MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy First Day of Spring! I think Phil got scared a bit, and the weather improved - well, at least it's sunny. The crazy upstairs is quiet again for the second day - I think the medication is working. Georgie is slumbering in the cat house - gorgeous ginger sphinx. Sniffles got me a bit worried yesterday as he appeared to be under the weather - upon which he decided to prove me wrong by running around the apartment for the next 2 hours like a demented stag, and this morning created an almighty stir in the kitchen by dropping the hot water urn from the top of the fridge (no urns, cats, humans, or fridge magnets were hurt). My personal fave: the "assault weapons" ban failed - eat that, Feinstein! This morning the public was offered to see Lindsay Lohan's mugshot #6 - thanks, but no thanks. The lawsuit against Dr. Oz is trending at #3 right now: the good doctor is being sued by "a New Jersey man who claims that an insomnia cure promoted on The Dr. Oz Show resulted in third-degree burns on his feet" - and here I thought all the fatsos finally organized and sued his butt off for calling us the biggest threat to US national security. At #5: "The state Department of Natural Resources will shot down one of Wisconsin's nude beaches on weekdays to reduce illicit activities taking place on the sandbar and in nearby woods" - duh!! What do you expect next to a nude beach - evangelical choir practices? And at #1: "Ashley Judd Wows in Teal Dress at Olympus Has Fallen Premier" - earth-shattering indeed to deserve the first spot! The new Pope likes informality: so when he made his first call to Vatican, the receptionist thought it was a prank and answered something to the tune of "yes, and I am Napoleon"; I sort of feel sorry for the dude (the receptionist, not the Pope). Interesting news from Greece (no, not the austerity or banking collapse): one of their islands brews some kind of special coffee that promotes longevity. I don't care about any kind of methods, special or otherwise: cook the brew and pass it around - it might even protect us from Obamacare. Tina Fey decided to make fun of Sarah Palin once again - what's wrong, Tina? EW did not mention you for the last month or two? 30 Rock ended? What exactly prompted this need to once again revive your career by making fun of somebody smarter and better than you? And this just in: "Justin Bieber vs. Selena Gomez: Fans Takes Sides After 'Letterman' Diss"! And once again: they deserved each other and their idiotic fans. We, on the other hand, do not deserve such huge bunch of moronic teenagers. The latest from Kardashians: "Whoa! Look How Big Kid Kardashian's Baby Bump Has Got This Week!" Once more, spare me! Kate Middleton's uncle Gary gave an interview to the Hello magazine, claiming, among other things, that when he first met William, he thought that Will and Kate would make a great couple - I guess the local Jewish chevra can persuade him to moonlight as a shadchan. His happily pregnant niece, meanwhile, took a short trip on the tube together with her grandma-in-law. Kate was also given a pin that says "Baby on Board", which, apparently, preggos are encouraged to wear on the tube so that the decent peeps will know for sure that the dudess is pregnant and not fat, and would give up their seat - nice thought, that. Wondering if it really works in London - a city overrun by barbarians as much as our fair city of New York. Coffee this morning in my huge Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 18

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is wintry once again - Punxsutawney Phil, you better hide from my wrath! Sniffles came to snuggle this morning, got bored, and decided to chew on the blanket - continuing from where he left off last time. This morning both of them were laying in wait by the time I got out of the bathroom - an interesting pyramid of fluff and expectant yellow eyes. It took me a little while to figure out that they wanted to be fed. Speaking of which, oh Beloved Pets - why do I have fresh scratches on my left shoulder? Signs of love? "Daniel Radcliffe's image as Harry Potter is fading" - well, fans have short attention spans. Plus, to me he never looked like Harry - sue me! The rumors about Emma Watson starring in 50 Shades of Grey made another round (I guess people have nothing better to do) - which interesting fact is currently trending at #6. She squashed those pesky rumors once again - but not to preserve her "wholesome image", because her latest movie, The Bling Ring, is anything but wholesome. In the History Channel's miniseries The Bible the Devil bears a striking resemblance to Comrade Hussein - too much honor (to Hussein, not the Devil). In the news of fashion: Khloe Kardashian had a "wardrobe snafu" - her dress ripped right before the opening of the X-Factor. Jessica Biel, Jennifer Hudson, and J. Lo all wore the same "nude" dress - not at the same time, though. Ladies, please fire your wardrobe designers, assistants, or whoever - that dress looks like somebody stole granny's lace tablecloth and draped it over your unmentionables. Kim Kardashian also wore lace - black maternity dress, which produced mixed reactions in me as well. David Hasselhoff is currently trending at #10 - he was protesting the removal of the last of the Berlin wall (some enterprising souls actually want to build apartments there). Dude, you are a moron! People have short memories, and whenever that wall will be in the museum, or remain where it stands - they will still hate Americans, won't remember how precious freedom is, or who Ronald Reagan was. So, chill and let the builders build. On the Kate front: her hill got stuck in the grate during the St. Patrick's Day parade - said news currently trending at # 9, I kid you not! Also, she claimed she has no idea whom she is having, but is hoping for a boy - while Will would like a girl. Well, that's unusual, in my experience - usually during the first pregnancy the mother wants a girl, and the father wants a boy - and only after the baby's arrival do they change their minds. Also, "The pregnant Duchess is craving 'chocolate, biscuits and cake'", and the proud parents to be call their baby "Our Little Grape" -aw! That one I never heard before. And, finally, in the Bieber news - he is loving Paris, toured the Eiffel Tower with a bunch of "friends", and "had his arm around this cute girl" - I guess his "bad stretch" is over. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug - hello, LA, the capital of fruits and nuts!

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 1

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! Happy 1st of March! The weather outside is a bit bla, but not that bad. The crazy upstairs is quiet again - I think I really should call the police. The dreaded meteor recently missed DC - every time I gaze at the ugly mug of the beloved leader, I feel like saying "major, major bummer!" Prince William is trending at #3 right now: he rescued a couple from a Welsh mountain - good for him! However, there were no news on his wife's pregnancy. Right underneath the Prince, at #4, is Tiger Woods, because somebody got a shot of his bare feet - no joke, people! Then there is the list of unusual wedding dresses, like SJP's black one, or Liz Taylor's yellow. There was also some kind of bio-degradable dress made out of something horrible-sounding, and which you can dissolve in water after ceremony - I guess no heirloom keepsake for your daughter. There was also a dress that lights up when bride's heart starts palpitating, and, most importantly - there is a yearly contest for the wedding dresses made out of toilet paper! Last year's winner only took ten rolls - who said romance is dead?!! Happy Birthday to Bieber - who is turning 19 today! Wow! Of course, in honor of his birthday he stepped out in an outfit that somebody supposedly dared him to wear - yea, yea, yea. Americans' usage of coupons dropped last year, because they can't find coupons for the products they want - and here I thought it was because they simply had less money to spend on anything. Interesting prediction: if an American model graces the cover of SI swimsuit issue, we are going to have a bull market this year - wow, even for SI we need an American in order to have a good economic year; needless to say, we need an American in the White House as well. And, finally, a new study shows that pessimists live longer and healthier lives - another bummer. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.