MORNING UPDATE, February 14, 2013

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather seem to be rocking for NY February. Well, today is Valentine's day, and I, frankly, never understood either the reverence of the hatred surrounding it. You want to feel loved and appreciated? Honestly, you don't need overpriced candy or lingerie for that - and there are other 364 days to express love. On the other hand, if you don't want to celebrate it, don't , for eff's sake! There is no need for so much virulence and hot air! Enjoy the sale on yummy chocolates and cute accessories the day after - I usually do ( providing I have time and/or money :)). And my erudite Jewish friends, please spare me the necessary lectures - as I have been known to crack a book or two, or even, in my salad days, attend a few classes. 

More Americans are leaving the country because of taxes - please don't let the door slam you on the way out! Also, do us all a favor, and get all the other ungrateful swine with you, beginning with liberals and Hussein supporters! Calcium can increase women's chance of a heart attack - well, here is a thought: how about we eat everything and just enjoy life? SI's swimsuit issue is upsetting some guys, because the spread looks to be, well, not really PC - oh, for crying out loud! Either enjoy those absolutely unnatural-looking models like a normal dude, or don't embarrass yourself and keep quite! In honor of today, there is also a list of celebs "looking for love" - spare me! Bieber is quiet once again, but Kate's pictures of her "baby bump" are "drawing ire" from the Palace - Bess, give those bastards a break! Believe me, that's not the worse they are capable of! There is also extreme silence from the Kardashian front - scary, that.

Coffee this morning in my big Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 4

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is supposed to be improving and getting warm - we may even hit 60 next week! Again, I'll believe it when I see it. Sniffles takes every opportunity he gets to climb in the cat house; George was issued a new Amazon box, which he is enjoying presently. One enterprising real estate agent (ours, of course) calculated that the approximate value of Hogwarts castle in today's market would be $204,102,000 - well, we can always redistribute the homes of every single eco-hypocrite like Gore, Di Caprio, Streisand, et al, and come up with the needed sum in no time. Reese Witherspoon is currently trending at #7 because she went brunette - shocking indeed, as we have grown so accustomed to her sun-kissed locks. Hayden Panettiere, meanwhile, got in the news because she "sparks breast implants rumors" - I wonder who is more interested in this, men or women. JWoww, the godmother of Snooki's son Lorenzo, gave him a "surprising gift" - she started a college fund for him. Well, considering the combined IQ of Lorenzo's parents, I think the gift is a tad premature - but then you have to take into account the pathetic state of our educational system, and the offering looks very appropriate and quite generous. An artist recently created Lohan's portrait using stuff he found in the trash - I kid you not! He claims to love Lindsay, and hopes that, as a person who loves controversy, she would also love his work. NBC made it official that Jay Leno will "step down" next spring - I guess the dude dared to go too much off script by occasionally criticizing comrade Hussein, which, of course, in NBC book is worst than treason. And speaking about going off script - Vera Wang introduced black wedding gowns a little while ago, and the trend seems to have caught on. I wonder what would a black wedding gown represent - Cruella DeVill's statement about marriage ruining more women than all the natural disasters combined? Chris Brown in a recent radio interview said that he is praying for Justin Bieber, and also claimed that he and Bieber have their treatment by the media in common - to paraphrase a popular book, Freud would commit suicide trying to deal with this. Kim Kardashian would not attend first day of her divorce trial because she has to be in NY promoting her new perfume - would dearly love to know what Freud would make out of this charming tableau. And, finally, Kate and hubs "kick off two-day charity tour of Scotland" where Kate looked "stunning" in tartan coat and high-heeled black boots - happy trails, kids! Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is a bit on the chilly side for NY April, which reminds me - once again forgot to claim my godiva freeby for march, damn it! George decided to be my secretary for the duration of Yom Tov and tried to answer the house phone; Sniffles is enjoying his favorite warm pipe. Guess what's trending at #1 right now? Suri Cruise's haircut! It looks like she did what any normal kid would do: she cut her own bangs - and that, my friends, made the headlines! Emma Watson is still afraid of being typecast as Hermione (her newer, "edgier" roles note-withstanding), so, she decided to "grace" the GQ cover "channeling Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman" - typecast, schmypecast, how about a little self-respect? And (it goes without saying) our dear self-proclaimed defenders of our rights as women somehow are never bothered by this. Another guess (which came this morning in my e-mail box) - what was Hollywood's best kept secret? Again, you will never guess. It seems that for the last 7 years they were developing origami condoms - in the hopes that the improved model would encourage the use of this particular product. And a woman in California quit her "9 to 5 job" and became a professional mermaid - here is to following your dreams! Also, surprise of surprises: comrade Hussein has a "spiritual adviser" who recently described his (Hussein's) "daily christian walk" - heck, I need more than one spittoon as can never find one when I need it. "People who are in regular contact with" Bieber claim that he is acting out because of his heartbreak - um, dude, here is a hint: acting like a demented loon in need of psych meds usually guarantees that your lady fair will run in the opposite direction like crazy, not come back to you. Although we are speaking of Selena Gomez here, so, all bets are off. Khloe Kardashian's hubby was accused of running a fraudulent charity - well, at least he is not a Kardashian by birth, so, I guess, the family can still hold their heads high. And, finally, Kate is scheduled to "attend the National Review of Queen's Scouts at Windsor Castle" after which she will join her grandma-in-law for a birthday tea - the world is agog at the anticipation of her outfit for this occasion. Coffee this morning in my San Francisco latte mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 31

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! The weather is strange again, but tomorrow it's supposed to hit 60 - I will believe it when I see it. George and Sniffles alternate between sleeping on Baby Bro's bed and an occasional fight. Kim Kardashian is trending at #6 right now because "critics slam her performance in Tylor Perry's 'Temptation'" - Kim Kardashain actually performs? Madonna's brother is trending at #2: she actually has a brother who is homeless, but not on her priorities list - sounds like a behavior of another famous millionaire who is now occupying 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The new Pope delivered his first easter sermon today, in which he "called for world peace, respect for the environment and a diplomatic solution to the crisis on the Korean peninsula" and also "appealed for a resumption of peace negotiations between Israelis and Palestinians" - my catholic friends, you are screwed! That's how "original" and fearless your new leader is? Then there is a new study that claims that Shakespeare was a tax dodger - I guess Obama's cabinet is in good company. And a bunch of Connecticut cops fooled suspects by barking themselves (as K-9 unit was not available); suspects surrendered - great work, officers! And Bieber is trending at #1 - it looks like he spit on a neighbour, for which he is about to be prosecuted. Also, he did have a monkey, which is now on quarantine in Germany because he (Bieber) did not have proper papers for it. Well, paging a decent psychiatrist! And Kate Middleton is trending at #5 because most probably she won't have a baby shower - gee, I wonder why! Again no coffee.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 29

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather seems to be improving, although they threaten with rains on Sunday, and Phil was observed standing in the unemployment line. Sniffles continues to look for a new place to meditate, while George is still enjoying the liberated cat house. The crazy upstairs woke up again. Emma Watson's wax figure was recently unveiled at the Wax Museum - I wonder if they raised their prices because of it. QVC is running a special on the rip-offs of what Jackie Kennedy used to wear - well, as long as they are not running a special on what Michelle Obama used to wear...Lindsay Lohan tattoo is trending at # 5 right now, because we can finally know the secret of her double-triangle tat that was unveiled back in January in the court room - oh, saints preserve us! Sara Jessica Parker showed up at the Target's opening in Toronto in a blouse "reminiscent" of Carrie Bradshaw - because Gd forbid we forget who she is otherwise. A bear broke into a house in CA, "sampled some chinese food", stole a box of dog food for his friend outside, made a mess, and left - even as home invaders, four legged creatures are better than the two-legged ones. There are also rumors that Bieber adopted a monkey - poor animal (monkey, not Bieber). Kim Kardashain hid her bangs before appearing on Leno - um, why? No news on the Kate front. And, again, no coffee.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! I hope everyone had a great beginning of this wonderful holiday! The weather is still a bit schwach, but shows the signs of improving - at least we hope so. George and Sniffles both enjoy the cessation of strange banging, schlepping, moving around, and cleaning. Rob Kardashian is currently trending at #3 because he stole the memory card from the camera - he did not want the world to see him without his shirt as he gained weight. According to the TMZ report, he is not the only Kardashian dealing with weight issues - his sister Kim recently claimed that she did not gain as much baby weight as some reports claim, and his half-sister Kendall Jenner was recently called too skinny (which is currently trending at # 6) - boy, do these people have problems! Beyonce is trending at #4 because she twitter her support for homosexual marriage, along with other entertainment "royalty" - sheesh, what a surprise! If she twitted her support for the NRA, that would be news - but celebrities toeing the progressive party line are just boring. Kirsten Dunst claimed that kissing Brad Pitt was "disgusting" - agree with her on that one, although I suspect that Angelina and a gaggle of Pitt fans would vehemently disagree. Interesting tidbit from Disney animators: Arielle was drawn to resemble Alyssa Milano, and Alladin was supposed to look like Michael J. Fox, but then they decided to make him more "masculine" and added Tom Cruise's features - no wonder I never liked Alladin! Caroline Manzo, the "star" of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (no idea who she is, frankly, as I don't watch any kind of housewives), anyway, she said that Lindsay Lohan just needs a hug and a dose of tough love, and Bieber's mom should put him away from from social media and take him for a little RandR in his room. Speaking of Bieber - it looks like he took his shirt off in the Polish airport on Monday, and yesterday he visited his ex Selena Gomez before flying back to resume his tour. In short - modern medicine has plenty of remedies for whatever is ailing these two! In the news of hairdos: Sofia Vergara went back to her natural look, which is blond - don't really have an opinion one way or the other. And on the Kate front: HuffPo run a story about the designer who produced a dress in which Kate was seen with Will then they announced their engagement. Anyway, the designer was moaning and groaning, claiming that the popularity of that dress nearly "paralyzed her operation" - lady, if a celebrity is wearing your dress to a major occasion, be prepared to produce some more, for effs sake, and don't bitch and moan about it! No coffee today as no coffee maker for Pesach use.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! I actually did not feel like getting out of bed this morning because I was cold - but Phil's latest excuse is that if we relied on the predictions of a groundhog, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Where is that Ohio DA again? George kept coming to snuggle last night, and this morning Sniffles jumped on my desk; I picked him up in order to put him down, and he hugged me instead, so we spent about 3 minutes snuggling as well. There are plenty of worthy news this morning, but I will be brief (for obvious reasons): Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, TMZ had learned - gosh, what a surprise! Fergie covers her baby bump "in kooky patterns" - yea, good luck to this kid. Kim Kardashian's pregnancy might be ruining her hair - that one I did not hear yet. Bieber thanked his fans via twitter after Kids Choice Award, and Selena Gomez was seen hugging his friend during the ceremony - listen, moron journalists, they broke up! So, let them hug and kiss whatever moron or moronette they want! Kate, meanwhile, was out and about, proudly showing off her bump, so, the people in the know decided to compare her style to that of Diana and Fergie - um, cretins, that's like 30 years apart, and styles changed! She also seems to still favor hills - good luck to her! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 21

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is once again, well, not spring-y, and there were rumors flying yesterday that Phil committed suicide. The crazy upstairs is still quiet - hurray for meds! (Or did someone sneak in and break her vacuum cleaner again?) Last night George decided to snuggle in with me, which resulted in 2 nice scratches on my arm - Baby Bro claims that it was his attempt at mutual grooming, a sign of love in the cat world. Sniffles is still avoiding the top of the fridge for now and is looking for alternative spots to warm up and meditate. Our Pathetic Excuse of a President arrived in Israel yesterday and began his tour in a limo that broke down in the middle of the road - my sources claim that Israeli TV is having a field day; well, couldn't happen to a nicer person. And Dennis Rodman, our recent ambassador of peace to North Korea, appeared on Leno Tuesday night wearing light blue training pants, t-shirt, and ladies black jacket with pink flowers and pink faux fur trim - don't blame me, I am just a messenger. Kardashian Baby is currently trending at #5 - his daddy Kanye decided on a name North, so the future kid, which, buy some reports is a girl, would be named North West. At #6 - Seth MacFarlane splits with his girlfriend. Was his hosting of the Oscars that bad that she decided to call it quits? A cop in Michigan got a shock of his life when he opened the trunk of a car and the deer jumped out of it; the driver said he thought the deer was dead, and he was taking it home to feed his family. Good going, deer! Bradley Cooper, "the sexiest man alive", was photographed with pink curlers in his hair - please insert your own pithy comment here. Drake Bell (whoever the dickens he is) "dissed" Bieber on Twitter; Bieber did not respond, but his fans did, proving once again that our concerns for the future generations are well-founded. In the Kate news: "The mama-to-be was spotted browsing the Séraphine maternity brand Wednesday evening at Peter Jones department store in London." According to the sources, she liked a plain, but elegant black dress which retails for only 55 bucks - capitalism rocks! Also, people are "excited to hear she may soon start showing more" - which line I will shove down the throat of the next person who would dare to tell me that I don't have a life. No coffee this morning as roommate forgot to buy milk - DD in the not too distant future.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy First Day of Spring! I think Phil got scared a bit, and the weather improved - well, at least it's sunny. The crazy upstairs is quiet again for the second day - I think the medication is working. Georgie is slumbering in the cat house - gorgeous ginger sphinx. Sniffles got me a bit worried yesterday as he appeared to be under the weather - upon which he decided to prove me wrong by running around the apartment for the next 2 hours like a demented stag, and this morning created an almighty stir in the kitchen by dropping the hot water urn from the top of the fridge (no urns, cats, humans, or fridge magnets were hurt). My personal fave: the "assault weapons" ban failed - eat that, Feinstein! This morning the public was offered to see Lindsay Lohan's mugshot #6 - thanks, but no thanks. The lawsuit against Dr. Oz is trending at #3 right now: the good doctor is being sued by "a New Jersey man who claims that an insomnia cure promoted on The Dr. Oz Show resulted in third-degree burns on his feet" - and here I thought all the fatsos finally organized and sued his butt off for calling us the biggest threat to US national security. At #5: "The state Department of Natural Resources will shot down one of Wisconsin's nude beaches on weekdays to reduce illicit activities taking place on the sandbar and in nearby woods" - duh!! What do you expect next to a nude beach - evangelical choir practices? And at #1: "Ashley Judd Wows in Teal Dress at Olympus Has Fallen Premier" - earth-shattering indeed to deserve the first spot! The new Pope likes informality: so when he made his first call to Vatican, the receptionist thought it was a prank and answered something to the tune of "yes, and I am Napoleon"; I sort of feel sorry for the dude (the receptionist, not the Pope). Interesting news from Greece (no, not the austerity or banking collapse): one of their islands brews some kind of special coffee that promotes longevity. I don't care about any kind of methods, special or otherwise: cook the brew and pass it around - it might even protect us from Obamacare. Tina Fey decided to make fun of Sarah Palin once again - what's wrong, Tina? EW did not mention you for the last month or two? 30 Rock ended? What exactly prompted this need to once again revive your career by making fun of somebody smarter and better than you? And this just in: "Justin Bieber vs. Selena Gomez: Fans Takes Sides After 'Letterman' Diss"! And once again: they deserved each other and their idiotic fans. We, on the other hand, do not deserve such huge bunch of moronic teenagers. The latest from Kardashians: "Whoa! Look How Big Kid Kardashian's Baby Bump Has Got This Week!" Once more, spare me! Kate Middleton's uncle Gary gave an interview to the Hello magazine, claiming, among other things, that when he first met William, he thought that Will and Kate would make a great couple - I guess the local Jewish chevra can persuade him to moonlight as a shadchan. His happily pregnant niece, meanwhile, took a short trip on the tube together with her grandma-in-law. Kate was also given a pin that says "Baby on Board", which, apparently, preggos are encouraged to wear on the tube so that the decent peeps will know for sure that the dudess is pregnant and not fat, and would give up their seat - nice thought, that. Wondering if it really works in London - a city overrun by barbarians as much as our fair city of New York. Coffee this morning in my huge Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 18

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is wintry once again - Punxsutawney Phil, you better hide from my wrath! Sniffles came to snuggle this morning, got bored, and decided to chew on the blanket - continuing from where he left off last time. This morning both of them were laying in wait by the time I got out of the bathroom - an interesting pyramid of fluff and expectant yellow eyes. It took me a little while to figure out that they wanted to be fed. Speaking of which, oh Beloved Pets - why do I have fresh scratches on my left shoulder? Signs of love? "Daniel Radcliffe's image as Harry Potter is fading" - well, fans have short attention spans. Plus, to me he never looked like Harry - sue me! The rumors about Emma Watson starring in 50 Shades of Grey made another round (I guess people have nothing better to do) - which interesting fact is currently trending at #6. She squashed those pesky rumors once again - but not to preserve her "wholesome image", because her latest movie, The Bling Ring, is anything but wholesome. In the History Channel's miniseries The Bible the Devil bears a striking resemblance to Comrade Hussein - too much honor (to Hussein, not the Devil). In the news of fashion: Khloe Kardashian had a "wardrobe snafu" - her dress ripped right before the opening of the X-Factor. Jessica Biel, Jennifer Hudson, and J. Lo all wore the same "nude" dress - not at the same time, though. Ladies, please fire your wardrobe designers, assistants, or whoever - that dress looks like somebody stole granny's lace tablecloth and draped it over your unmentionables. Kim Kardashian also wore lace - black maternity dress, which produced mixed reactions in me as well. David Hasselhoff is currently trending at #10 - he was protesting the removal of the last of the Berlin wall (some enterprising souls actually want to build apartments there). Dude, you are a moron! People have short memories, and whenever that wall will be in the museum, or remain where it stands - they will still hate Americans, won't remember how precious freedom is, or who Ronald Reagan was. So, chill and let the builders build. On the Kate front: her hill got stuck in the grate during the St. Patrick's Day parade - said news currently trending at # 9, I kid you not! Also, she claimed she has no idea whom she is having, but is hoping for a boy - while Will would like a girl. Well, that's unusual, in my experience - usually during the first pregnancy the mother wants a girl, and the father wants a boy - and only after the baby's arrival do they change their minds. Also, "The pregnant Duchess is craving 'chocolate, biscuits and cake'", and the proud parents to be call their baby "Our Little Grape" -aw! That one I never heard before. And, finally, in the Bieber news - he is loving Paris, toured the Eiffel Tower with a bunch of "friends", and "had his arm around this cute girl" - I guess his "bad stretch" is over. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug - hello, LA, the capital of fruits and nuts!

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 13

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is very nice for a NY March day - broke out the flippies yesterday. Georgie is lounging on my bed again. Earlier he made himself comfortable in the recycling box (as is his costume), and Sniffles decided to ambush him - old coot acquitted himself handsomely, and the young hooligan was forced to retreat. Yesterday's outing to Stop and Shop ended up without incident, and all the purchases safely reached my apartment. And here is what's trending at #1 right now: Miley Cyrus is "very, very much apart" from the love of her life (even though she got engaged to him earlier this year) - it looks like he did not like her new "wilder" look and also has been spotted with January Jones. Interesting way to cope, but than, I am not a dude. And at #8 - Elin Nordegren is rebounding with an older dude who is even richer than her ex - good for you, Elin! At #10 - Lamar and Khloe found "puppy love" - as in they got a new puppy. Well, as Kardashian news go, that's fine - because, again, nobody used 4-letter words and everyone remained dressed. And the Catholic faithful are waiting in vain for the second day - no new Pope yet. I feel for them, but fail to understand why is everyone else so interested in this. Supermodel and former Victoria's Secret "Angel" Karolina Kurkhova admitted that her belly button was always photo-shopped - Lord, give me patience! Belly button?!!! And then idiots wonder why girls have problems with their bodies, and guys have "slightly" unrealistic expectations. In the same vein: sushi is not as "healthy" as you think - which, once again, makes me repeat my favorite mantra: Enjoy food, because life is too effin short! Mark Kelly's monumental hypocrisy actually made headlines in the "regular news" - wow! And Lady Gaga is stepping out in style after her hip surgery: she got herself a costume-made wheelchair, which "features tufted calf leather, a removable leather canopy, and gold-plated wheels and hardware" - hum, interesting. New rumors about Kate: British papers claim that she is "at war" with Harry's new girlfriend Cressida Bonas, and that the rivalry is pretty long-standing and comes from the times when Kate was "competing" with Cressida's older sister for William's attention - historical fictions have nothing on real life, let me tell you! Also from the royal family - Prince Charles feels old while thinking about his future grand-kid - you are old, you bloody ass! And the British "boy band" One Direction (never heard of them before) sent their support to Bieber via Twitter, because they are amongst the few people in the world who understand his hardships - aw...where is the spittoon when one needs it?! Coffee this morning in my huge Pooh mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 12

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is rainy blah, but at least it's not cold. Happy Rosh Chodesh Nissan! Ladies, I would love to once again remind you that it's our holiday, so no hard work, but I know it would fall on death ears as we have (excluding Shabat itself) 10 days till Shabat HaGadol. So, please make sure your husbands give you extra special gifts today! To paraphrase Sheldon Cooper - DST, thou art a heartless bastard! Can't fall asleep at night, can't wake up in the morning, damn it! Speaking of mornings - today I awoke to the sight of George in the cat house (good for you, kittie!), and Sniffles on top of the entertainment center (for the first time), disdainfully looking down at me with his hutzbaniak yellow eyes. The crazy upstairs is at it again - I guess meds did not work. Guess what's trading at #1 right now? "Kourtney Kardashain cries." - yep, you read it right. She cried after Scott Disick (whoever that is) called her fat. At least he did not call her the biggest threat to our national security, a la Dr. Oz and parteigenosse Michelle. Speaking of which - still did not get a response from her re: my belated birthday bash and Bond performing there with Hayle. Ellen DeGeneres is trending at #8 right now because her show was renewed for another 3 years - yippee? Cardinals in Rome are preparing to elect another Pope - another yippee? Olivia Wilde "decided" to do a risque scene in her new movie - she was convinced that her character should go skinny-dipping. Oh, give me a break - artistic decision, my coccyx! Another important part of Hollywood history: Keither Sutherland used to be roommates with Robert Downey Jr., and Lindsay Lohan used to share a pad with Raven Simone - the tidbits of history so much more important to posess in your knowledge as opposed to the names of at least 4 signers of the Declaration of Independence. And Breaking News from Iran: "Image of Ahmadinejad consoling Chavez’s mother angers Iranian clerics"! "Ahmadinejad in photo scandal"! "Ahmadinejad in hot water over "sinful" photo"! - insert your own jokes and pithy comments here at your leisure. In Kate news: she and hubby are renovating a more private house in preparations for the baby's arrival. The twist? That's the same estate where Charles "conducted his affair" with Camilla! Honestly, in Will's place, I would get nauseated just thinking about it, not renovate it for the future kid! And, finally, in Bieber news: his manager claims that "there's nothing wrong with him"; Jada Pinkett Smith claims that media is bullying him; and, finally - drum roll please! - his mom wants to be the next "Bachelorette" - which, I think, explains a lot. Coffee this morning in my personalized mug from Hershey Park.