MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is a bit on the chilly side for NY April, which reminds me - once again forgot to claim my godiva freeby for march, damn it! George decided to be my secretary for the duration of Yom Tov and tried to answer the house phone; Sniffles is enjoying his favorite warm pipe. Guess what's trending at #1 right now? Suri Cruise's haircut! It looks like she did what any normal kid would do: she cut her own bangs - and that, my friends, made the headlines! Emma Watson is still afraid of being typecast as Hermione (her newer, "edgier" roles note-withstanding), so, she decided to "grace" the GQ cover "channeling Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman" - typecast, schmypecast, how about a little self-respect? And (it goes without saying) our dear self-proclaimed defenders of our rights as women somehow are never bothered by this. Another guess (which came this morning in my e-mail box) - what was Hollywood's best kept secret? Again, you will never guess. It seems that for the last 7 years they were developing origami condoms - in the hopes that the improved model would encourage the use of this particular product. And a woman in California quit her "9 to 5 job" and became a professional mermaid - here is to following your dreams! Also, surprise of surprises: comrade Hussein has a "spiritual adviser" who recently described his (Hussein's) "daily christian walk" - heck, I need more than one spittoon as can never find one when I need it. "People who are in regular contact with" Bieber claim that he is acting out because of his heartbreak - um, dude, here is a hint: acting like a demented loon in need of psych meds usually guarantees that your lady fair will run in the opposite direction like crazy, not come back to you. Although we are speaking of Selena Gomez here, so, all bets are off. Khloe Kardashian's hubby was accused of running a fraudulent charity - well, at least he is not a Kardashian by birth, so, I guess, the family can still hold their heads high. And, finally, Kate is scheduled to "attend the National Review of Queen's Scouts at Windsor Castle" after which she will join her grandma-in-law for a birthday tea - the world is agog at the anticipation of her outfit for this occasion. Coffee this morning in my San Francisco latte mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! I hope everyone had a great beginning of this wonderful holiday! The weather is still a bit schwach, but shows the signs of improving - at least we hope so. George and Sniffles both enjoy the cessation of strange banging, schlepping, moving around, and cleaning. Rob Kardashian is currently trending at #3 because he stole the memory card from the camera - he did not want the world to see him without his shirt as he gained weight. According to the TMZ report, he is not the only Kardashian dealing with weight issues - his sister Kim recently claimed that she did not gain as much baby weight as some reports claim, and his half-sister Kendall Jenner was recently called too skinny (which is currently trending at # 6) - boy, do these people have problems! Beyonce is trending at #4 because she twitter her support for homosexual marriage, along with other entertainment "royalty" - sheesh, what a surprise! If she twitted her support for the NRA, that would be news - but celebrities toeing the progressive party line are just boring. Kirsten Dunst claimed that kissing Brad Pitt was "disgusting" - agree with her on that one, although I suspect that Angelina and a gaggle of Pitt fans would vehemently disagree. Interesting tidbit from Disney animators: Arielle was drawn to resemble Alyssa Milano, and Alladin was supposed to look like Michael J. Fox, but then they decided to make him more "masculine" and added Tom Cruise's features - no wonder I never liked Alladin! Caroline Manzo, the "star" of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (no idea who she is, frankly, as I don't watch any kind of housewives), anyway, she said that Lindsay Lohan just needs a hug and a dose of tough love, and Bieber's mom should put him away from from social media and take him for a little RandR in his room. Speaking of Bieber - it looks like he took his shirt off in the Polish airport on Monday, and yesterday he visited his ex Selena Gomez before flying back to resume his tour. In short - modern medicine has plenty of remedies for whatever is ailing these two! In the news of hairdos: Sofia Vergara went back to her natural look, which is blond - don't really have an opinion one way or the other. And on the Kate front: HuffPo run a story about the designer who produced a dress in which Kate was seen with Will then they announced their engagement. Anyway, the designer was moaning and groaning, claiming that the popularity of that dress nearly "paralyzed her operation" - lady, if a celebrity is wearing your dress to a major occasion, be prepared to produce some more, for effs sake, and don't bitch and moan about it! No coffee today as no coffee maker for Pesach use.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! I actually did not feel like getting out of bed this morning because I was cold - but Phil's latest excuse is that if we relied on the predictions of a groundhog, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Where is that Ohio DA again? George kept coming to snuggle last night, and this morning Sniffles jumped on my desk; I picked him up in order to put him down, and he hugged me instead, so we spent about 3 minutes snuggling as well. There are plenty of worthy news this morning, but I will be brief (for obvious reasons): Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, TMZ had learned - gosh, what a surprise! Fergie covers her baby bump "in kooky patterns" - yea, good luck to this kid. Kim Kardashian's pregnancy might be ruining her hair - that one I did not hear yet. Bieber thanked his fans via twitter after Kids Choice Award, and Selena Gomez was seen hugging his friend during the ceremony - listen, moron journalists, they broke up! So, let them hug and kiss whatever moron or moronette they want! Kate, meanwhile, was out and about, proudly showing off her bump, so, the people in the know decided to compare her style to that of Diana and Fergie - um, cretins, that's like 30 years apart, and styles changed! She also seems to still favor hills - good luck to her! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy First Day of Spring! I think Phil got scared a bit, and the weather improved - well, at least it's sunny. The crazy upstairs is quiet again for the second day - I think the medication is working. Georgie is slumbering in the cat house - gorgeous ginger sphinx. Sniffles got me a bit worried yesterday as he appeared to be under the weather - upon which he decided to prove me wrong by running around the apartment for the next 2 hours like a demented stag, and this morning created an almighty stir in the kitchen by dropping the hot water urn from the top of the fridge (no urns, cats, humans, or fridge magnets were hurt). My personal fave: the "assault weapons" ban failed - eat that, Feinstein! This morning the public was offered to see Lindsay Lohan's mugshot #6 - thanks, but no thanks. The lawsuit against Dr. Oz is trending at #3 right now: the good doctor is being sued by "a New Jersey man who claims that an insomnia cure promoted on The Dr. Oz Show resulted in third-degree burns on his feet" - and here I thought all the fatsos finally organized and sued his butt off for calling us the biggest threat to US national security. At #5: "The state Department of Natural Resources will shot down one of Wisconsin's nude beaches on weekdays to reduce illicit activities taking place on the sandbar and in nearby woods" - duh!! What do you expect next to a nude beach - evangelical choir practices? And at #1: "Ashley Judd Wows in Teal Dress at Olympus Has Fallen Premier" - earth-shattering indeed to deserve the first spot! The new Pope likes informality: so when he made his first call to Vatican, the receptionist thought it was a prank and answered something to the tune of "yes, and I am Napoleon"; I sort of feel sorry for the dude (the receptionist, not the Pope). Interesting news from Greece (no, not the austerity or banking collapse): one of their islands brews some kind of special coffee that promotes longevity. I don't care about any kind of methods, special or otherwise: cook the brew and pass it around - it might even protect us from Obamacare. Tina Fey decided to make fun of Sarah Palin once again - what's wrong, Tina? EW did not mention you for the last month or two? 30 Rock ended? What exactly prompted this need to once again revive your career by making fun of somebody smarter and better than you? And this just in: "Justin Bieber vs. Selena Gomez: Fans Takes Sides After 'Letterman' Diss"! And once again: they deserved each other and their idiotic fans. We, on the other hand, do not deserve such huge bunch of moronic teenagers. The latest from Kardashians: "Whoa! Look How Big Kid Kardashian's Baby Bump Has Got This Week!" Once more, spare me! Kate Middleton's uncle Gary gave an interview to the Hello magazine, claiming, among other things, that when he first met William, he thought that Will and Kate would make a great couple - I guess the local Jewish chevra can persuade him to moonlight as a shadchan. His happily pregnant niece, meanwhile, took a short trip on the tube together with her grandma-in-law. Kate was also given a pin that says "Baby on Board", which, apparently, preggos are encouraged to wear on the tube so that the decent peeps will know for sure that the dudess is pregnant and not fat, and would give up their seat - nice thought, that. Wondering if it really works in London - a city overrun by barbarians as much as our fair city of New York. Coffee this morning in my huge Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 19

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is extra rainy and blah-y - Phil, you got till tomorrow (official first day of spring)! Both Feline Companions found new territory to explore and enjoy - Baby Bro's pants. Sniffles came to make nice this morning, while I was cooking breakfast, and decided to demonstrate his love by plopping on the floor and playing with my leg with his unsheathedclaws - thanks, kitty, I love you tons too! On the plus side - no new injuries upon awakening. Last month Scholastic commissioned new covers for special re-release of Harry Potter books in trade size pb - for whom, the movie fans? True Potter-maniacs do not need any illustrations - old idiotic ugly ones or new idiotic ugly ones. On the same topic: this November (just in time for my birthday) Princess Cruises is threatening to launch an HP themed cruise - friends and family, you got plenty of time to organize and collect. Of course, the hope is that whatever Muggle-hating curses afflicted the Carnival ships would not be used on the Princess ones - or we will have to call Arthur Weasley to the rescue. Currently trending at #6 - Keyshia slams Beyonce. Someone named Keyshia Cole (no ruddy idea who that is) apparently "slammed" Beyonce's new song on Twitter - geniuses in entertainment industry providing extra entertainment by using mind-boggling modern technology to have public cat fights. Lindsay Lohan "avoids jail again", but is sentenced to 90 days of locked rehab - this was hot last night, but not trending this morning. Bananas, passion fruit tea, hummus, dates, chinese food, and cherries are supposed to make you fall asleep easier - or you can substitute all this with a nice glass of chardonnay. New Pope "officially begins his papacy", tours the packed streets in the open jeep, tells people that church's mission is to defend the poor and disadvantaged - all this sounds eerie familiar somehow. Selena Gomez appeared on Letterman in "post-breakup" outfit and "made jab at Bieber" - Selena, with all due respect, you and your former beau deserved each other on so many levels! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 15

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather seems to be improving and warming up. The crazy upstairs acquitted herself handsomely today. The battle between my psychotic pets remains at the status quo at the moment. Chelsea Clinton is in the news because she and her hubby are moving to a nicer diggs: from a "measly" 4 mil apartment to a bigger one for 10.5 million. I guess it's nice to be the kids of slimeballs, traitors, and felons. Mila Kunis just started investing in stocks, which for her is a new trend - should I follow her example? And the decision to close White House tours is called "furor" by some enterprising journalist - dude, it's our house! We should be able to see it any time we darn well please! Another example of journalistic integrity: "Sen. Feinstein took a tea party partisan to task" - the said partisan also happens to be a senator, and more knowledgeable on the topic of Constitution, to boot. Padma Lakshmi is trending at #4 right now - because she "slammed" the boyfriend rumors and claimed to be single and free. Gee, so am I - Padma, you are in a good company. Britney Spears, on the other hand, is trending at #1 because it looks like she found a new boyfriend - singleton discrimination! In the news of fashion: Chloe Sevigny was wearing a "violin" dress, which got mixed reception, and Selena Gomez wore "red-hot" cut-out dress - in the same news, I need a new pair of flip-flops. In the Kate News: some people are sure that she is having a daughter that would be named Elizabeth Diana Carole. Also, Kate is currently trending at #5, because it looks like the demand for her nose sharply rose among American women - I think FDA should demand anti-psychotic medications to be added to all diet foods and supplements. And on the Bieber front: after his rant denying any drug use and accusing people of trying to portray him as another Lohan, he and Lohan "clashed", claiming to be completely different people, to which I agree - they belong in different psycho wards. Coffee this morning in my big Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 7

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is yuck and blah once again - well, February extended itself once again. Speaking of months, have to remember to claim my Godiva freeby for this month. George did something he did not do in a while - he came to snuggle and stayed on my bed! Am I forgiven for living him for so long - even though, strictly speaking, he is not mine? Sniffles came in much later, breathed in my ear a bit, this time did not step on my hair, and promptly left. Another celeb prego slips and reveals the sex of her baby - this time it was Jessica Simpson. But, unlike Kate, she flat out stated that she is having a son - well, we will just have to wait and see. Jake Gyllenhaal is trending at #6 right now, because it looks like he found love with SI model Emily DiDonato - I would like to say that they make a cute couple, but I never considered Jake handsome, or any SI model beautiful. That's what happens when you grow up admiring the art created by dead white males - you develop weird and non-trendy taste. And, unlike the other cute girl many years ago, Taylor Swift seems to have benefited by briefly dating a Kennedy - she bought an old estate in Hyannis Port last summer, and the estate turned out to be very profitable. Heck, at least she got something out of that cursed family! Snooki is trending at #5 because she lost 42 lb - I assume most of it was off her brain. Selena Gomez is trending at #7 - she "graces" the cover of the latest issue of the Harper's Bazaar, looks to be done with Bieber, talks about being optimistic and believing in love, etc - oh, for effs sake! What does a 20 year old spoiled brat know about life, love, or suffering? And speaking of her former love - Bieber seems to be having a bad week. First it was his "worst birthday ever", because some of his underage friends were not allowed to attend the club; then he was late for a concert, and then somebody snapped picture of him half naked. So, on Wednesday he "unleashed a Twitter tirade" - he seemed to be twittering for about half an hour and complaining, claiming that people are spreading lies and rumors about him in order to create news, and that he is a "good person". Finally, it looks like he claimed that as long as his family, friends, and fans are with him, he is fine and is going back to "that music". Justin, my heart bleeds borsch for your plight! And on the Kate front - bookmakers estimate that she will give birth on July 3. I am hoping for the 4th - just for the fun of it. Coffee this morning in my Disney Mini Bean Bag Plush mug with Mickey and Friends.