MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 8

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is magnificent! George and Sniffles continue their hunt in the kitchen - the hunting zone was expanded to include the shelves and the surrounding area. "British actress Emma Watson gained a new respect for strippers after learning to pole dance for new movie The Bling Ring"; she also took her lessons "while studying literature at Britain's prestigious Oxford University" - good for you, Emma! Nice going...Dennis Rodman is trending at #2 right now because he was fired from the Celebrity Apprentice - oh, come on! The dude just went to North Korea as an ambassador, for effs sake! Give him some respect! Jenna Jameson is trending at #3 due to her being charged with battery - I guess all those pole dancing classes paid off in her case. Beyonce and Jay-Z celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary in Cuba - awww; the only problem is - they eventually came back. Duck Dynasty stars went "glam" for the ACM awards - go, rednecks! Too bad they did not bring their guns with them. Julian Lennon, John's son, just turned 50 - hell, do I feel old! Hollywood Life can show me how to get Kourtney Kardashian's glam braids in 5 minutes - thanks, but no, thanks. Also according to this august publication, Bieber got a new "sexy" haircut as a fresh start after Selena - oh, give me a break! That is how dude deals with a broken heart today?!! And, finally, US weekly, another intellectual publication, run a spread titled "Kate Middleton's Royal Pregnancy Style: How the Duchess Is Dressing Her Baby Bump" - frankly, all I could see was a succession of coats and jackets, plus a whole bunch of boots and gorgeous high heeled shoes. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 5

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather situation is still improving - well, it's only April 5. The crazy upstairs is back with a vengeance. Emma Watson claims that if anyone wants to woo and romance her, they better stay away from Harry Potter and Hermione Granger references - makes perfect sense! Why remind a talentless actress about the origins of her claim to fame? "Rachel McAdams hair" is trending at #2 right now - because she dyed her hair red "post-breakup with Michael Sheen". Well, if you asked me, she looks her best as a brunette. And speaking of dark locks: the latest study reveals that men prefer brunets to blonds, claiming that they (dark-haired chicks) are deeper and more loving - too many blond jokes affected their opinion? And at #4: Madonna's daughter is dating! Honestly don't know what to say about that one. Post office clerk is one of the 10 "doomed" jobs in USA - no kidding, Sherlock! There are also 17 ways to be happier at work - I think at this point it's only 1: "thank Gd I still have a job". And people in Maine are trying to steal sap from maple trees for the syrup - enterprising. "Kardashian's maternity woes prompt a style lesson" - poor Kim took a lot of abuse from tabloids over her maternity style, which allowed another preggo stylist to write a whole article about what preggos should and should not wear. "Five schools in Norway have been forced to alter their exam dates out of fear that students won`t be able to focus when Justin Bieber comes to town to perform" - good going, Vikings, good going! Socialism, cow-towing to muslims, and now this?!! Will was "snubbed" by one of his 4-year old fans who at first demanded a kiss from him, and then changed her mind - yea, getting kissed at the age of 4 is generally yikes, so, I don't know why she wanted one to begin with. And, finally, Kate talked about her pregnancy, telling that her friends keep texting her baby name suggestions, that she and Will have a short list of names for both a boy and a girl, and that the baby is due in mid-July - at which point the world would finally find out the sex and the name of the baby. Coffee this morning in my green Target mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 4

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is supposed to be improving and getting warm - we may even hit 60 next week! Again, I'll believe it when I see it. Sniffles takes every opportunity he gets to climb in the cat house; George was issued a new Amazon box, which he is enjoying presently. One enterprising real estate agent (ours, of course) calculated that the approximate value of Hogwarts castle in today's market would be $204,102,000 - well, we can always redistribute the homes of every single eco-hypocrite like Gore, Di Caprio, Streisand, et al, and come up with the needed sum in no time. Reese Witherspoon is currently trending at #7 because she went brunette - shocking indeed, as we have grown so accustomed to her sun-kissed locks. Hayden Panettiere, meanwhile, got in the news because she "sparks breast implants rumors" - I wonder who is more interested in this, men or women. JWoww, the godmother of Snooki's son Lorenzo, gave him a "surprising gift" - she started a college fund for him. Well, considering the combined IQ of Lorenzo's parents, I think the gift is a tad premature - but then you have to take into account the pathetic state of our educational system, and the offering looks very appropriate and quite generous. An artist recently created Lohan's portrait using stuff he found in the trash - I kid you not! He claims to love Lindsay, and hopes that, as a person who loves controversy, she would also love his work. NBC made it official that Jay Leno will "step down" next spring - I guess the dude dared to go too much off script by occasionally criticizing comrade Hussein, which, of course, in NBC book is worst than treason. And speaking about going off script - Vera Wang introduced black wedding gowns a little while ago, and the trend seems to have caught on. I wonder what would a black wedding gown represent - Cruella DeVill's statement about marriage ruining more women than all the natural disasters combined? Chris Brown in a recent radio interview said that he is praying for Justin Bieber, and also claimed that he and Bieber have their treatment by the media in common - to paraphrase a popular book, Freud would commit suicide trying to deal with this. Kim Kardashian would not attend first day of her divorce trial because she has to be in NY promoting her new perfume - would dearly love to know what Freud would make out of this charming tableau. And, finally, Kate and hubs "kick off two-day charity tour of Scotland" where Kate looked "stunning" in tartan coat and high-heeled black boots - happy trails, kids! Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is a bit on the chilly side for NY April, which reminds me - once again forgot to claim my godiva freeby for march, damn it! George decided to be my secretary for the duration of Yom Tov and tried to answer the house phone; Sniffles is enjoying his favorite warm pipe. Guess what's trending at #1 right now? Suri Cruise's haircut! It looks like she did what any normal kid would do: she cut her own bangs - and that, my friends, made the headlines! Emma Watson is still afraid of being typecast as Hermione (her newer, "edgier" roles note-withstanding), so, she decided to "grace" the GQ cover "channeling Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman" - typecast, schmypecast, how about a little self-respect? And (it goes without saying) our dear self-proclaimed defenders of our rights as women somehow are never bothered by this. Another guess (which came this morning in my e-mail box) - what was Hollywood's best kept secret? Again, you will never guess. It seems that for the last 7 years they were developing origami condoms - in the hopes that the improved model would encourage the use of this particular product. And a woman in California quit her "9 to 5 job" and became a professional mermaid - here is to following your dreams! Also, surprise of surprises: comrade Hussein has a "spiritual adviser" who recently described his (Hussein's) "daily christian walk" - heck, I need more than one spittoon as can never find one when I need it. "People who are in regular contact with" Bieber claim that he is acting out because of his heartbreak - um, dude, here is a hint: acting like a demented loon in need of psych meds usually guarantees that your lady fair will run in the opposite direction like crazy, not come back to you. Although we are speaking of Selena Gomez here, so, all bets are off. Khloe Kardashian's hubby was accused of running a fraudulent charity - well, at least he is not a Kardashian by birth, so, I guess, the family can still hold their heads high. And, finally, Kate is scheduled to "attend the National Review of Queen's Scouts at Windsor Castle" after which she will join her grandma-in-law for a birthday tea - the world is agog at the anticipation of her outfit for this occasion. Coffee this morning in my San Francisco latte mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 25

Good (almost) morning, peeps! Happy Monday! Happy Erev Pesach! Snow on Erev Pesach - Phil, be very happy that I am not allowed to own Smith and Wesson! Sniffles worked as a mashgiach yesterday, making sure everything was done according to the strictest rules; George joined him later. Also, this morning I was entertained in the laundromat by a fight between American-born and imported barbarians - I delight, I am telling you, sheer delight! I will dispense with my usual news report today as, honestly, have no time to check everything. But it had come to my attention that people are using wrong ingredients for this holiday - people, be very careful and please keep track! Coffee this morning in disposable cup from local DD.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! I actually did not feel like getting out of bed this morning because I was cold - but Phil's latest excuse is that if we relied on the predictions of a groundhog, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Where is that Ohio DA again? George kept coming to snuggle last night, and this morning Sniffles jumped on my desk; I picked him up in order to put him down, and he hugged me instead, so we spent about 3 minutes snuggling as well. There are plenty of worthy news this morning, but I will be brief (for obvious reasons): Lindsay Lohan is still drinking, TMZ had learned - gosh, what a surprise! Fergie covers her baby bump "in kooky patterns" - yea, good luck to this kid. Kim Kardashian's pregnancy might be ruining her hair - that one I did not hear yet. Bieber thanked his fans via twitter after Kids Choice Award, and Selena Gomez was seen hugging his friend during the ceremony - listen, moron journalists, they broke up! So, let them hug and kiss whatever moron or moronette they want! Kate, meanwhile, was out and about, proudly showing off her bump, so, the people in the know decided to compare her style to that of Diana and Fergie - um, cretins, that's like 30 years apart, and styles changed! She also seems to still favor hills - good luck to her! Coffee this morning in my Aruba mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy First Day of Spring! I think Phil got scared a bit, and the weather improved - well, at least it's sunny. The crazy upstairs is quiet again for the second day - I think the medication is working. Georgie is slumbering in the cat house - gorgeous ginger sphinx. Sniffles got me a bit worried yesterday as he appeared to be under the weather - upon which he decided to prove me wrong by running around the apartment for the next 2 hours like a demented stag, and this morning created an almighty stir in the kitchen by dropping the hot water urn from the top of the fridge (no urns, cats, humans, or fridge magnets were hurt). My personal fave: the "assault weapons" ban failed - eat that, Feinstein! This morning the public was offered to see Lindsay Lohan's mugshot #6 - thanks, but no thanks. The lawsuit against Dr. Oz is trending at #3 right now: the good doctor is being sued by "a New Jersey man who claims that an insomnia cure promoted on The Dr. Oz Show resulted in third-degree burns on his feet" - and here I thought all the fatsos finally organized and sued his butt off for calling us the biggest threat to US national security. At #5: "The state Department of Natural Resources will shot down one of Wisconsin's nude beaches on weekdays to reduce illicit activities taking place on the sandbar and in nearby woods" - duh!! What do you expect next to a nude beach - evangelical choir practices? And at #1: "Ashley Judd Wows in Teal Dress at Olympus Has Fallen Premier" - earth-shattering indeed to deserve the first spot! The new Pope likes informality: so when he made his first call to Vatican, the receptionist thought it was a prank and answered something to the tune of "yes, and I am Napoleon"; I sort of feel sorry for the dude (the receptionist, not the Pope). Interesting news from Greece (no, not the austerity or banking collapse): one of their islands brews some kind of special coffee that promotes longevity. I don't care about any kind of methods, special or otherwise: cook the brew and pass it around - it might even protect us from Obamacare. Tina Fey decided to make fun of Sarah Palin once again - what's wrong, Tina? EW did not mention you for the last month or two? 30 Rock ended? What exactly prompted this need to once again revive your career by making fun of somebody smarter and better than you? And this just in: "Justin Bieber vs. Selena Gomez: Fans Takes Sides After 'Letterman' Diss"! And once again: they deserved each other and their idiotic fans. We, on the other hand, do not deserve such huge bunch of moronic teenagers. The latest from Kardashians: "Whoa! Look How Big Kid Kardashian's Baby Bump Has Got This Week!" Once more, spare me! Kate Middleton's uncle Gary gave an interview to the Hello magazine, claiming, among other things, that when he first met William, he thought that Will and Kate would make a great couple - I guess the local Jewish chevra can persuade him to moonlight as a shadchan. His happily pregnant niece, meanwhile, took a short trip on the tube together with her grandma-in-law. Kate was also given a pin that says "Baby on Board", which, apparently, preggos are encouraged to wear on the tube so that the decent peeps will know for sure that the dudess is pregnant and not fat, and would give up their seat - nice thought, that. Wondering if it really works in London - a city overrun by barbarians as much as our fair city of New York. Coffee this morning in my huge Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 15

First, a little introduction: one of my very dear friends has a great coffee mug collection. So, every morning she posts her mug choice on facebook, together with few sentences about her day plans, family news, or something else to that extant. After being unemployed for a number of months, I decided to enter into a friendly competition with her – because between my own shopping, and my Beloved Sibling never claiming some of her stuff after getting married, and yours truly somehow ending up with family stuff after our parents split up...To make the long story short, I got my own decent mug collection.

It started with my mug choices, to which I decided to add the weather report as seen from my window, to which I decided to add occasional pet news, to which I eventually decided to add some pithy comments about “current events” - because, let's face it – the celebrity obsession is, well, idiotic. Low and behold, I got a little “following” - my friends kept telling me that my silly updates made them smile, made their days, offered them something to look forward to. So, I started doing it almost religiously.

And then I thought “why not post them on my blog?”. Of course, being a neurotic Jewess with OCD, I usually have set rules on what goes where and then. But, heck, it's my blog! And while I am trying to simultaneously write about ten “serious” pieces to post here ( and am not able to finish one), my decision to post my morning updates here solidified. Below is the one I wrote on Friday, February 15:

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather, once again, is nice for a February day. Actually tempted to go and check out post-valentine sales. George decided to snack on some napkins yesterday because they came from a burger joint - I guess they smelled like chicken wings and burgers to him. Megyn Kelly is pregnant - which happy occasion is trending at #2. Good luck, Megyn, from the bottom of my heart - because this time it won't just be pictures of baby bumps in cute maternity clothes; it will be a full-blown attack from the self-proclaimed defenders of human rights in general, and female rights in particular. Meteor struck Russia, reportedly injuring more than 500 hundred people - basically, doing only a fraction of the damage that the Russian government does to its citizens on a daily basis. Malia Obama might be dating - I am sure the guy loves his veggies and quinoa; also wondering how much additional security that particular young love would entail. There is also a list of 5 careers to avoid - they forgot to mention any job at the "frum" company, especially if you are a woman. Some celebrities have "strange hobbies": Nicholas Cage collects dinosaur bones, William Shatner likes archery, Mila Kunis is heavy into WarCraft, and Tom Hanks collects old typewriters - I honestly don't give a flying banana on what they spend their money, as long as they keep their (mostly uneducated) traps shot and don't involve themselves in anti-American activities, politics, and envirowacoism. Speaking of which, Jolie and Pitt are about to release their first wine next month - the previous statement applies. "Kris Humphries' lawyer reportedly sacked the star as his client" - because according to the lawyer, there were no legal grounds for the annulment of his marriage to Kim K.; and, in case you were wondering, this is your latest in Kardashain news. Kate, on the other hand, seems to be hiding again from the public - can't say I blame her. Bieber is, once again, absent - is he quietly searching for a new girlfriend? Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.