shabat HaGadol. So, please make sure your husbands give you extra special gifts today! To paraphrase Sheldon Cooper - DST, thou art a heartless bastard! Can't fall asleep at night, can't wake up in the morning, damn it! Speaking of mornings - today I awoke to the sight of George in the cat house (good for you, kittie!), and Sniffles on top of the entertainment center (for the first time), disdainfully looking down at me with his hutzbaniak yellow eyes. The crazy upstairs is at it again - I guess meds did not work. Guess what's trading at #1 right now? "Kourtney Kardashain cries." - yep, you read it right. She cried after Scott Disick (whoever that is) called her fat. At least he did not call her the biggest threat to our national security, a la Dr. Oz and parteigenosse Michelle. Speaking of which - still did not get a response from her re: my belated birthday bash and Bond performing there with Hayle. Ellen DeGeneres is trending at #8 right now because her show was renewed for another 3 years - yippee? Cardinals in Rome are preparing to elect another Pope - another yippee? Olivia Wilde "decided" to do a risque scene in her new movie - she was convinced that her character should go skinny-dipping. Oh, give me a break - artistic decision, my coccyx! Another important part of Hollywood history: Keither Sutherland used to be roommates with Robert Downey Jr., and Lindsay Lohan used to share a pad with Raven Simone - the tidbits of history so much more important to posess in your knowledge as opposed to the names of at least 4 signers of the Declaration of Independence. And Breaking News from Iran: "Image of Ahmadinejad consoling Chavez’s mother angers Iranian clerics"! "Ahmadinejad in photo scandal"! "Ahmadinejad in hot water over "sinful" photo"! - insert your own jokes and pithy comments here at your leisure. In Kate news: she and hubby are renovating a more private house in preparations for the baby's arrival. The twist? That's the same estate where Charles "conducted his affair" with Camilla! Honestly, in Will's place, I would get nauseated just thinking about it, not renovate it for the future kid! And, finally, in Bieber news: his manager claims that "there's nothing wrong with him"; Jada Pinkett Smith claims that media is bullying him; and, finally - drum roll please! - his mom wants to be the next "Bachelorette" - which, I think, explains a lot. Coffee this morning in my personalized mug from Hershey Park.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 11

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! Second day of @#$& DST! The weather is cloudy, but warm enough for flippies. The crazy upstairs is quiet again - did she start medicating? George officially welcomed me back! Last night he came up for his usual session of cuddling and blanket molestation; and now he is laying in my bed, hugging my book, and washing his paws. It also looks like he reclaimed the cat house! Sniffles is in his usual late morning routine - running around like nuts with the tale fluffed to 5 times its usual size. Interesting developments from the White House (as usual) - due to their "dog ate my homework" sequester excuse, Comrade Hussein cancelled the White House tours (even though they are stuffed by volunteers) - and, most importantly, not minding the fact that White House belongs to us and he and his lady fair are only renting it. Sara Palin offered to have bake sales around the country in order to keep the tours going, and added that she makes a "mean baked Alaska" - forget them, Sara, I want one! And, I am sure that the mere mention of the words "baked goodies" would twist parteigenosse Michelle's ugly new wig. Incidentally, she just announced plans for her upcoming birthday bash - so far Beyonce (no surprise) and Adele (barf) are going to sing at her special celebration. Hey, Michelle! I heard you love the little people so much - I didn't yet get a chance to celebrate my "special" birthday - because I knew I was about to loose my job. So, how about you through me a bash also? I would love Bond to perform - with Hayle, not the new girl, mind you! Currently trending at #8 - former Detroit mayor convicted on a bunch of charges, including corruption and fraud - which, unfortunately, would not help Detroit, but, hopefully, would teach people not to elect Democratic mayors - yea, I know, I can dream. Queen Bess, in "historic move", signed some kind of pro-homosexual piece of legislation - which once again shows that, by the time you are 86, it's way past time to quietly retire from public life. On the other hand, I see her dilemma - her son would be a bigger embarrassment at any age. As per her granddaughter-in-law - it looks, after all, that she did not reveal that she is having a girl, and she was blasted again by some kind of comedian for not having a "single opinion" -ah, leave the poor preggo alone, for effs sake! A new study also suggests that even mummies have clogged arteries, way before burger joints and smokes - people, rejoice! There are 4 more asteroids on the way to Earth - could one of them hit DC this time around?!! And, surprisingly, the first advantage of being single - you are more hire-worthy; well, news to me. Elle Macpherson if "off the market again" - she has just gotten engaged! And, finally, Justin Bieber "cancels Portugal show due to "unforeseen circumstances"! Coffee this morning in my green funky mug from Yves Rocher.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 10

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! The weather finally looks to be appropriate for a spring day - maybe I will resurrect my flippies. The crazy upstairs was quiet yesterday and today - did she finally learn to respect the sanctity of weekends? George seems to be slowly warming up to me after my long absence - and even came for his usual snuggle on Friday night. It also looks like he finally acquitted himself in battle - as Sniffles is sporting some kind or injury around his eye. Congratulations on the beginning of Daylight Savings Time! My complete sentiments on this atrocity are too long for fb post and filled with non-printable words. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news, currently trending at #6 - she has a choice between house arrest or going to trial and possibly ending up in jail. And at #8 - Lil' Kim sues her lawyer for 1 mil over "bad licencing agreement" - interesting world we live in. Abigail Breslin is "all grown up" (even though she is only 16); she showed up at the premier of her new movie sporting platinum hair and bare belly - um, nice. Also, some crazy dude tattooed "Netlfix" on his forearm and got himself a free subscription for a year - I wonder if he saved or lost money on this transaction. There is also a new list of 25 tips for better health. Among them: eat with your non-dominant hand, have your coffee right before your 20 minute power nap, switch salt and pepper in their shakers, sleep in your exercise clothing, order first from your group in a restaurant, switch latte for tea, have monochromatic table setting, and drink water first thing in the morning - um, don't forget your meds before writing an article and don't forget to live in general? British researches suggested that, according to their latest findings, Stonehendge was not just used for astronomy or druid worship - before that it was a communal burial ground. Gee, took you all this time? To me it always looked like humongous burial ground - but, then, I am not a professional historian or archaeologist. In the news of fashion: Carrie Underwood turns 30, so, time to discuss her "style evolution" - yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah...You want is summarized? She looks older, just as plastic-y, wears much more expensive ensembles, and also wears obscene amount of jewelry - the end. On the baby front: Holly Madison named her newborn Rainbow Aurora (I guess astronomy is not her strong suit). Aside from Kate, 15 more celebs are supposed to give birth this year - oh, boy. Speaking of Kate - during one of her latest "meet and greet" she was speaking with a bunch of cute kids, one of whom stuck his finger up his nose. And, finally "Justin Bieber Eager to Move On After 'Rough' Week", according to ABC - waiting for his better week with baited breath. Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug - speaking of which: Oh good and noble homosexuals of San Francisco! Could you please recall back "Botoxy the Clown" and send us someone new to entertain the public?

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 8

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! There is snow outside my window - it would have been yippee about a month ago; but now - not so much. George decided that after my long absence asking me for food does not make sense; for water - maybe, for food - nah. Sniffles felt lazy again this morning and did not come to snuggle, walk on my hair, or breathe in my ear. The crazy upstairs is very much alive and, to compensate, did 2 extra loud rounds yesterday. Today is International Women's Day, which a lot of people from my step-mama country still love to celebrate - because over there it was ladies's holiday with half-wilted flowers, husbands pretending to be good before getting roaring drunk, a pale semblance of what a Mother's Day is here, and so forth. As always, my policy is live and let live - there is nothing wrong in celebrating love :) But to me - just a reminder of the garbage my family escaped. On the side note - the lore has it that old commies, who, of course, counted Jew-faces amongst them in great numbers, declared the 8th of March International Women's Day during one of their earlier congresses because that year it corresponded with Purim - and, in their minds, the women's special attributes demonstrated by Esther. So, today's commies and socialists - chew on that one! And, yesterday, I assume in honor of White History Month, two nice, clean-cut African-American youths flicked matches at me on the deserted subway stairs and called me a bitch - repeatedly. As I did not even glance at them before, never mind anything else, I assumed it was their version of hug a white person (even though, strictly speaking, I am not white). And, now, in the most important news: Paris Jackson (daughter of the late Michael) became a cheerleader. In honor of that, the public was informed that Sandra Bullock, Hale Berry, and Rachael Ray were cheerleaders also - so, she is in good company, because Hale Berry capitalizes on the fact that she is "black" even though she was deserted by her black father and raised by her white mother, and Rachael Ray is constantly kissing up to parteigenosse Michelle. So, yes, waiting with baited breath for the great achievements of Paris. As mentioned before, Jennifer Aniston is getting married soon - so, in honor of that, we can review her "many past loves". Tabloids' version of bachelorette party? In sadder news (trending at #1) - Demi Moore filed for her divorce from Ashton Kutcher, and, because she feels "really hurt by him", she is demanding that he pay her alimony and settle her lawyers' fees. Demi, please - the bastard cheated on you, so, instead of showing the world how that hurt you, just devise a nice revenge. Although, wait, for these people money is almost as important as prestige and hordes of adoring fans - I take my words back! Take the bastard for all he's got! Joy Behar is leaving The View - the new perch from which she would preach her hatred towards America and American patriots is yet unclear. All quiet on the Kate front. And, lastly - the rumor was circulated yesterday that Bieber "collapsed" during his show. CNN faithfuls reported that he felt "woozy", was treated backstage, came out to finish the show, was taken to a hospital as a precaution, and released this morning - collective sigh of relieve! Come to think of it, I would like to ask our Canadian brothers: is it not enough to constantly unleash horrendous weather storms on us? Did you have to unleash Bieber on the world as well?! Coffee this morning in my big Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 7

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is yuck and blah once again - well, February extended itself once again. Speaking of months, have to remember to claim my Godiva freeby for this month. George did something he did not do in a while - he came to snuggle and stayed on my bed! Am I forgiven for living him for so long - even though, strictly speaking, he is not mine? Sniffles came in much later, breathed in my ear a bit, this time did not step on my hair, and promptly left. Another celeb prego slips and reveals the sex of her baby - this time it was Jessica Simpson. But, unlike Kate, she flat out stated that she is having a son - well, we will just have to wait and see. Jake Gyllenhaal is trending at #6 right now, because it looks like he found love with SI model Emily DiDonato - I would like to say that they make a cute couple, but I never considered Jake handsome, or any SI model beautiful. That's what happens when you grow up admiring the art created by dead white males - you develop weird and non-trendy taste. And, unlike the other cute girl many years ago, Taylor Swift seems to have benefited by briefly dating a Kennedy - she bought an old estate in Hyannis Port last summer, and the estate turned out to be very profitable. Heck, at least she got something out of that cursed family! Snooki is trending at #5 because she lost 42 lb - I assume most of it was off her brain. Selena Gomez is trending at #7 - she "graces" the cover of the latest issue of the Harper's Bazaar, looks to be done with Bieber, talks about being optimistic and believing in love, etc - oh, for effs sake! What does a 20 year old spoiled brat know about life, love, or suffering? And speaking of her former love - Bieber seems to be having a bad week. First it was his "worst birthday ever", because some of his underage friends were not allowed to attend the club; then he was late for a concert, and then somebody snapped picture of him half naked. So, on Wednesday he "unleashed a Twitter tirade" - he seemed to be twittering for about half an hour and complaining, claiming that people are spreading lies and rumors about him in order to create news, and that he is a "good person". Finally, it looks like he claimed that as long as his family, friends, and fans are with him, he is fine and is going back to "that music". Justin, my heart bleeds borsch for your plight! And on the Kate front - bookmakers estimate that she will give birth on July 3. I am hoping for the 4th - just for the fun of it. Coffee this morning in my Disney Mini Bean Bag Plush mug with Mickey and Friends.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 6

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is blah again, and tonight it is supposed to snow, hell take it! Today I glanced at the calendar and realized that I did not claim my February freeby from Godiva - again, damn it! Today Sniffles decided to show his chutzpah and sat on my desk - smack dab on my laptop! The crazy upstairs is silent again. The left's war on women and their constitutional rights rages on - no peep from my learned and open-minded friends and acquaintances on the left and in the center. The Venezuelan Dictator, excuse me President, cocked his toes yesterday, assisted by (no doubt) oh-so-superior-to-ours socialized medicine in Cuba. It did not take long for his successor to accuse USA of killing their Dear Leader - as I said yesterday, I am only waiting for him to insert the Jews in the story somehow. Needless to say, Sean Penn and Oliver Stone are in mourning. Also, yesterday, while browsing on youtube, I accidentally came upon the trailer for the new movie called Olympus Fallen - where White House is taken by North Korean terrorists and Morgan Freeman plays the Speaker of the House in charge of the bad situation - news flash, Morgan! The White House is already occupied by a terrorist - the one you supported. And now, to more important stuff: Jessica Simpson recently admitted that her second pregnancy is very different from the first. She has no energy and her favorite snack is Tums; but her fiance still can't keep his hands off her - all of this breathtaking information is currently trending at #6, by the way. And at #8 - Holly Madison had a baby girl! Mazal Tov - and thank Gd it's now, and not in the summer! Speaking of summer babies - it looks like Kate mumbled something that might be interpreted as if she is having a girl - which got English public riled, exited, and overwhelmed to no end. In the news of fashion: Rihanna was modeling the jeans from her new collection with which some arbiters of fashion did not automatically fall in love - and this time I tend to agree with them. In the same column: Tina Fey was photographed in her one-piece retro polka dot bathing suit - which incident she described as a nightmare. Tina, my heart officially bleeds borsch for you. Also in fashion: Selena Gomez "vamps up" - which basically means that she decided to ditch her Disney image and dress "hotter". And speaking of her former boyfriend: Bieber will not be fined for showing 2 hours late to his concert. Would be interesting to see how ordinary people could pull this one off by showing two hours late for work and escaping with just an apology and no penalty of any kind. Coffee this morning in my Disney Mini Bean Plush mug with the 7 Dwarfs.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 5

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather promises to be the same as yesterday - chilly, but sunny. Sniffles was to lazy to come and snuggle while I was still in bed; he decided to stay in the cat house. George almost completely ignores me and spends most of his time with Baby Bro - to the tune of periodic Sheldon Cooper-esque "George, you are in my spot!" NRA and NASCAR are in the news together: Texas 500 is sponsored by the NRA and renamed NRA 500, which, according to the left media, is "insensitive" after Sandy Hook! Really? Yea, I guess it's as insensitive as NRA offering to coordinate the presence of professionally trained armed guards in schools - and, of course, way more insensitive than the liberals and anti-gun lobby using Sandy Hook tragedy for their unconstitutional agenda. Ye-ha, Texas! And speaking of guns - police dog in Massachusetts accidentally fired a gun while looking for it as part of the evidence buried in the snow; the gun, of course, was stolen a few months ago, and "no humans - or dogs - were hurt." Britney Spears' first, low-tech website from 1998, "resurfaced", so we can "one more time" see Britney with her pig tails - gosh, I am feeling old! Harrison Ford is trending at #8 because he is "coming back big way" by signing for Anchorman 2 - as I did not see the Anchorman 1, I, unlike liberals and homo soveticus, can't really offer my opinion on that one one way or the other. And Mel B, aka Melanie Brown, aka Scary Spice is trending at #9 now because she got booed yesterday in the Big Easy during the taping of America Got Talent - again, not being a fan of the Spice Girls or America Got Talent, my reception to the news is pareve at best. Robert Downey Jr.' biggest complaint about playing the Iron Man? Claustrophobia! Well, it appears that I am in A-list company. In the news of fashion: Kendall Jenner, Kardashians' step-sister and an up and coming star in her own right, wore the same black number as Jessica Biel. Well, in my opinion, the dress itself is ugly as hell, and the fact that Jenner wore it for a "photo shoot for the cover of Harper's Bazaar Arabia" is doubly barf-inducing. All quiet on the Kate front - I guess she is resting after the weekend wedding bash. And in the Justin Bieber news: yesterday he appeared 2 hours later for his concert, which "outraged" his fans - gee, I wonder why. According to CBS News, as of hour ago he apologized to them - aw.... Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 4

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather started on the cold side, but it's sunny and hopefully will warm up. George came to cuddle, but promptly left. Sniffles came to cuddle, woke me up, walked on my hair, plopped himself down on my pillow, licked my arm, and proceeded to purr - whoever thinks that cats are not good pets is seriously delusional! The crazy upstairs is once again quiet for the second day in a row, but the neighbour on the right decided to take up the mantel - there is some kind of serious thuds coming from her apartment. As mentioned yesterday, March is White History/Stop Blaming Whites Month. So, in honor of it, I decided to start putting on my wall one "whitie" achievement a day - yesterday was the printing press; I will see what I can put on today. Also, I think I should start posting some musical numbers - because even animals and psychiatric patients respond positively to classical music written by dead white males - but not so well to rap and/or African tribal drums. Rejoice, people, rejoice!!! Pregnant Kate Middleton is trending at 1!!!!! Over the weekend she, her hubs, and her bil traveled to Switzerland to attend the wedding of a "close friend of both princes" - nice. Also, for the extremely devoted, apparently there is a "The Royal Bump Blog, day by day" - wow! On a side note, I remember reading that after her wedding Kate would never be called Kate, but Princess Katherine - I guess nobody got the memo, because to the millions of her enthusiasts she is still Kate Middleton. Also, I never watch Downton Abbey and never go the fever - but it looks like some cast members are leaving - so, fans, tighten your seat belts! We don't know how their characters would exit the show! And Mazal Tov to Jamie Lynn Spears! Her "boyfriend of three years" proposed to her - let's hope her marriage would be happier than her older sister's. Forbes just published it's annual list of billionaires - they uncovered the "record" of 1426! They also have "first ever billionaires from Angola, Guernsey, Nepal, Swaziland and Vietnam" - I shudder to think how anyone can become a billionaire in Angola or Vietnam. And just in time for the billionaire list, Lamborghini came up a new supercar for a mere 4 mil - well played, Lamborghini, well played! Keith Olbermann is thinking of going back to his old job at ESPN - another reason to hate sports. Bieber is suspiciously silent again - another kidnap attempt or royal hangover from the birthday party? Coffee this morning in my strange looking green mug from Yves Rocher.

THE HEIRLOOM SWEATER

UPDATED

At the end of her first pregnancy my sister decided to slowly start getting baby clothes here and there – only exceptionally cute stuff, mind you. But since she decided not to find out whom she was having, all the deliciousness had to be neutral colors – or blue. Her reasoning? Baby girl in blue is cute; baby boy in pink – not so much. And so it happened that one of her purchases was a beautifully knit powder blue sweater from Osh Kosh.

Of course we know that in the end she had Golden Delicious, who, I might add, wore all those neutral and blue outfits (as well as the multitude of the pink ones) with panache. And, yes, the blue Osh Kosh sweater was put on her couple of days after she came home from the hospital for her first visit to the pediatrician – it was January in New York, and it was pretty nippy! The staff decided that Eh was a boy, and then asked if she inherited the blue sweater from her older brother – silly, silly people!

After the blue creation from Osh Kosh warmed Eh enough times, it was pressed into diligent and faithful service to MMM. And then, after she grew out of it, that piece of clothing was adorning the family Mickey Mouse, as well as other assorted dolls. And, finally, about 2 months ago, we put it on the news baby (who is also a girl)! It was still bright blue, beautiful, and warm. The only member of the family not to wear the heirloom piece of clothing? Yep, you guessed it – that would be Neffie Pooh! Even though, as a boy, he was sort of the most entitled to it, he was born in the early summer – and by the time it was cold enough for him to wear any kind of sweater, that particular one was too small for him.

And, that, my friends, is a cute story of the heirloom blue sweater beautifully knitted by Osh Kosh.

Update: Just saw another doll wearing The Sweater! The tradition continues!

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! The weather is a bit bla-y again, but not bad. Baby Bro resumed the grooming of George - the cat did not look so spiffy in a while! Sniffles decided to cuddle in the morning (did not even step on my hair), but after a bit of breathing in my ear tried to scratch me, and then proceeded to eat my blanket - yea, that cat is a riot! March is White History Month and also Stop Blaming Whites Month - wow! Trying to plow through all the whitie's achievements is going to be a daunting task! And, yes, they achieved all that during almost constant warfare - unlike African tribes, who only achieved cannibalism and slavery through theirs. Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe are both in the news due to their new projected roles: Radcliffe is going to play Igor in a new reboot of Frankenstein, and Watson is going to play Cinderella in another reboot of the fairy tale. My take: I don't care what they do, but as long as they keep their clothes on (for the sake of the youngsters who still watch those idiotic movies), and don't get into politics, they can play whatever or whoever they want. And - Mazal Tov - the wedding bells are definitely in the air for Jennifer Aniston! The upcoming wedding details "are slowly emerging" - well, whatever they will do, hopefully, she wan't get such raw deal in her second marriage as she did in her first. And it looks like USA has a new member of the diplomatic core - Dennis Rodman! It looks like he just returned from North Korea and brought a message to Hussein from Kim Jong Un! Kim wants Barry to call him! Gosh, could we please just send Rodman, Obamas, and all the defenders of communism and socialism straight to Kim - without any phone calls?!! I am sure he (Kim) can find all of them some useful occupation. Warning! There are untold dangers in microwavable popcorn - less, I am sure, than listening to any and all advice coming from all those studies, but what do I know. And guess what's trending right now at #10? Our dear Mayor Bloomberg was booed during St. Patti's parade at the Rockaways - and the dude looks mighty surprised, at that! And Rihanna explained her "controversial" gun tattoo in her recent interview to the British Elle - she got is shortly after her dear boyfriend beat her up, but in the end she does not feel like a victim! She feels strong and empowered! Yea, nothing says strong and empowered like going back to the dude who beat you up and made you get a "controversial" tat. Another preggo celeb is in the news - this time it's Kristen Bell. All she did to get in the news was to flash her pretty big baby bump - sheesh, the populace is so easily excitable! All the other famous preggers are mum for now. Ditto Bieber - I think he is getting over the hangover from his Birthday party. Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 1

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! Happy 1st of March! The weather outside is a bit bla, but not that bad. The crazy upstairs is quiet again - I think I really should call the police. The dreaded meteor recently missed DC - every time I gaze at the ugly mug of the beloved leader, I feel like saying "major, major bummer!" Prince William is trending at #3 right now: he rescued a couple from a Welsh mountain - good for him! However, there were no news on his wife's pregnancy. Right underneath the Prince, at #4, is Tiger Woods, because somebody got a shot of his bare feet - no joke, people! Then there is the list of unusual wedding dresses, like SJP's black one, or Liz Taylor's yellow. There was also some kind of bio-degradable dress made out of something horrible-sounding, and which you can dissolve in water after ceremony - I guess no heirloom keepsake for your daughter. There was also a dress that lights up when bride's heart starts palpitating, and, most importantly - there is a yearly contest for the wedding dresses made out of toilet paper! Last year's winner only took ten rolls - who said romance is dead?!! Happy Birthday to Bieber - who is turning 19 today! Wow! Of course, in honor of his birthday he stepped out in an outfit that somebody supposedly dared him to wear - yea, yea, yea. Americans' usage of coupons dropped last year, because they can't find coupons for the products they want - and here I thought it was because they simply had less money to spend on anything. Interesting prediction: if an American model graces the cover of SI swimsuit issue, we are going to have a bull market this year - wow, even for SI we need an American in order to have a good economic year; needless to say, we need an American in the White House as well. And, finally, a new study shows that pessimists live longer and healthier lives - another bummer. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.