MORNING UPDATE - March 28, 2014

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! According to my phone, it's 51 degrees outside - wow! I mean - wow! Should have known it was getting positively HOT when Sniff got off the radiator. Both he and George are now peacefully snoozing on my bed - a rare show of camaraderie.
The crazy upstairs woke up, defrosted, got over the absence of water, and is now vigorously performing her usual routine.
Recently I saw a woman who uses more salt than I do - now, that is an achievement!
Currently trending at #1 is Lara Spencer - whom I recognized only by her picture. Anyway, she "Finalized New Deal To Stay On 'Good Morning, America'" - rejoice, oh lovers of circuses!
Trending at #5 is Disney World - only to remind you that you can vacation there! Sadists!
Selena Gomez is at #7 as she was "subpoenaed to testify in Justin Bieber lawsuit". The plot thickens.
Ryan Gosling is at #9 because he "Makes Pumping Gas Look Hot". In the present economic situation anyone who can afford to pump gas might look hot, plus, I never understood people who thought Gosling was - hot, that is.
Out of 5 fastest growing cities in America, 3 are in Texas - good job, Rick Perry! Plus, Orlando is growing too - "Mickey Mouse is making a comeback".
"What the Paltrow-Martin divorce might look like" - who the hell gives a flying banana?!!
The #1 counterfeit product in America are handbags and wallets - well, duh! I could have told you that without going into lengthy statistical data.
"Crimea's tourism industry in doubt" - well, duh again!
"Canadians Will Get a Taco Bell Breakfast Menu If and Only If They Take Justin Bieber Back" - I can't personally vouch for the tastiness of Taco Bell's fare, but, hey, whatever works!
And, finally, Kim Kardashian met Kate's wedding dress designer - um, good luck trying, Kim!
Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - AUGUST 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is on the rainy side, but still not bad for August.
Russian neighbours rock - they play music at interesting hours and entertain with their everyday conversations.
George, as usual, is sleeping on my bed.
Sniff was looking at his food a bit too intently this morning, and I was wondering if he started to question the freshness of it as well as his roommate. But Baby Bro postulated that he is probably taken to emulating his mistress and praying before partaking of a meal.
Currently trending at #1: Matthew McConaughey, because he "shines in Dallas Buyers Club Trailer" - a worthy reason to shot up to the top.
Trending at #2: Lamar Odom. The latest on this worthy individual: he is not missing; he is in hiding; there are also speculations about his NBA career - all extremely fascinating stuff, I tell you.
Amber Valetta "credits her entire career to haircut" - at least it was something above her neck, and not below.
Jessica Simpson showed off first two pictures of her new baby - and so the trend continues.
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are separated - I feel old, because I still remember them getting married, and that was 13 years ago.
"Rare $2,500 chicken is the "Lamborghini of Poultry" - oh, holy mackerel! I really don't want to know anymore.
Gwyneth Paltrow exercises with a broom, and that's what keeps her in that terrific shape she is in - oh, what an insult to witches that is!
The newest picture of Kate is now making different waves, claiming that she is just another celebrity who got her figure back after only one month of having a baby, and that sends negative message to women everywhere - if women everywhere, and especially their significant others, place that much stock in celebrity photos, I pity them and their progeny.
Coffee this morning in my Disney Mini Bean Bag mug with Mickey and Friends - not to be confused with Disney Mini Bean Bag mug with Pooh and Friends.

MORNING UPDATE - JUNE 27

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is - well, it's summer in New York, hell damn fart!
Sniff was running around last night - which he stopped doing since the beginning of the heat wave. He also got a new box - courtesy of Amazon selling 36 rolls of toilet paper (no need to worry about local barbarians stealing it). So, this morning Sniff was familiarizing himself with the new toy. And now both of them are sleeping in my room in their usual designated spots.
Someone finally switched the TV in our laundromat from ABC to Nick Jr. - and as much as Nick Jr. is a bunch of stupidity, the ability of not seeing the moronettes on the View is vastly appealing.
According to Ina, you can't make meringues in rainy or humid weather - it's sunny and clear, ladies! Let's make meringues! Because that's the first thought that pops into your mind on sunny and clear day!
Happy Birthday, Dobby! I wish your spirit would rub off on people from my step-mama country who can't appreciate the freedom they were granted!
Emma Watson claims that she owns only 8 pair of shoes - give me a break! Even I have that much! That stunning revelation, by the way, came after Emma was supposedly shocked when she saw the contents of Paris Hilton's closet. Who cares about the contents of either of their closets?!!!
Gwyneth Paltrow is trending at #3 because she was "flaunting" her "hot body" in "sexy lingerie" - at least she was not advising anyone on government policy.
Stanford, CA was proclaimed the smartest city in the US - New York did not make the list. But what surprises me the most is that any place from California made it on this list to begin with.
Kristen Bell proposed to the father of her baby via Twitter - aw, how sweet! Apparently, she could only do that after DOMA "was struck down" - what is it, another idiocy a la Brad Pitt?
Kris Jenner showed the picture of baby Kim, and even haters have to agree that she was an adorable baby - almost all babies are adorable, idiots! Unfortunately, that rarely translates into adulthood.
A farmer in Washington is feeding his pigs pot - the craving for bacon among some of the people I know just intensified 
Justin Bieber's monkey is about to be released from quarantine in the German Zoo - unfortunately, the Bieber itself not quarantined from the general population.
And, finally, the renovations on Kensington Palace that were done in anticipation of Kate's baby cost British taxpayers around 1.5 million bucks - hum, Brits, if you think that's a lot of lettuce, do you want to exchange? We could send you Hussein and Michelle, and you can send them on vacations, and we will pay for Will and Kate's house.
Coffee this morning in my white glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather is beautiful - enjoying it as much as possible! The effin Food Network is doing their cinco de maya special - flipped a bird, waved my American flag, and turned them off. This morning my dear pet, aka Sniff, hissed at me 3 times while I was trying to free his claws from my sheet. George is making circles around windows - he can't figure which one he loves the most, as his fave one is blocked by the a/c. This morning I was trying to violate Bloomberg's edicts in the laundromat - was blasting the soundtrack from Batman Begins and some classical numbers in order to drown The View blaring from the laundry's TV. Daniel Radcliffe claimed that Frankenstein was the best script he ever read - I don't know which one he read, but HP scripts definitely sucked, so almost anything could be better than that. Barbie is attacked again for not looking like real women - why attack the poor doll?!! Just look at any magazine cover, movie, commercial, tv show, what have you - do any of these women look real?!! Only in the eyes of men. So, let the kids play, for pete's sake! Unemployment rate is at 4 year low - who run their stats, Penny from the Bin Bang Theory? Actually, my apologies to Penny - she is at least honest, unlike the politicians and their flunkies, who lie without any concept of embarrassment. Jennifer Lawrence risked it and went on the red carpet without make up - congrats, Jennifer! You are a real hero - more so than our ladies serving in the military! Poor Gwyneth - apparently, it's difficult for ordinary people to relate to her because of her lifestyle - duh!!! She also had a lot of terrible times in her marriage, suffered a lot, but kept quiet - till she spilled it all in an interview for the entire world to see and emphasize with her. Virgin is going to go high fashion with their uniforms in order to bring glamour back to flying - how about just bringing more leg and butt room, and less money for the tickets? I would take this over stuard in a three-piece suite any day. Bieber stopped his concert in Istanbul in time for the muslim prayer - why the hell is in he playing in a muslim country to begin with? Nothing new on the Kate front. Coffee this morning in my striped glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! Happy Lag B'Omer! The weather is supposed to delight us for the whole week - yay!!! Sniff, however, still likes his pipe; George is trying to wake up Baby Bro with a special brand of pathetic meowing. Daniel Radcliffe now claims that he is unable to shake of the "Harry Potter tag" - yea, Gd forbid you will remember the reason for your undeserved popularity. Emma Watson, meanwhile, "donned shorts" on Friday and browsed in a local furniture store with her "galpals", where later she "made herself comfortable" on a leather chair - I kid you not, that's basically the content of an entire article. Michael Jordan married his girlfriend and celebrated this happy occasion with 2000 guests - mazal tov! If I hear a peep from him about protecting the environment, however - watch out, Michael! Paltrow's "revealing" dress is still very much in the news: she looked hot, she was humiliated, the dress is "defended" - Paltrow and Co, just make up your minds already and move on! "It appears that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are happily Jelena once more" - rejoice, oh stone-death youth of today! There is also a list of 10 things never to say to a single person - printing it out in the unlikely even of socializing and stuffing it down the gullet of the first person who utters anything written there, especially #3 - "stop being so picky". Thank you, Woman's Day! GQ, on the other hand, published a list of 10 books from the 21st century that every man should read - how about we start with baby steps: every man should read books, and not just GQ, Playboy, or the sports section in the paper. Kardashians are vacationing in Greece - enjoy and please stay there! Nothing new on Kate front. Coffee this morning in my huge Pooh mug that Nat gave me.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 25

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather continues to be nice and sunny - even though Sniff is still hugging the pipe in the bathroom. George can't make up his mind between his new amazon box and the coat closet - although this morning he came to snuggle at around 4 am. For those of you concerned with my forgetting to claim my freebies from Godiva - yesterday I got mine for April! Yay! And that's how I was reminded that I forgot to congratulate myself with my professional holiday yesterday - so happy belated professional holiday to me! This morning Access Hollywood was bemoaning the fact that Paltrow got a lot of "snark" for being pronounced the most beautiful woman in the world, especially from NY Post - Post, thank you! Also, she showed "a little skin" at the Iron Man III premier yesterday - lady, you already got your accolades! Show a little self-respect and get dressed! And Miley's daddy looks like he changed his hairdo since I last saw him and grew a strange beard - I guess playing with hair runs in the family. Ina talks about cooking with cheese, and Marc Summers had a whole segment on chocolate addicts' paradise: I wonder why this channel is still transmitting - maybe because White House food censors have bigger fish to fry right now (pun intended). Speaking of which - people "in the know" recommend to splurge on the following "pantry staples": saffron, vanilla beans, infused oils, and balsamic vinegar - yea, people in the know, I think you confused a working person's pantry with the one in the White House. Harry Potter is still working his magic on the economic front - HP experience in Universal Orlando was so popular that they decided to build one in their LA park. Harry and Co - could you please come to us and get rid of our own Voldemort and his bunch here? We will collect all the muggle money you guys might need for this enterprise! W's Presidential library is opening today - congratulations, Mr. President! I disagreed with a lot of your decisions, but you love our country and did the absolute best you could! "8 Proven Ways to Make Your Child Smarter" - why is reading only #6?!! That's the #1 way to make your child smarter - and you in the process! Bieber's tour bus was raided for pot in Stockholm - how original! And, finally, Kate rocked another maternity number and another pair of high heels - plus, according to US Weekly, she also "made an adorable face" - awwwww. Coffee this morning in my personalized NY WB store mug - gosh, do I miss that place!

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is supposed to be amazing today - yippee!!! George is napping on my bed again. Sniffles was caught in the act of chewing on my new flippies - bad cat! Ina is talking about meatloaf, deviled eggs, and cake - the censors are asleep at the wheel once again! Daniel Radcliffe is "tearing himself away" from Harry Potter role - again, hate to be a broken record, but he never looked like Harry to me to begin with. Today show run a segment about why men should date women their own age about 2 hours ago - I wonder how many men are still sitting down and scratching their heads at this one. Gwyneth Paltrow was voted by People magazine as the most beautiful woman in the world - I wonder how many women are still raising their eyebrows at this one. Personally, I invite the staff of People to take a short trip north to the Met and see what real beauty looks like. A school in our neighbouring Garden State banned strapless gowns from their 8th grade prom, claiming that those gowns would be "distracting" for the boys - wow! The first reaction is - stupid asses! The second reaction is - how dumb are you, people?! Straps don't do much in terms of making a dress more or less revealing! The third reaction - did the principle take lessons from our dear cousins or our own nuts? Miley Cyrus and some other star whose name I don't recognized wore the same striped outfit - both looked equally scary in it, so there is no "who wore it best" in my opinion. The first ever item sold on ebay was a broken laser pointer - there is absolutely no accounting for taste. Zuckerberg was the first person on FB - duh! Teachers in UK are banned from using red ink - bloody morons! And, finally, Hollywood Life asked its readers whose maternity style is better - Kate's or Kim's? Ouch! Coffee this morning in my funky clear glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 12

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! Tomorrow is Baby Bro's Bar Mitzva parsha - man, time flies! The weather is rainy and blah-y, but they threatened with sunshine and 60 degrees tomorrow. Ladies, I hope you had a fantastic Rosh Chodesh, did not kill yourselves with housework, and got something sweet from your husbands - sarcasm inserted only partially as yours truly is an eternal optimist. George decided once gain that my bed is a fun place to be and came in this morning to snuggle. Sniff, on the other hand, decided to ignore me - will, at least I was not leaked with his incredibly scratchy tongue. A new French study suggests that wearing a bra is not good for you - I guess the study was sponsored by the 60s feminists who thought it would be more interesting not to burn them, but put a "scientific" stink on them. Gwyneth Paltrow claims that she tried Botox and it made her look like Joan Rivers - just looking at Joan Rivers did not stop her? Somebody who describes herself as "Mexican-American" (an oxymoron in itself) was complaining about the latest issue of Mexican Barbie, claiming that the doll's outfit is not authentic - here is a lesson for you, Mattel designers! Next time you add to your Dolls of the World collection, strive to produce only dolls from the civilized parts of the world - because no matter how much you genuflect to barbarians, they are never satisfied and just attack and belly-ache instead. Another so-called artist produces artistic projection of what our country would look like as a result of global warming - hell, what courage! How about photographing the people in Africa who suffer from malaria as a result of DDT ban? I triple-dare you! "Jay-z, White House at odds over Cuba Trip" - well, as despicable as Jay-Z is, my money is on Hussein lying, not him. "Beers to Drink if You Are Watching Your Weight" - oh, go to the warm basement! Selena Gomez is "hanging out" with Bieber's friends in order to annoy him - they really do deserve each other. And Kate Middleton enjoys watching "Keeping up with Kardashians" - I guess our similar tastes end up with color emerald. Coffee this morning in my green Target mug.