MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 4

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is supposed to be improving and getting warm - we may even hit 60 next week! Again, I'll believe it when I see it. Sniffles takes every opportunity he gets to climb in the cat house; George was issued a new Amazon box, which he is enjoying presently. One enterprising real estate agent (ours, of course) calculated that the approximate value of Hogwarts castle in today's market would be $204,102,000 - well, we can always redistribute the homes of every single eco-hypocrite like Gore, Di Caprio, Streisand, et al, and come up with the needed sum in no time. Reese Witherspoon is currently trending at #7 because she went brunette - shocking indeed, as we have grown so accustomed to her sun-kissed locks. Hayden Panettiere, meanwhile, got in the news because she "sparks breast implants rumors" - I wonder who is more interested in this, men or women. JWoww, the godmother of Snooki's son Lorenzo, gave him a "surprising gift" - she started a college fund for him. Well, considering the combined IQ of Lorenzo's parents, I think the gift is a tad premature - but then you have to take into account the pathetic state of our educational system, and the offering looks very appropriate and quite generous. An artist recently created Lohan's portrait using stuff he found in the trash - I kid you not! He claims to love Lindsay, and hopes that, as a person who loves controversy, she would also love his work. NBC made it official that Jay Leno will "step down" next spring - I guess the dude dared to go too much off script by occasionally criticizing comrade Hussein, which, of course, in NBC book is worst than treason. And speaking about going off script - Vera Wang introduced black wedding gowns a little while ago, and the trend seems to have caught on. I wonder what would a black wedding gown represent - Cruella DeVill's statement about marriage ruining more women than all the natural disasters combined? Chris Brown in a recent radio interview said that he is praying for Justin Bieber, and also claimed that he and Bieber have their treatment by the media in common - to paraphrase a popular book, Freud would commit suicide trying to deal with this. Kim Kardashian would not attend first day of her divorce trial because she has to be in NY promoting her new perfume - would dearly love to know what Freud would make out of this charming tableau. And, finally, Kate and hubs "kick off two-day charity tour of Scotland" where Kate looked "stunning" in tartan coat and high-heeled black boots - happy trails, kids! Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 29

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather seems to be improving, although they threaten with rains on Sunday, and Phil was observed standing in the unemployment line. Sniffles continues to look for a new place to meditate, while George is still enjoying the liberated cat house. The crazy upstairs woke up again. Emma Watson's wax figure was recently unveiled at the Wax Museum - I wonder if they raised their prices because of it. QVC is running a special on the rip-offs of what Jackie Kennedy used to wear - well, as long as they are not running a special on what Michelle Obama used to wear...Lindsay Lohan tattoo is trending at # 5 right now, because we can finally know the secret of her double-triangle tat that was unveiled back in January in the court room - oh, saints preserve us! Sara Jessica Parker showed up at the Target's opening in Toronto in a blouse "reminiscent" of Carrie Bradshaw - because Gd forbid we forget who she is otherwise. A bear broke into a house in CA, "sampled some chinese food", stole a box of dog food for his friend outside, made a mess, and left - even as home invaders, four legged creatures are better than the two-legged ones. There are also rumors that Bieber adopted a monkey - poor animal (monkey, not Bieber). Kim Kardashain hid her bangs before appearing on Leno - um, why? No news on the Kate front. And, again, no coffee.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! I hope everyone had a great beginning of this wonderful holiday! The weather is still a bit schwach, but shows the signs of improving - at least we hope so. George and Sniffles both enjoy the cessation of strange banging, schlepping, moving around, and cleaning. Rob Kardashian is currently trending at #3 because he stole the memory card from the camera - he did not want the world to see him without his shirt as he gained weight. According to the TMZ report, he is not the only Kardashian dealing with weight issues - his sister Kim recently claimed that she did not gain as much baby weight as some reports claim, and his half-sister Kendall Jenner was recently called too skinny (which is currently trending at # 6) - boy, do these people have problems! Beyonce is trending at #4 because she twitter her support for homosexual marriage, along with other entertainment "royalty" - sheesh, what a surprise! If she twitted her support for the NRA, that would be news - but celebrities toeing the progressive party line are just boring. Kirsten Dunst claimed that kissing Brad Pitt was "disgusting" - agree with her on that one, although I suspect that Angelina and a gaggle of Pitt fans would vehemently disagree. Interesting tidbit from Disney animators: Arielle was drawn to resemble Alyssa Milano, and Alladin was supposed to look like Michael J. Fox, but then they decided to make him more "masculine" and added Tom Cruise's features - no wonder I never liked Alladin! Caroline Manzo, the "star" of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (no idea who she is, frankly, as I don't watch any kind of housewives), anyway, she said that Lindsay Lohan just needs a hug and a dose of tough love, and Bieber's mom should put him away from from social media and take him for a little RandR in his room. Speaking of Bieber - it looks like he took his shirt off in the Polish airport on Monday, and yesterday he visited his ex Selena Gomez before flying back to resume his tour. In short - modern medicine has plenty of remedies for whatever is ailing these two! In the news of hairdos: Sofia Vergara went back to her natural look, which is blond - don't really have an opinion one way or the other. And on the Kate front: HuffPo run a story about the designer who produced a dress in which Kate was seen with Will then they announced their engagement. Anyway, the designer was moaning and groaning, claiming that the popularity of that dress nearly "paralyzed her operation" - lady, if a celebrity is wearing your dress to a major occasion, be prepared to produce some more, for effs sake, and don't bitch and moan about it! No coffee today as no coffee maker for Pesach use.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! I actually did not feel like getting out of bed this morning because I was cold - but Phil's latest excuse is that if we relied on the predictions of a groundhog, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Where is that Ohio DA again? George kept coming to snuggle last night, and this morning Sniffles jumped on my desk; I picked him up in order to put him down, and he hugged me instead, so we spent about 3 minutes snuggling as well. There are plenty of worthy news this morning, but I will be brief (for obvious reasons): Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, TMZ had learned - gosh, what a surprise! Fergie covers her baby bump "in kooky patterns" - yea, good luck to this kid. Kim Kardashian's pregnancy might be ruining her hair - that one I did not hear yet. Bieber thanked his fans via twitter after Kids Choice Award, and Selena Gomez was seen hugging his friend during the ceremony - listen, moron journalists, they broke up! So, let them hug and kiss whatever moron or moronette they want! Kate, meanwhile, was out and about, proudly showing off her bump, so, the people in the know decided to compare her style to that of Diana and Fergie - um, cretins, that's like 30 years apart, and styles changed! She also seems to still favor hills - good luck to her! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 22

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat Hagadol! Hopefully, we are still alive - and will remain so till Monday night! The weather is effin cold - well, now there are rumors that Phil is apologizing and saying that he was wrong. Not only this, one prosecutor in Ohio indicted him for fraud. No more personal grooming from George. Sniffles decided to explore plastic bags - hurray for Baby Bro who performed a Heimlich maneuver on him! Yoko Ono is also campaigning against gun violence by showing the world John's bloody glasses - lady, the modern medicine presents a whole array of medications for your craziness. "Christina Aguilera debuts fresh-faced make-over"; her weigh loss is also currently trending at #6 and #9 - maybe I am old, but she still looks butt-ugly to me, and the weight-loss was probably from her grey matter. There is also a list of 10 ugliest cars of all time - the dude who compiled the list obviously never visited step-mama country, otherwise his list would look quite differently. Then there is a list of 10 most overpaid jobs in the US - the coward who printed it only listed jobs in private sector, omitting politicians and government employees. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg claims that she is very good at push ups - good going Ruth! Now, how about actually reading the Constitution? "China's glamours first lady an instant hit" - definitely looks way above ours; but, then, our feline companions in the litter box look classier than parteigenosse Michelle. Lindsay Lohan will shoot an episode of Charlie Sheen's Anger Management before going to rehab - oh, the unending mine of crazy comments! Justin Bieber is snowboarding in the Swiss Alps - speaking of which: this morning Baby Bro and I had one of our light philosophical discussions, during which he pointed out that even manure has following. To which I said "just like Bieber"; and he replied "which example do you think would be more offensive?" And latest on Kate: she was camping with the Boy Scouts and cooking sausages over the open fire; it was snowing, but she bundled up in $500 boots, $50 jeans, and "shapeless green jacket". Coffee this morning in my huge Winnie the Pooh mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy First Day of Spring! I think Phil got scared a bit, and the weather improved - well, at least it's sunny. The crazy upstairs is quiet again for the second day - I think the medication is working. Georgie is slumbering in the cat house - gorgeous ginger sphinx. Sniffles got me a bit worried yesterday as he appeared to be under the weather - upon which he decided to prove me wrong by running around the apartment for the next 2 hours like a demented stag, and this morning created an almighty stir in the kitchen by dropping the hot water urn from the top of the fridge (no urns, cats, humans, or fridge magnets were hurt). My personal fave: the "assault weapons" ban failed - eat that, Feinstein! This morning the public was offered to see Lindsay Lohan's mugshot #6 - thanks, but no thanks. The lawsuit against Dr. Oz is trending at #3 right now: the good doctor is being sued by "a New Jersey man who claims that an insomnia cure promoted on The Dr. Oz Show resulted in third-degree burns on his feet" - and here I thought all the fatsos finally organized and sued his butt off for calling us the biggest threat to US national security. At #5: "The state Department of Natural Resources will shot down one of Wisconsin's nude beaches on weekdays to reduce illicit activities taking place on the sandbar and in nearby woods" - duh!! What do you expect next to a nude beach - evangelical choir practices? And at #1: "Ashley Judd Wows in Teal Dress at Olympus Has Fallen Premier" - earth-shattering indeed to deserve the first spot! The new Pope likes informality: so when he made his first call to Vatican, the receptionist thought it was a prank and answered something to the tune of "yes, and I am Napoleon"; I sort of feel sorry for the dude (the receptionist, not the Pope). Interesting news from Greece (no, not the austerity or banking collapse): one of their islands brews some kind of special coffee that promotes longevity. I don't care about any kind of methods, special or otherwise: cook the brew and pass it around - it might even protect us from Obamacare. Tina Fey decided to make fun of Sarah Palin once again - what's wrong, Tina? EW did not mention you for the last month or two? 30 Rock ended? What exactly prompted this need to once again revive your career by making fun of somebody smarter and better than you? And this just in: "Justin Bieber vs. Selena Gomez: Fans Takes Sides After 'Letterman' Diss"! And once again: they deserved each other and their idiotic fans. We, on the other hand, do not deserve such huge bunch of moronic teenagers. The latest from Kardashians: "Whoa! Look How Big Kid Kardashian's Baby Bump Has Got This Week!" Once more, spare me! Kate Middleton's uncle Gary gave an interview to the Hello magazine, claiming, among other things, that when he first met William, he thought that Will and Kate would make a great couple - I guess the local Jewish chevra can persuade him to moonlight as a shadchan. His happily pregnant niece, meanwhile, took a short trip on the tube together with her grandma-in-law. Kate was also given a pin that says "Baby on Board", which, apparently, preggos are encouraged to wear on the tube so that the decent peeps will know for sure that the dudess is pregnant and not fat, and would give up their seat - nice thought, that. Wondering if it really works in London - a city overrun by barbarians as much as our fair city of New York. Coffee this morning in my huge Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 17

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! The weather seems to be OK for mid-March - debating the flippies, though. The crazy upstairs is up and about again - and her vacuum was making extra scary noises today. Today is St. Patrick's day - the very thought of which makes some of my learned brothers and sisters very unhappy. Relax, people - live and let live! If a bunch of people wants to wear, eat, and drink green, get roaring drunk and have some fun - let them enjoy themselves! And speaking of St. Patrick - if he was able to drive the snakes out of Ireland, could he accomplish the same here and drive out dirty politicians, Obamas, Democrats, liberals, muslims, envirowacos, illegals, barbarians, 98% of the members of the press, union bosses, university professors, and the rest of that unholy cabal? Please?!! Miley Cyrus is currently trending at #4 because she got a new tat - "anatomical heart". Next time I paint my nails deep green would I make the same waves - because tats really do not appeal to me. Then there is a dude in Alaska that collects icebergs - but the only reason he does it is to use the melded ice for his premium vodka! That's what I call dedication to your craft. The last on Bieber is his tangle with Lohan - I wonder who would come out the winner. Kate was criticized by some kind of posh designer for having too much clothes (which is not good for the environment) - um, moron woman - reality check! If people don't buy clothes, you are out of business, you huge dodo! Interdependently of this, the Duchess was spotted shopping for maternity wear and was observed schlepping a pair of jean in the store - aw! Coffee this morning in my Disney Dalmatian Spots mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 15

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather seems to be improving and warming up. The crazy upstairs acquitted herself handsomely today. The battle between my psychotic pets remains at the status quo at the moment. Chelsea Clinton is in the news because she and her hubby are moving to a nicer diggs: from a "measly" 4 mil apartment to a bigger one for 10.5 million. I guess it's nice to be the kids of slimeballs, traitors, and felons. Mila Kunis just started investing in stocks, which for her is a new trend - should I follow her example? And the decision to close White House tours is called "furor" by some enterprising journalist - dude, it's our house! We should be able to see it any time we darn well please! Another example of journalistic integrity: "Sen. Feinstein took a tea party partisan to task" - the said partisan also happens to be a senator, and more knowledgeable on the topic of Constitution, to boot. Padma Lakshmi is trending at #4 right now - because she "slammed" the boyfriend rumors and claimed to be single and free. Gee, so am I - Padma, you are in a good company. Britney Spears, on the other hand, is trending at #1 because it looks like she found a new boyfriend - singleton discrimination! In the news of fashion: Chloe Sevigny was wearing a "violin" dress, which got mixed reception, and Selena Gomez wore "red-hot" cut-out dress - in the same news, I need a new pair of flip-flops. In the Kate News: some people are sure that she is having a daughter that would be named Elizabeth Diana Carole. Also, Kate is currently trending at #5, because it looks like the demand for her nose sharply rose among American women - I think FDA should demand anti-psychotic medications to be added to all diet foods and supplements. And on the Bieber front: after his rant denying any drug use and accusing people of trying to portray him as another Lohan, he and Lohan "clashed", claiming to be completely different people, to which I agree - they belong in different psycho wards. Coffee this morning in my big Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 12

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is rainy blah, but at least it's not cold. Happy Rosh Chodesh Nissan! Ladies, I would love to once again remind you that it's our holiday, so no hard work, but I know it would fall on death ears as we have (excluding Shabat itself) 10 days till Shabat HaGadol. So, please make sure your husbands give you extra special gifts today! To paraphrase Sheldon Cooper - DST, thou art a heartless bastard! Can't fall asleep at night, can't wake up in the morning, damn it! Speaking of mornings - today I awoke to the sight of George in the cat house (good for you, kittie!), and Sniffles on top of the entertainment center (for the first time), disdainfully looking down at me with his hutzbaniak yellow eyes. The crazy upstairs is at it again - I guess meds did not work. Guess what's trading at #1 right now? "Kourtney Kardashain cries." - yep, you read it right. She cried after Scott Disick (whoever that is) called her fat. At least he did not call her the biggest threat to our national security, a la Dr. Oz and parteigenosse Michelle. Speaking of which - still did not get a response from her re: my belated birthday bash and Bond performing there with Hayle. Ellen DeGeneres is trending at #8 right now because her show was renewed for another 3 years - yippee? Cardinals in Rome are preparing to elect another Pope - another yippee? Olivia Wilde "decided" to do a risque scene in her new movie - she was convinced that her character should go skinny-dipping. Oh, give me a break - artistic decision, my coccyx! Another important part of Hollywood history: Keither Sutherland used to be roommates with Robert Downey Jr., and Lindsay Lohan used to share a pad with Raven Simone - the tidbits of history so much more important to posess in your knowledge as opposed to the names of at least 4 signers of the Declaration of Independence. And Breaking News from Iran: "Image of Ahmadinejad consoling Chavez’s mother angers Iranian clerics"! "Ahmadinejad in photo scandal"! "Ahmadinejad in hot water over "sinful" photo"! - insert your own jokes and pithy comments here at your leisure. In Kate news: she and hubby are renovating a more private house in preparations for the baby's arrival. The twist? That's the same estate where Charles "conducted his affair" with Camilla! Honestly, in Will's place, I would get nauseated just thinking about it, not renovate it for the future kid! And, finally, in Bieber news: his manager claims that "there's nothing wrong with him"; Jada Pinkett Smith claims that media is bullying him; and, finally - drum roll please! - his mom wants to be the next "Bachelorette" - which, I think, explains a lot. Coffee this morning in my personalized mug from Hershey Park.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 10

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! The weather finally looks to be appropriate for a spring day - maybe I will resurrect my flippies. The crazy upstairs was quiet yesterday and today - did she finally learn to respect the sanctity of weekends? George seems to be slowly warming up to me after my long absence - and even came for his usual snuggle on Friday night. It also looks like he finally acquitted himself in battle - as Sniffles is sporting some kind or injury around his eye. Congratulations on the beginning of Daylight Savings Time! My complete sentiments on this atrocity are too long for fb post and filled with non-printable words. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news, currently trending at #6 - she has a choice between house arrest or going to trial and possibly ending up in jail. And at #8 - Lil' Kim sues her lawyer for 1 mil over "bad licencing agreement" - interesting world we live in. Abigail Breslin is "all grown up" (even though she is only 16); she showed up at the premier of her new movie sporting platinum hair and bare belly - um, nice. Also, some crazy dude tattooed "Netlfix" on his forearm and got himself a free subscription for a year - I wonder if he saved or lost money on this transaction. There is also a new list of 25 tips for better health. Among them: eat with your non-dominant hand, have your coffee right before your 20 minute power nap, switch salt and pepper in their shakers, sleep in your exercise clothing, order first from your group in a restaurant, switch latte for tea, have monochromatic table setting, and drink water first thing in the morning - um, don't forget your meds before writing an article and don't forget to live in general? British researches suggested that, according to their latest findings, Stonehendge was not just used for astronomy or druid worship - before that it was a communal burial ground. Gee, took you all this time? To me it always looked like humongous burial ground - but, then, I am not a professional historian or archaeologist. In the news of fashion: Carrie Underwood turns 30, so, time to discuss her "style evolution" - yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah...You want is summarized? She looks older, just as plastic-y, wears much more expensive ensembles, and also wears obscene amount of jewelry - the end. On the baby front: Holly Madison named her newborn Rainbow Aurora (I guess astronomy is not her strong suit). Aside from Kate, 15 more celebs are supposed to give birth this year - oh, boy. Speaking of Kate - during one of her latest "meet and greet" she was speaking with a bunch of cute kids, one of whom stuck his finger up his nose. And, finally "Justin Bieber Eager to Move On After 'Rough' Week", according to ABC - waiting for his better week with baited breath. Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug - speaking of which: Oh good and noble homosexuals of San Francisco! Could you please recall back "Botoxy the Clown" and send us someone new to entertain the public?