MORNING UPDATE - MAY 31

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather is in triple H again - and it looks like some crazies are actually enjoying it! You can also smell the hot weather - literally - on the subway.
Last night there was some kind of commotion under my windows involving running, shouts of "stop, police", radio squawking, etc. - this neighbourhood is becoming too interesting.
The crazy upstairs is doing her usual noisy deeds.
Felines are not crazy about the weather, but don't like the a/c either. Baby Bro attempted to clip their claws this morning - no success.
Emma Watson admitted to constantly feeling "inadequate" as an actress - well, she is, but then she is in good company, as most of actors and actresses today are inadequate.
Daniel Radcliffe claimed that he was a big fan of the musical Oliver while growing up and always wanted to try picking pockets - interesting, that.
Jennifer Aniston is trending at #1 as she "detailed" her yoga workout - yoga enthusiasts, feel free to chime in.
Kim Kardashain is trending at #3 because of her "swollen ugly feet" in flip flops that was considered a latest "fashion faux pas" - ah, eh, news flash! She is effin pregnant! It's hot! And preggos do get swollen feet - a lot!
There is also a suggestion of doing jumping jacks in your cubicle in lieu of coffee in order to feel more awake at work - I sometimes wonder if people writing this stuff ever held a "real" job.
Then there is a list of 10 points on how to keep your home secure - 2 points from me: get a gun and post about it on your door!
A friend of the groom at Louisiana wedding decided it would be a good idea to unleash a T-rex on the wedding party - thereby proving, once again, that men have only two stages of development: childhood and old age.
Bieber denies the latest paternity claim - no comment.
Coffee this morning in Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 30

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is "summary" - again, whoever complained about it being too cold, my revenge is not swift, but definitely thorough.
George renewed his interest in the Amazon box; Sniff is taking advantage of the empty cat house.
Yesterday Baby Bro wrote a recommendation for an old student of his for a camp counselor job - I am sure whoever received it is still trying to google the meaning of about half the words there.
Few days ago, while flipping channels, I ended up watching about 2 minutes of Rachel Maddow and 1 minute of whoever comes after her - gosh, what a terrifying glimpse into the minds of liberals.
Speaking of which, both Hussein and Bloomberg got poisoned letters - aw, where is the love, people?
Kim Kardashian is trending at #2 because she "nearly suffered a wardrobe malfunction" that ended up being a "Monroe-esque" scene - sorry, but Kim can't do a Marilyn; and what's with constant wardrobe issues?
Trending at #7: "Liam Miley split" - although the decision of the judges is not final on that one.
Bieber is in hot water again: one of his fans claims that she had his child - oh, come on! He himself is worse than a child!
And, finally, Kate's parents are planning to open a subsidiary of their party business right here, in Manhattan - good luck!
Coffee this morning in my clear funky glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 29

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is supposed to go in the direction of triple H pretty rapidly - all of you who kept moaning and asking when the summer is going to come, don't be surprised if strange things would start happening in your house soon, as I invoked some pixies to annoy you.
Both felines are slowly loosing interest in the Amazon box.
A couple of days ago a friend was dropping off some stuff, and he forgot my apartment number - but was able to quickly orient himself as my door is impossible to miss: it has american and israeli flags and a big USA sign on it.
Yesterday ION decided to re-run The First Knight, which once again made me wonder: a - who decided to cast Richard Gere in the role of any knight, and b - all the women who thought or think that he is attractive, or in any way decent actor, should really have their heads examined.
Trending at #5: Kate Upton is "furious" with Victoria's Secret because they used her old photo without her permission after "dissing" her for so long - well, nobody ever accused Victoria's Secret of having too much class.
Trending at #7: Daniel Radcliffe is not against playing Potter's father, if Rowling would write some more - thanks, but no thanks, Daniel. You sucked as Harry and I am sure you would suck as James.
Trending at #1: Kelly Rowland broke down in tears while singing a song about her old "rivalry" with Beyonce - so, I guess the diva pissed off more people in her life than just the other new parents at Lenox Hill hospital.
Trending at #8: Obama had to explain the lipstick on his collar - I don't even want to know.
"There is a reason why 20 million adults visit Disney World each year without a kid in tow" - yes, to forget that you are an adult, you morons!
Coffee this morning in my Disney Dalmatian Spots mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! It's raining again, but no triple H - so, me ok with that. Feline companions, however, feel sluggish and extra sleepy - another "no complain". Sniff attacked George on my bed once again - he suffered a major defeat in about 20 seconds, but I admire persistence. Another sign of his persistence - there is an obvious hole in the last non-holy window blind I had.
The crazy upstairs is back with a vengeance - and now, after a brisk vacuuming, there are banging noises coming from upstairs.
Alton Brown was making all kinds of gooey pastry; ditto Paula with her cinnamon buns; and Ina is making scrumptious-looking mac and cheese, plus dessert!
Speaking of which - I run out of butter and sour cream, shame on my house-keeping skills!
Trending at #1: a fan slapped Beyonce's butt during concert - no comment.
Trending at #3: Amanada Bynes and Rihanna feud on Twitter - I guess when you are a genius, 140 characters or less is all you need to show your mental abilities to the world.
Rob Kardashian's weight loss is still trending at #6 - gee, how long can one person talk about weigh loss already?
There is also a spread of "sexy celebrity legs" - I still miss Betty Grable.
Trending at #2: R-Patz spent a weekend with Katy Perry - twyhearts, hankies at the ready!
Bieber was accused of reckless driving - why is this news?
And, finally, Kate is planning to move in with her parents after the baby is born - how Jewish is this?
Coffee this morning in my striped glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 27

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is rocking! I am always hoping against hope that it is going to stay like this for the rest of the summer - but I will take what I get and try to enjoy it. 
Today is Memorial Day - and it is gratifying to know that a lot of people remember that it is not just an extra day off to enjoy sales and barbecues. 
Of course, our Dear Leader deprived us of Fleet Week, siting the usual sequester garbage - so, instead of cute sailors our fair city if full of just crazy tourists. Thanks, Hussein!
Baby Bro if VOLUNTARILY reading Anna Karenina!!!!
Paula is cooking with Garth Brooks' wife. They are making something hot, spicy, fried, full of butter, and very colorful - hurray for Georgia girls!
The Battle for the Amazon Box continues! Sniff's usual attack tactic is to gain a higher ground and then attack; well, the higher ground in this case happens to be the edges of the box, which makes for a very entertaining picture.
Daniel Radcliffe announced that at the ripe old age of 23 he is finally planning to get a tat - congratulations!
"Many of the world's most glamorous ladies flaunted their curves on the red carpet during the past 11 days at the Cannes Film Festival." - what an oxymoron! Because whoever is considered "most glamorous" in the film industry today usually has no curves to speak of, so, what the heck they were "flaunting" is a mystery to me.
Trending at #3: Upstate NY near Vermont border got 3 feet of snow over the weekend - global warming, my coccyx!
Rob Kardashian's diet (which is trending at #6) is, apparently, working, and his sister Kim looks sexy in white (or so they claim) - at least everyone is dressed this time around.
Charles' and Diana's wedding is considered one of the most expensive weddings of all times - which, if I was a Brit, I would be seriously bummed about, considering how happy they made each other, and how it all ended.
Their older son's wedding also took a huge bite out of the treasury, but, so far, it looks to be very different and much happier marriage.
Coffee this morning in my hug Pooh mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 26

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! The weather is sunny and breezy - enjoying it!
The Singing Slavs did not disappoint either last night or the week before: last week they were dancing on the corner by the music emanating from a parked car and rivaling in volume a 747, and last night they were singing on top of their lungs and jiggling bottles. 
My friend recommended introducing the crazy upstairs to FB, thereby eliminating the sound of her vacuum cleaner forever - a sound idea.
Feline companions continue their on again, off again battle for the new amazon box.
Emma Watson recently joked (referring to her latest movie) that she is no "pro" at the pole-dancing - a skill worthy of acquiring, I am sure.
If you are impatient to find out if Kim Kardashian is having a boy or a girl, tune in to the next episode of her show - thanks, but I think I would prefer to remain in blissful ignorance.
Apparently, there is such a thing as "Bieber Salute" - ignorant me! It consists of dear Justin pulling up his top and showing off his "washboard abs" - where is the spittoon when one needs it? Also, it looks like he got himself a new leopard print car - why specifically leopard? Why not tiger or zebra?
8 year old Zahara Jolie-Pitt is tired of her parents' smooching - she is not yet aware of the fact that that is the least of her dear parents' transgressions.
And, finally, Kate and Will are preparing a nursery that will probably be "modest" - by whose standards?
Will is also "exited" for Kate to give birth - duh!
Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather is cool and rainy, but I will enjoy every minute of it, because as of Thursday, we get the triple H. The crazy upstairs is back with a vengeance. This morning Sniff met me at the bathroom door (as is his custom), followed me to the kitchen, and closely supervised the pancake making process - a little disconcerting to make pancakes with a pair of yellow eyes staring at you. George is alternating between his new and huge amazon box and my bed.
Marc Summers is talking about salty foods - where are you, Bloomberg?
Trending at #1: Gisele Bundchen "introduces" her "gorgeous" sister Gabriela via instagram - personally never considered Gisele gorgeous, but wonder how many men had heart palpitations.
Trending at #10: Amanda Seyfried's dog got himself a movie role as well - hopefully, the dog is a better actor than an average Hollywood dweller today; plus, there is a guarantee that the dog would not become a political activist.
Prince Charles is trending at #9: his chopper was forced to make an emergency landing en route to Wales, where Charles and Camilla were scheduled to attend some kind of literary festival - serves you right, Charlie! If you would have traveled via donkey (or walked) as befitting your envirowaco philosophy, nothing would have happened to you.
"'Glee' star bares toned abs"; also, Mariah's dress "malfunctioned" on live TV - calling all horny teenagers, I guess.
Selena Gomez went to dinner with Jaden Smith - but we were assured that Jelena is by no means other.
Coffee this morning in my funky clear glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 23

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is improving, but still a bit too warm for my comfort. We got a fresh amazon box for the feline's delectation - and it's huge, as their food and litter came in it  They both love the box, and, like mature cats that they are, they take their turns in it - almost without fighting. Also, Sniff came in to snuggle few times last night.
Alton Brown was talking about green beans - still can't look at him the same way after I saw his picture with a huge gun! Marc Summers had a special on sandwiches, and Ina and Melissa both made rice dishes - yummy!
Daniel Radcliffe claimed that he finally put Harry Potter image "behind him" and also "revealed" in an interview that he was given a step by step instructions on how to film a homosexual scene - yea, no joke, Sherlock! That is so not Harry Potter - and please don't start yammering to me about Dumbledore! Yuk and barf!
Target is now offering wedding gowns; prices are from 99 to 129 bucks - take that, snobs!
Trending at #2: "Halle Berry baby bump" - as in she recently showed it, so, stop the presses!
Trending at #7: Janet Jackson officially joined the billionaire club - as in she married a billionaire from Qatar and in the process converted to Islam. Janet, just staying in the millionaire club was not enough?
Amanda Bynes was banned from a private jet flight somewhere in Jersey after she tried to google herself as a proof of id - enterprising.
Hussein's PR team decided to release his senior prom photo - I guess to lighten the mood. Thanks, but no, thanks! What I really want is a much, much longer list of real documents.
Among the best airlines, JetBlue and Southwest are mentioned for their free check in luggage - this dinosaur remembers the times when you could check in your luggage free on ALL the airlines!
Maria Sharapova is "gushing" about her younger boyfriend - she herself is 26, for eff's sake, not 66!
An 11 year old girl in London is such a talented ballerina that she was recently accepted into the Royal Ballet School - but she is also a black belt in taekwondo! You go, girlie!
And, finally, in Kate news - she attended queen's annual summer garden party, as always looking the picture of elegance, in high heels, gorgeous pearl earrings (emphasis mine), and the cutest hat that is now being discussed all over the place.
Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 22

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is approaching bla-y conditions, with intermittent rains and double H turning into triple - thank Gd for first floor apartment in the old building, with windows facing north!
Right corner of my laptop bears an unmistakable impression of the feline fangs - thanks, George! I also committed a tactical error 2 nights ago - left my ear buds on the desk overnight. Thank Gd they are still working - George, you have been a very naughty old cat indeed!
Emma Watson claims that she was watching Kardashins show in order to portray a socialite in her new movie - interesting, if completely flawed, research. 
Brad Pitt is trending at #2 right now due to being an extremely classy guy: he claims that his marriage to Aniston was "pathetic", he "got burned out" , "was wasting his opportunity" and got out - so, let me get this straight: you publicly cheat on your wife, shack up with your new squeeze, have a few kids with that one, do not propose marriage for a number of years using the most pathetic excuses, finally propose marriage, still trash your ex publicly, and then have millions of women swoon over you and consider you the sexiest man alive?! No wonder "regular" guys think that being a disgusting pig would get them "more chicks".
Trending at #6: Kim K.'s baby shower invites - I don't even want to know.
Trending at #7: Bieber threatens to sue his own party guests to the tune of 5 millions if they "snitch" - interesting hospitality laws not mentioned by Emily Post.
He is also besties with Chris Brown - they definitely deserve each other.
And, his monkey now officially belongs to the Germans - good going, krauts! Once in a blue moon you actually showed some humanity.
Finally, in Kate news: a "prominent feminist" Joan Smith "dedicated" a chapter to Kate in her latest book, claiming that she (the Duchess) is just an unambitious, bland individual, who had done nothing with her life after college but played a supporting role to her boyfriend, married him, and now gotten pregnant. Now, I understand that for any self-proclaimed feminist today just falling in love, marrying, and having children is an anathema, but I, in my tiny non-progressive brain, prefer women pursuing that as opposed to "fighting" for killing the unborn babies, defending perverts, and kissing up to the muslim invaders.
Coffee this morning in my striped glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather seems to be improving, but rain still threatens. Feline companions seem to have divided the apartment into the spheres of influence, although Sniff, in a true democrat fashion, continue to break the convention.
Alton Brown was talking about meringue, and Ina was cooking something delish with cream on one side and flavored butter on the other - yum!!!
Emma Watson claims that she does not care about sex appeal - what about W cover and that over cover "channeling" Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?
Trending at #2: "Stewart Pattinson split" - poor twyhearts, the seesaw you are subjected to!
Trending at #7: "Bieber Gomez" - these ones seem to be attached for now; they were even sitting together at Billboard Awards with Taylor Swift towering over them (in more ways than one) - so, I guess what happened in Vegas did not stay in Vegas, and Jelena is back on for now. Selena also "dared in diagonally slit dress" at that star-studded gala - this is what's passing for empowered woman now a day?
At the same shindig J Lo appeared in red leotard that, according to a fan's tweet, channeled a Big Red Chicken from Dora - to me she looked like a strange witchy incarnation that somehow managed to misplace her skirt.
And, finally, Kate has been taking cooking classes from her Italian housekeeper in order to impress her hubby - I only wonder when is she going to actually put her newly acquired knowledge to use.
Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 19

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! Wishing all of you a fantastic week! It's rainy today - but not torrentially, so me happy.
Feline companions, though, are not that thrilled about the rain. Couple of days ago Sniff made another strategic error in attacking George on my bed - after which he climbed on top of the toiled and proceeded to meditate while staring at the fish on the shower curtain.
In Best Thing I Ever Made they were talking about fried stuff - yum!
Jennifer Lawrence "dazzled" in a Dior gown - a spectacular achievement, indeed. In related news: Jennifer Aniston and Kate Moss ended up wearing the same dress, and the "people in the know" concluded that it's impossible to compete with the ultimate "chic" of The Kate Moss - people, once again, go the Met! It costs almost nothing, but the refresher course on what is really chic and elegant is priceless!
Then there is a list of spring trends in clothes to avoid - ladies, you like it, you wear it! A photographer from New York traveled through deserts in order to photograph the abandoned sets of the the Star Wars movies - which only shows that nothing lasts forever, not even Star Wars.
Falling in love has five recorded health benefits - as long as you don't fall for "the goat", as the old Russian saying goes.
The list of 10 most dangerous jobs in the US omitted one that really is The Most Dangerous - a right-wing journalist trying to expose the truth about comrade Hussein and his administration.
"Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Reunite And Get Cozy In Las Vegas" - is Jelena back on, or what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?
And, finally, some publication called Mamas Latinas, was raving about Kate's new hair style - which turned out to be (are you ready for this?) a ponytail!
Coffee this morning in my white glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 17

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! I hope you all had a fantastic Shavuot! It's windy and cloudy - but completely breathable, so me happy.
Sniff decided to repeat his strategic mistake this morning and attacked George on my bed yet again - George's response was swift and, frankly, merciless; Sniff ended up fluffing his tail and hissing from the floor.
Marc Summers is talking about bacon! And Paula is making some kind of smothered chicken and biscuits, and then cheesecake with praline topping!
Cigarette-smuggling ring was busted in NY - Bloomberg, that shows you that your anti-smoking campaign is not really working, and people are very happy buying smokes without your draconian taxes attached to them.
Rob Kardashian is trending at #1 because he is walking in order to loose weight; his sister Kourtney showed off her "slim, post baby" body in a bikini; and his sister Kim can't really wear heels anymore and has to get flats - in other news, I did laundry this morning.
Selena Gomez "rocked" another half-naked dress - how is this news? When she shows up in something resembling Amish dress, that would, indeed, be newsworthy.
Heff left his latest wife out of his will, but bought her a 5 mil house to make up for it - I wonder if that earned him a trip to the dog house or just the couch.
Justin Bieber will have to pay for his monkey confiscated in the Munich airport - come on, krauts, this is your chance to show compassion! Keep the monkey away from him!
Prince Harry wrapped up his visit to USA by playing in the charity polo match; he then attended a luncheon in his honor, thanked for a wonderful week, concluding with "I have witnessed the extraordinary generosity of the people of this great nation.” - thanks, Harry! We, in turn, collectively apologize for our disgusting First Lady whom you had to visit, and sincerely hope that the sight of her did not put you off your food for long.
Kate was spotted "indulging in a banana muffin and a cappuccino" - leave the poor preggo alone and let her eat in peace! Also, US magazine wants to know which of her maternity looks are our faves - get a life, people!
Coffee this morning in my funky clear glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 14

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! Happy Erev Shavuot! The weather is on the cool side, but sunny - I am actually loving it; even thought procrastination paid off again, and I was happy that I did not put away my warm blanket ;)
 The crazy upstairs is at it with a vengeance. Sniff decided that the window George now likes is good for him as well - and he is not going to make a dainty cat-sized hole in the blinds, darn it! Right now he is enjoying the cat house while George is away; George, meanwhile, decided that he wants his amazon box back - but we are already using it for recycling.
 Paula was making a cheesecake! Ina was also baking some kind of gooey deliciousness with caramel sauce - yippee!
 A joy to watch! Carrie Underwood is trending at #1 right now because she claimed that she is not ready to have kids - social services in her state thank her for being honest and not providing them with extra work. At #5 - is Beyonce pregnant of not? If she is, we really need to know this time as soon as possible so that doctors, nurses, and, most importantly, expectant parents, would be prepared in advance and stay the hell away from Lenox Hill Hospital. At #7: "Selena Gomez is rocking a bikini in Mexico" - and I rocked a one-piece in Aruba, so what? At#10: new study shows that Americans should "sharply" cut their salt intake - Americans should sharply cut the immigration numbers and the amount of foreign aid, not to mention the amount of time they spent being concerned with what they are eating. Katy Perry "rocked the stage" in some kind of leather outfit - when she stops feeling the need to rock her clothes and just sing, then it would really be newsworthy. Rihanna earned the title of "sexiest bikini body" from Victoria's secret - heck of an achievement! I personally miss Betty Grable - in more ways than one. Hotels in Hawaii are more expensive than the ones in our fair city of New York - even being a fake state of Hussein's birth adversely affected their economy! And, finally, "Karl Lagerfeld Would Have Kate Middleton Show More Cleavage" - Karl, go back to your emaciated models and leave a good thing alone!
 Coffee this morning in my huge Pooh mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 13

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! It's sunny and cool - but, as I said before, if it's not triple H or torrential rains, me happy!
Sniff decided to always wait by the bathroom door if I am inside; George continues his unobtrusive work of making a nice cat-sized hole by the window he now prefers. Sniff is also sulking due to his epic loss yesterday.
Today is International Hummus Day - rejoice, oh lovers of chick peas! Marc Summers was talking about ice cream, Paula Dean was making dolce de leche pie, and Ina was talking about cookies - yes!
Dan Brown's new book, Inferno, is due to be released tomorrow - I bet you my Barbie collection that whatever religious group he would trash and insult with this one, it would not be muslims. On the other hand, it made millions of his uneducated fans to look up Dante - a novel experience for most of them, I am sure.
Beyonce's daddy is trending at #3 as he owes IRS over 1.2 mil in back taxes from managing his darling daughter's talent - I wonder who and when is actually going to pay that.
A die-hard fan of the Chicago Blackhawks went into premature labor during the game, but refused to leave till the very end - a novel way to induce labor and to survive it. 
Lamborghini unveiled a new car in honor of its 50th birthday; it's a one-seater called "Egoista". The car is made " for one person only, to allow them to have fun and express their personality to the maximum". I am sure that the line of men affected with middle-age crisis is out the door in every single Lamborghini shop.
Hollywood Life dedicated a whole article to Khloe Kardashain's long red nails - no, thank you, I don't want her mani secrets.
Selena Gomez squashed the rumors of her and Biebs getting back together by claiming that she is available for an ice cream date - why specifically ice cream?
Prince Harry spent a day at Arlington National Cemetery and at Walter Reed hospital - I like this guy more and more. No news on his sister-in-law.
Coffee this morning in my Get A Grip mug that my sis brought for me.

A NIGHT AT THE OPERA

Last week I got a message from one of my friends :”Free tickets to the Opera next Tuesday. Do you want to come?” My response was - hell, yes, I am there! I really, really missed going to the opera, shows, and concerts – stuff you have to ditch from your to do list when you are unemployed. I didn't even care about what we would be listening to – that's how exited I was; an opera by Wagner? An opera by Wagner it is!

So, while I was getting ready, Baby Bro wanted to know what precisely I would be looking at, aside from the walls of the Met. I told him that it would be Wagner, but I had no idea which one. He right away reminded me that my German is not as good as it used to be. Then, being of curious Jewish bent, he immediately googled the whole thing and told me that I would be listening to Siegfried, and the whole thing is over 5 hours. The mental picture of that alone amused him to end - well, younger siblings.... I reminded him that we can always leave if we would not enjoy the performance, of just get tired of it; I also promised to brief him after I got home.

After a friendly usher at the Met tried to scan our tickets, he gave us a bit of a strange look and asked if we wanted to see The Valkyrie, as tonight was a different performance. Basically, our tickets were for Monday night, not Tuesday. But the usher told us to check with with the manager and see if he can help us. The manager exchanged our tickets and told us that the left side of the orchestra was the best he could do – apparently, our free tickets were for the orchestra seats, to boot!

A short investigation reveled that neither my friend nor yours truly were responsible for the mix up, but rather the holder of the original reservations. And, as it turned out, he was not alone, as there were a few more lost souls in the entrance line who were holding the tickets to The Valkyrie. All of us ended up seeing Handel's Giulio Cesare – how in blazes did Baby Bro ended up with thinking if would Siegfried, nobody knows.

Now, my music history teacher would probably be ashamed of her former student, but it was the first time that I heard of this opera (at least it felt like it). Curios as to what particular part of Caesar’s life Handel used as the basic story, I was not surprised to find out that it was his (Caesar's) initial meeting with Cleopatra – at least the way it is portrait in the realm of historical fiction.

I was also aware for a while that both the Met and the New York City Opera are gravitating towards minimalism in their productions, but this new production of the classic surpassed even my wildest conjectures.

You see, the “creative producer” of this “new version”, Sir David McVicar, who hales from Glasgow, Scotland, decided to, I guess, try to absolve himself of his white guilt and in the process make some derisive fun of the British "empire builders". I mean, that is the only explanation I can come up with for the outlandish set of this gorgeous opera. In his view, Romans entering Egypt were conquerors invading a different (and probably superior) culture, so in his artistic interpretation of this theme, the Romans in the opera wore the costumes of British soldiers from the turn of the 20^th century, and the Egyptians resembled Hindus from the same era. The fact that by the time Caesar met Cleopatra, the royal palace of Egypt strongly resembled Rome culturally did not really phase the creative juices of Sir David. He went so far as to dress his Cleopatra as Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's – which annoyed me to no end, both as the historical purist and as a Hepburn fan (my dislike of that particular movie non-withstanding). To that travesty he added Bollywood style dancing (because, I guess, it blends seamlessly with a baroque opera), and, as a cherry on top, some obviously homosexual overtures at the beginning of the third act. Also, I guess just because our dear Mayor got everyone's liver by now, shotguns were shown and “gunshot effects” were used.

But guess what? All of this nonsensical stupidity paled next to two things: the indescribable pleasure of listening to a live performance in a place with perfect acoustics (which beats any kind of electronic invention hands down), and, most importantly, the divine beauty of the music itself.

The genius of Handel, "a dead white male", was mocking all the attempts of mocking the "white culture". His music, written so long ago, is so beautiful and filled with so much soul, that it not only triumphs over the current multicultural stupidity, but will also outlive the said stupidity and delight both civilized people and savages alike in many years to come.

It was a first opera that I actually enjoyed almost in its entirety, not just an introduction, and an aria here, and an aria there. For a period of almost four hours I was transported to a different plain; the idiocy of the modern production did not matter. All I needed to do was close my eyes and enjoy the beautiful voices and the divine music. So, hurray for the genius of the dead white males, and huge thanks to my friend and her co-worker with reading comprehension problems!

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 12

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! Wishing all of you a fantastic week! Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there! Ladies, I know that it's just a couple of days before the Shavuot, but try to enjoy today  
George definitely likes the only window with unbroken blinds and is slowly working on a nice cat shaped hole. Sniffles was waiting for me as I left the shower, but I can't figure out if he missed me, or his hanging out spot, or if he was just hungry.
Jeff Mauro was making some kind of mouth-watering sandwiches; he also made a nice point - southern cooking is a lot like Italian: family enjoying each other and overeating together  I think we can include Jews in this mix as well.
Prince Harry is trending at #4: he sang Happy Birthday to the Olympian Missy Franklin - whatever their faults, these two (Will and Harry) are shaping to be way better than their psychotic parents.
Trending at #7: West Wing evacuated because of an overheated transformer - I guess the amount of hot air produced by this administration was too much for the poor transformer.
Hugh Hefner released an "unusual" family photo - the whole concept of family photo as it relates to Hefner is in itself an oxymoron.
"New Study: Americans dislike Justin Bieber" - could have fooled me.
Kate Middleton "recycled" her polka dot dress from HP exhibit to wear to a friend's wedding - isn't recycling a good thing? Plus, she looked good in that dress. Also, breaking news! Her due date is July 13 - nice to know when to run for the cover.
No coffee yet, but it looks like it would be drank from striped Target glass. 

I GO TO CENTURY 21

A little while ago I went to a place that I usually avoid like the proverbial plague: namely, Century 21. And, to compound the situation, I was dispatched to buy a tie for a person whose taste is diametrically opposed to mine. The problem of the tie selection was easily solved – classical patterns usually work for almost everyone; but the idea of going to Century was still unpalatable. Well, little did I know that I will be entertained during my visit.

First of all, the menswear department, although full of seekers of sartorial excellence on a dime, was not as stuffed as the rest of the store usually is. And then, there were the customers themselves: assorted tourists, the inhabitants of four other than Manhattan boroughs, my Jewish brothers of all different stripes, accompanied by their caring wives, harried downtown employees trying to squeeze a bit of shopping between work and dinner – needless to say, the crowd was pretty varied.

But what really attracted my attention was a guy who was shopping in a slightly different manner from the rest of us: he took about five or six ties, hang them in a row, and was peering at them, trying to figure out what he wanted. But his style of shopping was not what was interesting about him – he himself was, because he and he alone looked like he did not belong at Century 21, but rather at Savile Row. And it weren't his good looks – but rather his manners, his bearing, his whole classy demeanor. I have, for the obvious reasons, gone to more discount shops than I care to remember – but this was the first time I saw somebody who so obviously did not belong there, but still just went ahead with his discount shopping.

Ah, New York, my crazy beloved city! Even after almost twenty five years you still delight and amuse me in the most unexpected places!

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 10

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! It's warm and sunny outside - but feline companions are still snoring away in their usual designated spots. The crazy upstairs is very much awake and performs with a vengeance. J. Lo.'s boyfriend "out-divas" her - that means that they are perfect for each other. Vogue is not happy with Kim K.'s dress - how about not being happy with your Hussein-supporting editor? Not that l loved Kim's dress, mind you. Jennifer Aniston wanted Giselle's hair and ended up with a bad haircut - yea, as the old Jewish saying goes, we should all have those problems. Zoe Saldana's character from Colombiana inspired a lot of baby name - oh, yikes! Prince Harry is visiting us again - my first thought was "where would he end up naked now?" He surpassed that by making a surprise visit to parteigenosse Michelle's mother's day tea - yuk and barf! But most of his visit would be spent "honoring the wounded and the dead of war", so he redeemed himself with that one. Anne Hathaway went platinum blond - which did not improve her looks at all. Martha Stewart met her first 2 Match.com dates on the Today show - speaking of awkward first dates. "Coke addresses health critics" - dear morons, it's coke, nut carrot juice, for pete's sake! Drink it and enjoy - just remember that it does not have the same benefits as the above-mentioned juice! Bieber posted a picture of him and friend drinking beer - how bloody original. No news on the Kate front. Coffee this morning in my blue wine glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 9

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! It is still rainy and cloudy, and the feline companions are not happy - they continue to sleep the day away in their self-assigned spots: on my bed and in the cat house. Rob Kardashian is trending at # 3 as he pleaded not guilty to theft and battery charges; in related news - his sister's bikini is still preying on everyone's mind. Nick Lachey was complaining about his former father-in-law - keep it classy, dude. A dude who plays in The Game of Thrones is cast as the prince charming in the upcoming new version of Cinderella - somehow I don't see the show's fans running to watch the movie, but stranger things happened. Ferrari vows that it will never stray from tradition in order to build an electric car - go, Ferrari! In the upcoming portrayal of the Superman, kryptonite is not his biggest weakness, but rather "his own confusion and sense of isolation" - welcome to the age of Aquarius, hell take it! Miley Cyrus claimed that she had a terrifying experience back in 2011 while on tour in London (she thought she saw a ghost) - Miley, seeing you is usually terrifying enough, ghosts or no ghosts. An 83 year old nun in Tennessee was found guilty of interfering with national security. The old dear broke into the nuclear weapons facility and defaced a uranium processing plant, of which deeds she was proud and unrepentant, as she was protesting against the instruments of death - I guess demanding accountability of her own church leaders was too tame and boring. Bieber will appear in the Simpsons - at least he is not going to moan about Selena. And, finally, something called the Mommy Files, was bitching about the fact that Kate bought a Bugaboo for probably $1,800 - big deal! That's for a future prince or princess, for pete's sake! Now, dissecting the welfare recipients of South Brooklyn who schlepp their darlings around in Bugaboos - that's way more news worthy. Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 8

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! It's raining today. George came to snuggle in last night, and Sniff - this morning. Now they are both slumbering in my room: Georgie on my bed, and Sniffles in the cat house. Ina was making scones - yay! Yesterday, or rather very early this morning, I finally finished a bottle of chardonnay that was purchased before the Purim of 2012 - am an embarrassment to my Russian heritage and proud of it! Also, still did not consume my Godiva freebies. Today is Yom Yerushalaim - anti-Semites of all stripes (including our own) are invited to gnash their teeth and be reminded once again that undivided Jerusalem belongs to us. And now, to important news. Universal Orlando is expanding their Harry Potter world - another example of HP working its wizardry in the muggle world. Guess what is trending at #1 right now? Kardashian bikini! It looks like Kim "bared her baby bump" in a "tiny bikini" - earth shattering news this is, for sure. Leonard Nimoy is trending at #5 because he and his "Spock successor" were featured in an Audi commercial - that one was really funny. Megyn Kelly is trending at #8 because Fox just renewed her contract - let the mud-slinging from the benevolent left begin. Americans don't get enough magnesium in their diet; good news - nuts and dark chocolate are full of it! Dennis Rodman tweeted a diplomatic plea to the leader of North Korea starting with "do me a solid" - paging psychiatric hotline. Urban Outfitters is under fire again - this time for selling shot glasses that look like prescription drug bottles. Critics claim it "glamorizes" the drug abuse - oh, come on, people! As long as it doesn't glamorize gun ownership, I think everyone should be happy. And a dude in Australia requested a custom level of Angry Birds in order to propose with it - interesting, that. Definitely beats "will you wash my tzizis" proposal. Selena Gomez "penned" a new song titled "Love Will Remember" about her romance with Biebs - aw....Who needs to read Romeo and Juliette, or The Sanatorium, or Pride and Prejudice, when we have such gorgeous and profound love ballads. And, finally, Kate is credited, once again, with bringing tiny purses and clutches into the spotlight - I guess our tasted divulge here. Coffee this morning in my smiley faces mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 7

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! It's cloudy outside, but the sun is scheduled to come out. Sniffles slept in the cat house, which he did not do for a while. George, on the other hand, figured out a way to the top of the bookcase, from whence he kept declaring his dissatisfaction with the world. J. Lo is trending at # 7 because over the weekend her recording session in Florida was interrupted by gunshots - big deal! Isn't she from the Bronx? Should be used to it by now. Cameron Diaz made a splash with a "scary-looking" spiky belt - be happy the spikes did not resemble bullets; that would really get everyone in a twist. Keira Knightly's wedding dress was "recycled" - something she wore to a party back in 2008. Oh, for pete's sake! Aren't we all supposed to be all gaga and mushy about recycling? What gives?! A hockey fan asked his pizza to be delivered instead of the original pick up because his team tied playoff game, so he could not leave the house - oh, boy! Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss beat our dear Comrade Hussein at golf - yes!!! "Children exposed to guns at NRA convention" - oh, horror of horrors! Children exposed to homosexual perversion - rounded education, but to see a gun - call the social services! Miley Cyrus showed up in a "daring mesh dress" - I think it's time for her to hire a new stylist. Kim Kardashian showed at the same gala in a flowery dress with matching bag and shoes - poor pictures at the Met, to be subjected to all this. And Kate hired a "perfect housekeeper" in preparations for the baby - I wonder what constitutes perfect in this scenario. Coffee this morning would probably be in a disposable cup from a local DD.

I PLAY A MARRIED WOMAN

Being a woman is both a blessing and a curse. For centuries we had to deal with male idiocy disguised as logic, while ourselves constantly accused of being too emotional and devoid of clear thinking – even in the most progressive societies. And when the civilized world finally acknowledged the fact that our feelings are deserving of respect and consideration (at least in some instances), different floodgate opened. Males of the species in the dialogue about feelings perceived an opening in which to insert their own emotions, and since then we are under constant barrage of their (forgive my French) whining. The said whining comes from all sides of political spectrum, i.e. the ladies magazines (which are notoriously left-wing) and different religious sources (which are usually not left-wing at all).

So, not to be outdone, a few months ago Aish put on their website something authored by a Rabbi and titled “Ten Things Men Wish Women Knew”. Now, as my readers know, I have never been married; however, having observed countless married relatives, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, I feel that I am competent to respond to this little masterpiece. My character is a collective of about 15 real people I know, has a few kids, works, lives in Brooklyn (for the ease of reference), and has the usual assortment of in-laws.

Ladies, it's not complicated. And guys feel free to add your additional points in the comment sections below.

R: Love, love, love this little introduction! Does this mean that the complaint is more than 10 points long? But of course it is, why am I so surprised?!

1) Just like women, we need love. Even though women have the reputation of being more emotionally needy, we find ourselves longing for those words. Please say them often.

R: Honey, I knew you were emotionally needy when you got jealous of our first baby and the amount of time I was giving him (ergo, stopped giving you) – so, that's not news to me. I love you and would like to assert it as much and as often as possible – however, it is a bit hard to do when more often than not you yourself show complete disregard to the feelings and emotional needs of our children, never mind mine.

2) Additionally we crave respect and approval. Show us admiration and your wish will be our command. Nag us or attack us and we will retreat to our caves.

R: If I did not respect you or did not approve of you, the wedding would never have happened. How exactly am I supposed to show you admiration – give you a gold star every time you finally finish something you promised to do half a year ago? What constitutes nagging – my asking you (politely) for about 10 times to do something for the house and/or for the kids and not so politely for the 11^th? How else would you like me to proceed? I texted you; wrote a note on the fridge, and told it to you verbally – all, mind you, exactly as per your instructions for such cases. Why is your selective memory and inattention to our needs translates into my nagging?

3) We are not mind readers. We can’t anticipate your needs and desires. Tell us what you want. Help us out. We want to give to you but you need to tell us how. Don’t be coy; be straight. The proof of our love is not in our clairvoyance but in our response to your clearly expressed wishes.

R: As previously mentioned, I love and respect you – which also means that the object of my affection is bright and in possession of common sense. So, please forgive me for assuming that if you finished a roll of toilet paper, you would replace it; if you see a light bulb on the front porch die, you would replace it – especially considering that you are 7 inches taller than I; that if our daughter is showing you her drawing, you would talk to her and praise her work; that your first greeting of the day to our children would not be screaming and accusations; and that if you like to rest and drink hot tea when you are sick, you would automatically assume that I would likewise like to rest and drink warm tea when I am equally sick. Forgive me for this horribly mistaken assumption – I never knew that in masculine language common sense is mistaken for clairvoyance. But even if I am straight with you – meaning I spell out in minute details what precisely I want at this particular moment or what I would like for you do – most of the time my wishes are somehow ignored or forgotten – and then I am accused of “nagging”.

4) We respect what a good mother you are and how much you do for the community, but we do not want to be at the bottom of your to-do list. We want to feel like we are the most important person in your life. (Would you mind getting off the phone when we walk in the door?)

R: You are my husband and the father of my children. You are very, very important to me! When you are sad, or sick, or hurt – it hurts me too, more than you usually realize. But our children are the most important people in my life! They are the results of our love and commitment to each other; they are the best of both of us. But they are also small and defenseless – and they need love, guidance, and constant care. They can't cook for themselves; half of them can't even get dressed on their own, or blow their noses, of, forgive me, wipe their little tuschies. They can't even get to their friends' houses on their own. They also don't know how to deal with difficult situations, adversity, or bullies, and most of the time they can't clearly articulate what exactly is hurting them. Also, aside from our older daughter, none of them would ever voluntarily do their homework – would you like me to hire a tutor for them?

As for my “community work”, as limited as it is – for some reason I assumed that the situation of Mrs. R on the next block, who is blessed with more children than we and whose husband is battling cancer for about 3 years now, or Z's family 5 blocks over, whose youngest child is in and out of the hospital for over a year, of Mrs. S's, who is basically housebound and has no family to my knowledge – in my ignorance and silliness I thought that our problems and concerns, as weighty as they are, somehow pale next to these people's, so, yes, occasionally I do ignore or forget your dinner, shirts at the dry cleaner's, or even your second cousin's Bar Mitzvah, in order to run errands for these other people and try somehow to lessen their problems and concerns.

And, finally, my telephone conversations. I figured out long time ago that there is a slight disparity in what constitutes good manners by my family – and how your family looks at that particular subject. Never the less, I was taught to treat everyone with equal respect – so, if I am talking to someone on the phone, I consider it rude to hang up on them the minute you walked into the house. I said hello and acknowledged your presence – is this not enough? Plus, don't forget one important detail – most of these phone calls are not with my friends, but rather connected in one way or another with our children. And I shudder to even contemplate what will happen if I hang up on your mother or one of your siblings – this horrible faux pas will probably be mentioned at our baby's Bat Mitzvah – or possibly even her wedding reception.

5) Our desire for physical intimacy is not some trivial biological need that we should just suppress until the kids are older. It is an expression of our desire for a deep and profound connection with you. When you rebuff it, it is hurtful and we feel rejected. Imagine if we are always too tired to talk to you.

R: Here is the simple truth: by the time I hit the pillow at night, I am unconscious about 95% of the time. Blame it on the following: unending housework that I do ( and you somehow do not see the results of), kids' schools, homework, teachers, bath time, or what have you; the endless food shopping and other errands, commuting to work, endless frustration from the job itself, the thankless task of constant diplomacy (above the level of the State Department requirement) in dealing with your family – any one of these, all of them, or any combination of the above completely drain my physical and mental energy. As a side note – I wanted to take a few years off from work after our son was born so I could be home with children, but your parents frowned at the idea of their darling child working alone in order to support the lazy queen at home. So, sweetheart, whatever the cause may be, the effect is – I am usually comatose at night. But, to paraphrase a popular book, if necrophilia is your thing, I am not stopping you. And, yes, usually you ARE to tired to talk to me – regardless of the topic of conversation.

6) Our jobs are important to us – for our self-worth, for a feeling of accomplishment, and because we want to provide for our families. Please try to understand that we work hard and are actually not on the golf course all day.

R.: Darling, the fact that you wanted to support our family from day one is one of the reasons I liked you from the beginning. I understand that your work takes a lot out of you – but I work too. You require time to decompress after a tong day at the office before you can talk to me or the children with any degree of civility – I never get this option. And, yes, I did not work while on maternity leave – but it was no picnic by any stretch of the imagination.

7) You seem to think we’re incompetent but we are actually capable of watching our children – and even doing a good job of it! If you want to have a break and get out of the house, please go – and trust us.

R: Oh, wow! Does this come from the same man who would not let me go to supermarket on Thursday night because he was afraid to be with our newborn for less than an hour? The same person who kept berating me for having the audacity to leave him with a screaming baby so that I could go to the mikva? I am duly impressed with your maturity and attitude change! I am taking you up on your offer this coming Sunday and going out with my friend for a few hours- and then ( just for the sake of science) I will count how many phone calls I would get asking me where the coats are, how come we are out of milk, are any of our kids allergic to peanut butter, is the kugel in the fridge dairy or pareve, why are they fighting over the same pack of crayons, et cetera, et cetera. Finally, I wonder at how much time would pass before I would be asked about how long I was planning to talk idiotic nonsense to my friend. But, hey, hope springs eternal. On the second thought – scratch the whole friends outing! May I just have a nice, long, uninterrupted nap? Then maybe we could address your concern listed at #5.

8) We are not another one of your children. Please don’t speak of us that way (we don’t think it’s cute) when talking with your friends, and please don’t treat us that way. It diminishes us and you.

R: OK, you got me there, pal! I am completely stumped – what precisely are you talking about? Unless you are referring to the times when you decided to justify the saying “a woman gets her first child the day after the wedding”, and I called you on it (but did not discuss it with any of my friends), I really have no idea what you are talking about and what the issue is.

9) We really wish we could give you all the material possessions your heart desires. It is painful to us that we can’t. Please don’t increase the pressure by constantly criticizing us about it.

R: I appreciate the sentiment, darling, I really do! But what material possessions are we talking about? The jewelry I got after our first son was born? I really did not want them – your family insisted. My perfume collection? They are presents from my mom and my sister. My wig? You kept making a hole in my head (forgive the pun) till I got one. Clothing for the kids? They do grow, you know; and I can't always insist on the younger ones wearing the hand me downs from their older siblings – it's simply unfair. My clothing? I am sorry, but it is usually more expensive than yours – you are welcome to tag along with me and find out for yourself. Family vacations are non-negotiable, I am sorry. As for criticizing you – are we talking about my suggestion of a homemade lunch for you at least twice a week as opposed to take out? Or my annoyance at your purchase of the new phone and an ipad before the necessary bathroom repairs? I do apologize, most humbly! In my obtuseness I somehow decided that, as we own the house, it really would be a great idea to make sure there are no leaks in the ceiling, and it pains me to know that I caused you pain and distracted you from the ipad enjoyment for an entire evening.

10) We are simple creatures with simple needs. We don’t require elaborate dinners on fancy china. We just want the comfort of a warm home and the love of a good woman.

R: I love you very much, sweetheart, but dealing with your moods somehow makes me doubt the validity of your claim for simplicity. You may not require elaborate dinners or fancy china, but I sometimes actually do – and if any member of your family comes to visit, simple fare and disposable dishes are not an option. Believe it or not, but one of my main reasons for marriage was the desire to be a loving wife who provides a warm home for her (hopefully) equally loving husband. I make every possible effort to achieve that goal, but I am human and ergo not perfect; however, I would dearly appreciate the same effort (or at least an attempt) on your part.

Your loving wife.


And, gentlemen, bonus point from me personally, and not from the imaginary wife: there are two logical reasons for putting down the toilet cover: 1. There is less of a chance of something falling inside and necessitating repairs and 2. Less germs get in the air, especially if your bathroom is on the small side. So, please don’t complain about our toilet seat nagging – we actually do have a point.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 6

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is a bit on the cool side, and the sun is gone for now - still loving it (although not as much as yesterday's weather). I think George finally settled on his fave window - it's the only one that still has a pretty much intact window shade. Sniff is now nibbling not only on my flippies, but on Baby Bro's yoga mat as well. He dragged it out of its hiding and made a couple of nice holes - not bad for a cat (even a largish one). Both of them came to snuggle with morning - each on their favorite side. Alton Brown was talking about sinco de maya food - boo!!! But Marc Summers was talking about America's fave starters, beginning with buffalo wings; Paula always saves the day with her unbelievable desserts, and Ina is talking about different flavored butters! Eat in good health, America! And speaking of effin 5th of May - waiting for the stories of mexicans offended by American flag, like they were last year and the year before. Graduate School of Theology at Abilene Christian University was transformed over the weekend into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and all the professors were given new names from the HP books - what a fantastic way to teach theology! Reese Witherspoon decided to brave it and put on a baseball cap with City of Atlanta PD on it, which prompted the debate about whatever it was a wise move on her part - I think we need to consult a couple of philosophy professors on this one, just to clarify the point and end the debate. 15 snacks that are not recommended during work - people, what planet are you from? When you are at work, and you missed lunch because at least 5 people want a piece of you, and it's after 3, and your hands are shaking from hunger - the LAST thing on your mind is how healthy the bloody snack is! "Aguilera rocks bombshell dress" - when she does something that involves the actual work of the brain waves, then you can report it; going around in "bombshell" dresses is basically an everyday occurrence to her. "How to do your makeup in 90 seconds" - just ask a working mother for a demo. "Bad managers cost the US economy billions in lost productivity each year, a new study finds" - I guess the study started and ended in DC. Justin Bieber, together with Usher, are facing a 10 mil lawsuit from 2 Virginian songwriters over the copy-write infringement - considering the infantile contents of their songs, even that they stole? "Kim Kardashian's Pregnancy Symptoms Include Swollen Feet" - in other news, I made myself pancakes for breakfast. And, finally, drum roll! Now, according to Prince Harry and some other sources, Kate and Will are having a boy - people, wait already! It's not that long, for pete's sake! Also, get a life. Coffee this morning in my Disney Dalmatian Spots mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 5

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! The nice weather is holding - yay! George and Sniffles continue to hold their positions on the respective beds; also, George is not exited about his amazon box anymore. But he did try to answer the phone this morning - and dropped the dratted thing in the process. Daniel Radcliffe predicts that his next movie is going to be a hit - yea, because most of the still star-struck Potter fans are going to run and see it. Keira Knightley is trending at #6 because she got married - mazal tov, and please stay away from further Austen dramatizations. IRS is complaining that they are unable to collect all the taxes owed - start with your own staff, guys. Hummus is conquering America, thanks, of course, to an Israeli company - go, Jews! Miley Cyrus is very exited to be #1 on Maxim's hot list - a true accomplishment. Porsche unveiled a new car that can outrun a 747 on takeoff - I wonder how many men who never grew up are already lining up for that one. The cheapest tequila makes the best margarita - nice to know. Justin Bieber showed "sensitivity" to muslim women during his Dubai show by not performing his usual dance with a member of an audience - spare me. And, finally, Kate was blamed for the - are you ready for it? - the shrinking size of handbags! Coffee this morning in my blue wine glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather is beautiful - enjoying it as much as possible! The effin Food Network is doing their cinco de maya special - flipped a bird, waved my American flag, and turned them off. This morning my dear pet, aka Sniff, hissed at me 3 times while I was trying to free his claws from my sheet. George is making circles around windows - he can't figure which one he loves the most, as his fave one is blocked by the a/c. This morning I was trying to violate Bloomberg's edicts in the laundromat - was blasting the soundtrack from Batman Begins and some classical numbers in order to drown The View blaring from the laundry's TV. Daniel Radcliffe claimed that Frankenstein was the best script he ever read - I don't know which one he read, but HP scripts definitely sucked, so almost anything could be better than that. Barbie is attacked again for not looking like real women - why attack the poor doll?!! Just look at any magazine cover, movie, commercial, tv show, what have you - do any of these women look real?!! Only in the eyes of men. So, let the kids play, for pete's sake! Unemployment rate is at 4 year low - who run their stats, Penny from the Bin Bang Theory? Actually, my apologies to Penny - she is at least honest, unlike the politicians and their flunkies, who lie without any concept of embarrassment. Jennifer Lawrence risked it and went on the red carpet without make up - congrats, Jennifer! You are a real hero - more so than our ladies serving in the military! Poor Gwyneth - apparently, it's difficult for ordinary people to relate to her because of her lifestyle - duh!!! She also had a lot of terrible times in her marriage, suffered a lot, but kept quiet - till she spilled it all in an interview for the entire world to see and emphasize with her. Virgin is going to go high fashion with their uniforms in order to bring glamour back to flying - how about just bringing more leg and butt room, and less money for the tickets? I would take this over stuard in a three-piece suite any day. Bieber stopped his concert in Istanbul in time for the muslim prayer - why the hell is in he playing in a muslim country to begin with? Nothing new on the Kate front. Coffee this morning in my striped glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 2

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is magnificent! But Sniff is still hanging by his pipe in the bathroom when he is not hanging by Baby Bro's bed, or eating my flippies, or just making a general nuisance of himself. I went to the library to check if my reserves were ready - they were not, but somehow I came back with 8 books (well, at least I did not have to pay for them). Alton Brown was talking about celery - I wonder what secret service told him when they visited him on parteigenosse Michelle's orders. But Marc Summers was talking about stuffed foods, beginning with hostess cakes - yay! And Ina made a dessert of sweetened berries, meringue, and whipped cream for Mariska Hargitay! Of course, camera did not show Mariska actually eating it, but still fun. Daniel Radcliffe is "set to play in Tokyo Vice", and Emma Watson is the highest paying actress in Hollywood - ah, the magical world of Harry Potter that keeps enriching even the mediocre actors! Trending at # 1 - David Tutera filed for divorce from his husband; the filing by the husband alleges that Tutera has a "sex addiction" - homosexual marriage is such a wonderful thing, because, according to the people in the know, homos are the most loyal lovers. Yuk and barf - they are the most promiscuous part of the society! Aniston is postponing her wedding so she won't get married close to Jolie/Pitt knot-tying - lady, give it a rest! You were married to a bastard who cheated on you in front of the whole country! Don't give him another thought! And believe me, both - or rather- all four of you will get plenty of attention to satisfy your narcissistic needs. Trending at #4: Leo DiCaprio is planning to take a break from acting - hurray for not seeing mediocracy for a while; what bothers me, though, is the fact that he won't just be enjoying his millions in peace, but indulge in envirowacoism on a rather large scale. Bill Clinton admitted that his fave movie is "Who Is Your Daddy?" - to quote a popular book "the rich seam of humor that I could mine from this is endless." Justin Bieber caused trouble in Istanbul airport - big deal! What else is new? According to Hollywood Life, Kate is making sure to avoid stretch marks by using coco butter with vitamin E - yea, whatever. Stretch marks are as sure occurrence as the corruption is in politicians. And HuffPo also run a piece titled "Secrets of the Royal Nursery" - duh! It's a crib, a dresser, and a bunch of toys - secrets, my gluts! And, finally, a former military man in Wisconsin made his daughter a custom camouflage-themed prom dress - go, military dad! Coffee this morning in my clear funky glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 1

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather continues to rock - yay, sun! Even though George is officially Baby Bro's kitty, and Sniff is officially mine, Sniff prefers his bed and George - mine. Cantankerous psychotic pets! Last night, while flipping the channels, I got to Grimm and discovered that now the sword of Mohamed is also considered a special and powerful object in the lore of supernatural/fantasy/horror shows - oy, gevalt! Rejoice, of fans of Downton Abbey - Lily James was chosen as Disney's Cinderella since Emma Watson turned down this role. Jennifer Lawrence is trending at #1 because she is dating! Um, she is an adult past the age of consent - why is this news? Demi Moore is trending at #5: she reunited with her daughter Rumer during and after yoga class - serenity now! Photos of young Angelina Jolie resurfaced and are making waves: not only because she was "breathtaking", but also because her younger version is a dead ringer for Mila Kunis - same plastic surgeon? For the love of all that's holy, people, just go to the museum of "white art" and rediscover for yourselves what truly beautiful looks like! Sara Jessica Parker refuses to own a cell phone - that affects me how, exactly? "Movie studio hires a trainer for Carrie Fisher" - grandma Leia in a bikini chasing grandkids over Mikonos together with currently vacationing there Kardashians? That's going to be one heck of a movie! NASA apparently has a "huge tab" with Russia - why the hell are our own space shuttles in the bloody museums while we are paying huge tabs to those degenerates?!! Lack of friends can shorten your life span - duh! "Has Justin Bieber's Latest Reunion with Selena Gomez Put Her Pals in Crisis Mode?" - as the old Jewish saying goes, I should have such problems! And rumors are flying that Kate is already planning a second baby - good luck, Your Highness! Coffee this morning in my Harry Potter mug - the newer version.

PESACH 5773

So, another Pesach come and gone. My mom always feels a bit cheated – because we (especially ladies) put sow much effort in it, and then, poof, 7-8 days, and it's gone!

This time around it also came to me again (and stronger): how much time and physical effort we waste on spring cleaning and other assorted (and, might I add, unnecessary) nonsense before the holiday, resulting in the first (and sometimes even second) Seder spent in almost total stupefaction. I mean, come on – do the kitchen, buy food, and then annul chometz – that's all! Of course, we feel like we have to greet Pesach in a totally organized house, scrubbed from top to bottom – but it's usually a loosing proposition, even if you don't have kids running around and hiding snacks in places no professional spy would ever dream of. On the side note – it always amuses me to think about gentiles approaching spring cleaning with such serious intent and having no idea of the origins of this quaint little custom.

Over all, my Pesach was nice and enjoyable, and I thank all my friends who fed me. But this time I also realized that, as much as I love the company, I am a bit old for this racket. I really, really would love to have someone at home to cook for and have a seuda with.

Of course I did not make it to services once, but can still produce a decent fashion report. In a nutshell: despite Pesach being a spring holiday, when everyone is breaking out their summer wardrobe, and some color does appear (even in New York), this year the weather was a bit blah-y and yuck-y, resulting in almost complete proliferation of black ensembles among the good womenfolk of South Brooklyn.

And what holiday can escape the occasional genius statements at the festive table? This year was no exception, and included, among others, discussions pro gun control, superiority of Israeli medicine as opposed to ours, and my cute devotion to this country.

Pesach corresponds to the time we were chosen for our special mission. As long as we remember that, re-experience our freedom from slavery, and remind ourselves once again about the tremendous responsibility and great blessing of being Jews, the frantic spring cleaning and drunken stupor during and after Seder were not in vain.   

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 30

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather seem to be improving - sun came out, yay! Sniff re-discovered the cat house, and George is, once again, snoozing on my bed. The crazy upstairs is back with a vengeance. Baby Bro got himself a Galaxy Note - congrats to him! Which also brought to me once again the realization of what a dinosaur I am - because I hate touch-screens, and it looks like no one is making new phones with keypads anymore. Marc Summers is talking about movie time snacks - watch out, Marc! There are 4 - FOUR - benefits to a late-night snaking - go figure. The Kingdom of Netherlands got a new king, who "pledged to use his ceremonial position as head of state to help steer his country through uncertain economic times" - Your Majesty, how about remembering the glorious past of your freedom-loving country and dealing with the muslim scourge? Out of 12 top America's boom towns 4 are in Texas - go, Lone Star! Of course, DC made it on the list as well - as I said before, cowardice, treason, and hatred of America pays big time. Out of 13 ways to lower your blood pressure, #1 is not putting more than 41 hours a week for work - yea, and then you are going to develop hypertension on unemployment. Good news though - dark chocolate and red wine lower your blood pressure as well, yeppeee!!! Kelly Osbourne claims that hula hooping, which she did as a child, helps her keep in shape; among other hoop aficionados, however, are parteigenosse Michelle and Beyonce - thanks for ruining my childhood fun for me! Frankenfish spotted in NY city - oh, big effin deal! We got Andrew Coumo for a governor, Michael Bloomberg for a mayor, and Chuck Shumer representing us in the Senate, plus untold millions of barbarians invading our city - frankenfish, please! Who gives a flying banana?! "Miley Cyrus gives Justin Bieber some much needed advice" - yea, speaking of lame leading the blind, or however you want to describe it. While in Greece on vacation, Kardashians were dancing and smashing the plates the Greek style - here is an image for you. And, finally, this is how Will and Kate spent their second wedding anniversary: he was on duty with his squadron, and she visited children hospice - so far, they are shaping to be so much better than his parents! Coffee this morning in my black Target glass.