MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather seem to be rocking for the last day of February. George and Sniffles decided to make themselves nests in the plastic bags last night. The crazy upstairs was quite for 2 days in a row - should I call the police in concern? Today the current Pope is making his final speech as the Pope. Kanye West is in the news again: it looks like he produced "a lengthy rant onstage in London", once again attacking Taylor Swift, and this time adding his friend Jay-Z to the mix for collaborating with Justin Timberlake. He also "slammed corporations who use art to make money". I wonder if the people he was ranting at demanded their money returned. I also wonder since when are the noises that Kanye, Jay-Z, and Beyonce produce are considered art? And, finally, I wonder if he would relinquish all his personal gains that the evil corporations helped him acquire. The researches in Finland and the UK found out that having a boy can shave off about 8.5 months off mother's life (no effect on the father) - nice! Not only husbands, but now sons also?!! And speaking of husbands - Marc Anthony, not to be outdone by his ex-wife, took his kids to Disneyland while accompanied by "a much younger girlfriend". SJP is under fire again for her fashion faux pa - this time she put on socks with sandals - "a trend that did not yet translate from the runaway to the streets". As long as she is not making dinners in support of Hussein, I don't care what she put on, frankly speaking. Speaking of Hussein: a new car was supposed to be "a staple" for American middle class families - but not anymore, for which we can all thank him and his many policies. Carmen Electra put on her Baywatch swimsuit once more to be photographed for In Touch magazine - which makes me wonder about how many men got in touch with their younger selves. And a couple decided to have a Shrek-themed wedding because the story "represents true love", and they even used grin paint - and here I thought that we have crazily overboard weddings right here in Brooklyn! Russia and Egypt are among the 10 places you can now afford to travel to (as opposed to few years ago) - thanks, but no thanks! I can find all the adventures and entertainment I want right here, in the US - without risking life and limb. Not one, but hairdos made the news! Ellen DeGeneres claimed that she wanted to go wild, and part her hair on a different side, and Jennifer Lawrence got brunette right after Oscars for her role in the latest Hunger Games movie - wow, stop the presses! All quiet on Kardashian front. Coffee this morning in my green mug from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 27

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is pretty sucky, but not terrible - hoping spring will come soon. Fresh air acted like an upper on Sniffles this morning - the crazy cat got extra crazy and was running around the apartment at the triple of his usual speed. This is what's currently trending at # 2 - a man in Indiana was arrested after calling 911 for nine times and trying to order a cheeseburger; well, I guess serious hunger does constitute an emergency situation. According to parteigenosse Michelle, her dear husband is not getting gray hair because of the stress of his job (yea, no kidding, what stress?) - he is getting it because he is a father of 2 teenage daughters. Aw...how could I put in printable words all I can say on the matter? Also, I assume that this is a hint that they are just like any other parents in America - it's just that their darlings are protected by armed security 24/7, and we have to fight for our right to protect our kids. And speaking of weapons: the head of Family Tree Entertainment sent a following proposal to NYPD: offer tickets to Beyonce's concert (instead of money) in exchange for firearms. Well, considering the demographics of the NYC's toughest criminals and the members of the street gangs, they might just go for it; then again - I think the entertainment mogul is putting too much faith into Beyonce's appeal, even to young black and hispanic thugs. Guess what Lindsey Lohan, Jason Alexander, Lance Armstrong, and Jenny McCarthy have in common? They all refused to be on DWTS - wow! And here is an attention-grabbing headline "Hathaway's dress crisis" - I kid you not! What was the crisis? Well, she wanted to wear a dress from Valentino, her "long-time friend", to the Oscars, but changed her mind at the last minute and hopes that nobody was offended - crisis indeed! Way worse than our national debt, folks! A physicist in Australia asked his girlfriend to marry him by publishing a scientific paper - who said nerdy?! That's hot, man! Also in Australia - another dude brewed beer for about 1 G a bottle by using the water from the iceberg - interesting folk lives there Down Under. Kim K. is back in the news - she started her mommy blog and wrote about fabulous maternity jeans; well, at least everyone remains dressed in this story - and Kim can actually write! Ditto for Prince Harry - no more nude photos of him, of his sister-in-law. And it's quite on Bieber's front as well - no gas masks or testicular kidnappings. Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug - hello to the crazy district of Nancy Pelosi.

HAPPY PURIM!

For a number of years now I have been guilty of not getting into proper Purim spirit. Sure, there were reasons aplenty: our family is not together anymore, no money, no job, munchkins are not here, friends turned out to be radishes (non-translatable Russian jargon), Hussein is the President, our community is rotting and stinking from the head, our people are not using their gray matter and behaving like water buffaloes (especially during the Holidays) – well, the list is long, painful, and emotionally exhausting.

Add to this the fact that our enemies like to keep our wounds fresh; they love to make sure that each day of celebration is market by somebody's sorrow – and a very recent one, at that. I would never forget the Seder where one of the guests remarked right before the Shvach Hamatcho “remember the parents of Shalhevet Pass who are just getting up from Shiva”. And when it comes to Purim, we have the massacre at Merkaz Harav, which occurred on Rosh Chodesh Adar, and the murders of the Fogel family, may Hashem avenge their blood, which happened shortly before Purim. Yes, all this definitely adds to a lovely celebration and merriment.

But this year, about a week before Purim, it suddenly dawned on me: we celebrate despite all that! Because in every generation, heck, almost every decade, we have a new Haman who rises and thinks it would be a great idea to get rid of this one “people scattered and separate among the peoples throughout all the” nations. Safety is only a temporary illusion; we are constantly in danger (sometimes more, sometimes less) because we are still in galut – mainly due to our ignorance and sinat chinam. On Purim we remember that an evil bastard wanted to exterminate us all, with the full cooperation of the governing body (who did not even care about the loss of revenue to the treasury); only through the hidden miracles from the Almighty were we saved, and the wheels of fortune turned in our favor. We celebrate the simple fact of remaining alive despite the unbelievable odds! And we also remember once more that “united we stand, divided we fall” - a simple phrase, repeated so many times by so many different people in so many different circumstances – but not loosing its validity none-the-less. We eat, drink, enjoy life, and give gifts to each other; it really is the most joyous day of the year.

And so, this Purim, that's what I did – tried to celebrate it in the proper spirit. I am still jobless, money-less, and lonely; our community is still, well, by far not perfect; our people still behave like water buffaloes and still propagate idiocy and sinat chinam; our enemies are more powerful than ever and are coming at us from all sides; and the wounds from loosing our brothers and sisters to unending hatred are very fresh – but I smiled, sang, and danced regardless. Granted, I was costume-less (due to poor planning last fall), but as half of my wardrobe and accessories are “strange” and “funny” anyway (or the results of manic shopping choices), they did it instead of a real costume.

Also, went to my by now usual Purim meal in Riverdale. The food was great (I even ate and enjoyed turkey!!!), the company pretty good, and I had a great excuse to escape Brooklyn. Finally tally on the emptied bottles – 8!!! Americans can't drink properly, man!

I hope your Purim also rocked, peeps – because, hey, we are still alive and kicking! Am Yisrael Chai! Le'Chaim!

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 26

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is still warm and relatively nice for February. The crazy upstairs did not disappoint and produced double amount of noise - probably to make up for yesterday's silence. Ladies and Gentlemen - rejoice! The long wait is over and the new cast of DWTS is announced! Kim Kardashian is all over the net today - the famous preggo did attend the Oscars and twitted her pictures. Yay, hurray - what would the world come to without seeing her face and figure every day?!! Parteigenosse Michelle, that inspiring figure from humble beginnings and the champion of the poor, wore a very modest dress for her guest appearance at the Oscars - it costs less than 9 Gs, folks! And speaking of that nice, sparkly dress - Iranian TV somehow photo-shopped it to cover her famous arms and over stuff. Also, she recently announced during one of her very rare TV appearances that she misses cooking for her family and even walks to the kitchen sometimes - aw...Oh, for effs sake! Nobody is stopping you - go and cook; incidentally, maybe you will save a bit on the chef's fee, especially considering the insanely obscene amount of money that is spent on your family every blessed day! Oh, yea, and the amount of time spent on cooking would equal the amount of time you don't tell the rest of us how to live, breath, eat, feed our kids, etc. And Snooki is back in the news as well - she sold her "tacky" SUV for more money than the new car would cost - gee, what a huge surprise! It looks like Prince Harry kept his clothes on during his latest vaca, and there are no news from his sister-in-law. But Bieber is back!!! It looks like during his recent trip to the mall he decided to hide behind a gas mask to avoid the paparazzi - novel, that. Coffee this morning in my sad/smiley faces mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 25

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! Happy Shushan Purim! The weather rocks - for the end of February :) Sniffles got up around 5 am, fluffed his tail, ran all over the house (scraping his claws off the floor), overturned my trash can under the desk, chased George, overturned their food bowl, made a mess of the plastic bags in the kitchen, and is now sleeping in the cat house. The crazy upstairs is quiet so far. The biggest news, dominating everyone's mind this morning, are, of course: the plight of our troops in Afghanistan, the dismal state of our economy, Iran's and North Korea's nuclear capabilities, our horrendous national debt, and the President who openly hates our country and is hell bent on legalizing the millions of barbarians who invaded our borders and denying us our 2nd Amendment rights. Just kidding, peeps! The biggest news are the Oscars - aka a bunch of rich, spoiled, America-hating brats patting each other on the back for imagined artistic achievements. First, of course, there is a huge debate of who was best or worst dressed - and the opinions of the experts do not necessarily match. Then there is Kristen Stewart (currently trending at # 10) - who attended the Oscars without R-Patz, but with crutches; I guess she is the first person in known history to use crutches, and that's why everyone is talking about it. In related news - it looks like Jennifer Lawrence stumbled and blamed it on her dress - duh! And, of course, the biggest "wow" from last night was parteigenosse Michelle showing up to announce the winner of the best picture award - aw..where is that dratted spittoon again?!! Also, it looks like Republicans found some balls - they launched "a snarky new Oscar-themed ad" against the Dems - good for you, people! Then there is a list of America's 10 richest cities, with DC on the third place - wonder why this is; our fair city of New York in only on the 5th. But, but, but - we serve the world's most expensive omelette - for a mere thousand bucks a serving! Why so much - it has 1G worth on caviar in it - and the restaurant serves it for "fun, not to make money" - nice!! Also, there is a list of 8 vaccines that every guy needs - the shots against stupidity or mommy issues, unfortunately, are not on the list. Celeb preggos are mum, and so is Bieber - I guess recovering from the attempt at his testicles. Coffee this morning in my Disney Dalmatian Spots mug. Oh, yea, and Baby Bro drunk my coffee with his morning cig - hurray for my cooking skills!

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 22

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather is beginning to improve slightly - it's warmer, and the winds died down, thank Gd! Got effin scared last night when I heard someone walking around the apartment when I knew that baby bro was asleep. Turned out it was George - blessed kitty made that much noise! And, mind you, I don't read horror stories or suspense - ever, not just at night. The crazy upstairs did not disappoint and started her routine as I was typing this update. There is a casino in NYC (strictly speaking, next to JFK), which is threatening the business in Atlantic City and at Mohigan Sun, because NYers can just hop on the subway and be where they want to be - go, Queens!! This just in - young adults eat more fast food than older people, blacks eat more of it than whites, and young black adults are the biggest consumers of whoppers and fried chicken - I am sure the researches and statisticians that participated in this study were racists. Japanese women are making money by putting ads on their thighs and posting pictures online - interesting, that. Star Wars fans can take lightsaber lessons and get special tips from Darth Vader himself - ah, the beauty of the free market. J.Lo.'s twins are turning 5, and she is throwing a rainbow-themed b-day party for them, completed with homemade cupcakes frosted with pink and blue - aw, happy birthday kids! With mommy and daddy like yours - good luck! "Rural communities of Dull, Scotland, and Boring, Oregon, formed an international partnership last year to build cultural and commercial connections" to attract tourists, despite their luck-luster names - personally, I would be hesitant to visit liberal-infested Oregon and muslim-infested Britain, but that's just me. Also, our fair city of New York escaped being among America's worst cities to find love - how, I have no idea. Some posh psychologist listed 10 biggest wedding fears and how to conquer them - surprisingly, the fear of "he will never get over his mommy issues and take it out on me" was not on the list; got to give that woman a call and tell her to brush up. Just as I was complaining about Windsors - Harry is in the news again, but all he is doing is having a romantic getaway with his new girlfriend - no orgies and everyone stayed dressed (so far); BORING! Also, thanks to a tip from a concerned citizen, I found out that there was a plot to kidnap Bieber and chop off his testicles! Thankfully, the perpetrators were stopped by the Canadian border - whew! The national treasure was saved! Coffee this morning in my striped glass from Target.

SALAD NICOISE A LA MOSCOW

Few years ago my friends served me salad which they officially call Ivanovs' salad (Ivanovs being our mutual friends). Upon gazing at the ingredients I was compelled to ask why they dubbed this particular dish thusly, and they explained that they were never served this salad before they came to Ivanovs for a meal. This little story made me laugh, because everyone in Moscow (from whence both Ivanovs and yours truly originally hail) made this salad (providing, of course, that the ingredients were available); my friends, on the other hand, came from Leningrad and Kiev, where, I guess, this culinary offering was not in vogue.

That, as Sir Percy would say, was just the title. Fast-forward to today; I decided to make myself a salad to break my fast, and for whatever reasons, decided to make “Ivanonvs'” salad – or, as we called it, radish salad, the ingredients for which are radishes, cucumbers, scallions, hard-boiled eggs, and mayo. And that's how fun started.

First, I realized that I was too lazy to go back for scallions when I was in the story, so I had to substitute it with an onion. Second, I saw a beautiful package of mushrooms in my shopping bag – well, it's winter, and we need extra vitamin D, so mushrooms followed. Steps 3 and 4 were uneventful: a bunch of radishes and 4 cucumbers. Then I realized that I was very low on eggs, and only had 3 instead of 5 I usually put. In order to compensate for the lack of protein, I decided to add 3 little cans of tuna which were hanging around since summer and munchkins' visit. And as I was opening tuna, making sure that Sniffles does not get into it (for his own protection), I remembered that a few kosher establishments served something vaguely similar (minus the radishes) and called it nicoise salad. Of course, kosher establishments usually use loose interpretations of the original recipe, but who cares. So, I topped my creation with a jar of black olives, and on top of the generous helping of the mayonnaise added the horse radish sauce.

The results, my friends, were surprisingly good, and I decided to share with you the recipe of this particular cooking experiment.   

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 21

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! It's effin cold again - hate it, but still prefer that to the triple H we will have in a few months. Crazy upstairs is surprisingly quite - vacuum broke down again? Sniffles is sleeping in the cat house - at least this time his back is not hanging off like yesterday. Got wine for Purim - and for the fridge as well! Britain would not return Koh-i-Noor diamond to India - which pressing problem is a major concern for both British and (especially) Indian citizens, I am sure. Kim K. is back! She will show her baby bump in a very tasteful picture spread in a magazine - considering how much class she and her boyfriend Kanye have together, I envision great things for this kid. Michelle O.'s official 2013 portrait is out - it shows her much-talked-about-bangs, but hides her "trademark" arms - it also hides her trademark hatred for USA and her trademark love of food. Speaking of royals - the House of Windsor is really not exiting for the past few months - nobody runs around naked, nobody cheats on their spouse, and that envirowaco mutton-head Prince Charles did not advise anyone to abandon modern technology in some time as well - Bess, did you finally manage to control your family and make them boring? Of course, now Kate's sister is in the news due to a new boyfriend - I guess because it's so rare for an attractive young woman to date and to have a boyfriend. And speaking of boyfriends - Rihanna is celebrating her 25th birthday with her bf Chris Brown in Hawaii; I assume that psychiatric help is available in resort areas. And Bieber is seriously beginning to worry me (and, I am sure, millions of giddy teens) with his continued absence. No coffee today due to fast.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 20

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is again NY February - at least it's sunny. Sniffles is laying on top of my chair and gently breathing in my ear. Scholastic ordered new illustrations for Harry Potter - the old expression of not gilding the lily comes to mind, and, in my opinion, both old and new illustrations stink. There are 7 bad habits that are good for you! Of course, the idiots only listed 5, but here they are: procrastination, coffee drinking, chocolate eating, napping, and alcohol consumption - yes!!! Going back to bed, then waking up, having another coffee, and chasing it with a nice chardonnay and nice piece of Godiva - oh, heck, procrastinated last month and did not get my freebies! Guess what is trending at # 1 right now? The speculation on whatever or not Victoria Beckham is preggers again - heck, what is it with the water and the air lately?! Celebs expecting right and left - and most of them are due this summer! USPS will launch a new clothing line in 2014 titled "Rain Heat & Snow" - good job, guys! While you are busy designing, could you please make sure to lose a piece of mail only once? Thanks! There is also a case of raising the salary for our dear comrade Hussein, because he is underpaid and maybe needs incentives - and no, this is not a line from The Onion. And the Academy decided not to call the event of the year 85th Academy Awards, but instead just call it the Oscars (to get rid of "musty" alternative title) - this is also not a line from The Onion. "Higgs Boson Particle May Spell Doom For the Universe" - I beg to differ; it's human stupidity that spells doom for the universe. In the fashion news: "ugly" 90's trend of wearing coveralls is coming back - well, at least people are still dressed. And on the hairdo front: parteigenosse Michelle claims that her bangs was her way of dealing with mid-life crisis - where is the spittoon when you need one, I ask you! No peep from either Windsors or Bieber today - bummer! Coffee this morning in my HP mug.

המן הרשע | קינדרלעך haman harasha kinderlach

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 19

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! It's overcast outside of my window, but much warmer than yesterday. Just saw somewhere that, according to some big shot's opinion people can't achieve anything after 46 - but history proofs him wrong. Interesting, that. Sniffles is running around with his tile 5 times the usual size. The crazy upstairs did not disappoint for the past few mornings - her vacuum was heard loud and clear. J.K. Rowling is trending at #6 right now - because she beat both the Queen and her granddaughter-in-law as the most inspiring woman. I understand how she is way more inspiring than Kate, but Bess - people's lack of historical knowledge is glaring. Kardashians are back in the news with a vengeance: Khloe was fired from the X-factor, and Kourtney had a "violent outburst" during their show - classy and profound, I know; but all I can think of - still prefer to hear about them as opposed to parteigenosse Michelle. And this is trending at #2: some kind of award-winning author (of whom, frankly, I never heard before) criticized Kate as "machine-made doll with plastic smile" who lacks Diana's personality and "human frailty" - wow, being mentally stable is a crime? Woman, honestly, get a life! And guess what is trending at #9? Never mind, you can't! It's - drum roll please - Britney Spears' grocery list! Yea, it looks like she goes to the supermarket in her sweats and buys stuff that ordinary moms buy too - WOW! Jeez Louise, speechless!!!! And yet another celebrity announced her pregnancy - this time it's Fergie; can't find her due date - but it it's this summer, people, we will have bigger problems than global warming. Michael Phelps is dating another model - apparently, he is a quick operator: just broke up and already has "another squeeze" - again, why is young philandering male such big news? And in the world of fashion: peekaboo dresses are very much in, and Ashley Olsen was accused of stealing a coat from Chewbacca - in her defense, I have seen the pictures, and the accusation is over the top. Surprisingly, no one's hairdo got in the news - and bloody Bieber is still in hiding. Coffee this morning in my Do a Kahlua mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 18

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather continues to be NY February. In honor of President's day, our dear Hussein is golfing in Florida with Tiger Woods, and his lady fair is skiing in Aspen - well, they work so hard on destroying our country; poor dears deserve a little break from all their hard work (on taxpayer's dime, of course). Rihanna's bloody knee is now trending at #1 - I kid you not! It turns out that an angry fan in London threw a bottle at her because she seemed to have reunited with Kris Brown - the question, of course, begs as to who needs therapy most in this particular case. And Katy Perry's ring is trending at #6 - well, she got this heart-shaped ruby ring from her boyfriend, and now "the rumor mill is crazy" wondering if they are engaged; I am sure the majority of the country has other things to be crazy about, but what do I know. Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra are "faced off" by wearing the same mini dress - I will leave the discussion on their "hotness" to the guys, because to me they both look slightly plastic. Then there is a long advice on how to deal with "shrunken 2013 paycheck" - well, I think it was Doug Powers who outlined the solution a while back. He said that if the Founding Fathers came to DC today, they would hang the President, his Cabinet, some of the Supreme Court judges, and most of the Congress for treason right there on the National Mall. Maker's Mark "drew a storm of complains" when the company announced the plan to dilute their whiskey - no joke, that! Of course, the complains stopped that evil plan - if only the evil plans of our elected official would be that easily stopped. All the famous preggos are absent again - hiding from the cold? Ditto Bieber - same thing? Coffee this morning in my FL mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 17

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! The weather is, once again, NY February, darn it! Also have to come to grips with the fact that until the weather improves, I will be hit with a different strain of rhinovirus every other week. Memo to professional chefs: it's easy to cook when you have a bunch of expensive dishes; but to fry 3 onions in an omelette pan designed for 2 eggs - that's cooking, baby! This is the beginning of an article that's trending at #2 right now: " Beyoncé's new documentary about Beyoncé co-directed by Beyoncé..." - well, at least she is not visiting Hussein in the situation room. Kevin Federline owns IRS 57Gs - big effin deal! Every other member of the Congress, and most of Obama's cabinet owe way more than that! Why is IRS even bothering with small potatoes? "More than 75 percent of sponges and dishrags may carry disease-causing bacteria" - memo to you, envirowacos! What's why we, disgusting humans, like to clean with paper towels! Chimps have better short term memory than humans - well, judging by the last elections, they have better long term memory as well. And Rihanna debuted a new clothing line that was dubbed "Sassy chic or Friday Night at K-Mart?" - the clothes are not to my taste either, but I am sure the critics did not really visit K-Mart at Friday night or any other time. And earthquake "rattled Rome" - also over the Pope's resignation? No new celebrity pregnancies announced - whew? Coffee this morning in my musical notes mug.

MORNING UPDATE - FEBRUARY 15

First, a little introduction: one of my very dear friends has a great coffee mug collection. So, every morning she posts her mug choice on facebook, together with few sentences about her day plans, family news, or something else to that extant. After being unemployed for a number of months, I decided to enter into a friendly competition with her – because between my own shopping, and my Beloved Sibling never claiming some of her stuff after getting married, and yours truly somehow ending up with family stuff after our parents split up...To make the long story short, I got my own decent mug collection.

It started with my mug choices, to which I decided to add the weather report as seen from my window, to which I decided to add occasional pet news, to which I eventually decided to add some pithy comments about “current events” - because, let's face it – the celebrity obsession is, well, idiotic. Low and behold, I got a little “following” - my friends kept telling me that my silly updates made them smile, made their days, offered them something to look forward to. So, I started doing it almost religiously.

And then I thought “why not post them on my blog?”. Of course, being a neurotic Jewess with OCD, I usually have set rules on what goes where and then. But, heck, it's my blog! And while I am trying to simultaneously write about ten “serious” pieces to post here ( and am not able to finish one), my decision to post my morning updates here solidified. Below is the one I wrote on Friday, February 15:

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather, once again, is nice for a February day. Actually tempted to go and check out post-valentine sales. George decided to snack on some napkins yesterday because they came from a burger joint - I guess they smelled like chicken wings and burgers to him. Megyn Kelly is pregnant - which happy occasion is trending at #2. Good luck, Megyn, from the bottom of my heart - because this time it won't just be pictures of baby bumps in cute maternity clothes; it will be a full-blown attack from the self-proclaimed defenders of human rights in general, and female rights in particular. Meteor struck Russia, reportedly injuring more than 500 hundred people - basically, doing only a fraction of the damage that the Russian government does to its citizens on a daily basis. Malia Obama might be dating - I am sure the guy loves his veggies and quinoa; also wondering how much additional security that particular young love would entail. There is also a list of 5 careers to avoid - they forgot to mention any job at the "frum" company, especially if you are a woman. Some celebrities have "strange hobbies": Nicholas Cage collects dinosaur bones, William Shatner likes archery, Mila Kunis is heavy into WarCraft, and Tom Hanks collects old typewriters - I honestly don't give a flying banana on what they spend their money, as long as they keep their (mostly uneducated) traps shot and don't involve themselves in anti-American activities, politics, and envirowacoism. Speaking of which, Jolie and Pitt are about to release their first wine next month - the previous statement applies. "Kris Humphries' lawyer reportedly sacked the star as his client" - because according to the lawyer, there were no legal grounds for the annulment of his marriage to Kim K.; and, in case you were wondering, this is your latest in Kardashain news. Kate, on the other hand, seems to be hiding again from the public - can't say I blame her. Bieber is, once again, absent - is he quietly searching for a new girlfriend? Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.

VETERAN'S DAY

In a strange fit of galactic irony, this year we had 2 Veterans' Days – one calendar one, which fell on Sunday, necessitating the second one on Monday – so that government employees were not deprived of one of their days off, and the good people of the United States of America were not deprived of their proper shopping experience.

Of course, if you cared to take a look at the general situation in the country, Veterans had absolutely nothing to celebrate: the re-election of Comrade Barack Hussein Obama, or Barry Soetoro, or whatever the hell his real name is, almost certainly guaranteed the complete gutting and demoralization of our current military; continued senseless slaughter of our troops in Afghanistan; and, last, but not least, the severe cuts in benefits to all the vets.

So, all I could say in my head on those two days was : I am sorry.

I am sorry for the election results.

I am sorry for the deplorable state of the country you risk your life and limb to defend.

I am sorry for the unending assault on you from the general media.

I am sorry I can't even send you care packages for Thanksgiving because I am unemployed and broke.

But please know this: there are a lot of us for whom your dedication to the United States and the Constitution is beyond appreciated. You are in our thoughts and prayers constantly – and that is never said as a tired cliché.

This grateful American, who survived communist hell, salutes you!

HALF-BORING EVENING

One fine June Sunday yours truly was suffering from the typical New York June humidity and psyching herself (unsuccessfully) to do something more productive than suffer from humidity, drink cold tea, or play Farmville. So, while my computer was traveling from one farm to another, my eyes wandered to a pile of papers on my desk that I had a vague recollection I had to do something about. I quickly skimmed through them to make sure my gas would not be turned off for being a dodo bird and forgetting to pay the bill, and here it was: the Bar Mitzva invitation I had specifically stuck in this pile in order not to forget my promised attendance.

And hence I was presented with the usual dilemma: should I keep my word and attend (once I promised I would), or forget about the whole thing, make sure all my crops were harvested, and catch the latest episode of The Glades. After about five minutes of serious deliberations I remembered why I promised to attend to begin with: aside from the fact that the mother of the Bar Mitzva boy was a nice person (even if for whatever reason she annoyed me in high school), and I was supposed to represent the clan as Beloved Sibling is currently residing in The Holy Land; the main pro argument, though, was the proximity of the celebration hall (which is within walking distance from my humble abode). So, I reasoned, if somebody would royally annoy me, I could just slip away and walk home.

Thus decided, I duly applied the war paint to my face (with the end result resembling a fat and curly Morticia Adams), put on my Shabat clothes ( they were light, 100% cotton, and NOT black) – I don't care what the current fashion dictates – the need to breath outweighs almost everything else; and finished the ensemble with my 3 buck shiny flip-flops (which matched the flowers on my skirt perfectly). After that I dug out my Vera Bradley evening bag, which, while being cute, does not really match any outfit I have – but is roomy enough to pack a paperback; the said paperback was duly packed, and I trotted off the celebration hall.

Due to years coming on time to various celebrations and then feeling like an idiot for doing so, I ended up timing my arrival perfectly – it was pretty late, and everyone was taking their places by the tables. As expected, I was seated with a bunch of former classmates – but this particular bunch was not from “oh, joy” category, so, it was not so bad. Of course, aside from somewhat flamboyant mother of the Bar Mitzvah boy, I was the only one not in black. The general conversation went over my head, as usual, but, to be fair, “girls” tried to occasionally include me in it – and I did end up catching up on a lot of mundane news and even managed to have a half-decent conversation with the “girl” seated next to me. The food was also pretty edible, plus I was saved the necessity of standing in front of the stove during such wonderful day. Dancing I decided to skip, because a) it was pretty boring, and b) I value the health of my feet too much for that. Of course, to cap off a pretty normal, if somewhat mundane, evening, in the end I had to run into a friend's husband who wanted to know, in the best “Flatbush” tradition, “what I was doing there” - the said question always reminding me that not really belonging to this glorious community is not a figment of my loner's imagination – I really don't belong.

So, basically, the evening was not as painful as those things usually are for me, the paperback was not really needed, I got fed, and even caught up with all schoolmates without too much effort on my part. But it also made me realize, once again, that people lost (or never had) the art of truly celebrating, because something is always missing in those events – something that makes it not worth my while to get dressed and put the war paint on. Ah, well, maybe it's just me.

SHANA TOVAH!

As is traditional on this blog for the past couple of years, I would like to wish all my brothers and sisters a Shana Tova somewhere around Rosh Chodesh Kislev – well, definitely before we celebrate Chanukah.

So, to all the members of our tribes, regardless of your religious affiliation, or the acknowledgment of belonging to our tribes, or even the realization that you actually do belong – I wish all of you a good, sweet, healthy, happy, prosperous, and blessed year.

I don't know if all of us prayed well enough these past High Holidays, or, if, using a non-kosher reference, we have been “very naughty” these past couple of years, but so far this year is shaping to be, well, challenging. To be truthful, we are in grave peril. Every single anti-Semitic force on Earth that ever existed is rearing its ugly head once again, but, most horrifying of all, our own so-caller leaders, both religious and secular, are, to paraphrase Caroline Glick, are like dogs. They are petty, cowardly, concerned with idiocy, and completely unable to lead. Aside from incompetent and ignorant leaders, we have way too many non-leaders in our midst that either forgot what being a Jew truly means – or, worse, are simply not happy to be one. I know that by this time it sounds like a well-worn platitude, but we really need to try our best to be the best Jews we could be – and pray; pray hard and from the heart.

On the light note: yours truly did her usual by making sure to come to services early on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, but slept through the ones on Succot.

And – drum roll please – here comes the fashion report:

Beau Brummel can rest peacefully – the good matrons of South Brooklyn and their daughters continue to favor black in all its ugly, ehr, elegant permutations. And, sadly, this year, neither the flowers nor the feathers of small birds were in vogue as hair ornaments – so, goth couture all around. Yours truly, being her usual stubborn Jewish self, broke the mold with green, yellow, and pink (not all at the same time, though). There were other iconoclasts in the congregation (about half a minyan worth), who showed up dressed in violet, peach, blue, and – gasp – light gray/lavender leather. What can I tell you – it was an interesting fashion show.

And last, but not least, as always, my friends shared their delicious holiday meals. And, sadly, but not unexpectedly, I got to listen to a ton of idiocy coming out of the mouths of other guests. Here, in no particular order, is a partial list of the more salient points.

The reason the eat fish on Rosh Hashona is because fish is the only one member of animal world who procreates completely without touching – since when did we acquire such Muslim or Catholic aversion to sex?

The judgment on Rosh Hashona happens before Musaf, so, a special Chassidish Rav takes 4 hours to say the morning Shemona Esre – how?

I am Russian,my roots are there, and I should be proud of this heritage – with all due respect and admiration, go to the warm basement.

Another time a guest gave the host exact instructions as how to make kiddish for his (guest's) progeny and how to serve them grape juicy – no comment.

Of course, the best was when another guest at my friend's house pointed at me and asked our hostess “who is this?”; then proceeded to discuss and debate diets and healthy foods with another couple present at the meal. And if that was not fun enough, the discussion proceeded with the visiting husband extolling the virtues of Moscow, mocking my beloved country, deriding me for my patriotism, and reacting with snide bewilderment to my profound hate for the step-mama country.

Basically, Holidays were great, but tainted with the ignorance that, unfortunately, is very prevalent in our circles, and is, in my humble opinion, one of the root causes of most of our problems.

So, here is to a, hopefully, good and sweet year filled with true Achavat Chinam and working Jewish brains.

Александр Городницкий - Галилей - profound and timeless

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

Once again, I did not get a chance to acknowledge all the recent Holidays, so, here are my belated “Happy Holidays” and some random remarks.

As long as I celebrated Purim, I always loved that day – precisely for what it represents and what we are celebrating. Of course, in our illustrious neighbourhood, people usually tend to forget the forest for the trees – and the rush to outperform each other in the Misheloach Manot department usually overshadows everything else. Plus, this was the first Purim without munchkins – so, the celebratory spirit was slightly on the thin side. Also, due to slight monetary constrains, I decided to honour the spirit of the holiday by spending whatever money I could on the gifts for the poor and giving only one Misheloach Manot – to my mom. This year, I sort of wanted to get a costume, but by the time I figured out whom I wanted to be (a witch, of course), it was a bit late in the game. On the plus side, a good acquaintance from Riverdale invited me for the festive meal, and, as The Bronx community is much more chilled than ours, I ended up having a smashing time – even surrounded by liberals. Of course, Americans can not drink properly – as was demonstrated again by that particular feast. By the time I was ready to leave, the hostess observed that only 6 bottles of wine were consumed! Later that evening, while summarizing the whole thing on facebook, she came to the realization that the whole 10 bottles were empty – after 30 guests (at which point she thought that that was a sufficient alcohol consumption)! My American born and raised Jewish brothers and sisters – you have absolutely no knowledge of what true drinking entails!

Which brings me to Pesach, during which the absence of munchkins was present as well, but, all in all, I had a nice Holiday and enjoyed the overpriced poor bread – otherwise known as matza. Also remembered why and what we celebrate.

Which brings me to Shavuot, during which the absence of munchkins was felt too. Also, that is usually the time we start turning on the air conditioning – and this time there was no exceptions (sigh). I love Shavuot, but the three H weather is not usually conducive to deep thoughts and introspections. None the less, it was a time of great celebration.

On Purim I made the requisite visits to schul – and this time did not manage to avoid The Head Yenta. On Pesach and Shavuot the will was there – but the body was not willing, so, ended up missing Birkat Cohanim, for a change.

On the side note: people always claim that they get cold just by looking at my flip flops in October (and beyond); by the same token, I get hot just by looking at our esteemed matrons and maidens, dressed all (or mostly) in black garments, usually constructed from non-breathable materials.

And now – a little note from my grouchy side. I love my friends; I enjoy their company and I am always very grateful to all of them for their hospitality and delicious meals. But (a tiny fly in the ointment) there is usually at least one guest at every meal whose extreme intellectual abilities, wide and varied educational background, and solid political views give me indigestion and make my head pound and my blood boil. Having attained certain maturity, I came to the conclusion that arguing with idiots is a total waste of breath, time, and energy – but sometimes I simply can't listen to all the nonsense uttered and not roll my eyes.

This particular Holiday season was, unfortunately, not an exception. Below is a short list of brilliant things I have heard this time around (hopefully, I will write rebuttals to at least some of those):

As I learned American history in Russia, I am not qualified to offer my opinion on that particular subject.

We need affirmative actions today because we used to have slavery.

The high rate of anti-Semitism amongst the blacks is very surprising.

99.9% of Americans believe that Obama is a great orator.

Israel needs to be soft on Arabs since it is fighting the war of public opinion.

Obama is willing to give federal support to the Jewish schools; Romney would only give it to the Protestant ones.

Christians taught Muslims blood libels; our esteemed cousins could not possible arrive at those on their own.

England had no right to exist as a country.

Secular anti-Semites are baffled by our community: here is a collection of smart, educated, worldly people, so the presence of religious believes in not clear.

We (the current wave or Russian Jewish immigrants) are here due to the tireless efforts of Mikhail Gorbachev.

We needed the internet asifa.

There is no American exceptionalism.

I am sure there was much more, but my brain blessedly blocked it from my memory.

Aside from that (and the absence of munchkins), I had a wonderful and pretty meaningful Holiday season.

LAST SEASON (CONTINUATION)

Previously, on Barb's World the following took place:

(Part 2)

Aside from becoming a part of the unemployment statistics, a few other things happened to me in that time gap of non-blogging, the most notable of which was my 2010 Birthday.

Drum roll please! Here comes a huge confession! OK, enough with the drum roll – I turned 40 in 2010.

Here is a little known fact about me: I was, of course, named in the Jewish tradition – after a relative; only usually the relatives we are named after are at least one generation removed – unless that name is a “special” case. Well, my name was. I was named after my father's younger sister - who died from hunger in infancy during WWII.

Now, when I was young(er), “old people”, especially women, always claimed that at a certain point birthdays cease being fun or something to look forward to – or to celebrate. I can definitely attest to this fact...Not that I don't enjoy birthdays once they come, but I definitely stopped looking forward to them. And on this one I kept thinking about a particular novel by Lisa Kleypas. Amanda from Suddenly You had a bit in common with your humble servant; not only this, but I was tempted to do something on the par with the crazy thing she did for her thirtieth birthday (which, in Victorian times, equaled 40 in ours, I guess)...alas, things that happen in novels we read to escape the real life rarely, if ever, happen in real life; that is why we read those books.

Not only was I not especially looking forward to that Birthday, but by the time it came, I was slightly approaching comatose state – due mostly to the happenings described in the previous chapter. I did not even get myself a customary “Happy Birthday To Me” present. Never the less, my family, as always, tried to make it as special as possible. My mom sort of took care of it on Shabat, and my sister and brother-in-law took me out for a fantastic meal at La Marais (which happens to be a smashing stake house). We were later joined by a dear friend of the family and his wife; my mom graciously baby set the munchkins (as traveling to Manhattan is not a lot of fun for her), and I got to break out my new evening bag from Vera Bradley (purchased, of course, on e-bay). My dad and Baby Bro, being stoic men, offered me heart-felt congratulations, and gave sweet, from the heart, gifts. All in all, it was a good birthday, even if without much bang (which, frankly, I did not want at all).

Now, when you reach a certain age, you are (hopefully), at that level of maturity when you feel you learned something from life – and where (sometimes) you feel the need to start dispensing unsolicited advice to young whipper-snappers.

I don't feel like dispensing any kind of advise – solicited or otherwise – but here are some things (in no particular order), which I think I realized with approaching years.

Your parents are always right. You still feel the need to make your own mistakes and listen only to your experiences and your gut, but something in them – love, intuition, prophetic knowledge, greater wisdom (who the heck knows) – will always see the best path for you.

Loving family is paramount to happiness – plain and simple.

Energy level does decrease; it creeps up pretty stealthily, and you don't notice it right away - but all of a sudden you feel more like staying at home in your pjs then getting dressed and doing something fun outside. On top of that comes realization that you can't sustain yourself on 4 hours of sleep anymore, the way you did in college and long after.

Body very slowly, but very surely, also begins to go south. The more you look in the mirror, the more lines you see on your face (and somehow breakouts still happen!). Every time you get a haircut, you notice more gray hairs. Joints begin to creak. All the small injuries that you forgot about in your twenties and thirties all of the sudden start reminding about themselves oh so quietly. And one day you realize that your vision may not be 20/20 anymore.

You begin to realize that when “old people” were talking about good health as a greatest of blessings, they weren't talking nonsense.

Friends are really important. Good acquaintances are nice and needed as well, but real friends – people who would be there for you no matter what – you really, really need them. And once you get one true, fantastic friend – fight tooth and nail in order to preserve that friendship.

I don't think anyone reached my age and did not experience at least one major disaster in their lives; for me those were my parents' break up, my mother's cancer, and 9/11 – and some less major, but not less painful things. Also, through no fault of my own, I lost some important components in my life – and even though I never loose hope of regaining those intangible components, in my darker moments I become afraid that I never will.

Men are not the enemy. They are annoying, exasperating, selfish, obtuse...believe me, the list of adjectives is long. But Mr. Darcy does exist – even today; you just have to wade through a lot of Whickams, Collinses, and even Bingleys before you find him. The results are not guaranteed – but without mutual love and respect there is no happy marriage.

Being a woman is a blessing and a curse. It is (and probably always will be) a man's world – despite the suffragettes, feminists, and the natural progression of the Western Civilization. We feel more – and much deeper; care more; take on way more responsibilities; and are way more vulnerable – both emotionally and physically. But we do have the ability and the power to bring love, kindness, and caring into the world – under any circumstances.

Children are the biggest blessing in life there is. Long time ago, in my salad days, I attended a lecture about different levels of happiness that a human being can attain in this world. Being able to imitate The Almighty – creating something – is one of the highest levels; but no other attempt at creation even begins to approach the creation of a child! And nothing on this Earth equals a moment when a child smiles at you, looks at you with an unreserved love, and hugs you with his or her tiny, pudgy arms. And every time you listen to them, you get to remember and partially re-experience the exuberance only they have for exploring the world – and the innocence with which they see it.

I am sure there are many more things I have learned – just can't remember them now. The important thing in life is to take whatever you have learned so far and build up on it towards the general fulfillment and happiness. But, in the best Jewish tradition, I can't just look forward – I have to constantly look behind and analyze everything again and again.

Everyone who knows me personally can vouch for the fact that I am a confirmed non-conformist – pun not intended. But very few, if any, know that that does not steam from my need to defy authority – I just want to lead my life according to my own logic, and not the norm accepted by the mediocrity at large. All the seemingly crazy things I do come from that – and sometimes from the desire to observe Burke's famous uttering.

Long time ago, in college, at one of the psych classes taught by the prof that I hated and everyone else loved, we had a discussion about compromises as opposed to staying true to one's conscience. My naive self claimed that by not compromising your principles you get to sleep at night – to which the esteemed educator responded that at that particular course a person usually ends up sleeping on the bench. And everyone in that particular group agreed!

Irony of ironies – I tried to lead my life opposite to that cynical remarks; but sometimes I think that if not for my family, Gd bless them, few times in my life I would have ended sleeping on the park bench. So, the introspection and the soul searching go on.

Back to the origin of my name. A few years ago, couple of well-meaning relatives who enjoy dabbling in Kabalah, told my mom that I should change my name or add to it – because my poor aunt, who never really had a chance at life, is jealous of me – and that explains the present (not completely satisfactory) state of my life.

Now, being a stubborn mule (see above), I categorically refused to play with my name – and not only because I personally believe that our parents don't just name us – it does come to them in a certain prophetic way. You see, knowing my father's family, I am firmly convinced that she is not jealous; but sometimes I am afraid that I don't really give that much luster to the name.

So, here I am – armed with my Jewish stiff neck and (hopefully) some acquired knowledge and wisdom, I am hopefull that I will yet make her proud of me. Happy UnBirthday!