MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 14

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is once again cold and yucky - but, thank Gd, it's not pouring rain. So, I think my flippies would rest today. George, after wrestling back the control of the cat house, decided to organize my desk by ruffling, scratching, and nibbling my papers. He is also playing my secretary by answering the phone - he nibbles on the base and then head-butts the receiver. Sniffles is still lording over the food bowl - George, your work is not done yet. Congratulations to Catholics everywhere - they finally have a new Pope! Still don't understand why the rest of the world was so bloody involved in it. The new Pope is the first "hispanic" - I guess Vatican decided to follow our august example and become pc trend-setters. He is also a first Jesuit to become a Pope - well, counter-reformation is not much of an issue anymore, although I keep thinking about the fate of a certain French writer whose books I enjoyed as a teenager. Big Bang Theory is trending at #1 right now - it looks like the cast was celebrating their success. Well, good luck to them. Amanda Bynes is trending at # 6 because she showed off her new cheek piercing - um, why is this news? Because she was not involved in a car crash, but merely self-mutilation? At #8 - Medieval knight was found underneath car park in Edinburgh - what is it with this island and burial places under garages? Hopefully, next they will unearth some more courage and national pride, throw out the muslims, and put the English flag over Heathrow once more - yea, a girl can dream. Our graceful and classy first lady is dancing all over the place, moving her feet, shaking her money-maker - you get the picture (don't curse me, I am just the messenger). All this to promote her exercise part of the Let's Move initiate - oh, parteigenosse Michelle! How did we manage to eat, move, breathe, live before your kind and gentle tutelage? Kate Middleton is preparing for the arrival of her baby by having yoga instructor visiting her once a week and ordering parenting books on Amazon - I wonder if she got What to Expect When You Are Expecting? And surprising twist in the Bieber news - Olivia Wilde is afraid that after Bieber's fans "dissed" him, her fans would do the same to her. Ah, the trials and tribulations of being an overpaid celebrity! Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 12

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is rainy blah, but at least it's not cold. Happy Rosh Chodesh Nissan! Ladies, I would love to once again remind you that it's our holiday, so no hard work, but I know it would fall on death ears as we have (excluding Shabat itself) 10 days till Shabat HaGadol. So, please make sure your husbands give you extra special gifts today! To paraphrase Sheldon Cooper - DST, thou art a heartless bastard! Can't fall asleep at night, can't wake up in the morning, damn it! Speaking of mornings - today I awoke to the sight of George in the cat house (good for you, kittie!), and Sniffles on top of the entertainment center (for the first time), disdainfully looking down at me with his hutzbaniak yellow eyes. The crazy upstairs is at it again - I guess meds did not work. Guess what's trading at #1 right now? "Kourtney Kardashain cries." - yep, you read it right. She cried after Scott Disick (whoever that is) called her fat. At least he did not call her the biggest threat to our national security, a la Dr. Oz and parteigenosse Michelle. Speaking of which - still did not get a response from her re: my belated birthday bash and Bond performing there with Hayle. Ellen DeGeneres is trending at #8 right now because her show was renewed for another 3 years - yippee? Cardinals in Rome are preparing to elect another Pope - another yippee? Olivia Wilde "decided" to do a risque scene in her new movie - she was convinced that her character should go skinny-dipping. Oh, give me a break - artistic decision, my coccyx! Another important part of Hollywood history: Keither Sutherland used to be roommates with Robert Downey Jr., and Lindsay Lohan used to share a pad with Raven Simone - the tidbits of history so much more important to posess in your knowledge as opposed to the names of at least 4 signers of the Declaration of Independence. And Breaking News from Iran: "Image of Ahmadinejad consoling Chavez’s mother angers Iranian clerics"! "Ahmadinejad in photo scandal"! "Ahmadinejad in hot water over "sinful" photo"! - insert your own jokes and pithy comments here at your leisure. In Kate news: she and hubby are renovating a more private house in preparations for the baby's arrival. The twist? That's the same estate where Charles "conducted his affair" with Camilla! Honestly, in Will's place, I would get nauseated just thinking about it, not renovate it for the future kid! And, finally, in Bieber news: his manager claims that "there's nothing wrong with him"; Jada Pinkett Smith claims that media is bullying him; and, finally - drum roll please! - his mom wants to be the next "Bachelorette" - which, I think, explains a lot. Coffee this morning in my personalized mug from Hershey Park.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 11

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! Second day of @#$& DST! The weather is cloudy, but warm enough for flippies. The crazy upstairs is quiet again - did she start medicating? George officially welcomed me back! Last night he came up for his usual session of cuddling and blanket molestation; and now he is laying in my bed, hugging my book, and washing his paws. It also looks like he reclaimed the cat house! Sniffles is in his usual late morning routine - running around like nuts with the tale fluffed to 5 times its usual size. Interesting developments from the White House (as usual) - due to their "dog ate my homework" sequester excuse, Comrade Hussein cancelled the White House tours (even though they are stuffed by volunteers) - and, most importantly, not minding the fact that White House belongs to us and he and his lady fair are only renting it. Sara Palin offered to have bake sales around the country in order to keep the tours going, and added that she makes a "mean baked Alaska" - forget them, Sara, I want one! And, I am sure that the mere mention of the words "baked goodies" would twist parteigenosse Michelle's ugly new wig. Incidentally, she just announced plans for her upcoming birthday bash - so far Beyonce (no surprise) and Adele (barf) are going to sing at her special celebration. Hey, Michelle! I heard you love the little people so much - I didn't yet get a chance to celebrate my "special" birthday - because I knew I was about to loose my job. So, how about you through me a bash also? I would love Bond to perform - with Hayle, not the new girl, mind you! Currently trending at #8 - former Detroit mayor convicted on a bunch of charges, including corruption and fraud - which, unfortunately, would not help Detroit, but, hopefully, would teach people not to elect Democratic mayors - yea, I know, I can dream. Queen Bess, in "historic move", signed some kind of pro-homosexual piece of legislation - which once again shows that, by the time you are 86, it's way past time to quietly retire from public life. On the other hand, I see her dilemma - her son would be a bigger embarrassment at any age. As per her granddaughter-in-law - it looks, after all, that she did not reveal that she is having a girl, and she was blasted again by some kind of comedian for not having a "single opinion" -ah, leave the poor preggo alone, for effs sake! A new study also suggests that even mummies have clogged arteries, way before burger joints and smokes - people, rejoice! There are 4 more asteroids on the way to Earth - could one of them hit DC this time around?!! And, surprisingly, the first advantage of being single - you are more hire-worthy; well, news to me. Elle Macpherson if "off the market again" - she has just gotten engaged! And, finally, Justin Bieber "cancels Portugal show due to "unforeseen circumstances"! Coffee this morning in my green funky mug from Yves Rocher.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 27

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is pretty sucky, but not terrible - hoping spring will come soon. Fresh air acted like an upper on Sniffles this morning - the crazy cat got extra crazy and was running around the apartment at the triple of his usual speed. This is what's currently trending at # 2 - a man in Indiana was arrested after calling 911 for nine times and trying to order a cheeseburger; well, I guess serious hunger does constitute an emergency situation. According to parteigenosse Michelle, her dear husband is not getting gray hair because of the stress of his job (yea, no kidding, what stress?) - he is getting it because he is a father of 2 teenage daughters. Aw...how could I put in printable words all I can say on the matter? Also, I assume that this is a hint that they are just like any other parents in America - it's just that their darlings are protected by armed security 24/7, and we have to fight for our right to protect our kids. And speaking of weapons: the head of Family Tree Entertainment sent a following proposal to NYPD: offer tickets to Beyonce's concert (instead of money) in exchange for firearms. Well, considering the demographics of the NYC's toughest criminals and the members of the street gangs, they might just go for it; then again - I think the entertainment mogul is putting too much faith into Beyonce's appeal, even to young black and hispanic thugs. Guess what Lindsey Lohan, Jason Alexander, Lance Armstrong, and Jenny McCarthy have in common? They all refused to be on DWTS - wow! And here is an attention-grabbing headline "Hathaway's dress crisis" - I kid you not! What was the crisis? Well, she wanted to wear a dress from Valentino, her "long-time friend", to the Oscars, but changed her mind at the last minute and hopes that nobody was offended - crisis indeed! Way worse than our national debt, folks! A physicist in Australia asked his girlfriend to marry him by publishing a scientific paper - who said nerdy?! That's hot, man! Also in Australia - another dude brewed beer for about 1 G a bottle by using the water from the iceberg - interesting folk lives there Down Under. Kim K. is back in the news - she started her mommy blog and wrote about fabulous maternity jeans; well, at least everyone remains dressed in this story - and Kim can actually write! Ditto for Prince Harry - no more nude photos of him, of his sister-in-law. And it's quite on Bieber's front as well - no gas masks or testicular kidnappings. Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug - hello to the crazy district of Nancy Pelosi.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 26

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is still warm and relatively nice for February. The crazy upstairs did not disappoint and produced double amount of noise - probably to make up for yesterday's silence. Ladies and Gentlemen - rejoice! The long wait is over and the new cast of DWTS is announced! Kim Kardashian is all over the net today - the famous preggo did attend the Oscars and twitted her pictures. Yay, hurray - what would the world come to without seeing her face and figure every day?!! Parteigenosse Michelle, that inspiring figure from humble beginnings and the champion of the poor, wore a very modest dress for her guest appearance at the Oscars - it costs less than 9 Gs, folks! And speaking of that nice, sparkly dress - Iranian TV somehow photo-shopped it to cover her famous arms and over stuff. Also, she recently announced during one of her very rare TV appearances that she misses cooking for her family and even walks to the kitchen sometimes - aw...Oh, for effs sake! Nobody is stopping you - go and cook; incidentally, maybe you will save a bit on the chef's fee, especially considering the insanely obscene amount of money that is spent on your family every blessed day! Oh, yea, and the amount of time spent on cooking would equal the amount of time you don't tell the rest of us how to live, breath, eat, feed our kids, etc. And Snooki is back in the news as well - she sold her "tacky" SUV for more money than the new car would cost - gee, what a huge surprise! It looks like Prince Harry kept his clothes on during his latest vaca, and there are no news from his sister-in-law. But Bieber is back!!! It looks like during his recent trip to the mall he decided to hide behind a gas mask to avoid the paparazzi - novel, that. Coffee this morning in my sad/smiley faces mug.