TALIBAN Light

Or We Are in Great Company

One of my wittier friends periodically calls our religion “Taliban Light” – referring, among many things, to the deep misogyny pervasive in our circles. He does it mainly to irritate the logically challenged who are, alas, also pervasive in our circles. Unfortunately, it does not stop there.

I can not begin to tell you how many times I encountered a recurring theme of “if Jewish women were more serious about Tzniut, Mashiach will come tomorrow”, inevitably followed by a long discourses on hair coverings, importance of wigs, skirt lengths, stockings, necklines, nail polish, make up, gossip, loud laughter, career choices, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. As if, as my other friend pointed out with a nice snort, men are complete and total angels and do not need to change anything about them. I would just like to add to that a short memo to the distinguished male members of our community: “ If you are engaged in what is laughingly known as “chinuch”, please refrain from mental, physical, and sexual abuse of your students; if you would like to do something deemed inappropriate (like going to a peep show), please remove all signs identifying you as Jews; and please, for the love of all that’s holy, observe the basic rules of grooming and personal hygiene!”

The second memo is addressed to all the members of our community, male and female alike: please refresh your memories as to why, precisely, we are in this, the longest and the bloodiest, exile – it is not because of the modesty issues, my dear brothers and sisters. It is because of the baseless hatred of one another – a practice that is not only very much accepted, but encouraged by many of the “ultra” religious communities both in Israel and US. But, as usual, I digress.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago all the major internet sites were splashed with a headline quoting some “prominent” Iranian cleric. What got the poor guy’s turban in a knot? Apparently, Teheran is as prone to seismic activities as our great City of Angels. So, this religious luminary blamed women’s immodesty! It seems that it (immodesty) takes all men, especially the young ones, off the straight and narrow to the point of the earth literally trembling!

There is a great Russian word to describe these people - “mrakobesie”; the English equivalent of which I can not think of mainly because it is impossible to insult somebody in English the way you can do it in Russian; my learned friends are welcome to submit their suggestions.

I, however, rest my case.

LIBRARY TALES

Part 5

Today, despite the severely inclement weather (OK, torrential rain definitely qualifies as that in New York), I was determined to go out during my lunch break. Of course, I had to take into account the proximity of the destination; for which I had two choices - library of coffee shop. For reasons known only to The Creator, I decided on the first.

So, here I come, slightly resembling a drowned rat, holding my dripping Muggle umbrella in one hand and a book I wanted to return in the other. I approach The High Priestess, I mean the clerk, greet her, offer her my book and my apologies for it (the book) being slightly on the damp side. She Of The Supreme Power Does Not Great a Mere Mortal or Smile in Return. Instead, she looks at me with a straight face and intones the following: "Ma'am, I have to warn you, if you will bring books that are Too Wet, you will be charged for damaged books."

Yours truly, slightly taken aback by this display of Supreme Logic, automatically reaches for the self-defensive humor: "So, now I will be charged for the natural disasters and acts of G-d?"

The High Priestess, aka the clerk, does not appreciate or, for that matter, understand the mere mortal humor. She looks at me unblinkingly and repeats with the same intonations: "Well, Ma'am, I wanted to warn you that this time is OK, but next time you will be charged for a damaged book."

I just collected my receipt, thanked her (again with a smile), and departed for the reserve shelves. But here is my question: how did she know that I am a right wing Jew face? Because, let's face it, right wingers are always blamed for the results of the natural disasters, and Jews are always blamed for the results and for causing those disasters to begin with. Again, to quote Goshka, "Life!"

WEEKEND UPDATE

Editor's note: this post was originally slated to appear on May 18. Due to the circumstances beyond my control (as in I actually had to work) it appears today instead.

OK, here is another weekend update.

My weekend tale started Friday night at the house of the friend where I usually get into "discussions". This time she had over "family friends" whom I met before, and who got themselves imprinted on my memory due to the extreme chutzpah displayed by their "baby". Anyway, I was determined to keep my tongue firmly behind my teeth or occupied with food only.

That resolution lasted till the conversation topic veered in the general direction of education, at which point the matriarch of the family uttered the brilliant phrase about math not being necessary for the general education since "you hardly use it anyway"; and about two minutes later history was relegated to the same pile. At which point my tongue could not taste the soup in peace and decided to speak in defense of math (forget about history) to the tune of it being beneficial to the occasional exercise of your brains. Yea, right! That opinion, though seconded by our hostess, still remained in minority. Few minutes later Pater familias enquired about my present occupation; upon hearing that I work as an office manager in an architectural firm, his wife promptly proclaimed that that is the reason why I think math is necessary! I just clarified that my job is purely administrative, and has nothing to do with architecture, but that did not really deter her; few minutes later the conversation progressed to makeup. Oy, gevalt! Who was it that claimed that we are the smartest nation?

Next day, Mini Me was full of anticipation: she had a play date with one of her friends from playgroup. She was feeling very grown up, and even expressed the desire to have cholent (in her mind it was: have meal=eat cholent, then go to her friend). The let down came way before dessert: friend's father knocked on the door with the deflating news that the friend had fever, and could not possibly receive guests. Poor Mini Me! So, as a consolation, I offered her visit to George. The said invitation was graciously accepted, and Golden Delicious spent a part of the afternoon in my humble abode visiting with George and exploring the fascinating world of my strange possessions.

On Sunday, plans to have an outing on "chu chu train with single stroller" somehow ended up cancelled, partly due to the inclement weather, and partly due to Mini Not Me being extra cranky. So, both sets of delicious checks and their owners were packed up into the double stroller and we departed on an exciting expedition to a wonderful place called Dunkin Donuts.

On the way there we spotted a lot of trees, cars, beautiful flowers in different patterns, and different birdies. Once there, I was obliged to buy them their favorite donuts: chocolate frosted with sprinkles (blech). Mini Me, for reasons known only to her, decided that on that particular day she wanted pink, not chocolate, frosted with sprinkles; the arrival of a large group of new costumers deflected her from that particular thought, thank G-d.

Anyway, after about fifteen minutes at DD, the combined influences of consumed sugar and some forced inactivity on the way there produced extra lively behavior on the part of the Gnomes. Of course, the one person in the entire store to give them repeated dirty looks had to be another religious Jewish woman. What gives?

After exiting the store, I offered an excursion of the exiting South Brooklyn; which offer was met with very enthusiastic approval. So, up the Flatbush Avenue we went. On the way we saw couple of very "interesting" stores (oh, to be young again); one store, however, was interesting to me: it advertised itself as psychic shop, but was definitely a voodoo store. The stuff you find in your neighborhood!

Finally, we came to a big shiny store (known to adults at Target). Munchkins immediately spotted the soda fountain, so I had to deflect their attention somehow, and offered them iced tea. "Are you guys OK with one cup and two straws?" "Yes, Papi; yes, Papi; we want two cups and two straws." So, two cups it was. Of course, while I was waiting for them, Mini Not Me succumbed to Morpheus. Mini Me, after having two sips from her cup and observing for a bit through the floor to ceiling glass the fauna of the neighborhood, graciously agreed to take a tour of the store.

The said tour began with a "toilet that was flushing by itself!” Then we progressed to ladies accessories, where Golden Delicious had a blast trying on hats and sunglasses, and checking out handbags and wallets.

After a considerable chunk of time spent of those exercises, we went to the next level. There, Mini Me selected two sets of dishes (for her and her little brother), after which she had a great time trying on all different kinds of kid furniture for size. She even wanted to check out a dresser, at which point I had to disappoint her by pointing out that I cannot possibly plunk it down from the top shelf. She took it in stride, and decided to borrow my camera instead. Later, while I was reviewing the shots she took, I realized that she actually put some artistic thought into it. She took pictures of: her sleeping brother, her empty place in the stroller occupied by her set of dishes, the chair she was eyeing with intent to buy it with her brother's set of dishes in it, and Papi (the most flattering part of her).

During these activities Mini Not Me woke up. So, the final part of the tour was conducted for the benefit of both of the Gnomes, with the end purchase of: a Princess Coloring book with paints, Elmo sticker book, a cute set for baking cupcakes, and I honestly do not recall what else. Mini Not Me was not being extremely discriminating and basically expressed a desire to acquire about half of the toy department. Mini Me, on the other hand, had her heart set on a beautiful doll house, completed with dolls and furniture. I had to solemnly swear that as soon as I get a better paying job, I am coming back and buying her that doll house. She promptly agreed to that, and then refused to budge anyway. So, the cupcake set was actually her graciously accepted consolation prize.

After returning home, she proudly showed Mama all the purchases, after which she made her royal decision to dedicate the new dishes to "burgers and hot dogs" meals as opposed to "cheese" meals. And after that she proceeded to make cupcakes for all the known to her members of the family, present of absent.

NEWS (BREAKING AND OTHERWISE)

I love opening the Internet with my first cup of coffee and perusing the headlines offered by MSM or Yahoo. It is especially entertaining on Monday mornings. Yesterday was no exception.

For starters, some entity or other, very influential and informed, published a list of ten countries whose occupants were the happiest. Unsurprisingly, USA did not make the list.

Hum, let's see. The productive part of us works pretty hard (hardest in the world, by the way). After that, three branches of government confiscate a nice chunk of it (from 25% to infinity) in order to support their own bloated apparatuses, all manner of deadbeats (homegrown and imported), around twenty millions of illegals and their progeny, unwashed hippies masquerading as intellectuals and college professors, hardened criminals on death row who bleat to all and sundry about the social injustice done to them, blood-thirsty thugs from UN, and all kind of other assorted ungrateful swine on our soil and around the world. If we protest this highway robbery, we are locked up in the federal pen (together with the above-mentioned murderers). Lately, we also managed to accumulate enough psychos and idiots masquerading as registered voters to end up with the Executive and Legislative branches we have today. We are dubbed "The Great Satan" by the most blood-thirsty mass murderers alive today. Anything to smile about? For me personally, and I am sure for millions of my fellow Americans, the fact that we are Americans is in itself a blessing. With G-d's help and blessing, we will overcome the above-mentioned menace as well.

Another bit of news: Miss California may lose her crown due to (insert the list of assorted nonsense). The truth is: she dared to speak against one of liberals' holy cows; which opened a floodgate of the vicious attacks by those self-described defenders of human rights. Burt Prelutsky, being his usual blunt self, added a great vignette to this: she is white, blond and blue-eyed. If she was black, her statement would not have been such an issue. As of "press time", Donald, for whatever reasons, deemed Carrie Prejean worthy of her title. The said piece of news makes me rejoice to no end: not as a fan of Miss America pageant, but as an American citizen.

The other piece of news from last week was not breaking, judging by the way it was covered (or, rather, not covered) by the kissers of Obama's behind (otherwise known as the media). Somewhere in the depths of the State of Louisiana an American citizen was stopped on the road by the police and detained for half an hour on suspicion of being a right-wing extremist. His horrible crime? A pro-Constitutional bumper sticker, O Horror Of Horrors! The witch hunt is officially on!

Lastly, His Holiness decided to visit the Holy Land and utter His Esteemed Opinion to the tune of there would be no peace in the Middle East if we do not have a Palestinian State (on the land currently belonging to Israel, aka The Little Satan, of course).

Previously, I already offered my opinion in regards to the utter cowardice and stupidity displayed by the heads of the Catholic Church. Allow me to re-iterate some pertinent points. One: how about first you guys clean your own house, which at the present is infiltrated with homosexuals, pedophiles, and homosexual pedophiles. Two: show some self-respect. Half-Kenyan, half-Muslim bastard agrees to speak at Georgetown only after all the references to what you call The Son are covered, and you do not boo. Self-same bastard, who claims that is it above his pay grade to save unwanted children who miraculously survived abortion (and if I am not mistaken, abortion is a serious abomination in your estimation) is invited to speak at Notre Dame; your simple flock is protesting (vehemently); the heads of Notre Dame (and their superiors) do not boo. I am not even starting about the religion of peace, from whose members' behinds your heads are due to be extracted surgically. Three: if you attack fiction books, at least read them first: in my humble opinion the biggest threat to you comes not from Dan Brown, never mind Harry Potter. The biggest threat comes from Philip Pullman, and he himself was surprised at how little he was picked on. Finally, contaminate your souls a bit and read Harry Potter. It will teach you the beauty of standing up to your convictions no matter the personal cost, and the bravery and the purity of soul necessary in order to fight and defeat the True Evil.

SWINE UPDATE

Last Thursday morning, our office building super personally delivered very important memorandums to each and every tenant. The memorandums, of course, were in regards to the swine flu. Aside from the usual nonsense, theybasically copied and pasted the advice from the CDC website, which recommended the following:

Covering nose and mouth with a tissue when coughing and sneezing, and then discarding that tissue; thoroughly washing our hands with soap and water (alcohol also seems to be effective); trying to avoid contact with sick people; and (the gem) if you become sick, CDC recommends you to stay home.

Not to be outdone by these genius actions, that same afternoon our director of HR sent everyone the following e-mail:

"Everyone -- There has been much in the news this week about Swine Flu. Flu viruses spread through person-to-person or other close contact. It can take up to five to seven days to become sick after being exposed. We encourage everyone to take precautions and maintain good health habits.

If you are ill – flu or otherwise – we encourage you to stay home. We appreciate your wanting to come in to get work done. However, when you’re not feeling well, typically you don’t function at your best. Just as important, you increase the risk of spreading germs to others in the office.
Here is a link to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that offers tips on stopping the spread of germs at work: http://www.cdc.gov/germstopper/work.htm "

Now, here is my five cent question to all of this: we only get fifteen work days off for the entire year that includes vacation, sick leave, personal leave, mental health days, etc. So, who is going to compensate us for extra time off: benevolent Obama Administration?

And speaking of that magnificent entity (our government, that is), as this little piece "goes to print", there were no news, breaking or otherwise, about quarantine of anyone recently returned from Mexico, or, at least temporarily, curtailing communications with that extremely advanced country.

Brilliant!! Another job well done!!!

WEEKEND UPDATE

Here is my latest weekend update:

Friday night was spent in an almost pleasant company in my friend's house (the one where I usually end up "exchanging ideas"). Almost pleasant, because there was another space cadet from a very long line of space cadets present at the table.

The conversation was revolving around mutual friends and acquaintances (which gave me a peaceful munching time, since I could not care less about that), and then, out of the blue, the space cadet made a joke about a teleprompter, which had to be explained to the hostess. The rest, to use a cliché, is history.

I am not going to recall all the nonsense I was subjected to; I also decided not to "engage", since I am apparently just very entertaining, because I am "so passionate" about it. Basically, the idiotic conversation gave me another glimpse into the psychology of total obliviousness that plagues most of the American-born voters, even educated professionals capable of using their grey matter for tasks other than controlling the functions of the body below the neck.

Which brings me to a dismally rainy Sunday, on which I was hoping to take Mini Me to a long-overdue outing. Alas, that did not happen. I also had no motivation to get out of bed (sorry, sis). Basically, I arrived at Casa Del Munchkins in the afternoon. Inspiration struck on a whim, and I offered an outing to DD, which was met by an exuberant enthusiasm on the part of Her Royal Highness; His Royal Highness had to be coaxed a bit.

On the way there, we sang, observed busses and cars, and also commented on trees in strange colors (otherwise known as trees in bloom). Once inside DD, they were actually well-behaved angels about five minutes longer than originally anticipated (and despite being snubbed by another family with two kids). Each of them got their own serving of iced tea and two different kinds of donuts with sprinkles (from which basically only the frosting and sprinkles were eaten).

After a period of decent behavior, the joy of childhood (plus the consumed sugar) won over, and they proceed to show their extreme exuberance, which included laughing, running around, making faces into the windows, taking pictures of strangers - otherwise known as having plain, clean fun. After about ten minutes of this, they had to be evacuated and conveyed back to Casa Del Munchkins. On the way back, despite the rainy weather, they also managed to have fun, which included playing pick-a-boo through the plastic rain cover, kicking the same said cover, and tussling with each other. Oh, they joys of childhood!

Upon arrival, Mini Me organized a game of hide-and-seek. According to her rules, people hiding are told where to hide, which worked fine for Mini Not Me; in the case of Papi, they had to look for her long and hard, and she did not even have to use lots of imagination (just hide behind the same closet couple of times). Ah, the logic of toddlers!

After that, my sibling expressed a longing for a really creamy Mac-and-Cheese. After I volunteered to cook it, she confessed to locating a recipe and even boiling water (before succumbing to Morpheus). So, yours truly, with an enthusiastic assistance of Mini Me and under a watchful eye and periodic yells of neurotic brother-in-law, managed to concoct a very cheesy and somewhat creamy Mac-and-Cheese. Baby sister was in transports of delight, which in turn left yours truly delighted too.

After that is was bath time, when Her Royal Highness gave Her August Permission to be scrubbed by her humble servant at the accompaniment of our popular "scrubby" song.

Basically, another case of slight exhaustion with a warm fuzzy feeling inside; which, of course, brings us to Monday morning and closing the circle of stupidity that began Friday night.

The usual excitement associated with traveling on public transportation during a rainy Monday morning was compounded by strangely glaring looks of one of our recently promoted Senior Associates. On top of that, big boss decided to sort the mail during my unforgivable absence for a lunch break, which resulted in, among other things, longer process of sorting the invoices and his written instructions to yours truly on the fact that a particular piece of mail did not belong to our office (after he opened it).

Life!

ANOTHER WEEKEND UPDATE

Editor’s note: due to the circumstances beyond my control (situation continuing from last week), this entry goes to print today, as opposed to Monday morning.

First of all, my news summary for last week: my roomy and I adopted a cat named George, and I became an official card-carrying member of the NRA.

On Sunday I again had to honour of playing host to Mini Not Me, this time accompanied by his older sister. Of course, they really wanted to see George, and then my roommate; yours truly came in the un-illustrious last. Highlights of the visit included:

Mini Me enjoying my roomie's Wii; gosh, I feel old, since I do not even have an IPod, never played, never mind became addicted to, any kind of video games, and yet to figure out what exactly Wii is. Meanwhile, our three year old American Gnome is playing Wii. My only consolation is that she was most interested in the pink TV that comes with that Wii, since she is very much into the color pink right now.

George was alternatively hiding on the bookshelf, between the boxes, and in the closet. The theory is that he was really scared by a bunch of kids before, because he is really scared of our munchkins. But the overtures were made towards the tentative peace treaty, eventually resulting in George not running away from Mini Me and even allowing her to pet him a bit.

Mini Not Me discovered my jewelry pouch, which I was unsuccessfully looking for on Friday night and Shabat morning. My theory is that he hid it somewhere on his last visit, and re-discovered it yesterday.

Mini Me, on the other hand, was seen playing with my key ring, which at the press time is still missing in action.

Royal meals were carefully prepared by two chefs this time: yours truly and the person sharing my humble dwelling. Mini Not Me participated with his usual appreciation. Although he requested a cookie and refused to eat without it, it (the cookie) ended up being just a slightly licked accessory in his delicious little hand. Mini Me, on the other hand, was her usual finicky eater.

We watched more Elmo and Barney on YouTube; the royal permissions were alternating and not always in accord (if he wanted to watch Barney, she wanted Elmo, and vice versa).

I finally connected the dots: Mini Not Me goes around singing "yummy, yummy, yum", and I could not figure out what precisely was he singing. This Sunday finally clarified the issue: it is Elmo and The Singing Pizza.

There were many more delicious hugs and smiles.

Which, of course, brings me to Monday morning, which said morning conveniently forgot that is was the beginning of March, and gifted us with more snow, freezing temperatures and blistery winds. This fact prompted your humble servant to propose the following course of action: Al Gore, all the senior ranking members of IPCC, senior ranking members of the Weather Channel, Leo DiCaprio and his Hollywood chums, and the rest of this cabal (including our so-called President) are to be taken in their skivvies, or better yet, in their altogether, outside of the UN Building and stuck in the freshly fallen snow under a heavily armed guard. They should remain thusly till they admit to their continuous, blatant, and malevolent lies about the anthropogenic global warming. And please to not mention the Geneva accords to me: they are not the prisoners of war; we are.

ANOTHER STRANGE MEMORY

As a rule, I adore listening to the self-righteous prigs of any sex or denomination. They always provide me with unending entertainment and general wonderment.

A couple of weeks ago I was reading an article blasting the media; nothing new or objectionable in it, or even something I would have disagreed with, for that matter. But a phrase close to the end caught my attention; it was something along the lines of Jamie Lynn Spears choosing to have a child out of wedlock. Not that I am claiming that this young lady should be the role model for all our young ladies, but what gives? She choose to have sex out wedlock; once that resulted in pregnancy, obviously not planned or expected (we are talking about two dumb teenagers, after all), there was only one choice: the one that the author of that article and many of his like minded colleges spent their lives to oppose. So, again, what gives?

While I was pondering that strange composition, another, seemingly unrelated memory, popped into my mind. That went all the way to somewhere in 2001, back to when I was working for an organization peopled and run by the members of my own religious denomination. My department had the pleasant duty of covering the secondary reception desk, which everyone, aside from me, hated with passion. I, on the other hand, always welcomed the opportunity of basically reading for an hour on the company's clock. So, at one such reading break, another co-worker stopped by to chat; of course, the first question was about my reading material, which at that time was "Lord of the Rings". That, not surprisingly, led to questions about Harry Potter, which anyone who knows me will confirm as pretty dangerous to ask, since I tend to gush about it for about an hour. But since I was not in a mood to schmooze with her when I could read, I contained myself and just politely responded that I loved Harry Potter. To which she was compelled to reply that, although she herself did not read any of "Harry" books, she heard that they were objectionable due to the fact that the main personages from that series attend a "mixed" school where boys and girls are together during most of their days.

Stupidity by itself is very harmful; stupidity cloaked in religious observance - lethal.

DIFFERENT ISLAND

As mentioned many times before, I am a misanthrope, and getting more so with each passing day. There are many people whom I do like not by category; one of such categories is snobbery.

As you know, Bronx is the only borough of New York that is attached to the mainland; the rest are on the islands, most exiting of which is, of course, Manhattan, even though it is the smallest. Staten Island is another island, and both Queens and Brooklyn, my borough, are part of a bigger island called Long Island. For whatever unfathomable reason, the area know as Five Towns is also know as Long Island, even though it occupies only part of that island.

Now, this area is supposed to be "fancier" than Brooklyn or Queens, and people who live there usually proudly say that the live "on the Island". Yea, whatever. It was actually one of my former friends' idea to point out every single time this proud exclamation is made in our faces that Brooklyn is actually also "on the Island".

Few weeks ago one such opportunity presented itself, and, unfortunately, I could not help myself. My boss asked me for a set of tax documents, which in our office consists of W-4 for federal government bloodletting, IT-2104 for New York State leeches, and IT-2104.1 for the NYC draculas. He politely told me that I have given him the wrong forms, since he lives "on the different island". As I told you, I couldn't help myself, party because my boss belongs to a community for which "living on the Island" is the ultimate goal, and with other members of which I have already had similar tasty encounters. "You know, I live on the same island", was my very respectful reply (to his very big credit, he just smiled and told me that he will take care of it himself).

SUGGESTED IDEA

I have a little suggestion for Dan Brown's new book. I mean, I have a very good suggestion for an idea for his next book, with almost ironclad guarantee of him not being sued by the possessors of that idea. Where did I get it? Would you believe it if I tell you I got it from the attendant at my local laundromat?

For whatever reason, this guys always enjoys schmoozing with me (I mean the attendant, not Dan Brown); and, in the best traditions of people from the late unlamented Soviet Union, his favorite topics are politics and political figures. In the realm of these topics, this guy is also a veritable unending fountain of conspiracy theories. The most popular of these, that the attacks of September 11 were engineered by our own government in general, and the Bush Administration in particular, was, of course, old news to me. In the best tradition of my people (Jews), I tried engaging my friendly attendant in a logical argument substantiated with facts, but, obviously, to no avail. I already stopped, and he still tried to persuade me that he was right; whatever.

Now, on my last visit, he entertained me with two more theories, which were both pretty fresh and extremely amusing. Number one: whatever policies put in motion by Gorbachev and led to the eventual demise of the Soviet Union, were instituted by him deliberately, after he received secret pay offs and the firm promises of comfortable life from American "Secret Services". Number two: the recent horrible earthquake in China was not a natural phenomenon, but something deliberately set off by American "Secret Services" from space, via satellites and secret weapons, in response to China's recent economic growth and America's recent economic troubles. So, how about these two: "Murderers and Useful Idiots" and "The Code of Ming"?

HOW TO CHOSE YOUR BATTLES

As evidenced before, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. As such, I get periodic updates in one of my e-mail accounts every time words "Harry Potter" are mentioned in the news. Usually, these news are tripe, like what happened to the stock of WB or Scholastic, or what exactly Daniel Radcliffe or Emma Watson are up to. Sometimes I get really funny tidbits, like a girl in England who watched the fourth movie 111 times, or a confused fan in Seattle who was standing in line hoping to see the latest Harry Potter movie, when in fact the line was for the latest Star Wars. And sometimes those news are from the laughter through tears category.

So, around September of 2006, I got a news blurb that basically stated that Vatican's Chief Exorcist is apposed to Harry Potter books due to the fact that said books lure young minds into witchcraft. Now, that in itself would have been nothing: after all, he is a religious leader (although his title definitely made me chuckle), and has full right to express his opinion on the matters of the said religion. What really matters is the date, because around the same time the Pope ended up in now very famous (or infamous) soup by quoting Manuel II. You all remember the fracas that followed, culminating in repeated apologies by the Pope and faithful Muslims of Somali showing how wrong the Byzantine Emperor was by fatally shooting in the back the sixty five year old Sister Leonella Sgorbati.

Then, few months ago, there was another major news upheaval before the first movie based on "His Dark Materials" was released. Again, Catholics have full right to protest books written by a guy who portrays them in very negative light and fully admits that his mission in life is to "kill god", but when you take it in the full context of the current battles coming from and around Vatican, it only serves as the fodder for more ridicule.

Anybody with a modicum of education ( and I am sure that the current Pope and Chief Exorcists have more than that) would see that the worst threat to Western values, Western civilization, heck, Christianity itself, always originated in the Muslim world. That which defines the West and comprises the best of it: the value of human life, progress, freedom, self-determination , and even the economic structure - all that is absolutely abhorrent to Islam (no, I did not forget the Crusades). And what exactly did that long-dead Byzantine Emperor say that was not true?

This New Year's I was flipping through the channels while waiting to see the ball drop (I know, I know, I am not a credit to my Bais Yacov Alma mater), and I stumbled on the brief report from Vatican about how the Pope urges the whole world to try and live in peace. Forgive me, Your Holiness, but are you delusional or just stupid? People who truly want peace are under constant attack, and have no choice but to defend themselves; and in case that was a veiled reference to the so-called Middle East crisis, then may I humbly suggest that you go to the warm basement and stay there?

And guess what actually prompted me to write this? I hope you guessed it right: a couple of weeks ago I got another news flash to the tune that the Chief Exorcist again spoke very strongly against the Harry Potter books. May I just make one small suggestion to His Holiness and his Chief Exorcist? The proposition is very simple: at the horrible risk of contaminating their souls with witchcraft, can they still try and read Harry Potter? If the danger from all seven books is too great, can they at least concentrate on numbers five and seven? That, I hope, will teach them the true meaning of courage, humility, selflessness, self-sacrifice, courage of conviction, and the necessity of fighting true evil.

A LITTLE PS

MAZAL TOV, HARRY!

According to the "influential Iranian daily newspaper Kayhan" Harry Potter books are nothing more than Zionist ploy aimed at "disturbing young Muslim minds". So, Harry, and, by association, Joanne Rowling, Mazal Tov and welcome to the club!

OK, WHAT HAD SHE DONE NOW?

Part 2

The name of that edifying chapter was "J.K. Rowling, Dirty Harry Potter, and the Gobletygook of Gold". That alone basically tells us the gist of the story. Huberman starts by flirtatiously demurring: 'They said I was mad. Attack the Harry Potter books..?" Then he continues: "Why am I growling at Rowling? For starters, the sheer scale of her success is unforgivable.." Thanks for making it clear for us, dude.

Then he goes on to profess the desire to read a book, and not be "a part in a cult phenom", and "further confesses" the prejudice against "fantasy/sword-and-sorcery genres", compounding it by calling the Lord of the Rings "basically a comic book." For the record, oh educated genius, Bush-bashing is "a part of cult phenom" of the "educated" left, and the dude who wrote "basically a comic book" was a Professor of Anglo-Saxon literature at Oxford, never mind the fact that the descriptions of the battle scenes came from his personal experiences as a solder (but why bother with facts).

Then he boldly goes on to inform us exactly where J.K. got her ideas for Harry. The list ranges from Japanese comic book, loops to "Moses, Oedipus, and Hamlet but also Spiderman, Batman, and Superman", and somehow ends up with Star Wars. I think his (Huberman's that is) parents refused to buy him comics, and he developed an unnatural hate of comic heroes; plus, some hard-core Star Wars fans had probably beat him up but good one time: "Both Georges, Lucas and Bush, must be stopped!" Such sane guy! Of course, the best sentence is this: "Who here hasn't had it with Forces of fucking Good and Evil?" Sorry for the profanity; just wanted to give the direct quote.

He continues with some more murky analogies, then goes on to ask "how badly, really, do kids still need lessons in the toleration of diversity - the Potter books' principle claim to moral and social value?" Kids are stuffed with lessons of diversity ad nauseum, so that they definitely do not need; but that is by far not the principle lesson of these books.

Then Huberman goes on to accuse the books of being "packed with morals, character, and, if you scrape a bit, political lessons on which George Dumbledore Bush would gladly stamp his great seal of presidential approval"; then goes the whole discussion about Harry and his friends disregarding authority and fighting the Ministry of Magic that somehow translates into free enterprise initiative and Newt Gingrich. "In short", goes a wise conclusion, "if kids really need more role models for contempt toward rules and regs - and by extension, toward government, the Constitution, and international law - can't we just direct their attention to the Bush administration?" How is it that the story of a fifteen year old orphan courageously standing up to the corrupt and cowardly government, often at the big expense to himself, is not morally appropriate for the children? Never mind that that pronouncement is made by a talentless, green with jealousy writer, whose only claim to fame is speaking up against the government in the freest country of the world. How about he moves to China or North Korea and then starts moralizing and protecting human rights there?

Then Mr. Huberidiot goes on to pontificate that kids grow up "deeply literate" in mythologies", but ignorant of history, geography, science. Well, re-writing of history and teaching deliberate historical lies has been one of the main mission statements of his left "intellectual" friends. As for teaching of science, and not just Darwinism, that was attempted by the Kansas State Board of Education, which this hypocrite also included in this volume of America's "screwers".

Then he progresses to compare the world of Harry Potter with popular TV, lists all the movies and popular TV shows dealing with magic and supernatural, which he hates for whatever reason. Then goes the quote belonging to "TV critic Lee Siegel" : "So, ...thanks a lot, Al Qaeda...We now share with Islamic fanatics an all-consuming desire to escape into fantastical imaginings of the Beyond". On behalf of my fellow Americans, thanks a heap, guys! What Islamic "warriors" have is not fantastical imaginings, it is "absurdly childish masturbatory fantasy" about 72 virgins (Yashiko Sagamori, 2004, "De Profundis"). For that fantasy they are willing to kill themselves any time, providing they will take with them as many infidels (and possibly infidel structures) as they can. Nice parallels between these fanatical murderers and Americans addicted to fantasy in movies and on TV.

Finally, he mentions a 2004 Gallup poll, according to which, 78 percent of Americans believe in angels (oh horror!). "Only 40 percent, another poll found , believed in evolution..." Thanks for being clear on this, bud, because believe is what it is, since Darwin's theory was never proven.

"'Narr' is German for "fool." Well, welcome to Narrnia.'" Of course, my German is pretty rusty, but I believe German for fool is another word entirely; but never mind that. On the other hand, accusing people of being idiots because they enjoy fantasy books is in itself idiotic.

Finally, here comes this masterpiece of a conclusion: "All I'm suggesting is a fifty-to-seventy-five-year moratorium...on ghosts, angels, hobbits, witches, wizards... Eventually, we may even be able to distinguish political fact from fiction again." Wow!!!! Moratorium on people's imagination! Not only is he mortally jealous of a single mother on welfare who became a billionaires due to her imagination and talent, he is basically proposing a form of though police!

Congratulations, Comrade Huberman! Comrades Lenin, Stalin, and Brezhnev, along with Parteigenosse Goebbels salute you from their graves!

OK, WHAT HAD SHE DONE NOW?

Part 1

At a certain point in my life I have discovered political non-fiction. Now, one of my friends declared that to him it is a waste of time, because he either reads something at which he feels like spitting, and that is a total, well, waste of time, or reads something with which he agrees anyway, and he does not need that. I look at it a little differently. First of all, it is always advisable to have at least a general idea of what the enemy is up to, and the modern left is definitely the worst inside enemy of this country today; so, as much as I feel like spitting at or burning the despicable trash they call books, I always find it advisable to at least skim through them.

On the other hand we have all the books that are labeled "conservative" or "far right", even though a lot of them are neither. The people who write them come from very different backgrounds, political camps, or schools of thought. What unites them is one thing and one thing only: they refuse to toe the general party line set up by parteigenossen of what is ironically called "intellectual elite" (or, as Ann Coulter aptly called "the treason lobby").

One phenomenon I observed is that for every "right" book that comes out, there are on average at least two or three books from the "other" side shrieking denunciations (Ann Coulter usually garners at least five books calling her a bitch, but that's Ann). So, it came at no particular surprise to me that a little while after Bernard Goldberg's "100 People Who Are Screwing up America" came about I accidentally stumbled on the one called "101 People Who are Really Screwing America" by Jack Huberman. Yep, another observation is that the Shriekers do not usually bother much with creativity, but that's another story.

The blurb on the back of that literary masterpiece calls Goldberg's book "unforgivably successful" and attributes to the current author such wonderful works of courageous, almost life-threatening political dissent as "Bush-Haters Handbook" and 'Bushit!" The general format of the book also follows Goldberg's book: listing the offenders in descending numerical order, from bad to "badder" to "baddest". Yours truly was duly curious. If this book was a "shriek" response to Goldberg, who is actually more centrist than right, who are the offenders now?

I opened the book to satisfy my curiosity. Of course, I have found the "usual suspects": AIPAC, Linda Chavez, Regnery Publishing, Halliburton, SUV Buyers, The Wall Street Journal, The Discovery Institute and The Kansas State Board of Education (may G-d give them strength, but that is a different story), James Inhofe, Ann Coulter, David Horowitz, Fox News, Bill O'Reilly, The Federalist Society, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, the current President and the Vice President of the United States, and even "GOD" (coming up at #77). Again, that list was not surprising. What really floored me was # 96 on this hit list. Can you guess who it was? Three tries? You are wrong. It was ... Ready? J.K. Rowling!!

Now, just for fun, I have read a lot of anti-Rowling tripe, ranging from "fundamentalist" Christians to self-proclaimed book critics. But this was the absolute corker. What had she done that was terrible enough to put her on that list? So, yours truly decided to find out, and here we are. ( to be continued)