I PLAY A MARRIED WOMAN

Being a woman is both a blessing and a curse. For centuries we had to deal with male idiocy disguised as logic, while ourselves constantly accused of being too emotional and devoid of clear thinking – even in the most progressive societies. And when the civilized world finally acknowledged the fact that our feelings are deserving of respect and consideration (at least in some instances), different floodgate opened. Males of the species in the dialogue about feelings perceived an opening in which to insert their own emotions, and since then we are under constant barrage of their (forgive my French) whining. The said whining comes from all sides of political spectrum, i.e. the ladies magazines (which are notoriously left-wing) and different religious sources (which are usually not left-wing at all).

So, not to be outdone, a few months ago Aish put on their website something authored by a Rabbi and titled “Ten Things Men Wish Women Knew”. Now, as my readers know, I have never been married; however, having observed countless married relatives, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, I feel that I am competent to respond to this little masterpiece. My character is a collective of about 15 real people I know, has a few kids, works, lives in Brooklyn (for the ease of reference), and has the usual assortment of in-laws.

Ladies, it's not complicated. And guys feel free to add your additional points in the comment sections below.

R: Love, love, love this little introduction! Does this mean that the complaint is more than 10 points long? But of course it is, why am I so surprised?!

1) Just like women, we need love. Even though women have the reputation of being more emotionally needy, we find ourselves longing for those words. Please say them often.

R: Honey, I knew you were emotionally needy when you got jealous of our first baby and the amount of time I was giving him (ergo, stopped giving you) – so, that's not news to me. I love you and would like to assert it as much and as often as possible – however, it is a bit hard to do when more often than not you yourself show complete disregard to the feelings and emotional needs of our children, never mind mine.

2) Additionally we crave respect and approval. Show us admiration and your wish will be our command. Nag us or attack us and we will retreat to our caves.

R: If I did not respect you or did not approve of you, the wedding would never have happened. How exactly am I supposed to show you admiration – give you a gold star every time you finally finish something you promised to do half a year ago? What constitutes nagging – my asking you (politely) for about 10 times to do something for the house and/or for the kids and not so politely for the 11^th? How else would you like me to proceed? I texted you; wrote a note on the fridge, and told it to you verbally – all, mind you, exactly as per your instructions for such cases. Why is your selective memory and inattention to our needs translates into my nagging?

3) We are not mind readers. We can’t anticipate your needs and desires. Tell us what you want. Help us out. We want to give to you but you need to tell us how. Don’t be coy; be straight. The proof of our love is not in our clairvoyance but in our response to your clearly expressed wishes.

R: As previously mentioned, I love and respect you – which also means that the object of my affection is bright and in possession of common sense. So, please forgive me for assuming that if you finished a roll of toilet paper, you would replace it; if you see a light bulb on the front porch die, you would replace it – especially considering that you are 7 inches taller than I; that if our daughter is showing you her drawing, you would talk to her and praise her work; that your first greeting of the day to our children would not be screaming and accusations; and that if you like to rest and drink hot tea when you are sick, you would automatically assume that I would likewise like to rest and drink warm tea when I am equally sick. Forgive me for this horribly mistaken assumption – I never knew that in masculine language common sense is mistaken for clairvoyance. But even if I am straight with you – meaning I spell out in minute details what precisely I want at this particular moment or what I would like for you do – most of the time my wishes are somehow ignored or forgotten – and then I am accused of “nagging”.

4) We respect what a good mother you are and how much you do for the community, but we do not want to be at the bottom of your to-do list. We want to feel like we are the most important person in your life. (Would you mind getting off the phone when we walk in the door?)

R: You are my husband and the father of my children. You are very, very important to me! When you are sad, or sick, or hurt – it hurts me too, more than you usually realize. But our children are the most important people in my life! They are the results of our love and commitment to each other; they are the best of both of us. But they are also small and defenseless – and they need love, guidance, and constant care. They can't cook for themselves; half of them can't even get dressed on their own, or blow their noses, of, forgive me, wipe their little tuschies. They can't even get to their friends' houses on their own. They also don't know how to deal with difficult situations, adversity, or bullies, and most of the time they can't clearly articulate what exactly is hurting them. Also, aside from our older daughter, none of them would ever voluntarily do their homework – would you like me to hire a tutor for them?

As for my “community work”, as limited as it is – for some reason I assumed that the situation of Mrs. R on the next block, who is blessed with more children than we and whose husband is battling cancer for about 3 years now, or Z's family 5 blocks over, whose youngest child is in and out of the hospital for over a year, of Mrs. S's, who is basically housebound and has no family to my knowledge – in my ignorance and silliness I thought that our problems and concerns, as weighty as they are, somehow pale next to these people's, so, yes, occasionally I do ignore or forget your dinner, shirts at the dry cleaner's, or even your second cousin's Bar Mitzvah, in order to run errands for these other people and try somehow to lessen their problems and concerns.

And, finally, my telephone conversations. I figured out long time ago that there is a slight disparity in what constitutes good manners by my family – and how your family looks at that particular subject. Never the less, I was taught to treat everyone with equal respect – so, if I am talking to someone on the phone, I consider it rude to hang up on them the minute you walked into the house. I said hello and acknowledged your presence – is this not enough? Plus, don't forget one important detail – most of these phone calls are not with my friends, but rather connected in one way or another with our children. And I shudder to even contemplate what will happen if I hang up on your mother or one of your siblings – this horrible faux pas will probably be mentioned at our baby's Bat Mitzvah – or possibly even her wedding reception.

5) Our desire for physical intimacy is not some trivial biological need that we should just suppress until the kids are older. It is an expression of our desire for a deep and profound connection with you. When you rebuff it, it is hurtful and we feel rejected. Imagine if we are always too tired to talk to you.

R: Here is the simple truth: by the time I hit the pillow at night, I am unconscious about 95% of the time. Blame it on the following: unending housework that I do ( and you somehow do not see the results of), kids' schools, homework, teachers, bath time, or what have you; the endless food shopping and other errands, commuting to work, endless frustration from the job itself, the thankless task of constant diplomacy (above the level of the State Department requirement) in dealing with your family – any one of these, all of them, or any combination of the above completely drain my physical and mental energy. As a side note – I wanted to take a few years off from work after our son was born so I could be home with children, but your parents frowned at the idea of their darling child working alone in order to support the lazy queen at home. So, sweetheart, whatever the cause may be, the effect is – I am usually comatose at night. But, to paraphrase a popular book, if necrophilia is your thing, I am not stopping you. And, yes, usually you ARE to tired to talk to me – regardless of the topic of conversation.

6) Our jobs are important to us – for our self-worth, for a feeling of accomplishment, and because we want to provide for our families. Please try to understand that we work hard and are actually not on the golf course all day.

R.: Darling, the fact that you wanted to support our family from day one is one of the reasons I liked you from the beginning. I understand that your work takes a lot out of you – but I work too. You require time to decompress after a tong day at the office before you can talk to me or the children with any degree of civility – I never get this option. And, yes, I did not work while on maternity leave – but it was no picnic by any stretch of the imagination.

7) You seem to think we’re incompetent but we are actually capable of watching our children – and even doing a good job of it! If you want to have a break and get out of the house, please go – and trust us.

R: Oh, wow! Does this come from the same man who would not let me go to supermarket on Thursday night because he was afraid to be with our newborn for less than an hour? The same person who kept berating me for having the audacity to leave him with a screaming baby so that I could go to the mikva? I am duly impressed with your maturity and attitude change! I am taking you up on your offer this coming Sunday and going out with my friend for a few hours- and then ( just for the sake of science) I will count how many phone calls I would get asking me where the coats are, how come we are out of milk, are any of our kids allergic to peanut butter, is the kugel in the fridge dairy or pareve, why are they fighting over the same pack of crayons, et cetera, et cetera. Finally, I wonder at how much time would pass before I would be asked about how long I was planning to talk idiotic nonsense to my friend. But, hey, hope springs eternal. On the second thought – scratch the whole friends outing! May I just have a nice, long, uninterrupted nap? Then maybe we could address your concern listed at #5.

8) We are not another one of your children. Please don’t speak of us that way (we don’t think it’s cute) when talking with your friends, and please don’t treat us that way. It diminishes us and you.

R: OK, you got me there, pal! I am completely stumped – what precisely are you talking about? Unless you are referring to the times when you decided to justify the saying “a woman gets her first child the day after the wedding”, and I called you on it (but did not discuss it with any of my friends), I really have no idea what you are talking about and what the issue is.

9) We really wish we could give you all the material possessions your heart desires. It is painful to us that we can’t. Please don’t increase the pressure by constantly criticizing us about it.

R: I appreciate the sentiment, darling, I really do! But what material possessions are we talking about? The jewelry I got after our first son was born? I really did not want them – your family insisted. My perfume collection? They are presents from my mom and my sister. My wig? You kept making a hole in my head (forgive the pun) till I got one. Clothing for the kids? They do grow, you know; and I can't always insist on the younger ones wearing the hand me downs from their older siblings – it's simply unfair. My clothing? I am sorry, but it is usually more expensive than yours – you are welcome to tag along with me and find out for yourself. Family vacations are non-negotiable, I am sorry. As for criticizing you – are we talking about my suggestion of a homemade lunch for you at least twice a week as opposed to take out? Or my annoyance at your purchase of the new phone and an ipad before the necessary bathroom repairs? I do apologize, most humbly! In my obtuseness I somehow decided that, as we own the house, it really would be a great idea to make sure there are no leaks in the ceiling, and it pains me to know that I caused you pain and distracted you from the ipad enjoyment for an entire evening.

10) We are simple creatures with simple needs. We don’t require elaborate dinners on fancy china. We just want the comfort of a warm home and the love of a good woman.

R: I love you very much, sweetheart, but dealing with your moods somehow makes me doubt the validity of your claim for simplicity. You may not require elaborate dinners or fancy china, but I sometimes actually do – and if any member of your family comes to visit, simple fare and disposable dishes are not an option. Believe it or not, but one of my main reasons for marriage was the desire to be a loving wife who provides a warm home for her (hopefully) equally loving husband. I make every possible effort to achieve that goal, but I am human and ergo not perfect; however, I would dearly appreciate the same effort (or at least an attempt) on your part.

Your loving wife.


And, gentlemen, bonus point from me personally, and not from the imaginary wife: there are two logical reasons for putting down the toilet cover: 1. There is less of a chance of something falling inside and necessitating repairs and 2. Less germs get in the air, especially if your bathroom is on the small side. So, please don’t complain about our toilet seat nagging – we actually do have a point.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 6

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is a bit on the cool side, and the sun is gone for now - still loving it (although not as much as yesterday's weather). I think George finally settled on his fave window - it's the only one that still has a pretty much intact window shade. Sniff is now nibbling not only on my flippies, but on Baby Bro's yoga mat as well. He dragged it out of its hiding and made a couple of nice holes - not bad for a cat (even a largish one). Both of them came to snuggle with morning - each on their favorite side. Alton Brown was talking about sinco de maya food - boo!!! But Marc Summers was talking about America's fave starters, beginning with buffalo wings; Paula always saves the day with her unbelievable desserts, and Ina is talking about different flavored butters! Eat in good health, America! And speaking of effin 5th of May - waiting for the stories of mexicans offended by American flag, like they were last year and the year before. Graduate School of Theology at Abilene Christian University was transformed over the weekend into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and all the professors were given new names from the HP books - what a fantastic way to teach theology! Reese Witherspoon decided to brave it and put on a baseball cap with City of Atlanta PD on it, which prompted the debate about whatever it was a wise move on her part - I think we need to consult a couple of philosophy professors on this one, just to clarify the point and end the debate. 15 snacks that are not recommended during work - people, what planet are you from? When you are at work, and you missed lunch because at least 5 people want a piece of you, and it's after 3, and your hands are shaking from hunger - the LAST thing on your mind is how healthy the bloody snack is! "Aguilera rocks bombshell dress" - when she does something that involves the actual work of the brain waves, then you can report it; going around in "bombshell" dresses is basically an everyday occurrence to her. "How to do your makeup in 90 seconds" - just ask a working mother for a demo. "Bad managers cost the US economy billions in lost productivity each year, a new study finds" - I guess the study started and ended in DC. Justin Bieber, together with Usher, are facing a 10 mil lawsuit from 2 Virginian songwriters over the copy-write infringement - considering the infantile contents of their songs, even that they stole? "Kim Kardashian's Pregnancy Symptoms Include Swollen Feet" - in other news, I made myself pancakes for breakfast. And, finally, drum roll! Now, according to Prince Harry and some other sources, Kate and Will are having a boy - people, wait already! It's not that long, for pete's sake! Also, get a life. Coffee this morning in my Disney Dalmatian Spots mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 5

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! The nice weather is holding - yay! George and Sniffles continue to hold their positions on the respective beds; also, George is not exited about his amazon box anymore. But he did try to answer the phone this morning - and dropped the dratted thing in the process. Daniel Radcliffe predicts that his next movie is going to be a hit - yea, because most of the still star-struck Potter fans are going to run and see it. Keira Knightley is trending at #6 because she got married - mazal tov, and please stay away from further Austen dramatizations. IRS is complaining that they are unable to collect all the taxes owed - start with your own staff, guys. Hummus is conquering America, thanks, of course, to an Israeli company - go, Jews! Miley Cyrus is very exited to be #1 on Maxim's hot list - a true accomplishment. Porsche unveiled a new car that can outrun a 747 on takeoff - I wonder how many men who never grew up are already lining up for that one. The cheapest tequila makes the best margarita - nice to know. Justin Bieber showed "sensitivity" to muslim women during his Dubai show by not performing his usual dance with a member of an audience - spare me. And, finally, Kate was blamed for the - are you ready for it? - the shrinking size of handbags! Coffee this morning in my blue wine glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather is beautiful - enjoying it as much as possible! The effin Food Network is doing their cinco de maya special - flipped a bird, waved my American flag, and turned them off. This morning my dear pet, aka Sniff, hissed at me 3 times while I was trying to free his claws from my sheet. George is making circles around windows - he can't figure which one he loves the most, as his fave one is blocked by the a/c. This morning I was trying to violate Bloomberg's edicts in the laundromat - was blasting the soundtrack from Batman Begins and some classical numbers in order to drown The View blaring from the laundry's TV. Daniel Radcliffe claimed that Frankenstein was the best script he ever read - I don't know which one he read, but HP scripts definitely sucked, so almost anything could be better than that. Barbie is attacked again for not looking like real women - why attack the poor doll?!! Just look at any magazine cover, movie, commercial, tv show, what have you - do any of these women look real?!! Only in the eyes of men. So, let the kids play, for pete's sake! Unemployment rate is at 4 year low - who run their stats, Penny from the Bin Bang Theory? Actually, my apologies to Penny - she is at least honest, unlike the politicians and their flunkies, who lie without any concept of embarrassment. Jennifer Lawrence risked it and went on the red carpet without make up - congrats, Jennifer! You are a real hero - more so than our ladies serving in the military! Poor Gwyneth - apparently, it's difficult for ordinary people to relate to her because of her lifestyle - duh!!! She also had a lot of terrible times in her marriage, suffered a lot, but kept quiet - till she spilled it all in an interview for the entire world to see and emphasize with her. Virgin is going to go high fashion with their uniforms in order to bring glamour back to flying - how about just bringing more leg and butt room, and less money for the tickets? I would take this over stuard in a three-piece suite any day. Bieber stopped his concert in Istanbul in time for the muslim prayer - why the hell is in he playing in a muslim country to begin with? Nothing new on the Kate front. Coffee this morning in my striped glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 2

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is magnificent! But Sniff is still hanging by his pipe in the bathroom when he is not hanging by Baby Bro's bed, or eating my flippies, or just making a general nuisance of himself. I went to the library to check if my reserves were ready - they were not, but somehow I came back with 8 books (well, at least I did not have to pay for them). Alton Brown was talking about celery - I wonder what secret service told him when they visited him on parteigenosse Michelle's orders. But Marc Summers was talking about stuffed foods, beginning with hostess cakes - yay! And Ina made a dessert of sweetened berries, meringue, and whipped cream for Mariska Hargitay! Of course, camera did not show Mariska actually eating it, but still fun. Daniel Radcliffe is "set to play in Tokyo Vice", and Emma Watson is the highest paying actress in Hollywood - ah, the magical world of Harry Potter that keeps enriching even the mediocre actors! Trending at # 1 - David Tutera filed for divorce from his husband; the filing by the husband alleges that Tutera has a "sex addiction" - homosexual marriage is such a wonderful thing, because, according to the people in the know, homos are the most loyal lovers. Yuk and barf - they are the most promiscuous part of the society! Aniston is postponing her wedding so she won't get married close to Jolie/Pitt knot-tying - lady, give it a rest! You were married to a bastard who cheated on you in front of the whole country! Don't give him another thought! And believe me, both - or rather- all four of you will get plenty of attention to satisfy your narcissistic needs. Trending at #4: Leo DiCaprio is planning to take a break from acting - hurray for not seeing mediocracy for a while; what bothers me, though, is the fact that he won't just be enjoying his millions in peace, but indulge in envirowacoism on a rather large scale. Bill Clinton admitted that his fave movie is "Who Is Your Daddy?" - to quote a popular book "the rich seam of humor that I could mine from this is endless." Justin Bieber caused trouble in Istanbul airport - big deal! What else is new? According to Hollywood Life, Kate is making sure to avoid stretch marks by using coco butter with vitamin E - yea, whatever. Stretch marks are as sure occurrence as the corruption is in politicians. And HuffPo also run a piece titled "Secrets of the Royal Nursery" - duh! It's a crib, a dresser, and a bunch of toys - secrets, my gluts! And, finally, a former military man in Wisconsin made his daughter a custom camouflage-themed prom dress - go, military dad! Coffee this morning in my clear funky glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - MAY 1

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather continues to rock - yay, sun! Even though George is officially Baby Bro's kitty, and Sniff is officially mine, Sniff prefers his bed and George - mine. Cantankerous psychotic pets! Last night, while flipping the channels, I got to Grimm and discovered that now the sword of Mohamed is also considered a special and powerful object in the lore of supernatural/fantasy/horror shows - oy, gevalt! Rejoice, of fans of Downton Abbey - Lily James was chosen as Disney's Cinderella since Emma Watson turned down this role. Jennifer Lawrence is trending at #1 because she is dating! Um, she is an adult past the age of consent - why is this news? Demi Moore is trending at #5: she reunited with her daughter Rumer during and after yoga class - serenity now! Photos of young Angelina Jolie resurfaced and are making waves: not only because she was "breathtaking", but also because her younger version is a dead ringer for Mila Kunis - same plastic surgeon? For the love of all that's holy, people, just go to the museum of "white art" and rediscover for yourselves what truly beautiful looks like! Sara Jessica Parker refuses to own a cell phone - that affects me how, exactly? "Movie studio hires a trainer for Carrie Fisher" - grandma Leia in a bikini chasing grandkids over Mikonos together with currently vacationing there Kardashians? That's going to be one heck of a movie! NASA apparently has a "huge tab" with Russia - why the hell are our own space shuttles in the bloody museums while we are paying huge tabs to those degenerates?!! Lack of friends can shorten your life span - duh! "Has Justin Bieber's Latest Reunion with Selena Gomez Put Her Pals in Crisis Mode?" - as the old Jewish saying goes, I should have such problems! And rumors are flying that Kate is already planning a second baby - good luck, Your Highness! Coffee this morning in my Harry Potter mug - the newer version.

PESACH 5773

So, another Pesach come and gone. My mom always feels a bit cheated – because we (especially ladies) put sow much effort in it, and then, poof, 7-8 days, and it's gone!

This time around it also came to me again (and stronger): how much time and physical effort we waste on spring cleaning and other assorted (and, might I add, unnecessary) nonsense before the holiday, resulting in the first (and sometimes even second) Seder spent in almost total stupefaction. I mean, come on – do the kitchen, buy food, and then annul chometz – that's all! Of course, we feel like we have to greet Pesach in a totally organized house, scrubbed from top to bottom – but it's usually a loosing proposition, even if you don't have kids running around and hiding snacks in places no professional spy would ever dream of. On the side note – it always amuses me to think about gentiles approaching spring cleaning with such serious intent and having no idea of the origins of this quaint little custom.

Over all, my Pesach was nice and enjoyable, and I thank all my friends who fed me. But this time I also realized that, as much as I love the company, I am a bit old for this racket. I really, really would love to have someone at home to cook for and have a seuda with.

Of course I did not make it to services once, but can still produce a decent fashion report. In a nutshell: despite Pesach being a spring holiday, when everyone is breaking out their summer wardrobe, and some color does appear (even in New York), this year the weather was a bit blah-y and yuck-y, resulting in almost complete proliferation of black ensembles among the good womenfolk of South Brooklyn.

And what holiday can escape the occasional genius statements at the festive table? This year was no exception, and included, among others, discussions pro gun control, superiority of Israeli medicine as opposed to ours, and my cute devotion to this country.

Pesach corresponds to the time we were chosen for our special mission. As long as we remember that, re-experience our freedom from slavery, and remind ourselves once again about the tremendous responsibility and great blessing of being Jews, the frantic spring cleaning and drunken stupor during and after Seder were not in vain.   

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 30

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather seem to be improving - sun came out, yay! Sniff re-discovered the cat house, and George is, once again, snoozing on my bed. The crazy upstairs is back with a vengeance. Baby Bro got himself a Galaxy Note - congrats to him! Which also brought to me once again the realization of what a dinosaur I am - because I hate touch-screens, and it looks like no one is making new phones with keypads anymore. Marc Summers is talking about movie time snacks - watch out, Marc! There are 4 - FOUR - benefits to a late-night snaking - go figure. The Kingdom of Netherlands got a new king, who "pledged to use his ceremonial position as head of state to help steer his country through uncertain economic times" - Your Majesty, how about remembering the glorious past of your freedom-loving country and dealing with the muslim scourge? Out of 12 top America's boom towns 4 are in Texas - go, Lone Star! Of course, DC made it on the list as well - as I said before, cowardice, treason, and hatred of America pays big time. Out of 13 ways to lower your blood pressure, #1 is not putting more than 41 hours a week for work - yea, and then you are going to develop hypertension on unemployment. Good news though - dark chocolate and red wine lower your blood pressure as well, yeppeee!!! Kelly Osbourne claims that hula hooping, which she did as a child, helps her keep in shape; among other hoop aficionados, however, are parteigenosse Michelle and Beyonce - thanks for ruining my childhood fun for me! Frankenfish spotted in NY city - oh, big effin deal! We got Andrew Coumo for a governor, Michael Bloomberg for a mayor, and Chuck Shumer representing us in the Senate, plus untold millions of barbarians invading our city - frankenfish, please! Who gives a flying banana?! "Miley Cyrus gives Justin Bieber some much needed advice" - yea, speaking of lame leading the blind, or however you want to describe it. While in Greece on vacation, Kardashians were dancing and smashing the plates the Greek style - here is an image for you. And, finally, this is how Will and Kate spent their second wedding anniversary: he was on duty with his squadron, and she visited children hospice - so far, they are shaping to be so much better than his parents! Coffee this morning in my black Target glass.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 29

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! It's rainy again - but the sun will come out tomorrow! Baby Bro had guests over last night, which agitated our feline companions to no end - and now they are resting from all the excitement; George on my bed, and Sniff in the kitchen. The crazy upstairs is quite - but my dear rommie decided to pick up the mantel and was vacuuming cat hair from his knapsack. Also still wondering at who was it that gave our building manager a stern talking too - because today he looked positively dapper in a light lavender shirt that actually fits him. Alton Brown had a call or a visit, because he is talking about cranberries. Marc Summers, on the other hand, is talking about donuts - go figure. Also, wondering how Aarti is cooking with a huge bracelet on her right arm. A recent study conducted in England concluded that the holy Bible, Harry Potter, and 50 Shades are the most popular books in the British households - an interesting array, that. But as long as it's not Koran, the study yielded fantastic results. Trending at #5: Kate Hudson gets a surprise "star-studded" party for her 34th birthday - right here in NY, and I missed it! Heidi Fleiss is living quietly in Arizona, surrounded by parrots - gosh, if only Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton would follow her example! And yet another list: 9 health tips not to follow. The list suggests, among other things, that drinking coffee and alcohol is actually good for you, and that adults with BMI that qualified them as overweight lived longer than their skinnier counterparts - basically, eat, drink, be merry, and don't ever listen to anyone's advise, and you will live longer and happier life. Another advice - how to buy an engagement ring on a budget. Here is my take on it - just be a decent human being, and you can skip the ring altogether. "Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape Gets Reworked In Ray J's I Hit It First Music Video" - yuk and gross! "Selena Gomez is working on Sexy New Dance Moves - for Justin Bieber?" - another gross yukiness. By the way, they are yet to respond to my tweets. And, finally, happy second anniversary to Will and Kate! Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug.

BLOOD PRESSURE RISING

The almost instantaneous reactions to Boston bombings that were full of political correctness, America-hating, and sheer moronism did not, unfortunately, surprise anyone, especially yours truly. But when a couple of days later a former co-worker re-posted the following gem from one of her FB friends, my jaw almost literally hit my desk and my blood pressure jumped to the after-Obama's-election level.

Here it is in entirety:

“Boston Marathon Bombing Aftermath and Thoughts.

Most of us normal people have been shocked by the tragic events that have occurred on American soil proving how vulnerable we are if a lunatic is determined to injure and kill innocent bystanders.

My next comment and question does not intend to trivialise or diminish the bombing. I agree it's just awful and as a parent I could not think of anything worse happening to members of my family. It's heart wrenching.

However...

Why is it that when the USA or any of it's citizens are harmed by terrorists the media coverage is extensive and so thorough yet when over one million Israelis who have lived under the threat of rocket attacks for a considerable time longer and over seventy thousand Syrians have been slaughtered in their cruel civil war or women are gang raped in Egypt that we in the West do not have the same type of coverage or indeed concern for our fellow humans ? It is all ignored. It's not that important to Americans until it hits them.

For over sixty five years Israelis have fought, defended and bled. It was only a couple of days ago we remembered our dead Jews as we do annually. Where is the same concern by the Americans for those NON Americans who have died ?

In two one single day events in the USA, 9/11 and Boston, where terror has struck the hearts of fearful Americans we are brainwashed ad nauseum about their plight compared to those who have been living in fear for years and months.

Remember the Munich Olympics in 1972 where attempts to remember the murdered Israeli sportsman were deliberately thwarted in last year's London Olympics?

The Maalot killings of school children on the bus ?

The numerous homicidal bombers that killed innocent Israelis on their soil too ?

The terrorist attacks in the London underground ?

Spain's train ?

These are just a few incidents that come to mind. I am sure there are more.

So why is the USA so special or should I say so undeserving not to suffer like the rest of the world ?

Are Americans more special than anyone else ?

This same selfish attitude is also reflected through America's foreign policies not just it's news coverages.

It's a subliminal arrogance that needs to be rectified.

Despite what most self centred Americans might feel or believe, they are not the epicentre of attention nor should they be.

The bombing was awful I agree but there seems to be a huge imbalance when news stories are reported worldwide while other peoples' plight is often ignored for much longer periods.

Is it any wonder those who are less fortunate become contemptuous ?”

Now, I was not able to figure out where this wonderful individual resides, but I think he is an American who either still lives here or made an alyah. Either way, there are couple of questions I would like to ask him and also point out couple of salient points.

First of all, it is natural for anyone, including the media, to concentrate on the violence done to their own citizens as opposed to the violence done in another country.

Second, the vast majority of reporters in any free country are, unfortunately, very much left-leaning, with all the ensuing ugliness – and neither US, nor Israel, nor Western Europe are spared this plague.

Third, any country has a right to safeguard its interests in its foreign policy - why is only America selfish in doing so?

Fourth, who are the “less fortunate” - the ones who hate America, but are not averse to our foreign aid and military protection?

And, lastly, America and Americans ARE special – that's one of the many reasons why ungrateful wretches (including the ones from Israel) are breaking our borders and invading us illegally. And USA IS the epicenter of the world – the incontrovertible fact that many would love to deny (despite the enjoyment of the above-mentioned foreign aid and the military protection).

Finally, if this dude still resides in the US – don't let the door hit you on the way out!

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 28

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! Happy Lag B'Omer! The weather is supposed to delight us for the whole week - yay!!! Sniff, however, still likes his pipe; George is trying to wake up Baby Bro with a special brand of pathetic meowing. Daniel Radcliffe now claims that he is unable to shake of the "Harry Potter tag" - yea, Gd forbid you will remember the reason for your undeserved popularity. Emma Watson, meanwhile, "donned shorts" on Friday and browsed in a local furniture store with her "galpals", where later she "made herself comfortable" on a leather chair - I kid you not, that's basically the content of an entire article. Michael Jordan married his girlfriend and celebrated this happy occasion with 2000 guests - mazal tov! If I hear a peep from him about protecting the environment, however - watch out, Michael! Paltrow's "revealing" dress is still very much in the news: she looked hot, she was humiliated, the dress is "defended" - Paltrow and Co, just make up your minds already and move on! "It appears that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are happily Jelena once more" - rejoice, oh stone-death youth of today! There is also a list of 10 things never to say to a single person - printing it out in the unlikely even of socializing and stuffing it down the gullet of the first person who utters anything written there, especially #3 - "stop being so picky". Thank you, Woman's Day! GQ, on the other hand, published a list of 10 books from the 21st century that every man should read - how about we start with baby steps: every man should read books, and not just GQ, Playboy, or the sports section in the paper. Kardashians are vacationing in Greece - enjoy and please stay there! Nothing new on Kate front. Coffee this morning in my huge Pooh mug that Nat gave me.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 26

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather rocks! Sniff continues his wicked habit of taking the tissues and napkins out of garbage cans. George is hunting something on my bed. Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Blue Ivy were lunching in Paris - awww; could they please stay there already? Celine Dion's son is trending at #2 because, like his mommy, he likes high heels - poor kid! In ordinary family those pictures would just be a fond memories of childhood - but his are splashed all over the net. Prince Harry is trying his hand at broadcasting - good for your, Your Royal Highness! Would you have the intestinal fortitude to report on the plight of those of your people who are the members of the EDL? Another news from England: Stonehedge is hiring! I am running there! Oh, wait - muslim invasion, high taxes, socialized healthcare - nah, I am staying put. There are talks of remaking Guys and Dolls with with Channing Tatum and Joseph Gordon-Levitt - thanks, Hollywood! Not only do you not produce anything decent and/or enjoyable, you are also on the path to destroy all of the gorgeous classics produced by the previous generations! Michael Buble was singing on the subway - heck, I missed it! "Virgin America promotes in-flight flirting" - how about just some old-fashioned leg-and/or butt room? Amanda Bynes is trending at #9 because she shaved half of her head - big deal! Baby Bro shaves his whole head about once a week! And, finally, Kate dressed her baby bump in a cute polka dot dress and, together with her hubby and brother in law visited WB studios in London - they did look cute waving the wands. Coffee this morning in my striped glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 25

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather continues to be nice and sunny - even though Sniff is still hugging the pipe in the bathroom. George can't make up his mind between his new amazon box and the coat closet - although this morning he came to snuggle at around 4 am. For those of you concerned with my forgetting to claim my freebies from Godiva - yesterday I got mine for April! Yay! And that's how I was reminded that I forgot to congratulate myself with my professional holiday yesterday - so happy belated professional holiday to me! This morning Access Hollywood was bemoaning the fact that Paltrow got a lot of "snark" for being pronounced the most beautiful woman in the world, especially from NY Post - Post, thank you! Also, she showed "a little skin" at the Iron Man III premier yesterday - lady, you already got your accolades! Show a little self-respect and get dressed! And Miley's daddy looks like he changed his hairdo since I last saw him and grew a strange beard - I guess playing with hair runs in the family. Ina talks about cooking with cheese, and Marc Summers had a whole segment on chocolate addicts' paradise: I wonder why this channel is still transmitting - maybe because White House food censors have bigger fish to fry right now (pun intended). Speaking of which - people "in the know" recommend to splurge on the following "pantry staples": saffron, vanilla beans, infused oils, and balsamic vinegar - yea, people in the know, I think you confused a working person's pantry with the one in the White House. Harry Potter is still working his magic on the economic front - HP experience in Universal Orlando was so popular that they decided to build one in their LA park. Harry and Co - could you please come to us and get rid of our own Voldemort and his bunch here? We will collect all the muggle money you guys might need for this enterprise! W's Presidential library is opening today - congratulations, Mr. President! I disagreed with a lot of your decisions, but you love our country and did the absolute best you could! "8 Proven Ways to Make Your Child Smarter" - why is reading only #6?!! That's the #1 way to make your child smarter - and you in the process! Bieber's tour bus was raided for pot in Stockholm - how original! And, finally, Kate rocked another maternity number and another pair of high heels - plus, according to US Weekly, she also "made an adorable face" - awwwww. Coffee this morning in my personalized NY WB store mug - gosh, do I miss that place!

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 24

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is supposed to be amazing today - yippee!!! George is napping on my bed again. Sniffles was caught in the act of chewing on my new flippies - bad cat! Ina is talking about meatloaf, deviled eggs, and cake - the censors are asleep at the wheel once again! Daniel Radcliffe is "tearing himself away" from Harry Potter role - again, hate to be a broken record, but he never looked like Harry to me to begin with. Today show run a segment about why men should date women their own age about 2 hours ago - I wonder how many men are still sitting down and scratching their heads at this one. Gwyneth Paltrow was voted by People magazine as the most beautiful woman in the world - I wonder how many women are still raising their eyebrows at this one. Personally, I invite the staff of People to take a short trip north to the Met and see what real beauty looks like. A school in our neighbouring Garden State banned strapless gowns from their 8th grade prom, claiming that those gowns would be "distracting" for the boys - wow! The first reaction is - stupid asses! The second reaction is - how dumb are you, people?! Straps don't do much in terms of making a dress more or less revealing! The third reaction - did the principle take lessons from our dear cousins or our own nuts? Miley Cyrus and some other star whose name I don't recognized wore the same striped outfit - both looked equally scary in it, so there is no "who wore it best" in my opinion. The first ever item sold on ebay was a broken laser pointer - there is absolutely no accounting for taste. Zuckerberg was the first person on FB - duh! Teachers in UK are banned from using red ink - bloody morons! And, finally, Hollywood Life asked its readers whose maternity style is better - Kate's or Kim's? Ouch! Coffee this morning in my funky clear glass from Target.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 23

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather is cold and dreary, but, as I told before - no rain, no complain. Sniff was very lazy today and did not come to great his greatest fan. George decided to hide in the closet and not show up even for the breakfast bell. He also abandoned his old amazon box, and was issued a new one. The crazy upstairs is doing her stuff. Ina's show is dedicated to cakes and desserts - paging you know whom. 8 ways to be happy - unfortunately, the main one: staying the hell away from morons, was omitted from the list. But, on the other hand, interesting tidbit: the happiness is highest at 65! So, friends, rejoice - we got lots of hope yet! In the light of Witherspoon's recent antics, OMG compiled a list of celebrities "bizarre" responses to being arrested. Lohan, in my estimation, takes the cake: she was stunned at being arrested after she punched a psychic in a nightclub. Bieber deleted his "cozy" picture with Selena off twitter after twitting it - oh, for pete's sake, make up your minds already! "5 secrets men keep from women": #5 being that he would like to jump in the sack on the first date - since when is this a secret? A dude wanted to jump in the sack with me after lecturing me on weight loss, for eff's sake! "The best pools in Vegas" - how many people go to Vegas for the pools?!! Halle Berry's new X-Men costume is designed to hide her baby bump - interesting twist in the X-Men saga! A bride in Australia walked down the aisle in a dress made out of 10,000 bread tags - and here I thought that beading, petticoats, and long train make a wedding dress uncomfortable! "Jennifer Lawrence debuts short hairdo" - stop the presses, ladies and gents! Kris Jenner borrowed Kim's red lacy dress, trying to prove that she can do anything better and that she is "the queen of f-king everything" - and here I thought that usually daughters played with their mothers' dresses and make up (never mind the classiness of the whole clan). And, finally, people are very exited that Kate finally looks like she is pregnant - ladies and germs, if you are so busy bump-watching, how about combining business with pleasure and making sure all preggos get seats on our subways and buses? Coffee this morning in my huge Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 22

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather seems to be improving, but Sniffles was still hugging his pipe - which means it is still pretty cold. Also, yesterday he had an opportunity to sneak stuff from the Chinese take out - and he went for snap pea and a piece of broccoli! Well, I guess as a Democrat, it behooves him to listen to the edicts of parteigenosse Michelle. And speaking of food - Passover napkins are, ahem, not up to par. Happy Earth Day! Enviros - your many victims bear witness to your sins against humanity! The gun control advocates claim that "NRA is more powerful than ever" - up yours, bastards! That's what happens when you step on the jugular of American citizens! And now, to important stuff. Reese Witherspoon is trending at #3 right now: her hubby was arrested yesterday for DUI, and she - for disorderly conduct. Basically, when police stopped their car, she decided to "stand by her man" and asked the police if they knew who she was - which, of course, they did not. To give her credit, she apologized this morning - but, come on! As the host of Today show very nicely pointed out - if you are drunk, just call for a cab! Trending at # 5: Delta terminal at our very own JFK was evacuated yesterday because, yes, you guessed it - someone managed to avoid TSA's watchful eyes yet again, and a passenger raised an alarm. Good job, TSA, exceptional job! And yet another picture of Jesus was perceived by another faithful - this time in spilled fabric softener. Wow! I mean, I enjoy doing laundry - but I never realized it could give someone such sublime bliss as to see a face of deity in fabric softener! And Jennifer Lawrence is trending at #10 right now: at GLAAD Media award she "flubbed" Clinton's name and called him Gil. Honestly, I am more disgusted by her appearance at anything related to GLAAD than her mixing up Sleek Billy's name. Bieber "cuddled" with Gomez in instagram photo - once again, if they really are together, they are an ideal couple. And on Kate's front: her mulberry coat "showed off her baby bump" during the scouts visit - are they more concerned with her wardrobe or her figure, I wonder? No decision on coffee mug yet.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 21

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Weather is sunny, but cold - Sniff abandoned the cat house in order to warm up by the pipe in the bathroom. George still prefers my bed. Also, this morning Sniffles came to snuggle again and this time landed on my shoulder and my head and was breathing in my ear. Attention Brooklynites: today our dear borough is holding it's first ever hot sauce competition somewhere in Billy Burgh. "Radical Muslim cleric" (as if there is any other kind) from Australia who "inspired" the Boston marathon bomber hated Harry Potter - proof positive once again that if someone despises Harry, there is something seriously wrong with them. Trending at #6 right now: Eva Longoria's new show Ready for Love was "pulled" the by network - which is bad news indeed, as will leave her with more time to "advocate" for the "rights" of the illegal barbarian invaders. Trending at #9: Kim Kardashian admits that she is a hypocrite for having a baby out of wedlock even though she "judged" her sister Kourtney for doing exactly this - spare me the idiocy of your entire clan, the procreation of which is dangerous to the society at large - and I don't care if it's married of single. Trending at #3: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez caught kissing in Norway, which prompted the speculation of their getting together again - awww, Jelena resurrected! Vanity Fair pronounced Kate to be the best-dressed pregnant lady - which, I guess, is relatively easy to achieve when you have a decent clothing budged, and don't have to cook, clean, schlepp to work at 7 am, or cater to a husband who wants his house clean and dinner on time no matter how you feel. Baby Bro recently showed a marked preference to the green Target mug, and when I asked him why he admitted that one of the reasons is the absence of painted "advertisements". My coffee this morning is in Disney Dalmatian Spots mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 19

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! It's cloudy outside with rain threatening later on. The crazy upstairs is back with a vengeance. Baby Bro wants to enter Snif into cat races - we will see how that one is going to turn out. Ina was showing how to make a breakfast cake - where are you, parteigenosse Michelle? "Kaplan study shows that ESL educators use Harry Potter movies to teach English" - there are still people landing on these shores who actually want to learn English? Harry Potter magic at work again! Boston manhunt is trending at # 1 right now; but guess what is trending at #2? Kardahsian divorce! Yep, Kardashian-Humphries divorce settlement approved - so we can breathe easy (I assume especially after the Boston manhunt is over). And Kate Hudson was "oozing" elegance in her black dress and crock shoes - what is it about NY that propels everyone to wear black? And how can someone ooze elegance? Selena Gomez is still very much on Bieber's brain, and some reporters claim that a picture of her is his Iphone screensaver - maybe he was just too lazy to to change it? "Beyonce raises eyebrows with risque world tour outfits" - only her disgusting outfits raise everyone's eyebrows and nothing else? And Stile Blazer posted pictures of 15 celebrities with ugly feet - did they ever ride a NY subway? That's the collection of ugly feet right there. Coffee this morning in my Harry Potter mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 18

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! It's cloudy and not so cold outside. The crazy upstairs is pacing herself - meds do work! Both psychotic cats came in to snuggle this morning; now they are in peaceful slumber: George on my bed, and Sniff in the cat house - he got lucky again. According to Ina, anyone who makes brownies without butter should be arrested - beware, the owners of kosher bakeries! Also, she gave a whole lecture about how cooking with different alcoholic beverages adds a "depth of flavor" to your cooking and baking - music to my ears! Speaking of which - Cat Cora was arrested for DUI yesterday, which is trending at #7 right now - too much cooking with wine? Happy Birthday to Suri Cruise! According to her crazy daddy, her name means "princess" in Hebrew - spare us your idiocy, Tom! Trending at #3 are "Rihanna rumors": she cancelled a few of her shows, and people are now speculating on her being pregnant - if she is, I wonder if she will design her own maternity clothes, and if they will get a much criticism as her jeans. And speaking of preggos: guests at Jessica Simpson's shower got contraceptives as party favors - why?!! As in "don't repeat my mistakes" stuff? Pamela Anderson claimed that she never really felt beautiful - SOS! Baywatch fans to the rescue! According to the cast of Temptation, Kim Kardashian can really act - I guess that comes as a surprise to more people than the members of the cast of Temptation. Justin Bieber cancelled his concert in Oman due to low ticket sales - why did he want to perform there to begin with?!! And Kate ended up on Time's list of 100 most influential people - considering the others on this list (like parteigenosse Michelle), the honor is dubious at best. Coffee this morning in my smiley faces mug.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SISTER!

My dear sis!

Once again we are an ocean and half a continent apart on your birthday – and once again I am hoping against hope that this is the last time.

What can I say? I miss you! I miss the roommate who had a totally different thermostat than mine and whose OCD sharply clashed with mine. I miss the shopping guru who bought most of my clothes (the majority of which always turned out to be pink), and who made trips to department stores less of an ordeal. I miss my stylist, my make up artist, and my hairdresser. I miss my roaming companion who once insisted on hitting every single street fair for an entire summer just to get a specific silver ring for five bucks instead of six. I miss my OT who showed me all the useful stretches and hand exercises. I miss my coffee junkie buddy, a fellow Trekkie, and Harry Potter/Bridget Jones/Scarlet Pimpernel addict. I miss my dinners out companion who always complained about my very slow consumption and long stories. I miss my vacation friend who always walked in front of me with much bigger speed.

I miss my sister, my confidant, and my best friend!  I miss you tons, baby sis! Happy Birthday and many happy returns!   

Your loving older sister 

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 17

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! We got some sun - from now on am determined to enjoy all weather (except torrential rains) as we are about a month away from A/C season - and any, and I mean ANY weather, is preferable to that! A while ago George decided that water from his fountain (bought especially for him) is not good enough, so he was issued a drinking bowl - which, taking into account Baby Bro's humor, is pink. Sniffles is waking me up in the morning by coming to snuggle, head-butting my elbows and liking my arm, after which he proceeds to the main event - eating my blanket. TCM is showing 1936 version of Romeo and Juliette with Leslie Howard as Romeo - gosh, what a difference does a great actor make! You forget that he looks way over 17 and just enjoy his fantastic performance! Alton Brown was talking about cooking with alcohol - man, do we need it! And Ina is talking about making homemade candy and even has an owner from Dylan's Candy Shoppe on her show - where are you, parteigenosse Michelle?!! Jada Pinkett Smith is trending at # 2 because she re-made Annie with a black girl - Jada, I dare, no, I triple-dare you and your husband to produce a movie showing how your poor persecuted ancestors were sold into slavery by their African brothers! Madonna's daughter is trending at #6 because of her complains about her over-protective father - spoiled brat. Bradley Cooper lives with his mother at the ripe old age of 38 - is he Jewish, by any chance? Budweiser "dresses up its new can" - oh, come on! Do we really need to dress up a beer can? "007 Declassified: James Bond Was Almost Named James Secretan" - yea, he would never have become so popular with idiotic name like this. Selena Gomez was talking about reacting like a groupie upon meeting Brad Pitt "oh, he is so pretty!" - eww and barf! Coffee this morning in my San Fran latte mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 15

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is once again cloudy with temps below normal, but rain does not threaten till Wednesday - already a win. Happy Tax Day! Speaking of which - the commercial for Obama phone, otherwise known here as Assurance wireless, just played on channel 4. Both cats did not visit the cat house for a little while - too tired to fight for it? Mazal Tov to the Bush family on the birth of little Margaret Laura! May our country grow with her to more prosperity, strength, and freedom! According the study recently done by British Airways, more people prefer window seats as opposed to the aisle - for once I am in the majority. Paris Jackson, the daughter of late Michael, announced that she would like to be a surgeon. She also claims that she got a shot at normal life - which, I think, might be easier if she changed her last name. Matt Damon renewed his wedding vows by taking over an entire resort in St. Lucia - did anyone calculate the carbon footprint of this particular romance? Bieber's ex, aka Selena Gomez, was "rocking" a gold mini-dress reminiscent of Bond girl - can she rock anything aside from dresses and Bieber's world? Florida is invaded by giant snails - which is way better than being invaded by illegal barbarians. "The 7 Most Common French Toast Mistakes" - parteigenosse Michelle still allows us to eat french toast?!! Just went over a list of 7 "blind date horror stories" - did they interview every single Jewish woman in the greater NY? Because all of this sounds so effin familiar. According to LA Times, critics are being "too hard" on Bieber over "Anne Frank uproar" - once again, I would like to see the reaction of LA Times and other liberals if he blabbed something similar about Malcolm X. And nothing new on the Kate front. Coffee this morning in my green funky mug from Yves Rocher.

HALF A DAY IN NEW YORK

This past Wednesday I ended up traveling to the previously unexplored part of the Lower East Side – I went 3 more blocks east on Grand Street past . Funny vignettes from that day:

Observed a bunch of old dudes speaking Yiddish – they were Americans, and not Chassidim at all (which was kind of refreshing).

Tourists are loosing a lot of money traveling on tour buses when for a bargain price of $2.50 they can board NYC bus and see the exact same things. Plus, they get an opportunity to observe real Nyers in their real and unending craziness.

According to Starbucks my name is Camero – yea, go figure.

If you go to the farmer's market in April, the only fruit available are apples – they look like they were harvested back in October, but still cost 2-3 more than in the store.

Pleasant discovery - drug stores begin to sell flippies in April as "seasonal goods"!

And, last but least, according to the Rite Aid on Grand Street, my blood pressure returned to the pre-Obama levels – set course of self-therapy that includes ignoring morons in general, an liberals morons in particular, as much as possible is working.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 14

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! The weather is, well, no printable comment. Baby Bro suspects that George was an attack cat genetically manufactured by the CIA, and Sniff is the spawn of the devil sent to us by international Zionist conspiracy. According to the Orlando Sentinel, "today, there are more than 1,000 (Quidditch) teams from 45 states and 33 countries" - impressive! "Starbucks is cutting prices!" Translation: a 12 oz bag of their coffee is going to cost 8.99 instead of 9.99 in a grocery store - big whoop. "Diana Rigg played a...secret agent on the... Avengers long before the Game of Thrones" - I, on the other hand, knew about the Avengers, but just found out about the Game of Thrones - man, do I feel old! Among the foods that might preserve your memory is salmon, the prices on which are skyrocketing due to our current economic conditions and the relentless efforts of the envirowacos - deliberate attempt to wipe out our memories? But there is also a ray of hope - coffee helps to protect our memory as well! In the same vein: white wine is one of the "sneaky places sugar is hiding" - oh, go to the warm basement! "Gloria Steinem Defends Kim Kardashian's Pregnancy Weight" - that, in a nutshell, is why I despise the modern so-called feminists. Justin Bieber: "Anne Frank was a great girl, hopefully she would have been a Belieber"; this "kind of makes (huffpo) cringe - kinda and only cringe? I just wonder what would have happened if Bieber mouthed something similar about Malcolm X? And, finally, Daily News run a column about royal maternity styles, beginning, of course, with Kate, touching on a whole bunch of European royalty, and ending up with Queen Rania, of all people. Bottom line - ordinary preggos can't pull off the same schtick because they are, well, ordinary, don't have army of helpers, and can't afford those outfits. Coffee this morning in my musical notes mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 12

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! Tomorrow is Baby Bro's Bar Mitzva parsha - man, time flies! The weather is rainy and blah-y, but they threatened with sunshine and 60 degrees tomorrow. Ladies, I hope you had a fantastic Rosh Chodesh, did not kill yourselves with housework, and got something sweet from your husbands - sarcasm inserted only partially as yours truly is an eternal optimist. George decided once gain that my bed is a fun place to be and came in this morning to snuggle. Sniff, on the other hand, decided to ignore me - will, at least I was not leaked with his incredibly scratchy tongue. A new French study suggests that wearing a bra is not good for you - I guess the study was sponsored by the 60s feminists who thought it would be more interesting not to burn them, but put a "scientific" stink on them. Gwyneth Paltrow claims that she tried Botox and it made her look like Joan Rivers - just looking at Joan Rivers did not stop her? Somebody who describes herself as "Mexican-American" (an oxymoron in itself) was complaining about the latest issue of Mexican Barbie, claiming that the doll's outfit is not authentic - here is a lesson for you, Mattel designers! Next time you add to your Dolls of the World collection, strive to produce only dolls from the civilized parts of the world - because no matter how much you genuflect to barbarians, they are never satisfied and just attack and belly-ache instead. Another so-called artist produces artistic projection of what our country would look like as a result of global warming - hell, what courage! How about photographing the people in Africa who suffer from malaria as a result of DDT ban? I triple-dare you! "Jay-z, White House at odds over Cuba Trip" - well, as despicable as Jay-Z is, my money is on Hussein lying, not him. "Beers to Drink if You Are Watching Your Weight" - oh, go to the warm basement! Selena Gomez is "hanging out" with Bieber's friends in order to annoy him - they really do deserve each other. And Kate Middleton enjoys watching "Keeping up with Kardashians" - I guess our similar tastes end up with color emerald. Coffee this morning in my green Target mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 11

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! Happy Rosh Chodesh! Ladies, again - LIGHT housework and presents from your husbands! The weather is still crazy and much colder - no word on Ohio prosecutor filing new charges against Phil. The crazy upstairs is alive and kicking. George still prefers his amazon box to my bed, unless he wants to be petted - in which case it has to be done on my bed. Sniffles dropped Survival Cracker box from the top of the book case, then fluffed his tail 6 times its usual size and ran around the place like crazy. Last night Baby Bro re-arranged the canned goods in the pantry - because my neurotic arrangement of them was irritating his neurosis. Argentina's President will not be invited to Iron Lady's funeral, which "political snub" will further diplomatic antagonism between 2 countries - who needs good diplomatic relations with Argentina anyway? Back in 2010 Taylor Swift claimed that black eyeliner is one "beauty tool" she can't live without - and yet she appeared on the latest issue of Wonderland magazine without it! Kelly Clarkson, on the other hand, appeared with a bunch of black dots on her face - 18th century fashion taken to idiotic extreme. Ellen Pompeo showed up in pants strongly resembling pajamas - and here I thought only guys rolled out of bed and went straight to their destination. Karlie Kloss (some kind of Victoria's Secret supermodel) got an "it" hairdo which VS fans do not appreciate - somehow I never envisioned Victoria's fans concerned with hairdos. Basically, there are so many fashion-related news - stop the presses! Charlie Sheen appeared on Leno and talked about doing an episode of his show with Lindsay Lohan - all I can say is, I can't figure out who has more class, Charlie or Lindsay. PETA is trying to scare kids off milk by claiming on their billboards that drinking milk increases zits - why don't you starve yourselves and leave the kids alone, you jackals?!! In California police arrested 5 men who were rubbing banks "Hollywood style" - big whoop; if they robbed the bank Obama-style, that would have been a height of skill! Kim Kardashian is sticking to all black outfits for the third trimester - I guess her stylist was dispatched to Jewish Brooklyn for style tips. "Justin Bieber is only half as popular as he seems on Twitter" - there is still hope for the younger generation. And last, but not least in the fashion news - "Kate Middleton Helped Make Emerald the Color of 2013". Wow, did not know that the duchess and I have similar taste - at least in colors. Coffee this morning in my Disney Mini Bean Bag Plush with Mickey and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 10

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! Happy Rosh Chodesh! Ladies, please, please don't forget - VERY light housework and a gift from your hubby! Weather went completely bananas - thanks, Phil! George abandoned my bed for now in favor of his amazon box. Sniffles, on the other hand, came to snuggle this morning and even laid down next to the pillow, not on it! Of course, five minutes later he decided to nibble on my phone charging cord again, effin democratic infiltrator! Today is National Siblings Day - hello, beloved sibs! Here is a shout to you from your wonderful and neurotic older sister! This weekend Kissimmee, FL, is holding a Quidditch World Cup competition! Surprisingly, England will not participate - only Canada, Mexico, France, and, of course, us. Interesting mix, to say the least - but, hey, go USA!! Granddaughter of Charlie Chaplin is in the Game of Thrones - should I order the premium channels with HBO? Nah, pass. A "celebrity chef" penned up a book telling parents how to make sure your kids eat healthy. One of the first rules - don't loose patience too quickly. Dude, you are only feeding one kid! Did you try to feed a healthy breakfast to 3 kindergardeners while trying to make sure nobody is horrifically late?! Or try to feed dinner to couple of overtired kids with a hungry, ergo unreasonable male in the background? Patience, my coccyx! Playboy Bunny House is on sale for a mere 11 mil - I wonder who is going to buy it. "Assistant White House chef faces furlough" - poor schmuck! He assisted parteigenosse Michelle in her let's move garbage, and she is going to furlough him, but not cancel her vacas or White House concerts. Bieber is trending at #6 right now because of his haircut - at least he stayed dressed this time around. And last, but not least: according to Hollywood Life, Kate and Will are closer than ever because of the coming baby - DUH!!! Coffee this morning in my clear funky glass from Target - and, yes, it was cold!

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 9

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Tuesday! The weather continues to amaze - for now in a good way. The crazy upstairs is at it again. A post-Passover (or is it post-Easter) miracle occurred in our building - they are installing CCTV! Sniffles is closely following the noises from the hall. George is still enjoying his amazon box. Both of them are still hunting. Sniffles also meets me when I go out ofthe shower - and I can't figure out if it's his love for me or the newly rediscovered heating pipe. Also, somebody finally convinced our building manager that if he wears a shirt that looks clean and ironed, fits him, and is actually buttoned over his beer gut, that does not look like he is not working hard. Christina Hendricks was born a blonde, but dyed her hair red at the age of 10 because of "her obsession with Anne of Green Gables" - awww, how sweet! Kanye West is trending at # 6 because he is being sued for allegedly "sampling" the songs of the "late songwriter David Pryor" - interesting. What does sampling mean anyway? Not that I wouldn't put anything past Kanye, mind you. Joel Osteen is trending at # 7 because somebody decided to play an "elaborate internet hoax" and claim that he is leaving the church - people, yesterday was the 8th, not the 1st of April! Plus, the bigger joke would be to claim that a group of about 5 thousand muslims made a pilgrimage to the WTC site and loudly proclaimed "The bastard sons of the hyenas who did this perverted our faith! Our hearts go out for the victims and their families!" Yea, that would be a nice hoax! Osteen leaving the church - pfffft! Beyonce's and Jay-Z's Cuban trip was fully licensed, you haters! Of course it was - they are the court musicians at the Court of Obama! A dude in Texas decided to move the wedding up a few months without telling his bride because he did not want to delay the nuptials any longer - that's love, guys! According to Hollywood Life, Kim Kardashian is lying about her July due date and may actually have a baby earlier - sign of relief! Could you imagine her and Kate giving birth in the same month?!! Bieber and Selena are both "hooking up" with other people, and "it may be time to say goodbye to Jelena" - so say it already, for pete's sake! And Kate Middleton agreed to become a godmother to a new cruise ship for the Princess Cruises called Royal Princess - another hint that she is having a daughter? Coffee this morning in my Get a Grip mug - the first picture that is staring at me tells me that paradise is a state of mind - amen to that!

TRIP TO TARGET

Tonight I finally made it to my all time favorite non-food store – Target. Here are some interesting vignettes from my trip:

1. If you start mentally adding the value of items already in your shopping cart, you will end up leaving the store with 5 bags instead of 10.

2. I am totally justified in never, never, ever picking up the item from the top of the pile, as observed and smelled 3 barbarians trying (and not buying) a whole bunch of air fresheners.

3. Was hoping against hope to get some snazzy flippies – and, as always, was disappointed. Not only are all of their flip-flops expensive, but they either are completely flat or too high. Also, they were having a silly sale ridiculously called “ladies love flip-flops”, where they discounted every pair of those by 99 cents – give me a break, Target!

4. And, finally, a sign of old age – you are beating yourself up for not getting a set of kitchen towels you admired for about half a year (and now they are gone). Kitchen towels, for pete's sake!

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 8

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Monday! The weather is magnificent! George and Sniffles continue their hunt in the kitchen - the hunting zone was expanded to include the shelves and the surrounding area. "British actress Emma Watson gained a new respect for strippers after learning to pole dance for new movie The Bling Ring"; she also took her lessons "while studying literature at Britain's prestigious Oxford University" - good for you, Emma! Nice going...Dennis Rodman is trending at #2 right now because he was fired from the Celebrity Apprentice - oh, come on! The dude just went to North Korea as an ambassador, for effs sake! Give him some respect! Jenna Jameson is trending at #3 due to her being charged with battery - I guess all those pole dancing classes paid off in her case. Beyonce and Jay-Z celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary in Cuba - awww; the only problem is - they eventually came back. Duck Dynasty stars went "glam" for the ACM awards - go, rednecks! Too bad they did not bring their guns with them. Julian Lennon, John's son, just turned 50 - hell, do I feel old! Hollywood Life can show me how to get Kourtney Kardashian's glam braids in 5 minutes - thanks, but no, thanks. Also according to this august publication, Bieber got a new "sexy" haircut as a fresh start after Selena - oh, give me a break! That is how dude deals with a broken heart today?!! And, finally, US weekly, another intellectual publication, run a spread titled "Kate Middleton's Royal Pregnancy Style: How the Duchess Is Dressing Her Baby Bump" - frankly, all I could see was a succession of coats and jackets, plus a whole bunch of boots and gorgeous high heeled shoes. Coffee this morning in my Coffee Bean/Tea Leaf mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 7

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! The weather report is threatening us with rocking temperatures...and rain; well, we will take what we can. Our pests, eh, pets, are on the hunting expedition for about a week now - they are hunting something (or someone) under the fridge and under the stove. The vigil is almost constant - they take turns and even slumber on the kitchen floor between the stove and the fridge. Shakira's ex-boyfriend is trending at #6 right now because he is suing her for 100 mil claiming to be her manager from 2000 to 2010 and helping her with lucrative deals. She claims that she was already a star when they met, that he advised her occasionally, but was never her former manager - basically, good luck getting it out of her, buddy! And, of course, high class all around. Right below that, at #7, is Kathy Griffin - Bravo canceled her show. I guess viewers do not turn on Bravo in order to hear profanities uttered against Sara Palin, tea-party, American patriots, etc - for that they turn on CNN or MSNBC. And guess what's trending at #1? Pattinson and Stewart seem to be going strong and all "lovey dovey" - rejoice again, oh twihearts! Among 10 non-healthy habits is adding cream and sugar to your coffee - of course, nothing beats the unhealthy habit of actually reading nonsense about unhealthy habits. Manhattan, NY, is the costliest place in the USA to live right now, followed by Brooklyn, NY! at #2, with Queens, NY! at #6 - uh, what the hell?!! This is one effin city! Unsurprisingly, Washington, DC, made the list as well at #8 - I guess screwing up your own country always pays. Drum roll, please! "Amid fashion flack, Kim Kardashian ditched belly-covering garments and bared it all in a new Instagram posted on Saturday. In the self-portrait, Kim, who is expecting her first child with Kanye West, poses in front of a mirror and exposes her generous bump, writing 'Baby Love.'" - aw, here comes another spittoon-worthy moment. "Justin Bieber lands 7th place on '50 most popular women on web' list" - don't know how to properly react to this one. Meanwhile, Kate was presented with a Barbie version of herself by a little girl in Scotland - don't worry, Kate, I think you look better than this. Also, Will is really "keen" on making a video of her giving birth, but she is afraid of it (the video) falling into the wrong hands - dude, listen to your wife! Coffee this morning in my huge Disney Pooh and Friends mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 5

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Friday! Happy Erev Shabat! The weather situation is still improving - well, it's only April 5. The crazy upstairs is back with a vengeance. Emma Watson claims that if anyone wants to woo and romance her, they better stay away from Harry Potter and Hermione Granger references - makes perfect sense! Why remind a talentless actress about the origins of her claim to fame? "Rachel McAdams hair" is trending at #2 right now - because she dyed her hair red "post-breakup with Michael Sheen". Well, if you asked me, she looks her best as a brunette. And speaking of dark locks: the latest study reveals that men prefer brunets to blonds, claiming that they (dark-haired chicks) are deeper and more loving - too many blond jokes affected their opinion? And at #4: Madonna's daughter is dating! Honestly don't know what to say about that one. Post office clerk is one of the 10 "doomed" jobs in USA - no kidding, Sherlock! There are also 17 ways to be happier at work - I think at this point it's only 1: "thank Gd I still have a job". And people in Maine are trying to steal sap from maple trees for the syrup - enterprising. "Kardashian's maternity woes prompt a style lesson" - poor Kim took a lot of abuse from tabloids over her maternity style, which allowed another preggo stylist to write a whole article about what preggos should and should not wear. "Five schools in Norway have been forced to alter their exam dates out of fear that students won`t be able to focus when Justin Bieber comes to town to perform" - good going, Vikings, good going! Socialism, cow-towing to muslims, and now this?!! Will was "snubbed" by one of his 4-year old fans who at first demanded a kiss from him, and then changed her mind - yea, getting kissed at the age of 4 is generally yikes, so, I don't know why she wanted one to begin with. And, finally, Kate talked about her pregnancy, telling that her friends keep texting her baby name suggestions, that she and Will have a short list of names for both a boy and a girl, and that the baby is due in mid-July - at which point the world would finally find out the sex and the name of the baby. Coffee this morning in my green Target mug.

NUMBER 300 - WELCOME, BABY NIECE!

This is 300^th entry to this blog – gosh, I have been really prolific (insert sarcasm)! But, being specially numbered, this entry is dedicated to my tiniest niece.

Yes, to my everlasting shame, I never posted about her birth before now! So, to rectify my error – I got another niece!! She was born on December 28, beating her oldest sister, Mini Beloved Sibling, by 3 days on the general calendar, but trailing behind her on the Hebrew one – she was due on Chanukah, but took her sweet time coming. As a matter of fact, she took so much time deciding to join us, that medical workers already wanted to assist her – but in the end, she arrived on her own, almost literally at the 11^th hour. And, on the side note, her birth convinced me, once again, that even with supposedly decent doctors and nurses, socialized medicine stinks to high heaven.

Her birth was eagerly anticipated by her older siblings and she was greeted with fantastic smiles upon their first meeting. They get upset when she cries, fight over the privilege to hold her, and eagerly assist with the diaper changes. Her big brother was a bit discomfited after finding out that he had another sister – but his smile upon seeing her for the first time was the biggest!

So, here is to you, our beautiful girl, the first member of our family to be born in the Holy Land! We love your delicious chubby cheeks and innocent smiles! May The Heavenly Father bless your fuzzy head and protect it always!

PS: Editor's note – for the lack of better definition, she will be thereupon referred to in this publication as Baby.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 4

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Thursday! The weather is supposed to be improving and getting warm - we may even hit 60 next week! Again, I'll believe it when I see it. Sniffles takes every opportunity he gets to climb in the cat house; George was issued a new Amazon box, which he is enjoying presently. One enterprising real estate agent (ours, of course) calculated that the approximate value of Hogwarts castle in today's market would be $204,102,000 - well, we can always redistribute the homes of every single eco-hypocrite like Gore, Di Caprio, Streisand, et al, and come up with the needed sum in no time. Reese Witherspoon is currently trending at #7 because she went brunette - shocking indeed, as we have grown so accustomed to her sun-kissed locks. Hayden Panettiere, meanwhile, got in the news because she "sparks breast implants rumors" - I wonder who is more interested in this, men or women. JWoww, the godmother of Snooki's son Lorenzo, gave him a "surprising gift" - she started a college fund for him. Well, considering the combined IQ of Lorenzo's parents, I think the gift is a tad premature - but then you have to take into account the pathetic state of our educational system, and the offering looks very appropriate and quite generous. An artist recently created Lohan's portrait using stuff he found in the trash - I kid you not! He claims to love Lindsay, and hopes that, as a person who loves controversy, she would also love his work. NBC made it official that Jay Leno will "step down" next spring - I guess the dude dared to go too much off script by occasionally criticizing comrade Hussein, which, of course, in NBC book is worst than treason. And speaking about going off script - Vera Wang introduced black wedding gowns a little while ago, and the trend seems to have caught on. I wonder what would a black wedding gown represent - Cruella DeVill's statement about marriage ruining more women than all the natural disasters combined? Chris Brown in a recent radio interview said that he is praying for Justin Bieber, and also claimed that he and Bieber have their treatment by the media in common - to paraphrase a popular book, Freud would commit suicide trying to deal with this. Kim Kardashian would not attend first day of her divorce trial because she has to be in NY promoting her new perfume - would dearly love to know what Freud would make out of this charming tableau. And, finally, Kate and hubs "kick off two-day charity tour of Scotland" where Kate looked "stunning" in tartan coat and high-heeled black boots - happy trails, kids! Coffee this morning in my funky glass Cappuccino mug.

MORNING UPDATE - APRIL 3

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Wednesday! The weather is a bit on the chilly side for NY April, which reminds me - once again forgot to claim my godiva freeby for march, damn it! George decided to be my secretary for the duration of Yom Tov and tried to answer the house phone; Sniffles is enjoying his favorite warm pipe. Guess what's trending at #1 right now? Suri Cruise's haircut! It looks like she did what any normal kid would do: she cut her own bangs - and that, my friends, made the headlines! Emma Watson is still afraid of being typecast as Hermione (her newer, "edgier" roles note-withstanding), so, she decided to "grace" the GQ cover "channeling Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman" - typecast, schmypecast, how about a little self-respect? And (it goes without saying) our dear self-proclaimed defenders of our rights as women somehow are never bothered by this. Another guess (which came this morning in my e-mail box) - what was Hollywood's best kept secret? Again, you will never guess. It seems that for the last 7 years they were developing origami condoms - in the hopes that the improved model would encourage the use of this particular product. And a woman in California quit her "9 to 5 job" and became a professional mermaid - here is to following your dreams! Also, surprise of surprises: comrade Hussein has a "spiritual adviser" who recently described his (Hussein's) "daily christian walk" - heck, I need more than one spittoon as can never find one when I need it. "People who are in regular contact with" Bieber claim that he is acting out because of his heartbreak - um, dude, here is a hint: acting like a demented loon in need of psych meds usually guarantees that your lady fair will run in the opposite direction like crazy, not come back to you. Although we are speaking of Selena Gomez here, so, all bets are off. Khloe Kardashian's hubby was accused of running a fraudulent charity - well, at least he is not a Kardashian by birth, so, I guess, the family can still hold their heads high. And, finally, Kate is scheduled to "attend the National Review of Queen's Scouts at Windsor Castle" after which she will join her grandma-in-law for a birthday tea - the world is agog at the anticipation of her outfit for this occasion. Coffee this morning in my San Francisco latte mug.

MORNING UPDATE - MARCH 31

Good Morning, peeps! Happy Sunday! Shavua Tov! Happy Chol Hamoed Pesach! The weather is strange again, but tomorrow it's supposed to hit 60 - I will believe it when I see it. George and Sniffles alternate between sleeping on Baby Bro's bed and an occasional fight. Kim Kardashian is trending at #6 right now because "critics slam her performance in Tylor Perry's 'Temptation'" - Kim Kardashain actually performs? Madonna's brother is trending at #2: she actually has a brother who is homeless, but not on her priorities list - sounds like a behavior of another famous millionaire who is now occupying 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The new Pope delivered his first easter sermon today, in which he "called for world peace, respect for the environment and a diplomatic solution to the crisis on the Korean peninsula" and also "appealed for a resumption of peace negotiations between Israelis and Palestinians" - my catholic friends, you are screwed! That's how "original" and fearless your new leader is? Then there is a new study that claims that Shakespeare was a tax dodger - I guess Obama's cabinet is in good company. And a bunch of Connecticut cops fooled suspects by barking themselves (as K-9 unit was not available); suspects surrendered - great work, officers! And Bieber is trending at #1 - it looks like he spit on a neighbour, for which he is about to be prosecuted. Also, he did have a monkey, which is now on quarantine in Germany because he (Bieber) did not have proper papers for it. Well, paging a decent psychiatrist! And Kate Middleton is trending at #5 because most probably she won't have a baby shower - gee, I wonder why! Again no coffee.