TALES FROM THE LIBRARY

PART 2

As I mentioned before, public library that used to be an enjoyable place to visit, now became mostly a source of irritation and a place that you visit out of necessity, and where you try to conduct your business as quickly as possible. As previously described, some of it is being contributed by the library patrons; mostly, however, it is the work of library employees. Security guards and their "King and Queen of the Three Bridges" routine already got an honourable mention; they, however, are just a tip of the iceberg.

Public library, by the nature of being public, is run by public officials; that is the main problem. Almost all of the employees, hired by the strictest guidelines of the "equal opportunity"/affirmative actions, work according to the strictest guideline of the public employees: absolute minimum effort plus no common sense, with the occasional rudeness thrown in for the good measure.

After you cleared the first barrier in the form of the above mentioned security, you are forced to engage the library clerks. These people do not have the words "fast" and "quick" in their vocabulary; "molasses" usually comes to mind when you observe them in action (and it has nothing to do with the color of their skin). There are two lines: returns and check-outs. No matter the hour or the day of the week, there is always going to be a line (sometimes huge) for the one, and up to three people yawning on the other end, because the rudimentary skills of organization are unknown to these fine public servants. Not only this, but clerks also love to play august personages; they enjoy to constantly point out to the patrons exactly where to stand, not to approach till called, and remind them that computer is always right and theirs (patrons') puny brains could not compete with it.

The funniest, at least to me, is the way they (the clerks) respond to greetings. It became almost a game. Especially with one of the clerks with a distinctive hippie appearance, who always looked as if she needed a good dose of dulcolax. So, for about three years, I have entertained myself with always being extremely polite whenever I encountered her, and catalogue her reactions. Finally, she showed signs of thawing off.

Librarians are another source of entertainment, albeit of a sad variety, since it usually gives off the glimpses into what hippies accomplished with our educational system. One of them, while trying to help another woman in front of me, could not remember Cortez' first name; both of them were equal parts surprised and annoyed when I piped it up. Another one did not know if "Edmund Burke" was an author or a name of a book. Very, very amusing!

Of course, the biggest fun and adventure are reserved for the instances of political affiliation. You can not really feel it till you disclose your official membership in the vast ranks of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, or even observe it till you make your business to notice such things.

According to my puny right wing fascist reactionary brain, if public library exists on public funds, that means that everyone supplying these funds could equally avail themselves of the library services. Which translates into availability of all printed non-fiction books, not just the ones approved by the leftie Comrades. Why is it that The Tale of Two Kings, whose message is objectionable to about 99.9% of parents (probably all of them, aside from Katha Politt), is readily available at the library, but no books written by Katherine DeBrecht? Why do they have about ninety nine copies of Bill's autobiography and ninety six of Hil's, but not one copy of "The Third Terrorist"? As this piece goes "to print", there are thirteen titles in the Politically Incorrect Guide series, but only five in the library data base, and even those in very limited quantities; aside, surprisingly, from the PIG to American History (I guess somebody did not realize the harm, since it was the first book in that series purchased by the library).

The list goes on and on and on; the only exception being Ann Coulter books. I guess her popularity is so big, it has beaten even the NYPL. I remember when her third book came out, there were twenty six copies in Mid Manhattan branch alone (and not one on the shelf for about three weeks after the initial release). But aside from Ann's books, what gives? The standard excuse is the shortage of the above mentioned funds. Fine; then buy five less copies of Al Franken's masterpieces, and at least one more copy of "The Witness" to supplement the lonely one that is constantly in demand; that still lives the budget for two copies of PIG to the Middle East and two copies of PIG to Islam. Does that make sense to you?

Lastly and most importantly, if you ever show your true righty colors to the above mentioned and described public servants, expect the additional drop in already very shaky customer service. One time I had the audacity to ask the librarian for a location of "Slander", which I wanted to check out for my Dad. She politely helped me, adding derisively that for whatever reason they had a lot of copies. "It's a really good book" was my idiotic reply. To use the old cliche, if looks could kill, I would not be writing this right now. She remembered my treacherous mug, and since then I could not get her to say hello, smile, or really help me. Another time another librarian observed me in treasonous act of picking a Reagan's biography off the shelf; same exact reaction. And remember that clerk that I have been training for about three years? After all my hard efforts to make her respond to my greetings and smile in return, I had the shortness of vision in checking out another Ann Coulter for my Dad. All that painstaking labor, wasted! Of course, my friend SubWife would have probably suggested a very easy solution to this dilemma: just stop going anywhere within five mile radius of Ann Coulter books.